I suck as a blogger. LOL

I guess I will never be a regular blogger, but that's OK. 
I was reading some of my journals last week going back 15 years, I'm proud to say that I have came so far. I honestly don't know how my children and I made it through all that we have been through. But we have came out the other side, stronger and closer together, and for that I am eternally thankful.
Dustin graduated High School in June. I look at him and my heart could just burst, I am so happy and proud of the wonderful young man that he has become. 
Myles will be starting school this year as a Junior, and my baby, Luke will be starting middle school as a 6th grader. This is the first year that I will not have a child in elementary school. It's a happy and sad time for me as a mother. I look forward to watching them grow into fine young men. 
I can report that I am happy and content in my relationship with Buck. In April we will celebrate 12 years together. We have been through so much together and I look forward to spending many more happy years with him. I believe I have found the one my soul has always longed for. We will be working toward moving south when my children all graduate and he retires. 
Until next time...whenever that will be! 

Where have I been?

     It's been such a long time since I have came to this place. So much has happened. I am happier. I feel like a stronger person. My children are growing up so fast. Dustin has graduated. I can't believe my baby has graduated. The school does not have mid-term graduation so he will walk with his class in June for Graduation, but he has met all the requirements for his diploma and no longer needs to attend class. He is looking for a full time job. He has a girlfriend who has helped him in so many ways. I have literally saw him grow up before my eyes. He is a responsible young man with a good head on his shoulders. I'm so proud of him. Dustin comes to me to talk about important things he is going through, this is something I could never before imagined happening. He has matured and I have also learned different ways to communicate with him. He hated me and everything for so long that this is such an answered prayer for me. CI only dreamed of having this kind of a relationship with him. 
     Myles is a Sophomore this year.  Again, where has the time gone? He turns sixteen in a couple days. My baby Myles is going to be sixteen. He is doing better in school but it is still a struggle to make him get up in the morning and go to school. He tests the limits I have set for him every chance he gets. I have to be all over him about his grades, and he is doing well. He is still getting used to having rules and guidance that he did not get living with his father. 
     Luke is in 5th grade this year. Wow. He turned 11 in October. My Lukey Bear is growing up so very fast. I sometimes wish I could stop time to slow down this growing up thing. His ADHD poses issues with homework and attitude that sometimes is overwhelming and I have a hard time dealing with it sometimes. It is a learning process for everyone. I wonder what he thinks sometimes. I wonder if my frustrations with him will forever change him? I am not the most patient person and sometimes it feels like I am exasperated a lot with him. I don't mean to be, I try to remember that he is just 11, and that the ADHD is difficult for him too, I try to also remember that he is my baby and that it won't always be this way. I try to hang on to this time I have with him because very soon his friends are going to become more important than Mom and Dad. He's not going to want to spend the weekends with his parents, he's going to want to be with his friends. It's a natural part of him growing up. I worry constantly that his ADHD will contribute to poor impulse choices. I worry that I am doing everything wrong. Don't all parents worry they are doing it all wrong?
     I am in such a great place with Buck. We love each other more than either of us could have realized. When I think of my future, I can not see the future without him in it. I worry about him so much. He's getting older and works so hard. He hasn't had a real check up with the doctor, EVER. He goes for the yearly DOT physical, but that does not include blood work, a prostate exam, things that a man of 54 should be having checked out. I worry that something will happen to him. I love him so much, I can't imagine my life without him in it. He is my one and only. Like we were meant for each other. I know it sounds corny, but that is what is in my heart. 
     Sorry I'm such a terrible blogger. It has been almost a year since my last post. I always say I'll try to be better about it, but then I always feel that there is nothing exciting in my life that anyone would want to read about. Maybe I need a blog project, a challenge, something. I'll think about it and maybe in the New Year I can start something.  Right now, I have too many projects started at home that I need to finish first. I am crocheting a bunch of granny squares for an afghan, when I go to Mamaw's in March she is going to show me how to sew them all together. I am sewing cloth pads for my stash and hopefully setting up an Etsy store to sell some if I get good at it. And then there is all the Christmas baking, decorating, cooking and then all the clean up from that. 
     So my blog project will have to wait a little bit. 
     I hope everyone is doing well and that Christmas is a happy time filled with family and love.

