Ramblings from my chaotic life

2012-01-14T13:16:00.000-06:00

I'm here. Things are ok. Just working and going throught the day to day motions right now. Praying for my blogging friends that are going through some tough stuff right now. I'm thinking about you all.

Just Sad

2012-01-04T21:50:00.000-06:00

I'm so sad. Tonight I had to call the police on my Dustin. My sweet little baby. He was out of control in my face, daring me to hit him. Wanting me to hit him so that he could hurt me. I'm not going to raise Luke in that kind of environment. And then to beat it all, my own mother got home and chose to defend Dustin. By all accounts she could have just told him everything he did was fine and that I was the one who was wrong. I have went very long periods of not talking with my mother in the past, over my children, but this time, it is particularly messy since we are living here in her house. That is the messy stuff. I am so beyond angry. I can not even express exactly what I am feeling. Rage and sadness. That is all I have right now.

I think I'm falling for him...and it scares me to DEATH

2011-12-05T23:21:00.000-06:00

So...I have been talking to Bob for over two months now. We have had two "dates" which went well. One of the dates, he came over for Myles 13th Birthday party, so it wasn't really a "date" but my whole family was here and he didn't go running from the house. So I am taking that as a good sign. I think I'm falling for him. He's super sweet, sweeter than anyone has ever been to me. He texts me, messages me, and leaves me notes on Facebook. He's great. We are just taking things slow. He hasn't even kissed me yet. :) The only problem is that he lives an hour and a half away. That's not too bad, but we can not see each other as often as we'd like, but I'm dealing with it for now. It's nice to feel this way again, and terrifying at the same time.

:)

2011-11-18T23:54:00.000-06:00

I have another date tomorrow. I'm super excited about it. We have been chatting it up since the last date. Text messages, private messages and Facebook. He seems wonderful. I'm still skeptical, but he really seems great. Super sweet, humbel, handsome, and funny, good hearted, looking for love. We shall see.

Test post

2011-11-17T08:11:00.001-06:00

This is testing from my phone. I hope it works. Have a good day everyone.

date

2011-11-06T13:25:00.000-06:00

I had a date last night. The first in two years. He was super sweet and has been through a lot relationship wise. It was wonderful to go out and enjoy being in the company of a man. We had supper at this small town diner, it was great. Before I even got home, he text me that he had a great time too and that he can't wait to see me again! We will see what happens. I am optimistic.

I'm Unrestricted!! YAY

2011-11-02T20:58:00.000-05:00

The case is closed. We resume regular schedules that we had before this nightmare started. I'm sure there will be many new issues, since Dustin is now staying with me exclusively, and Myles will be going back and forth with the schedule that we had before. I'm sure there will be issues. But thank GOD we don't have to deal with these people in our lives anymore. I'm so glad.
CASE CLOSED!

In light of that, I have lifted the restricted reader setting from my blog. Welcome back, if I still have any followers out there.

An awakening

2011-09-30T20:43:00.000-05:00

I have came to such an amazing discovery. I no longer feel love for Buck. Thank the lord above! I thought I still loved him and was so depressed because I could never in life trust him again. BUT, really, I don't love him. I loved who I thought he was, but he's not that person at all. He showed me that, but still I wanted him to be that person that I thought I loved, but he just is not. Something just clicked. And I feel so free. It feels amazing. I feel such relief. Such a turn around. I'm optimistic as to this new found happiness. I hope it lasts. Because right now, I feel wonderful for the first time in longer than I can remember.

time for change

2011-09-20T21:24:00.000-05:00

So this court case is still going on about my boys. It will be closed out in about a month and things will go back to normal, with my ex husband and I having joint custody and trading kids back and forth with me doing all the work once again. He still does not take responsibility for his actions and blames Dustin for everything. He lets Myles run around all over with no supervision and little regard for what he is doing. He does not make dinner when they are there, he barely cleans their clothes. He just gets to go back to life as usual and I am doing all the work. I am bitter. I am resentful. I am angry. I am feeling sorry for myself I guess. Dustin has decided that he in fact does not want to go back to joint custody with his father. He wants to stay with me, which is of course what I have wanted all along, my kids with me. But then I think what if he is just doing this until the next time he gets mad at me, then he wants to go back to Dad. I am more than ready for the court to get out of our life but the chances of something happening again with their Dad is certain to happen. What should I do??

9/11 Remembered

2011-09-07T22:11:00.000-05:00

As the 10th Anniversary of September 11 approaches fast, I am taking a moment to reflect on where I was, what I was doing and my thoughts and feelings during that tragic time.
My Tuesday morning was as busy as usual, fed my kids breakfast, got them ready for the day and headed out the door to take Dustin to Kindergarten. On the way to school, I had turned on the radio and Mancow in the morning was on, I was only half listening to it, talking to Dustin about school. Mancow was a joker, so when he said that a plane had crashed into the building, my first reaction was that it was a joke he was doing. When he announced that another plane had hit the second tower, there was a seriousness in his voice that was just out of character for the popular radio show. I turned off the radio and dropped Dustin off at school. I drove home with Myles and turned on the news to see the towers in flames. Desperate people, jumping to their deaths below. Calls of people calling their loved ones from their cell phone. I stood there in my living room, and just felt such utter sadness. I wanted my family with me, and my husband was working out of town. How could my husband not be with me when this was such a terrible time. Families needed to be together during this time. I felt such grief for the families involved. The families that would never be the same. These families would never hold their loved ones close again. I was saddened. I was crying for the people jumping out of the burning buildings that they were never to be rescued from.
AND THEN THE FIRST TOWER COLLAPSED. My heart sunk right to my stomach. I couldn't believe what I had just saw with my own eyes. The building just crumbled right there on television in front of me. Shortly after that, the other tower also collapsed. There was another plane crashed into the Pentagon, and another plane taken down by heroes aboard the plane that had no idea that they were about to be heroes that dreadful day. How could this happen? It was so sad. So tragic. I just wanted to be with my family. And my husband was so far away. I hugged my kids tighter. I went to donate blood, surely they were going to need blood for the survivors.
I stayed glued to the television during the search for the survivors, a couple pulled from the rubble, the rest casualties. No great demand for blood donations. Nothing. It was such a terrible tragic horrific day. A day that I will never forget.

what to do

2011-08-23T21:42:00.000-05:00

I'm so depressed. I don't know what to do. My boys have decided that they want to live with their abusive father because he just lets them do whatever they want. I'm living at home with my parents because I have spent so much money on attorneys trying to keep the boys out of that situation. I'm miserable at my parent's. I don't have the cash to move out at the moment. Dustin is smoking despite my repeated trying to talk to him about it and why he should not be smoking. Myles has a giant ship on his shoulder and does nothing but give me an attitude. Luke is picking up on their bad habits of talking back and he is getting into more and more trouble. I feel like everything is spinning out of control and I have no one to talk to about it. I want to just go to bed and never wake up. I know that sounds bad but that is totally how I have been feeling. Buck is lying to me again. I would love to just walk away from everyone and start new somewhere, but then I would need to have the cash to do that and I don't have it right now. I'm so sorry to vent here all the time and be so negative. It's depressing. I just wish something would go right for me for once in my life.
OK, off the pity pot. I'm going to bed, tomorrows another day. Luke starts 2nd grade tomorrow.

Just checking in

2011-08-06T17:45:00.000-05:00

Luke made it back from Evansville, spoiled as usual. He is lucky to have such great Godparents. School starts here on August 17th. I am so glad the boys will be back in school. The summer seems to have went by fast. I have some unspoken prayer requests. I am going through a hard time emotionally and spiritually and really could use the prayers. Things just never seem to get better. I know that is not the optimistic way to view things, but really, when does it let up?
My boys have decided that even after all that is going on with CPS and what their Dad has done, they want to go back to spending half their time with him. It has me feeling let down and really taken advantage of, because it's like they have a total disregard for what I do for them and what I continue to do for them. I don't want to be going through this again, and their father just does not see anything wrong with what he does, he never has. Nothing is ever his fault. I don't want my kids growing up with this thinking, but I see it in them some already, no matter how hard I try to teach them otherwise.
We were temporarily staying with my parents, but that is carrying over to the school year, which I am not happy about, but my Dad got laid off work and with my Mom already laid off, they need the financial assistance too. So, things just are not going good, and there are other things going on beyond my control, that I just have to pray about and hope that things turn out for the best. That is just a hard thing to do sometimes.

Missing Luke

2011-07-17T22:42:00.000-05:00

Luke has been visiting his Godparents in Southern Indiana for almost 2 weeks now and I am missing him tonight like crazy. He won't be home until this Saturday. Hopefully the week goes by fast and my boy will be home before I have time to miss him this week. That's what I'm hoping for anyway. I have other worries I'm facing too that just have me down and depressed. I just don't know why thing happen the way they do sometimes.

Testing the new settings

2011-07-16T11:55:00.000-05:00

This post is to test the new settings and see if my invited people can still get to my blog?? Let me know if you get here.

Password

2011-07-14T19:12:00.000-05:00

I'm about to go password protected. Please send me your email address for the invite. Thanks to all who read and uplift me during this difficult time and the more difficult things to come. I love you each and every one.

$100

2011-07-03T21:40:00.000-05:00

I have to share that I pulled weeds at a friends house for $200.00. I have to add that I had help pulling the weeds and split the $200.00, so I got $100.00 for a full 10 hours of work. Honestly, I think that was WAY too much work for $100. It honestly was the hardest $100 I've ever made by far. There is no way I could have done that much work by myself. And to think that people keep vegetable and flower gardens as a hobby and pull weeds for their own enjoyment...there just has to be something wrong with that! So, we pulled weeds, picked up, and put down mulch...I took out 5 or 6 things that looked like weeds but actually belonged there. (I never claimed to know what I was doing) That was hard work. I'm sore, sunburned and so thankful that it's done!

