To be determined...

I've had so much on my mind lately, I really haven't felt myself. My medication has been changed several time trying to get things in balance, but I'm struggling with it. I have had constant fear and panic since the boys were in their accident. I'm so overwhelmingly paranoid that something is going to happen to them when they are not with me. I am constantly worrying about them even more so than before the accident and I'm driving myself crazy with it.
This week I have a court hearing with their father because I filed for full custody, rather than the joint custody that we have currently and I'm so worried about it, it is making me a basket of nerves. I'm hoping and praying that things go well in court, and that I will get the full custody but he has an attorney and I do not and you just never know how those things will go. I really hope with all the evidence and testimony that I have that the judge will finally see how things really are, but I'm going to be going crazy about it until Tuesday. Please say a prayer for me that things will be okay. Right now, I'm just trying to stay calm and totally failing at it.
Dustin celebrated his 17th birthday yesterday, I can not even believe that he's that old. I look at him and still see my little baby. I don't know why they grow up so fast. I'm so proud and lucky to be his Mom.
Until next time...

Random Thoughts

I am still so depressed about my Aunt's death and really, there is no one I can talk to about it. EVERYONE lost her, why should my pain be any different than theirs. My Mom lost her sister, my Ma Maw lost her daughter, my cousin lost her Mother, my sisters also lost their Aunt. So who is there left to talk to about it. I miss her so very much. I have so many regrets. I wish I had went down there when I knew that she was sick co that I could have seen her one more time. I wish I had just went down there! I don't know that I will never not regret that. I loved her and I miss her. I know that we all have lost people close to us. It hurts, I'm told it gets better, and there is a song I have been listening to, but honestly, I don't know if it makes me feel better or worse. I posted the song.

Dustin got community service for his curfew violation. 20 hours. I was actually happy that he got the community service and not just the fine, I think it will teach him more.

Myles I feel is needing more "Mom" attention and I just do not know how to separate my time between the kids, because I know that Dustin needs that attention too, I just have to go about it in a different way, you know, cause Mom is just not cool! I love them so much and I just want them to know how very much I love them and that they mean the world to me. Sometimes, I think my depression keeps me from doing as much as I would like to do with them. I'm trying.

I started my new medication and all I can tell is that I have a hard time falling asleep and then have a hard time waking up in the morning. I miss the old me. The manic me, the could just stay up and go, go, go. But the crashes, oh, the crashes, and the emotions. I don't know what is worse. the manic and crashes, or the medication.

My Luke turns 7 on October 25th. I can't believe he's already going to be that old, but then I say that about all my kids, Dustin will soon be 15 and Myles will be 12 in December. God, where has the time went? They were all just babies coming home from the hospital. I know all mothers have this feeling.

Well, until next time......

Heavenly Birthdays

Happy Birthday Aunt Eddie, your first in Heaven. How I wish you were here. You would have been 50 today. I still can't believe that you are gone. There is a hole in our family. We all miss you so very much. I hope that you were dancing with the angels, Pa paw and Uncle Dave. When we all meet again, what a day of rejoicing that will be.

Welcome to the world Brynn McKenzie

I'm an Aunt again!!

Brynn McKenzie

February 23, 2010

12:33pm

7 pounds 8 ounces

19 inches

Congratulations Phil and Kellie. She is beautiful and I love her.

Cultural diversity

Buck turns 48 tomorrow. We have been together for five years now. Wow.
It's funny, because when I look at him, I do not see the age difference of 14 years. I do not see that he is Mexican and I obviously am not. I just see that I love him. Someone jokingly told me once that I was robbing the old folk's home instead of robbing the cradle as the saying goes, but I have never saw the age difference or the race difference.
Honestly, I hate to admit that before I started dating Buck, I never imagined being with someone that was not the same race as myself. Very close-minded. I was culturally unaware of all that there is out there. I had never given thought to the differences that people make sometimes based just your skin color. I just had never thought about it.
Buck has taught me many things regarding race and differences that there are. I do not always agree with what he says about some things, but I have learned that there are differences. And the thought had not crossed my mind until recently that we are a bi-racial couple. I thought that was only reserved for black and white relationships, but it is not. It hurt my feelings when this was pointed out to me, because I had never looked at our relationship in that manner. But, regardless of how they said it, they were right, we are a bi-racial couple. Something I never thought I would be saying about me.
I still do not care about the age or the cultures, I can see past all that and I see the last five years of my life with him. A lot of good, some bad, but it has been the right thing for me.
Until next time...

Dustin is officially 13!

I've been so busy this is the first chance I have had to post. Dustin's birthday party was good. All the family was there, my brother and sister got into an argument, my youngest nephew fell and hurt his eye. Nothing out of the ordinary! LOL Dustin thought he was so cool, all dressed up. He was even pleasant to everyone and really seemed to be happy. I was glad for that. My Mom made some awesome lasagna and garlic bread.
I promise to post photos to Flicker as soon as I get to my computer, just wanted to update.