Many Blessings

     I have so many blessings to be thankful for I simply can not list them all.
At last...I have all three of my boys under the same roof full time. It is wonderful and chaotic, but it makes my heart full even with the struggles and adjustments. My heart and home are full. I could not ask for more.
     Merriest Christmas to all my dear friends and family near and far. My most sincere wish for you all is peace in your hearts and happiness in the New Year to come.

I have a new obsession

many faces of my coffee cup.

I am addicted to coffee. I never thought I would be one of those people but here I am. My Dad got a Keurig in November and I never touched it until recently when I was too lazy to drive to Dunkin Donuts for my coffee (the only place I would previously buy coffee.)  

First thing in the morning I fill my huge coffee mug from the Keurig. It's amazing stuff. I have my organic sugar and raw cream. By far the best coffee I have ever had in my life. I'm thinking why have I never tried this before? Now I am concerned about how much waste there is with the k cups so I have ordered a reusable filter and you're supposed to be able to put your favorite coffee in there and still have the most amazing cup of coffee. We shall see. I'm also thinking someone needs to buy me a Kuerig when I move out of Mom and Dad's and won't be able to use Dad's every day. I can not rave about it enough. The perfect cup of coffee. Every single cup. :) It's a good way to start the day. 

And my heart breaks

If I was a teenager, I would want to be with the parent that lets me do whatever I want. I would want to be with the parent that lets me stay up all night, not do my homework, not be after me about my grades, not care where I am or who I am with, not care what I'm doing, I have no supervision or guidance. I can do whatever I want. There are no chores.

If my other parent was totally the opposite, well of course I would want to be where I have more freedom and no one watching over my back all the time. I get it. I really do.

...But as that other parent, it is so hard to accept that my child only wants me when he can get something out of it. My sweet child only uses me for his benefit and then I'm kicked to the curb like yesterdays trash. It hurts. It breaks my heart. And yet I keep trying to do what is best for him although he hates me for it. That is my job...right? To keep trying and trying until there is nothing left of me, because it is what is best for him although no one seems to care except me. I don't know how much more my heart can take. I miss my sweet boy. I want him back.

Why do I love you?

My life feels like a country song these days. There's a song out there I can not think of the name...about wanting someone when you just can not seem to make it work out. Loving them or wanting them even though you know you shouldn't. That is where I am at these days. There is someone that I love more than I have ever loved anyone, but we just can't seem to make things work out. We love each other, but we hate each other. We value each other's opinion, but we don't want to say one is right and one is wrong, even though we do not agree on most subjects. We continue to support each other and look out for each other but living together is out of the question. I trust him with my child but I would never trust him with my heart again. He hurt me so bad in the past I didn't think I would ever get over it. I have. But I still remember. We both have said awful things to each other in anger, and then are quick to apologize. It's confusing. And yet we are attracted to each other again and again. He's actually the only person that I think I have ever really loved, maybe the only person I will ever really love. I don't know.
Or another song runs through my mind...I hate everything about you...you hate everything about me...why do I love you?
Some things I just can not seem to figure out.
Maybe it's just better to not to try to figure it out.

While I wasn't looking

I must admit...I really miss my children being younger. The teenagers are growing up so fast. Next year my oldest baby will be 18. He's talking of joining the military, which makes me so proud and yet scared to death. Also next year I will have two kids in high school and my baby will be in fourth grade! How did that happen? I look at them all and still see my little babies, no matter how big they get. It's wonderful and sad at the same time. They don't need me as much, which gives me more time for things that I've always said I wanted to do, but now I just want them to spend time with me, but they have friends and plans that they don't want to have family movie night anymore. It's been on my mind a lot lately, what am I going to do when they all grow up?
Eventually, it's just going to be me and the animals.
Maybe I will actually end up being the crazy cat lady...