Group photo shoot

2011-06-27T23:52:00.000-05:00

We are going this week to get photos of all the Grandkids. 8 kids in all from ages 15 down to 1. Should be an interesting time. Hopefully they will turn out good. I will post some of the pics after I get them back. I'm excited, but I know it will be hard to get them all to focus on the same thing. We are going to a park setting, so there should be some great outside scenes.

Busy Busy

2011-06-26T23:37:00.000-05:00

So we had a busy weekend this weekend. I took on some side jobs cleaning and worked most of the weekend, and it's back to work tomorrow. So I didn't really have the weekend off, but I need the money, so it is what it is. I have an extremely busy next couple weeks. Luke has to get a physical for the procedure on his teeth and I have to work everyday and we are taking all the kids to this park to get more photos taken of all the grandkids and out individual families. I can't wait to see how cute they come out. I have the usual therapy appointments and the boys have visitation with their Dad and they have been getting out of control having this spread out over 3 or 4 days in the week. So I am going to have to put my foot down about keeping the days to a minimum. I feel like the are just trying to run every aspect of my life right now and I am getting very frustrated with the whole process.

On another note, Buck and I have been on friendlier terms. I still have him at a distance because he has proven that he can not be trusted, but I do love him. I probably always will.

Been MIA

2011-06-20T21:49:00.004-05:00

I have missed blogging so much. I had some issues going on with my kids that preventing me from posting since October. So much has happened and still happening, but I am tired of being silent and the blogging is theraputic for me.

In October 2010, my oldest boy suffered a severe beating at the hands of his father. He was picked up by his neck and threw hrough the wall. DCS is involved and we have been going back and forth to court. It has been extremely stressful and demanding of time and resources. Although I did nothing to the children, I have to go through the parenting classes and individual and family therapy. We all had to have psychological exams and my son has to have random drug testing. I have been very stressed out and frustrated.

This has been a difficult time for me and the kids. I have waivered in my faith and felt alone in this. Dealing with DCS and the service providers is stressful. They expect you to drop everything and jump through hoops to comply with what they want with no consideration to the fact that I work and have to provide for my family while he is paying no child support and not doing anything positive for the kids. The kids are going for weekly visitation and family therapy with their father and each child has individual therapy as well. It is easy to see how people get fed up with dealing with these people and don't comply and end up losing their parental rights. And even though I did not do anything, they can still take my kids because they are technically wards of the state at the time, so I have to comply with their demands as well or I can lose them. And as their plan stands, the plan is reunification, which would mean that we would go back to having joint custody with the chance of this happening again fairly high, since their father has not changed his behavior. He was an abusive husband and now an abusive father. This just further perpetuates the problems that the boys have with their behavior and their attitudes in addition to the fact that they are 12 and 15 with atttudes anyway.

Sometimes, I just want to give up. Somedays, I just don't feel like going on. Somedays, it just is too much. But then think these are my kids, how can I just give up, even though they are acting out and I get all the bad behavior. Somedays, it is just too much for me to bear. And then, I get up the next day and do it again because I'm the Mom and they are my children. It's just so frustrating.

Prayers

2010-10-21T00:10:00.005-05:00

Lord, please just watch over my family. We need you so much now and always. There is so much going on. I find myself barely hanging on. I'm trying to focus on my faith, but it is so hard right now to keep my focus on you. Help me, help myself and my family. Keep my boys safe and in your ever loving care. Please help me to help my children and make the right decisions for them. I need your help.

2010-10-15T23:54:00.002-05:00

There is just only so much I can take! Does that make you a big man doing that to your children? Feeling better? You Jackass! I hope and pray that something good comes out of this. God please look over my family.

I Can Only Imagine (with lyrics) - MercyMe

2010-10-11T23:32:00.001-05:00

Billy Currington - Let Me Down Easy

2010-10-10T23:27:00.001-05:00

2010-10-10T22:31:00.006-05:00

I'm broken...

Why can't I just walk completely away?

Why do I continue to allow my self to hurt over him?

I will never be the same.

I will never trust the same again.

Why do I still love him? I shouldn't, but I do.

I feel completely foolish and defeated.

For My Aunt Edith, I miss you terrible

2010-10-05T22:13:00.000-05:00

Random Thoughts

2010-10-05T22:01:00.002-05:00

I am still so depressed about my Aunt's death and really, there is no one I can talk to about it. EVERYONE lost her, why should my pain be any different than theirs. My Mom lost her sister, my Ma Maw lost her daughter, my cousin lost her Mother, my sisters also lost their Aunt. So who is there left to talk to about it. I miss her so very much. I have so many regrets. I wish I had went down there when I knew that she was sick co that I could have seen her one more time. I wish I had just went down there! I don't know that I will never not regret that. I loved her and I miss her. I know that we all have lost people close to us. It hurts, I'm told it gets better, and there is a song I have been listening to, but honestly, I don't know if it makes me feel better or worse. I posted the song.

Dustin got community service for his curfew violation. 20 hours. I was actually happy that he got the community service and not just the fine, I think it will teach him more.

Myles I feel is needing more "Mom" attention and I just do not know how to separate my time between the kids, because I know that Dustin needs that attention too, I just have to go about it in a different way, you know, cause Mom is just not cool! I love them so much and I just want them to know how very much I love them and that they mean the world to me. Sometimes, I think my depression keeps me from doing as much as I would like to do with them. I'm trying.

I started my new medication and all I can tell is that I have a hard time falling asleep and then have a hard time waking up in the morning. I miss the old me. The manic me, the could just stay up and go, go, go. But the crashes, oh, the crashes, and the emotions. I don't know what is worse. the manic and crashes, or the medication.

My Luke turns 7 on October 25th. I can't believe he's already going to be that old, but then I say that about all my kids, Dustin will soon be 15 and Myles will be 12 in December. God, where has the time went? They were all just babies coming home from the hospital. I know all mothers have this feeling.

Well, until next time......

My PaPaw

2010-09-13T01:20:00.004-05:00

Missing my PaPaw today. It is his birthday. He has been in Heaven for 22 years now. It still feels like an open wound that will never heal. Heavenly Birthday wishes PaPaw, I know you are watching over me. I miss and love you dearly. Not a day goes by that I don't wish you were still here.

They grow up so fast

2010-09-11T21:21:00.001-05:00

My baby who will be 7 years old next month, just fell asleep in my arms. My heart is melting. :)

Update

2010-09-11T14:35:00.002-05:00

I'm still here. Still lots to update. Still feeling like crap. Still no prior authorization on my meds. We did go to Boonville this past weekend to visit my Aunt and Uncle and retrieve my beloved stolen camera! They erased all the photos I had taken at my other Aunt and Uncle's 25th party, but left photos of themselves when they pawned it! My Uncle is taking the CD with the photos to the PD down there for me. My allergies have been horrible (that time of year I suppose).
I got into it with my cousin over some stupid comment her new boyfriend made on Facebook. The bad part is that it is her Mom that just died in March and I miss talking to her. We cried together quite a bit while I was in KY and now she is angry with me over this guy. I spoke my mind like I always do and she did not like it. Such is life. Will try to update some more, although I have been a horrible blogger lately.

Does it ever end?

2010-08-31T06:54:00.003-05:00

I have so much to write about and absolutely no energy to get it all out! I have been a mess. I went to the Dr. she changed my meds, but of course, it has to have prior authorization, which could take up to a week. I have issues with my kids, I am so done with Buck! I've wasted 7 years on him, WHY? I feel so tired all the time and can't seem to make myself do anything. I just can not seem to get out of this funk and I don't know what to do. Will try to update more soon. Oh, and I am now over 200lbs! Just great! I have NEVER been that heavy in my life, even after 3 kids.

Going to MaMaw's

2010-08-10T06:13:00.003-05:00

I'm leaving tomorrow to go visit my MaMaw. It will be the first time I have been back since my Aunt died in March. I am happy to be going "home" but know there are going to be many emotions when I go up to that graveyard. I've been listening to the song "The house that built me" by Miranda Lambert and it just feels like me right now. I've been feeling lost and looking for my way to whatever it is I am supposed to be doing with my life. There has to be more than this. So maybe some soul searching at MaMaw's is what is in order. I hope so anyway. I always hate to leave there so that will be teary. I'll get back right before the kids have to go to school. Good timing. I'll still be checking in and maybe update from the road(if we can get any signal.)

2010-08-06T01:32:00.002-05:00

I'm still here. I have lots to update, but no energy to do it. I'm depressed. I have an appointment later this month with Dr. Shrink, hopefully she will be able to help me, cause this combo is not working for me anymore. I will try to update some more in the next few days. Hope everyone is doing well.

Heavenly Birthdays

2010-07-15T03:17:00.003-05:00

Happy Birthday Aunt Eddie, your first in Heaven. How I wish you were here. You would have been 50 today. I still can't believe that you are gone. There is a hole in our family. We all miss you so very much. I hope that you were dancing with the angels, Pa paw and Uncle Dave. When we all meet again, what a day of rejoicing that will be.

I'm alive

2010-07-11T03:08:00.002-05:00

I have so much to update. And photos to post. Things are pretty much the same here, as usual. I didm't want anyone to think that I have fallen off the face of the earth or anything. Hopefully tomorrow, I can update and post some photos.

Hi

2010-05-21T22:59:00.003-05:00

I'm still here, just in a funk. Well...still in the same funk to tell the truth. The next couple weeks I have many obligations to fill since I am hopelessly unable to say no to anyone. I have taken on another "part-time" job caring for a lady with Lyme Disease. So sad how it has robbed her of her ability to live life as she was used to. But I will try to get a better update on here this weekend. I have a lot to say but have to get it out of my head.
Until next time.

Shout out to all Moms :)

2010-05-04T23:20:00.001-05:00

Happy Mother's Day to all my favorite Moms out there! I hope you all have a wonderful day filled with love.

2010-05-03T23:24:00.003-05:00

I have so much on my mind, I feel like my head could literally explode. I have little energy for anything. I know it is this depression. I can not get into see Dr. Shrink until the 26th. I know that I am needing a medication adjustment, I just don't know what. I really would like to start jogging, but, that leaves me with the problem of who is going to watch Luke while I do that? I need to do something. And bills....at this point, I do not have enough to pay my bills for this month. I have to call my landlord and tell him tomorrow. I am hoping that he will be a little understanding and work with me. If not, then, I don't know what I am going to do. It just really stinks that I am 35 and struggling with money all the time. I have a degree in accounting, but have yet to find that accounting position. I filled out an application last week that I had hopes about, but have not heard anything from them. I intend to call tomorrow to check up on the application.
I am helping y friend out this weekend at a "Going Green Expo" at the fair grounds. Then Sunday for Mother's Day, our family ALWAYS goes to my sister's house for a get together. We have done it for the last 11 years now. I have to bring cheesecakes. That is her only request of me every year. So, I oblige. And lately, I have been craving being with my family. I don't know if it is triggered by how many people I have lost in the last six months or just something going on with me. But it doesn't hurt to want to be with them.
In other news, the giant puppy has taken a liking to chewing up shoes. She gave up electrical cords after being jolted, but she is loving shoes. Two pairs of my work shoes, Two pairs of Ashlee's flip flops when she was up here, and recently, Myles' brand new Nike's. Needless to say, I am less than happy about it and have yet to find a way to deter her from this. (Hitting her with the shoe in anger the other day did not help.) So, if anyone has any ideas or advice, please, do tell. And she does have plenty of chew toys and rawhide bones and harder bones, she's spoiled rotten, and still she chews the shoes! Then, I look at her and remember how badly I needed her when I got her. Mentally, I was a mess. But, I would like her to give up the shoe fetish.
And, Diana, I will be thinking about you this Mother's Day. I know how badly you will be missing your Mom. Love to you. And Vickie, your words mean so much.
Happy Mother's Day.

Funky Town

2010-05-02T00:04:00.003-05:00

I'm in a funk!
I can not seem to climb out of. I have been trying to force myself to be more positive. Do more things, but I don't want to. I am happy to sit in the house in my PJ's all day, every day. I don't want to deal with all the issues that Dustin is having right now. He is on a bad path and all the talking in the world is not getting through to him.
I thought I was feeling a little better after the party for my parents and being around the family was good for everyone. But now, with Mother's Day approaching, I am worried about my cousins Becky and Randy too, this will be the first without their Mom. I can't imagine how that is going to be for them. I am thankful that I have my mother and realize that I should make her more aware of how thankful I am that I still have her. There are many people that read this blog that have lost their Mom, my thoughts and prayers will be with you on that day as well.
I have so many other posts in my head. Hopefully tomorrow I will be able to get out another. There is so much on my chest, I feel like it is crushing me.

Courtesy of my friend Karen

2010-04-25T12:59:00.001-05:00

*If you are 30, or older, you might think this is hilarious!* *

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious
diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what with
walking twenty-five miles to school every morning....* *Uphill...... See More
Barefoot...* *BOTH ways¦ yadda, yadda, yadda* *

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in
hell I was going to lay* *a bunch of crap like that on my kids about how
hard I had it* *and how easy they've got it!* *But now that I'm over the
ripe old age of thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of
today. You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live
in a damn Utopia!* *
And I hate to say it, but you kids today, you don't know how good you've got
it!* *

I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have the Internet. If we wanted to know
something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the
card catalog!!* *

There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter - with a
pen!* *Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in
the mailbox, and it would take like a week to get there! Stamps were 10
cents!* *

Child Protective Services didn't care if our parents beat us. As a matter
of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to kick our ass!
Nowhere was safe! **

There were no MP3's or Napsters or iTunes! If you wanted to steal music,
you had to hitchhike to the record store and shoplift it yourself!* *

Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio, and the DJ would
usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up! There were no CD
players! We had tape decks in our car.. We'd play our favorite tape and
"eject" it when finished, and then the tape would come undone rendering it
useless. Cause, hey, that's how we rolled, Baby! Dig?* *

We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and
somebody else called, they got a busy signal, that's it! **

There weren't any freakin' cell phones either. If you left the house, you
just didn't make a damn call or receive one. You actually had to be out of
touch with your "friends". OH MY GOD !!! Think of the horror... not being
in touch with someone 24/7!!! And then there's TEXTING. Yeah, right.
Please! You kids have no idea how annoying you are. **

And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either! When the phone rang, you had no
idea who it was! It could be your school, your parents, your boss, your
bookie, your drug dealer, the collection agent... you just didn't know!!!
You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister! **

We didn't have any fancy PlayStation or Xbox video games with
high-resolution 3-D graphics! We** **had the Atari 2600! With games like
'Space Invaders' and 'Asteroids'. Your screen guy was a little square! You
actually had to use your imagination!!! And there were no multiple levels
or screens, it was just one screen... Forever! And you could never win.
The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until
you died! Just like LIFE! **

You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You
were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your ass
and walk over to the TV to change the channel!!! NO REMOTES!!! Oh, no,
what's the world coming to?!?!**

There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday
Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying? We had to wait **ALL WEEK** for
cartoons, you spoiled little rat-finks!**

And we didn't have microwaves. If we wanted to heat something up, we had to
use the stove! Imagine that! *

*And our parents told us to stay outside and play... all day long. Oh, no,
no electronics to soothe and comfort. And if you came back inside... you
were doing chores! *

*And car seats - oh, please! Mom threw you in the back seat and you hung
on. If you were lucky, you got the "safety arm" across the chest at the
last moment if she had to stop suddenly, and if your head hit the dashboard,
well that was your fault for calling "shot gun" in the first place! *

*See! That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it
too easy. You're spoiled rotten! You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes
back in 1980** **or any time before!**

Regards,
The Over 30 Crowd* *

This and that

2010-04-22T22:47:00.006-05:00

I am feeling hopeful today. Hopeful about decisions I have made. Thankful for my family and friends that have always been there even when I was not a willing participant. Thankful for new friends and "sisters" to help me with my walk that God has planned for me. I guess for today at least I am feeling a little happy.

Strange, since I should be worried about bills. Always bills. Never ending bills. My house is a mess. My 14 year old has a girlfriend that I think is getting too friendly.

Mom & Dad renewing their vows

And since I never mentioned since it was a "surprise," we (my sisters, brother and I) had a surprise 25th anniversary party for my parents last weekend. It was so nice. My parents were somewhat surprised, you know our family can't keep a total secret, but they were surprised to see some people that they have not for a long time. My Mom's brothers and their families came from out of town. It was bittersweet since my Aunt was not there and toward the end of the evening, we too the balloon arch that my parent's renewed their vows under and released it in remembrance of those that were not with us that evening. It was bittersweet to say the least. We all felt her presence and her absence.

Sending Balloons to Heaven

But for today, I am hopeful.

2010-04-21T01:04:00.001-05:00

"For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten son, that whosoever believes in Him shall have everlasting life. " John 3:16

What a strong message that we miss all too often.

91 year old WWII vetran....

2010-04-11T15:21:00.002-05:00

How much more am I supposed to be able to take? I just got a call from the nursing home where the man I take care of is at. The hospice nurse seems to think that he is in the beginning stages of death. He is having some apnea, his pulse is elevated and his blood pressure is lower. His wife just died in October and I promised her that I would take care of him. I had been taking care of both of them until that point. I have lost so many people in the last few months. I just don't know how much more. I know God never gives you more than you can handle, but really?? There really is no other family and I have been taking care of them for four years now. I don't want to go through this again so soon. I know that you never know for sure when someone is going to die, but I am getting ready to go up there and sit with him. I don't want him to be alone.

More thoughts

2010-04-10T00:35:00.002-05:00

My Mom went this week to pick my Ma Maw up from Kentucky. She has a couple doctor appointments up here and my nephews birthday party and some other things going on. So she will be up here back and forth between my house, my Mom's, and my sister's. Now, I know that I have complained about my Ma Maw in the past when we were in the middle of all the care after her surgery and she was crabby and getting homesick. I don't blame her, even I feel better at her house. It's home.
Anyway, with her being up here and my Mom being off work until she finds employment again, it had really got me thinking I want to be near them. I want to spend time with them. Crabby or not, she is here and I want to be near her. I want to be with her. My Mom, the same, crabby or not, I want to be with her. This is new to me. I have never had feelings this strongly about just being by my Mom.
I know that the past few months of this loss has made me more thankful for my family and for my Ma Maw and Mom. I still have them here with me. I can still pick up the phone and call. That is not true for everyone. Not true for my cousin who lost her mother.
So, I am thankful Lord, very thankful that I still have my Ma Maw and my Mom. Thank you.

Some days are harder than others

2010-04-04T00:00:00.005-05:00

I keep going to my Aunt's Facebook page. I don't know what I am looking for there. She is not posting anything since she is no longer here. But yet I keep going to look as if there's going to be something new there. I see her face and all the photos she has posted that I took of her at one point or another. I remember her that way and not of the photos of her in the hospital that were sent so that the rest of the family could see her condition (I have deleted those from my phone). I miss her. I would call her a lot. Apparently more than I realized because I catch myself sometimes dialing her number to talk to her. My cousin is there but I can not possibly burden her with how much I am missing her mother. I talk a lot to my Ma Maw, but she lost her daughter. And so it just sits there in my heart and in my thoughts. Tomorrow will be one month since she passed away. I miss her.

I love you and miss you so very much. I know you are resting in peace with angels.

Purging my thoughts

2010-03-27T17:06:00.002-05:00

Luke was on Spring break last week from school. I kept him home from daycare a couple days and let him go to work with me to spend some Mommy time with him. The older boys are going to be on Spring break this week. I have been trying to be more positive with my thoughts. I rescheduled my appointment with Dr. Shrink twice already. I need to get in there. I also need to get my blood pressure rechecked since I have not been there in about 8 months, they just keep refilling my medication. Oh, and the iron level has never been rechecked either. These are going to be goals I have this week to get myself in both places. I found a place that will spay/neuter the dog for more than $200 cheaper than my vet. It is through the Humane Society. I have to drive a little farther to take her there, but it's worth saving the $200. My Mom found out last week that as of March 31st she is not going to have a job and is freaking out about it a little, which is completely understandable.
My Ma Maw will be up here next month for a recheck of her foot and an appointment at the Cardiologist she saw up here. He had said before her surgery that she had a small blockage, so we will see what happens with that. Even though she aggervates sometimes, I miss her and look forward to her coming. She will spend most of the time between my sister and my house.

Sisters

2010-03-20T08:18:00.002-05:00

This was posted by a fellow blogger who always lifts me up. And it says so much.

http://astrollthrumythoughts.blogspot.com/2010/03/thank-you-for-sisters.html

Blah

2010-03-19T16:11:00.004-05:00

I haven't had much to say lately. Burying my Aunt was hard on our family. I call her daughter, my cousin, and get voicemail that is her voice. Twice I have called back just to hear it again. Much other than that, things have been quiet or rather, the same here. I have been checking blogs, just have not had much to say. I'm falling in a funk, and I need to find a way out. I intend to do some spring cleaning this weekend, since it is supposed to get colder again.
Until next time...

2010-03-05T10:52:00.003-06:00

My Aunt Edith passed away today.
One day and 4 months after her husband.
49 years old.

I can't believe she is gone......

Welcome to the world Brynn McKenzie

2010-02-28T21:15:00.007-06:00

I'm an Aunt again!!

Brynn McKenzie

February 23, 2010

12:33pm

7 pounds 8 ounces

19 inches

Congratulations Phil and Kellie. She is beautiful and I love her.

I'm so glad I got a dog

2010-02-08T20:03:00.002-06:00

I have got to do something. I feel so depressed.
The Psych just keeps changing my meds which is sending me in emotional circles. I feel like I am spiraling out of control sometimes. She just changes another medication or adds another or takes one off. This crazy cocktail. I don't even know if it's working, but she reassures me I should continue with the meds. Most of the time, I wonder.
Buck. Buck. Buck......
I am still letting him see Luke but it is killing me. It kills me that he's calling everyday to talk to Luke. I don't talk to Buck when he calls, but just knowing that he's on the phone...
These are all things that he said "Oh, I don't have time for this" He has picked Luke up for some weekends, and I'm happy that Luke has him, but knowing that he lied and cheated on me and my son thinks that he's just great, it makes me mad. Suddenly, he has time now to be with Luke that he never had before or wanted to have for before, and really I think that he does it more for his own benefit than for Luke. It's so he's not completely alone all the time, and Luke worships him. It makes me sad. It makes me cry. It makes me angry.
I can't move on. I can't go back. I don't see the future.
I have prayed and prayed about this and I just don't hear any answers.
Realistically, I know that Buck and I could never be together again. I could never trust him again. I know this. But, my heart, well it just does not listen.
OK, enough of my pity party. I have some chores to do before I go to bed.

Two posts in one, cause I'm lazy today

2010-02-06T14:35:00.003-06:00

I have decided against being a surrogate. As much as I would love to help a couple, I just don't think emotionally that I could do it. I couldn't just hand over a baby or two that I had carried the whole time, even if they were not mine biologically. And after talking with the psych yesterday, she really did not think it was a good idea for me at this time either. I feel guilty in a way that I have let them down, but I would hate myself emotionally if I went through a whole pregnancy and had to hand over the baby. I truly wish them well and hope that they find someone that can make them parents, I just don't think that person is me. Still, I am sad.

And, on another depressing note, my Aunt Edith who just lost her husband in November is in the hospital on life support for the last week. Yesterday they tried taking her off and within 10 minutes she was blue. I think I have said my last words to her and it makes me very sad. She took care of me and my sister a lot when my Mom was working when I was younger and I'm not going to have a proper goodbye with her. She was so depressed after her husband died that she just laid in the bed. She has her own health issues and I think that just made them worse. I don't think she is going to come out of this and I hate that I can not be there. It is very upsetting to me and being how I am, this makes me think about my Ma Maw, how will she handle losing a child? Will something happen to her after that? I truly could not handle that. My Ma Maw, even if I have complained about her, I emotionally am not prepared for something to happen to her and I don't think I ever will be. I guess I need to go do something and get my mind off this before I drive myself crazy. I'm sad, very sad.

Seeking advice

2010-01-30T10:45:00.003-06:00

I am considering being a gestational surrogate. I was contacted by the couple and am asking for advice, opinions, suggestions, anything. I am trying to go the way God is leading me, but I'm still unsure. Would I get too attached to the baby before it got here and then we just have no contact? I'm just unsure. I know this would be an incredible gift to them but is it something I should do? I have met with them, they like me, I like them, I think they would be great parents and they have extended family. So, please, any suggestions, comments, advice, I need something.
Thanks, until next time....

Happiness?? Are you out there?

2010-01-20T21:52:00.004-06:00

I have been emotionally all over the place lately. I feel in my head that I should start dating again. I mean, I'm not getting any younger. But in my heart, I just am not sure what I want. I don't believe that I have to be with someone to be happy, but is that what I want? If that makes any sense. One day I am feeling almost happy and optimistic. The next day I just want to stay in bed all day and not face the world. I don't want to be alone, but I am not sure that I want to be with someone either. And, then there is the fact that my older children especially are being very observant about what I am doing with this dating thing. Will they ever think that it is OK for me to have dinner with someone? I am worried about everything. I want to do what is right for the kids as well as myself. I just want to be happy and I want my kids to be happy. I want to...I don't know. I'm so confused. I don't think emotionally, I am ready for this dating thing. I wish I knew why God has chose the path he has for me. I know I am just supposed to have faith, but having faith is so hard sometimes.

2010-01-05T21:23:00.003-06:00

I have been trying to be civil with Buck for Luke's sake. I have let Luke go there and spend time with Buck even though I can't stand the thought that my son will think that he is such a role model, when I know what a complete ass he is. I keep trying to stop thinking that I am so angry. But I really am so angry. And I really keep thinking that he has no right to be a part of my son's life. He does not deserve the privilege to be in Luke's life. And yet my son loves him so much. So what is the right thing to do? I am searching for answers. I have prayed about it, I have cried about it, I have screamed and fought about it. And still...I don't know.
I really feel that we should be breaking all ties with Buck and move on. But then, I am taking the only father my son has ever had away from him. Would it be because of my anger or because it is what is best for Luke? I just don't know. But I know that I can not keep going on this roller coaster. Mentally, it is killing me. It is making me crazy.
I do not believe in the road to happiness anymore. It is lost somewhere beyond my reach.

2010-01-03T23:31:00.001-06:00

Lord help me I'm falling........

Sad

2009-12-29T15:27:00.004-06:00

Starting over sucks.
It hardly seems worth it to put myself out there to be hurt again.
I don't think I will ever fully trust another man again. It hurts and it sucks that it still hurts so very much. I am trying to force myself to be positive. Force myself to be happy. Force myself to get out of bed everyday. I have to get out of bed to go to work, but on days that I am off, I lay around and barely do anything. I do the basics with the kids, feeding them, making them get showered, not kill each other, but other than that I would rather just stay in bed. I know that it's depression. I am trying so hard to deal with it. I don't want to feel like this.
I wish I never met him. I wish that I just walked away in the beginning. How could I not have seen what he really was? How could I have loved him so much and I was just an option for him. Why? Why? Why? And really no answers would ever be good enough. I just wish it were easier to move on and away from him.
I don't want to keep thinking about him. I hate that I still think about him.
I'm still angry.
I don't think there is happiness out there for me.
I am just concentrating on my kids and not going to worry about a man.

2009-12-26T19:48:00.002-06:00

The date was ok.
He was nice but too much of the "Oh but I'm so different than the other guys." I mean, he does not get to decide that, I do. We had dinner and too many drinks, I don't think it's gonna happen again.
Like I said higher standards...
Oh well...

???

2009-12-18T15:02:00.002-06:00

I must be out of my mind because I have a date tonight. I think it's too early, I think I'm still bitter, I think I'm still angry. But I'm going to go anyway. I have decided that the standards are going to be so high not any guy is going to measure up, but we shall see.

The road to happiness starts with me

2009-12-12T14:10:00.006-06:00

OK, so the other day I did something I swore I would NEVER do! Ready?? I got a tattoo!! I still can't believe I got a tattoo! I like it. It's cute. It is a frog on the top of my foot. No one will even know when I have on socks and shoes, except I hardly wear socks and shoes! But I like it. And I did it for ME! It made ME happy.

So, thinking about that, I'm going to try this new me. New me, new attitude. Happy. I want to be happy again. I want to be me again. I quit my job where my boss was a complete ass! Just walked right out! It felt liberating, although now I have to find another job. I still have my second job, but I made more money at the one I quit! I'm just trying to make myself feel better. Force myself to make changes... force myself to feel better. I am not going to let some failed fake relationship bring me down. Buck was clearly not worth my time and I believe that I knew that long before his infidelity. I just wanted something that was not there.

NO MORE! I am going to force myself to be happy, if it kills me!

Getting back to regular programming

2009-12-03T20:27:00.002-06:00

I have been undoubtedly depressed and angry. With some adjustment to my medications, I am feeling less angry and more depressed. I have been reading this book called "He's just not that into you." It seems to be insightful in a weird sort of way. It makes me realize some things that I should have not been putting up with for a long time with Buck. It also confirms that once a cheater, always a cheater. Which I did not even consider to be an option any longer. I absolutely could never be with him again. There is no trust and I have no respect left for him whatsoever. He calls trying to make me feel guilty about Luke. But, I am very adamant that he does not have the good qualities that need to be modeled for Luke. Buck is just trying to make himself feel better and at this point I have no consideration for his feelings. He certainly was not thinking about me or Luke while he was cheating. I am very hurt, but know that I have to get past this and I will. I don't know if I will ever fully trust someone again, but I know that currently, that is the last thing I am thinking about. I don't want another relationship. I don't want to open myself up to be hurt again. I just can't.

2009-11-28T23:47:00.001-06:00

Maybe I just wasn't enough. Maybe I will never be enough.

Seriously??

2009-11-16T18:56:00.002-06:00

I'm having a hard time with this break up thing. I had invested so much time and trust with Buck. And now I am emotionally a mess. He keeps calling, he thinks that I should still let him see my son. If I'm not mistaken, he was supposed to be a good example in Luke's life. "How to be a good man." It just seems so ironic that the very person telling Luke that was so much less than he portrayed himself to be. "We don't lie. We don't keep secrets." Interesting when that same man was lying and keeping secrets. Unfaithful. It is very upsetting to me that now he feels somehow I am supposed to take his feelings into consideration that he misses Luke and that I should just trust him to continue with the privilege of being in my son's life. I don't know what to do. I don't want Luke to be as disappointed as I am. And, it's not like Luke is begging me where his Dad is. He really has not asked much since it was not unusual that we would be away from Buck when we came home. This is just an extended stay at home in his eyes. I am very hurt and emotional and pissed off really.

Moving on

2009-11-13T18:31:00.002-06:00

How am I supposed to get past this? I have so much anger, it is eating me inside. I am so angry. I am so beyond hurt. I don't know how you trust someone and love someone and share your life with them and then it's just gone. Buck cheated on me with the girlfriend he had before me. After six years together, he did this. After countless, I love yous and we are going to be together, just gone! I have so so much anger, I can barely stand it. I am disappointed, hurt, heartbroken and feel like I can never possibly trust someone again. I mean how could I trust someone again? I now that many many people have been in these shoes and worse, but it just feels like I am drowning in it. Our relationship was not perfect and I have stated on here before that I felt like we were on a slow decline, but to end like this! OMG! I am so angry. How do you do that to someone? How could he even stand there and look me and lie right to my face!? And what about Luke now? That was his Dad? Not biologically, but since he was 5 months old. That is not the example I want for my son to lie and cheat on people, but how do I just take that away from him? And how am I supposed to move on and heal with so much anger? I got the dog thinking that would help. I can't really say that it has. I feel just completely betrayed and so depressed. I don't know how to get past this. It hurts.....alot. It hurts more than I want people to know. I don't know how to be the same again. I don't think I could ever trust anyone again, I mean really trust someone. How do you get past this?

Rest in peace Uncle Dave

2009-11-04T18:35:00.003-06:00

My Uncle Dave died today after a battle with pancreatic cancer. It was expected but I had hoped that my Aunt would have some more time with him. I don't know what she is going to do. Please lift them in prayer. This is so close to Gramma's death 3 weeks ago.
It just sucks.
So Friday we will travel to Kentucky for his funeral.

Gramma

2009-10-17T11:19:00.004-05:00

Gramma died Wednesday October 14, 2009. Her daughters are unbelievable. They were fighting about her things before she even died and then were calling, texting, and leaving me messages ALL day until I turned my phone off that evening. I can't believe how they were totally unconcerned about her when she was alive and then immediately started bickering about her belongings. One of her daughters even got in her car and drove here all the way from Mississippi after she died because she has some old paperwork that said that she was the executor of Gramma's will. But her paperwork is old and she drove here to be executor of nothing because they have nothing! Unbelievable! It absolutely sickens me.

2009-10-12T11:22:00.003-05:00

I broke off my relationship with Buck last week. We had been having issues. And then he betrayed me and that was the last shove off the edge for me. I did tell him that he can see Luke whenever he wants, but he's hurt me beyond any love I have/had for him. It's crazy that there is such a fine line between love and hate.
So, I have been raging mad since last week to the point that I think I am going crazy. I'm so glad that I already had an appointment with my new psychiatrist this Wednesday. Because I really think that I am losing my mind. So, yesterday, I went and got a puppy! I guess a puppy will fix anything, right? Maybe I should have just got a dog six years ago instead of Buck? I can't and don't want to get into all the details, but I am so hurt and depressed. I've been here before and it's not pretty.

Here's a photo of Bella...our new puppy in all her cuteness.

She is a Great Dane!!

2009-10-08T11:04:00.001-05:00

I just don't have time for the nervous breakdown I deserve, so please, don't ask me to stop and think!

Download

2009-10-05T13:27:00.004-05:00

Please forgive me if this rambles but I have so much to say and really should be several posts but it's easier just to spill it all in one.
My brother's girlfriend....where to start there? As I stated before, she is pregnant. And she continues to be the thorn in everyone's side that will just not go away. So, this past week there was the whole Facebook fiasco where we were posting nastiness to each other but separate. Then my sister got in on that cause...well..that's my sister and his girlfriend is just a bitch. So the dilemma stands that no one can stand her and she is pregnant with my brother's baby..my niece or nephew. Please God, let it be a boy. (Whole other post as well)
There are issues with Dustin that I don't even think I am fully aware of yet. A few weeks ago, I found this whole plan he had wrote down on how he was going to run away. I freaked out of course, we eventually talked it out and then he went with his Dad and had more issues there and I had to go wick him up. Now, the other day after school, he had a lighter that he says his friend just came up and gave to him.... No reason,just came up and gave it to him. Well, I'm not stupid and I know that these things do not just happen like that and the kids with lighters are either smoking or setting fires, so why does Dustin want it, why did this kid give it to him, where did it come from since it id not just a cheap Bic lighter, this was an engraved Zippo lighter. And Dustin tells me he just wants it cause he thinks they are cool. I am just not buying into that. So why?? Of course, I spoke to the ex about it and as usual, he thinks I am over reacting to this. He never seems to find a problem with things the kids are doing.
I feel overwhelmed completely. I have to figure out how to be around my brother's girlfriend and not wring her neck or express my disgust for her aloud. I was told to believe that she is invisible, but somehow, I just don't think that is gonna happen.
And, what the heck is going on with my kid? I am trying to figure it out. I talk to him and he actually talks to me. Is this just having a teenager? I don't know.
Oh, and my relationship with Buck....I'll have to post on that later.

Makeover

2009-09-26T17:27:00.007-05:00

So...

My old friend came over last night. I have not seen her for 14 years.

She gave me a makeover. Dyed and cut my hair, did my makeup everything.

I like the hair color, but still can't decide if I like the cut and style. I guess I will try it, but I just don't know.

Here is before and after pics.

Before

After

What do you think?

99 Things

2009-09-24T18:44:00.002-05:00

THE 99 THINGS MEME
1. Started your own blog. Hmmmm...
2. Slept under the stars. Yes
3. Played in a band. No
4. Visited Hawaii. Not yet
5. Watched a meteor shower. No
6. Given more than you can afford to charity. No not more than I could afford at the time
7. Been to Disneyland/world. No
8. Climbed a mountain. Yes
9. Held a praying mantis. No, but I freaked out cause there was one on my porch one day!
10. Sang a solo. Only when alone in my car. Trust me, it’s better that way.
11. Bungee jumped. Can not say that I have or that I plan to.
12. Visited Paris. Not yetbut I would love to some day.
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea. No but I bet it would be beautiful to watch not get caught in.
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch. Sewing
15. Adopted a child. No
16. Had food poisoning. Oh, yes.
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty. I have never been to the Statue of Liberty
18. Grown your own vegetables. Yes, and it’s something I would love to do again. Nothing more exciting than picking your own green beans and going inside to cook them up with some potatoes...
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France. No
20. Slept on an overnight train. No
21. Had a pillow fight. Are there people who haven’t had pillow fights?
22. Hitch hiked. Nope
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill. I'm sure that has happened a time or two.
24. Built a snow fort. No
25. Held a lamb. No
26. Gone skinny dipping. Hmmmm...
27. Run a marathon. Uh...no
28. Ridden a gondola in Venice. No
29. Seen a total eclipse. A couple
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset. I have seen both. I prefer sunset
31. Hit a home run. No. I am the least sportsy girl ever
32. Been on a cruise. Nope.
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person. No
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors. Kentucky all the time
35. Seen an Amish community. Only on tv
36. Taught yourself a new language. No
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied. I wonder if I will ever achieve that
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person. No.
39. Gone rock climbing. No, again, not sportsy
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David in person. I don't think so unless they had it at the Art Institute in Chicago when we went there
41. Sung Karaoke. I have and quite poorly I will admit
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt. No but I think it would be cool
43. Bought a stranger a meal in a restaurant. Yes,paid for someone's coffee, filled random parking meters, and every Christmas we pay for the person behind us at least once andtell the cashier to tell them Merry Christmas (the best feeling)
44. Visited Africa. No, but I’d like to. I would love to see wildlife up close and personal...
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight. Yes.
46. Been transported in an ambulance. Yes, when Dustin fell on his bike, I rode with him to the ER
47. Had your portrait painted. No
48. Gone deep sea fishing. No
49. Seen the Sistine chapel in person. No
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris. No
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling. No.
52. Kissed in the rain. Yes
53. Played in the mud. Yeah.
54. Gone to a drive-in theater. Yes! More than once. I wish there were still one around here so I could take my boys
55. Been in a movie. No unless home movies count
56. Visited the Great Wall of China. No
57. Started a business. Yes.
58. Taken a martial arts class No
59. Visited Russia. No.]
60. Served at a soup kitchen. Ihave and it isa very humbling experience. It made me cry.
61. Sold Girl Scout cookies. No
62. Gone whale watching. No
63. Gotten flowers for no reason. Yes, because I have a sweet guy!
64. Donated blood. I have several times
65. Gone sky diving. No and I don't have plans to.
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp. No.
67. Bounced a check. Unfortunately, yes.
68. Flown in a helicopter. No
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy. I have got some from my MaMaw
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial. No
71. Eaten Caviar. Never!
72. Pieced a quilt. One or two.
73. Stood in Times Square. No
74. Toured the Everglades.Yes
75. Been fired from a job. No.
76. Seen the Changing of the Guard in London. Yes.
77. Broken a bone. No
78. Been on a speeding motorcycle. No
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person. No
80. Published a book. No.
81. Visited the Vatican. No
82. Bought a brand new car. No
83. Walked in Jerusalem. No, but I’d really like to some day.
84. Had your picture in the newspaper. No
85. Read the entire Bible. I have
86. Visited the White House. No.
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating. No.
88. Had chickenpox.Yes
89. Saved someone’s life.Not that I’m aware of.
90. Sat on a jury. No
91. Met someone famous. Not that I can remember
92. Joined a book club. No but I read Oprah's book club picks
93. Lost a loved one. Several
94. Had a baby. Three boys
95. Seen the Alamo in person. No
96. Swum in the Great Salt Lake. No.
97. Been involved in a law suit. Yes.
98. Owned a cell phone. One or two.
99. Been stung by a bee. Bees, wasps, yellow jackets, fire ants, you name it

So, there ya go. 99 things about me.
I guess I am kinda boring.

Who’s next?

A recent road trip

2009-09-23T14:38:00.004-05:00

I went on a road trip this past weekend with my baby sister. It was a long ride but fun. It was nice to get away from everyone for a couple days. We went to pick up my Ma Maw in Kentucky for her Dr appointment up here for her foot. It was a very long ride back. My Ma Maw, what can I say? It is hard to imagine that I love her so much and at the very same time aggravates me beyond sometimes. Don't get me wrong, I am thankful that I still have her with me. I just don't understand the way she is sometimes. I guess I don't have to understand, just accept it. Sometimes, it is just difficult to do. Anyway...
We also saw my Uncle Dave who was recently sent home with hospice and no further chemo. He was diagnosed in March with pancreatic cancer. When we walked in, I honestly did not even recognize him sitting in the chair. It was a shock even though I know that he has been sick and that the outcome is not what everyone had hoped and prayed for, but I was still surprised. He does not look like himself at all. He does not seem himself either. He's there, but then again, he's not. It was sad. I don't even know what to say to my Aunt. It is certain that her husband is going to die. Really, it is just a matter of time. I hope that they have more time together but only the Lord knows how long that will be. She is totally emotionally unprepared for this and I doubt that she will ever be. How do you brace yourself for that?
Please lift their family in prayer.

Congrats Amanda and Bobby

2009-09-15T18:40:00.006-05:00

My cousin Amanda got married this weekend. Well, she was already married so I guess this was for the family. I had a wonderful time with my family despite Dustin's attitude problem during dinner. The next morning I felt like hell and remembered why I'm not supposed to drink like that anymore. My knees are still so sore it hurts to move my legs. I suppose that is from all the dancing although they were not hurting last weekend after the anniversary party we went to.

I went to the doctor this past week, he put me on some blood pressure pills and referred me to a cardiologist which I can not get in to see for a month.

I guess enough boring updates!

Until next time....

I leave you with a couple photos from the wedding.

My parents with all their children.

Me with my "baby" brother and Luke.

09-09-09

2009-09-09T22:24:00.003-05:00

Have not posted much here lately. Nothing very positive to write so I'm just gonna give you all an update. Gramma was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer. She was sent home with no treatment plan. She had a prescription list that had I filled all the medication would have cost $1100.00 at Walgreens today! I did not fill them all, obviously! She only has about $1000 life insurance policy so I am so so worried about how to have a funeral for her with no money? She has no money, her kids have no money, and $1000 won't go far at all.
My MaMaw went home and has been doing good on her own down there. She was telling me that she is having a lot of pain in her heal so she may have moved the screw from standing on it too much. But, we will not know about that until she comes back up to see the orthopedic doctor later this month.
My brother is a proud new homeowner and we're expecting the arrival of his baby in February. I hope it's another boy. There is a whole other post right there, but I'll save that for another time.
Oh, and I told Buck that this is not working for me and that I don't think that we should be pretending anymore that it is going to. So, in my head, we are not together. But apparently in his head, things are ok. He is calling like every day like everything is normal. I love you hunny and all. I know that he completely knew what I was saying when I wassaying it. But, anyway, I brought home a bunch of stuff from his house today while he was at work and will be working on getting more stuff back here over the next week.
So, right now, I am just tring to keep my head above water and deal with things as they are coming my way.
"I can do all things through He who strengthens me..." (I don't know the exact verse, but love the quote)

Gramma

2009-08-29T10:44:00.002-05:00

The lady I care for was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer this past Wednesday. It is not really surprising since she has been a very heavy smoker for years and years, but I was still in shock a little to hear the news. Sad too. I know I have complained about her on her before but I do care about her very much. She is being sent home on Monday with no treatment plan. There will be a visiting nurse, therapist, and home helper until we may need further assistance like hospice.
She just said to me that she wanted to outlive her husband who has been in a nursing home for 4 years. He is 91, but seems healthy for his age except he has Alzheimer's. I promised her that if something happened to her that I would still look after him.

School Starts Tomorrow

2009-08-19T20:08:00.004-05:00

Wow, my baby starts school tomorrow.
He is crazy excited about it! I have mixed emotions about him going to Kindergarten. He is growing up so fast. He will be six years old in October. It just does not seem possible. But here we are on the doorstep of school.
I love you Lukey Bear.

Also tomorrow, Dustin starts 7th grade in middle school. He is not so happy about school starting. I am hoping that he has a better school year than last year.

Myles will be in 5th grade tomorrow. Wow.

Again, they are just growing up too fast. Sometimes I wish I could freeze time. There is a song called, "You're gonna miss this" I don't know who sings it, but it could not be true.

Some lines go:
"You're gonna miss this. You're gonna want this back. You're gonna wish these days didn't go by so fast. These are some good times...so take a look around. You may not know it now but you're gonna miss this."

Oh how that must be true.

What am I doing??

2009-08-10T21:15:00.003-05:00

I am trying not to drop my class. I don't know if I will pass now with all the work I have not done still. I could just kick myself in the ass! AGAIN! And still , I sit here blogging about it instead of writing a paper because I have not read all the material form last week for a paper that was due yesterday and then new week starts tomorrow....

Depression Sucks

2009-08-09T21:50:00.003-05:00

I'm so depressed. I just can not seem to bring myself out of it. I do have an appointment with Dr. Shrink on the 14th. I sure hope that she can help me do something. Maybe my meds need adjustment. I don't know, but I can not seem to get anything done and I am really far behind in my class again. This is the third time I am taking this same class and I am behind AGAIN! This is going on week 4 of a 5 week class and I am so far behind that I do not know if I will be able to catch up and actually pass the class. I have never been like this since starting my accounting classes.
My relationship with Buck is on a slow decline. I'm sure that is where we are headed. And I wish I could say that it bothers me, but...
We are just too different in our thinking and what it is that we actually want from each other. And I'm just too tired of trying to please everyone else. I want to do things for me. Maybe that is selfish, but that is how I am feeling. I wish I could say that a relationship seems worth it, but I really can't see that it is.
Maybe it's the depression talking. Maybe not.
My baby starts school in about a week. I thought I was going to be so happy about it. Now not so much. I mean after all, he is the baby. This is the last child I have that will be starting school for the first time. I'm happy to see the little man that he is becoming but sad to see my baby growing up. I remain upbeat and happy about it for him when we are talking about it, but inside I am screaming, it's too soon...not yet...just one more year
I know he will be fine and he will thrive.
Sorry for all the negativity lately. I'm just trying to work through this mess of my life right now.
Until next time...

I can never think of an interesting title

2009-08-05T20:04:00.003-05:00

I have been very busy. This is the third week of five for my class. I am so not motivated for this. I have been slacking just like the last time I took this class. I don't know what my problem is with this class.
My MaMaw is doing well. She has a check up with the doctor tomorrow. He is most likely going to remove her stitches and replace the cast. She stayed with me last weekend to give my sister a break. OMG! She's a lot of work, but so worth it. I enjoy having her here with us.
On another note, my brother's girlfriend is pregnant. Found this out a couple weeks ago. It is still undecided how everyone feels about this since this girl has never really tried to speak to any of us and expects my brother to wait on her hand and foot. I'm sure since she is pregnant that she is going to be handicapped! That irritates me to no end. When I was pregnant with all my kids, I never expected anyone to wait on me. With the last one, I was back at work cleaning apartments two days after he was born and I had worked right up until the day before I had him. When I was pregnant with Myles, I was on the roof hanging Christmas lights. And with Dustin, we had bought the house and I moved, painted, ripped out carpet by myself while the ex was at work. Anyway...if my brother is happy, then I am happy. I am sure that she got pregnant on purpose, but the only thing that matters now to me is that my brother is happy and we are going to have another baby in our family. I know my brother is going to be a good father. He is so good with all his nephews and niece.
Nothing much else to say here. I am waiting for the weekend so I can relax at home in my Pj's.
Until next time....

On and On and On

2009-07-26T21:56:00.004-05:00

So, My class started again last week. I am already struggling with the reading and assignments like I did last time. Emotionally, I have just felt drained and depressed. I do not feel that Buck and I are going to be together much longer. Luke will be starting school soon and we will not be spending as much time there and I honestly do not feel Buck is going to make the effort to come out here. So we are drifting apart. And really, I have known that this was going to come. It's no surprise to me at all, disappointing, but no surprise. It is what it is.
My Ma Maw will be spending the weekend with me next weekend. I really think that my sister is needing a break and I am more than happy to help with her care. I just don't know how I am going to get very much else done with her here. I started my classes again this past Tuesday and I am still struggling with keeping up with the reading and the assignments. I have to complete this class this time. I HAVE TO. This is the third time I am taking it, and it is going to affect my financial aide if I do not take it now.
I go for the second night of my sleep study this Tuesday and have the follow-up appointment with the Endocrinologist this Thursday. Hopefully they will have some answers for me.
Oh, and my brother sprung the news yesterday that his girlfriend is pregnant. So if Phil is happy about this then the rest of the family must be happy for him as well. And who does not love babies that you can send home? But, I sense that she may have felt turbulance in that relationship and after over 3 years, well her birth conrtol pills stopped working? I really think he should have had so say in the timing of that, but again, if my brother is happy, then I am happy for him. I hope we keep the boy streak going. So far out of 7 Grandkids, we only have one girl. We need another boy.
Until next time....

Updating

2009-07-17T23:18:00.003-05:00

My Ma Maw's surgery went well. She is in some pain, but she looks great and I think that she is doing really well. I went to see her today. Her toes are straight on that foot. The first time I think I have ever seen her toes straight. She is in a cast now and can not put any weight on that foot, so she is basically stuck at my sister's house where someone is home all the time. It sucks really, cause I would like to pick her up and bring her home with me for a few days like we were doing before the surgery but I really have no way to get her in the house. So, for right now, I will go to my sister's to visit with her. But she is fine. I had so much anxiety about her surgery the night before she went in, I could not sleep all night. I just could not stop thinking that what if something went wrong? But, everything went good and I am thankful for that. I really hope that this will help her to be in less pain. Love you Ma Maw.

Intermission

2009-07-10T21:37:00.003-05:00

A few updates
I have been very discontent lately. I'm not sure why. I just feel unhappy and depressed. I am trying to pull myself out of it, but I am finding it increasingly difficult. I'm sure that my meds need adjusting, but I have been unable to actually go see the psychiatrist since the insurance change left me with her not on the provider list and others had a wait. Now last week I call again and am told that she is on the provider list but she is going on vacation and will not be in until the end of the month. So, I have medication to last me. I just think that maybe we need to change the meds.
I am going for a sleep study at the end of this month. I am hoping to find answers for my excessive and very loud snoring that Buck keeps complaining about. He actually gets up to sleep on the couch or just goes to the couch to sleep instead of going to bed with me, which has also been bothering me. I know that he needs to sleep too. I know that he is a light sleeper. But still it bothers me that we are just falling into these routines that are in my opinion very unhealthy for our already complicated relationship. And, when he does sleep with me and he has been woke up by my snoring, he gets angry and shitty with me like I am snoring just to keep him awake or something. It's ridiculous.
I also have a follow up appointment with the Endocrinologist at the end of this month. I will find out the results from the extensive blood tests that they did. And hopefully they will have some answers for me and get me feeling better.
My Ma Maw's surgery is finally scheduled for this coming up Wednesday. I am worried for her but know that this surgery will improve her walking and hopefully relieve her of some pain that she has had from her foot being so distorted and walking on the inside of her ankle. Time will tell. She will remain up here at my sister's house to recover since she will not be able to put any weight on that foot for 6 to 8 weeks.
I start back with my classes for my Bachelor's degree on July 21st and I totally am not ready to do that, but I can not take off any more time without it affecting my financial aide. So, I must start again. I don't know how I am going to be able to concentrate on that with so many things going on and my mind is just not in the right place to start with new classes. I hope that I can get into gear with that. I need to. I have to.
I have been quiet lately, well at least where blogging is concerned. I have been feeling so negative about almost everything, and I just don't want to spread that negativity around. It's already all around me. Feels like it is swallowing me up. I feel like I am drowning in it.

'See you later' is harder than I thought

2009-07-08T10:07:00.003-05:00

Our very close friends, Luke's Godparents are moving away next month some time. I am so sad about this. We have been very close and they watched Luke a lot for me when he was younger and I was working. Luke is very attached to them and so are the other boys. I'm trying not to see it as Goodbye, but 'see you later' but just don't know when that later is going to be. They are not moving far, far but far enough that I know we will not be seeing them very much. It just makes me sad and I am not looking forward to sending them off. I thought I would protest like I have done when the girls went off to college, but protesting got me nowhere. The girls still went off to college and Heather is getting married next year and moving even further away. It just is weighing on my heart today. I know that they are having a moving sale this week, I hope that goes well for them. But wherever they go, they are going to be in our hearts for always.

Blah

2009-07-03T20:33:00.003-05:00

Have not really had much to say lately. Sick and tired hearing about Michael Jackson. My kids won't stop fighting. Having issues with Buck. Just nothing positive to say right now, so taking a little break.
Until next time.

Pathetic politicians

2009-06-26T19:01:00.003-05:00

Seriously, I can not believe how people are going on and on about Michael Jackson's death. The same people who are 'mourning' his death today were throwing stones that he was a child molester a couple years ago. And, the mayor of Gary, Oh.My.God! Actually trying to persuade the Jackson family to have the funeral in Gary! What in the world is he thinking? I don't believe that Michael Jackson made all that many visits to Gary after he moved so many years ago. It is just embarrassing, and I do not even live in Gary. Where would they put all the people that may come for a funeral for Michael Jackson? How does the mayor think that he could pay for security for something like that, but the fire and police departments are understaffed. I work in Gary and seriously, it is not a place for a funeral of that magnitude. Any way to capitalize on someone else's tragedy. I hate that people are like that. And it happens all the time. Just pathetic!

Wow

2009-06-25T18:36:00.001-05:00

Michael Jackson and Farrah Faucet have both died today.
Wow.
An era has ended.

Old friends

2009-06-23T22:26:00.003-05:00

I ran in to a dear old friend today by some fluke. He actually came to the yard looking for work. I was working at the yard today and had to get the application for him. I did not even recognise him until I looked at his driver's license. I recognised the name. Then it came to me who he was. We were pretty good friends in HS. It was nice to see someone from the past. And we talked just like we were back in HS for a little while before I had to get back to work. :) I gave him my email.
Finally a good post!

I need to get my butt in gear

2009-06-20T13:30:00.004-05:00

I have so many things to do and absolutely no motivation to get them done. I don't know how that is going to work!
At the Endocrinologist office the other day, she ordered a bunch of blood work on me (12 tubes) so hopefully something will show up there that will give me some answers as to why I have been feeling so crappy. Or maybe it is all just from depression and I am needing to see the Psychiatrist more than any other doctor. I just don't know.
Sorry for the short posts lately, I just have no words right now.

Crazy scheduling coming up, please disregard the current program interruption....

2009-06-17T00:49:00.003-05:00

This week just seems to be so busy. I work in the morning, have to pick up Dustin and Myles from the Dad. I have an appointment with that Endocrinologist tomorrow at 3pm. After that, I have to figure out something to make the children some dinner. My Ma Maw is up here now and we/my sister is trying to get her surgery scheduled for hear foot. She has to be cleared by a doctor in the St. Anthony network and also have a Doppler on her leg all before they will set a surgery date. She has already been told that she will not be able to put any weight on it for 6 to 8 weeks. Of course, I worry about her, but she really needs this surgery.
My other sister has some issues going on in her relationship and personally that she just does not want to face or that she just is not ready to deal with. I do not think that they as parents, realize that everything they do affects my 2 year old nephew. And I can not really write more about it here, because some of my family members may read my blog since I have never kept it a secret. And I do not want to add any more fuel to the fire going there.
Buck started a new job yesterday. He seems to like it, for now. He always seems to get really geared up for the next new job and then shortly afterward, well, he's unhappy about the pay or what he has to do or the tools that he has to constantly carry around. They are getting him too cheap, and he knows that this place is getting him too cheap, he just needed to get out of that last job. We will see what happens with this, I suspect that in 6 months or so, he will start looking for another job that will pay him more.
I also have another appointment on Monday after work for my ear. It is still infected. It is sore and swollen. It still has crap in there, so I think I need more antibiotics to fully get rid of it. I still have drops to put in there, but I think it is not enough. This last course just was not enough. I don't know what to do about all these ear infections. I have had more and more of them in the last ten years.
This weekend coming up is going to be one of my nephew's birthday party, which also happens to be on Father's Day. Buck is probably going to be working, so he will not be with us at my sister's and Luke will have to see his Dad later in the evening to give him his gift and cards.
I can not think of anything else to update about at the moment. I have some photos to upload, but the camera battery is dead, and right now, I am just too lazy to set it up to the computer, so that will have to be another day.

Facebook

2009-06-12T18:49:00.001-05:00

My new Facebook username link, in case anyone is interested

www.fbook.me/bonnydrake

Another good checkup

2009-06-12T15:40:00.002-05:00

Myles appointment went fine. No change in anything which is what we want. We go back in another 6 months. The Doc said that at least for the next 2 years every 6 months appointments will be good and then once a year after that. So this is good. I know that he is fine, but still, I can not help but worry. I try not to, but I can't help it. So, he is 3 years cancer free!! How awesome is that! So happy and blessed.
Until next time...

Just wonderful

2009-06-06T18:06:00.003-05:00

OK, so I broke down and took the cat to the vet. I think that the vet is a quack. He seems to think that Smokey has spontaneously developed allergies even though not a single thing in his environment has changed! His skin is not even red one bit where he has apparently licked the fur off. It's not terrible like the cat is bald or anything, but I was worried about it and I guess I just confirmed that he is fine and just maybe bored and over grooming himself. So, I wasted $70 for the vet to tell me that out of the blue the cat has allergies and that I can buy him some allergy pills for $65 for a month supply. And change his food because the food that he has ate for the last like five years is now maybe causing an allergy. Hmmm. Just great. Thanks Mr. No Explanation, I don't think we will be coming back to see you any time soon.

Random thoughts

2009-06-02T19:14:00.003-05:00

I don't have a real structured post today, not that my posts are usually structured, cause I have not had a real steady stream of thoughts lately, just things constantly going through my head. Rambling.
Today was such a long day. My boss had a bunch of stuff that he wanted me to take care of, and of course, waited until the last 2 hours of the day to tell me everything. So, I was rushing and I hate that. It stresses me out.
Tomorrow is the last day of school for the boys. They are so happy to be off for the summer break. That just means that it is closer that Luke will be going to school this fall and Dustin will be in middle school when school resumes. Myles, thankfully, he will still be in the elementary school for another couple years. The cat is still losing a little more hair. I go for the Endocrinologist appointment on Tuesday and then Myles will have his 6 month check up at the Children's hospital. I'm sure his scans will be good again, I just can not help but stress over it every time we have to go.
I'm worried about money as usual. There are more bills than I can afford to pay. I still have not been able to find a job with that degree I have! So glad that I have student loans totalling more than $23,000 and no job to accompany that. Kinda seems pointless to have the piece of paper right about now.
Oh, yeah, tomorrow, the kids get out of school early since it is the last day. After work, I have to go grocery shopping for Gramma, Luke has to be picked up from daycare, Dustin has an appointment in Merrillville at 5pm, Myles has a baseball game at 5pm in Highland, don't know how I am going to be in two different towns at the same time...
I think that my Mom may take Myles to his game, but even then, she has to work and I don't know how I am going to get him to her and still have Dustin to his appointment on time. I just hate days like that. So, until next time....

2009-05-28T21:29:00.002-05:00

I have an appointment with an Endocrinologist on June 9th.
Hopefully he will be able to figure out what is going on with me.
I'm so tired of feeling this way. I can not even describe how this feels.

Worth Considering...

2009-05-27T11:33:00.003-05:00

I got this in an email and it truly is words to live by.

Worth Considering

Written By Regina Brett, 90 years old, of The Plain Dealer, Cleveland , Ohio.

"To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lesson s life taught me. It is the most-requested column I've ever written. My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:"

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.

2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.

3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.

4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.

5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.

8. Its OK to get angry with God. He can take it.

9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.

10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.

12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.

13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.

15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.
16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.

17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.

18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.

19. It’s never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.

20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take No for an answer.
21. Today is special. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets and wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion.

22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.

23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.

24.The most important sex organ is the brain.

25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'

27. Always choose life.

28. Forgive everyone everything.

29. What other people think of you is none of your business.

30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

33. Believe in miracles.

34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.

35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.

37. Your children get only one childhood.

38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.

39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.

40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.
41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

42. The best is yet to come.

43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

44. Yield.

45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift."

Pointless rambling

2009-05-23T19:28:00.003-05:00

Not much going on this weekend. The kids let me sleep in this morning, which was really nice. Decided to stay in my PJ's all day. I am hopelessly addicted to the Farm Town game on Facebook and have wasted way too much time online today. Monday we are having a cookout at my parent's house.
In other news, I got Luke's results from the Kindergarten Roundup, overall, I think he did pretty good. He was average in some things, above average in others and on the lower of average on one assessment. I know not to read too much into these right now. And he is going to be placed in the afternoon class as I had requested, so that is good. It will work out so much better with daycare and having to pick the older kids up from school as well.
I made pork and cabbage last night for dinner, it was great! Today I made lime chicken in the crock pot...I really love the crock pot. I cut up a watermelon after dinner, I swear it was gone in about 5 minutes, I kid you not.
Oh yeah, I finally made myself an appointment with the doctor on Thursday. I was in the office for 3 hours! (Which is why I put off going there so much.) Of course, I had Luke with me and he was getting bored and tired of being there as I was too. The doctor actually saw me for about 5 minutes or less and then sent me to the lab for a blood test. We waited some more at the lab. When we finally got back there, Luke was standing by the wall because there was only the chair for the patient to get blood work done. I told him "don't touch anything" and the lab technician said "oh yeah, you better come over here away from there, there are needles on that table" well naturally, I about bit her head off, cause 1) I was sitting right there, 2) He was not touching anything to begin with 3) I already had it under control without her opening her mouth to tell my kid what to do when I was sitting right there. It just made me so angry. He wasn't touching anything, he was not misbehaving. So, I feel she had no business saying anything to my kid since I was right there. Anyway, I finally went because I have been very depressed, I have gained about 50 pounds in the last year (which is also depressing), I have been so so crabby and moody, my hair has been falling out so bad everyday that my hair is noticeably thinner, and I just generally do not feel good. Well, the doctor says that those are all symptoms of a slow thyroid. He ordered a blood test and I will find out the results on Tuesday. He also gave me a script for allergies, which is nothing new. Darn sinuses and allergies.
So, this weekend I am staying home and trying to relax and then Monday we are going to my parent's. My Mom has been bugging the crap out of me since Thursday about can Luke spend the night, can Myles spend the night, can Dustin spend the night! Does she not realize that my kids spend half their time with me and half of the time with my ex, so this is MY weekend. And then I have to point that out to her. Seriously, come on.
Maybe I will get some good photos this weekend. Well, enough rambling for now.
Until next time.....

Again about the cat

2009-05-20T11:50:00.002-05:00

OK, I know the last post was about the cat too, but....
Smokey has bald spots on his stomach and one on each front leg. I am totally freaking out about it. He is 10 years old. He has never had anything like this before. I googled and called around to vets yesterday about it. Of course the vets all say well, they can not say without seeing him, which will cost me an arm and a leg usually. I seriously can not afford to take the cat in to the vet right now. So after speaking to several vets yesterday, I have decided to watch it and see if it gets worse. It is does, then I will be taking him to the vet. I would not be so hesitant about it, but these spots are not red at all, they are not scaly at all, he's not itching at all, it does not look irritated at all. On a google search, some articles say that he could be excessively grooming and essentially licking his fur off from stress or boredom. So, I will be buying him some toys today while I am at Walmart and praying that this does not get worse. I have been so worried about it for the last two days now. I am constantly checking to see if it is worse or looks irritated, but it really looks fine, just that there is no fur there.
So Internets, has anyone ever experienced this problem with their cat?? Please tell me about it.

Just for the record...

2009-05-18T21:23:00.003-05:00

I really hate scooping the cat box!
It is Dustin's job mostly, but when they are with their Dad, well, I have to and I really hate it. But, Smokey must have a clean place to do his business, so, I shall do it until Dustin gets here! Poor Dustin.
Just for the record.

Feeling down

2009-05-12T21:25:00.005-05:00

I dropped my class today.
I was too far behind to catch up in the next two weeks. I could not focus on the readings, so I put them off. I could not focus on the assignments, so I put them off. I was so excited and felt such accomplishment when I completed the Associates degree, I thought my life was going to change, FINALLY. It didn't. At first I was so excited to start my classes toward the Bachelor's degree and now, I don't even think it matters.
I'm just so depressed right now. It sucks.
I wonder if I am just destined to be stuck in this place. It sucks. I just feel so miserable and like I have failed.
I have been crabby with everyone lately. I have been angry with my kids about so many things in the last week. I worry that the memories they will have will be of me being angry and not the good times that we have. But, more and more, there have been less good times and more aggravation and anger. I feel frustrated that my kids do not listen to me. Dustin tries to say and do whatever he wants, with no regard for what I tell him or ask him to do or not to say. He has anger issues and I know that his father has a temper and apparently I do too. Myles has a smart mouth. He also completely ignores what I tell him to do. I tell him to hang up his clothes, he goes to his room, comes out like he did it and an hour or two later, I go in his room and there are the clothes I told him to put away! It infuriates me! Luke picks up their habits and obviously only thinks that he has to behave when we are with his Dad. Is it me? Am I doing something wrong? I must be. I feel like a bad mother because my kids do not listen and I yell at them. I feel like I spend all my time yelling at them and not enjoying the time that we are together.
I just am not in a good place right now. I feel like I am stuck here and there is nothing that I can so to change the situation. I do realize that things are not going to change without some action from me, but what am I supposed to do? I don't know. And I hate that I don't know.
I have not been able to find a thing to be happy about. I am stressed on so many levels, I want to crawl in bed and wait for time to me pass by.
I just am not happy and I don't know how to fix it.

Mother's Day

2009-05-10T19:55:00.004-05:00

Well today I spent most of Mother's Day being angry with my kids for not listening to me, fighting with each other, and just generally misbehaving. We went to my sister's house for the annual Mother's Day celebration. There was tons of food. Lots of people. It was nice. But really, I am just depressed about my kids and just life in general at this point. I wanted to take the kids and drop them off and go back home alone for Mother's Day. But, we all went together. The kids played outside the whole time we were there. I caught up with my Mom and sister's. My brother came out there too after he got off work.
Overall, I'm glad today is almost over and pray that tomorrow will be better.
And then, I read some of the blogs that I follow and I hear how they are suffering this Mother's Day because their children are no longer with them and it makes me feel terrible because here I am and I have all my children with me and have only been mostly angry with them all day. I am thankful for my children and all that they bring to my life. I know that sometimes I need to lighten up and not get bent out of shape when things are not going exactly how they should, but that has been increasingly difficult for me lately. I know I have not been very uplifting with my posts lately, I'm sorry for that. I am just trying to work out so many things in my head and in my life.
Thanks for reading.
Happy Mother's Day to all my Momma readers.
Until next time....

Oh, and I forgot my camera so no Mother's Day photos to post. Did not even realize I forgot it until I got back and it was on the table.

I think I'm going to invest in wine

2009-05-08T23:47:00.004-05:00

I have been having some serious problems with Luke not listening to me or really just in general. He just completely ignores me. We had the incident last week with the stranger business. And he had not been listening last week. A couple weeks ago, the daycare lasy had said that he was not being nice to his friends at daycare, friends one minute and can't stand the kid the next minute, he even hit this boy. Then today, I pick him up and she tells me the exact same thing about the friends and he hit this boy again. So, I go to Meijer for some things right after picking him up from daycare, and he has a complete meltdown in Meijer because I took the plastic $1 ball away from him so I COULD PAY FOR IT!
Seriously, he started crying, whining, snot and drool everywhere. He's 5 years old! I was so angry. I gave the ball to the neighbor kid when we got home, just so he would get the picture that I'm not messing around. I don't know what is the problem with him. Maybe it's me. But this is making me crazy.
Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

Oh, and as a side note, my hair is falling out, like a lot. It's kinda freaking me out.