Life and Death

Today is a day like many other for some, but for me, it is eternally the day that my bestest friend in High School passed away from brain cancer. We were thinking that she was improving, but then within a week, she was gone. This was so difficult for me. It has been 16 years since she has been gone. And I can't even explain how hard it is to write that it has been 16 years. I loved her so very much. It was so hard. It was unfair. We were teenagers, teenagers didn't get cancer! Well, they really do get cancer and they really do die from it. I wish that was not the case. I wish that she did not die. I wish that we were able to be there for each other's weddings. The births of our children. But, that was just not God's plan. I feel like I was robbed of my best friend when I needed one so badly. And although it has been 16 years, I still miss her just as much.

She got these floweres for her 16th Birthday. I wonder if it would have made a difference then to know that she was going to be sick.

13 years ago, I had went into the beginning stages of labor with my oldest baby, Dustin. I cryed, he just could not be born on the day that Kimmie had died. I was really upset about it. Thankfully he waited until 4:25am on February 23, 1996. So this day in my mind is all Kim's. I always remember, I always take flowers, and sometimes when I am really having a hard time, I go there and talk to her. I'm not really expecting an answer, but I do feel her presence. I feel her presence around me often. I miss her terribly sometimes. Today is one of those days.

RIP Sweet Kim. I still love you. I wish we had more time.

Call me crazy

So this last week has been absolutely crazy. Super busy at work. Super busy with assignments for this class that started last week, and actually I am behind in the reading. The kids have different things going on. I spent half the weekend last weekend at my sister's house, which was really great to just be with the family, but I should have been doing schoolwork. But, I really feel that my sister needs support right now with some situations that she is having to deal with and I want her to know that I am here for her and the family. In my absence from the family, I never really noticed how much I did in fact miss them.



I am mentally trying to prepare for my baby to go to school, which is going to bring big changes with my living arrangements and also the schedule with my older boys. I FINALLY got new tires on my van and found that I need sway bars, whatever those are and the tires cost more than I had expected. I still have bills that have yet to be paid. I really want shopping therapy, but I have learned from past experiences that shopping really does not make things better, but further the financial problems. So, that is not an option.



I still have not been able to find an adequate job, which is stressing me out. I know it is a terrible time to be looking for a job with the economy in the dump that it is in, but I seriously need to find a better job. I love my job at the Inn, but I don't get paid enough and I am tired of cleaning up after people, when I could actually be making more money in a field that I worked hard to get a degree in, but the jobs just are not out there right now. So, I will have to stick it out where I am until something happens otherwise.



I am hating the fact that it looks like Luke's Godparents may be moving to Kentucky. It's about four hours from here where they would be moving, but the chances of us going to visit very often are unlikely. And if his Godparents and their girls are all there, then what reason would they have to come back here to visit? It just makes me sad. These people are literally like family to us and I hate the fact that they are going to be leaving the area. It is an opportunity for them to start over and mend feelings among their family, I will just miss them, and I know that Luke will miss them so very much.



And, lastly in this small novel of an update, Dustin turns 13 on Monday. I have to say that I am not looking forward to it at all. He already is such a handful with his attitude and I really don't know a better way to describe how he acts and talks to me and his thinking about things. I know that some would say, "Well, he's a teenager. Get used to it. It's not going to get better." These are comments that I do not want to hear. I rationally realize that he won't be like this forever, but right now, dealing with him, he says very hurtful things, he does not listen to me, I get nasty looks whenever I talk to him, he does not feel that I should be telling him what to do or how to do it, he does not do what I tell him to do until I am yelling at him to get it done, he blatantly disrespects me and I don't know what to do with him. But I have to deal with it, I am his Mom, but sometimes, it is just really difficult. But, on Sunday, we will have him a Birthday party and hopefully he will be happy and it will be good.



So, this is a little of what is going on lately. Oh, and now all of a sudden, Buck has a guilty conscience about not going with me anywhere, so he is going to make a conscious effort to go with me. I feel torn in multiple directions. Oh, and did I mention that when I went to see Dr. Shrink this week, that she changed up my medication a little bit and the new medication is not covered in the plan. So, I do not know what is going to happen with that. The samples that she gave me seem to be helping, but if they are not covered, I can not take it.

10 years old today

My middle boy turned 10 years old today. It makes me sad to think that he is growing up so fast. I look at him and still see the little boy that he used to be. He is one of the sweetest kids I have ever known and I am blessed that he is healthy and happy. He has been through a lot in the last few years and has kept the same sweetness that he had as a young child.

He was only a week old in this photo.

In this next photo he was about 10 months old. I don't know where the time has went. This seems like just yesterday.

This was taken when Myles was about 18 months old. He has always been a happy kid. I can only hope that remains as he gets older into near teenage years.

I promise this is the last one for this post. This photo was taken last year of the two of us together. I have very few photos of me and the kids together. I am usually the one behind the camera taking the photos.

So today my baby Myles is 10 years old.

Changes

I should be working on homework, but I don't feel like it.
I have been sick. I went to the doctor yesterday and got some antibiotics.
We had a really nice birthday party for Luke on Sunday. My mother actually planned the whole thing. It was nice. I did not have to do anything, just show up with Luke. That was nice too. It was weird, but nice to be around the whole family after all this time. I reconciled with my sister after almost two years now. I was not speaking to her as well as my mother. Well, really, I separated myself from the whole family when this incident happened with my mother. I think that we have come a long way in the last couple months. But there are still apprehensions there for me because of the past. I don't want to get sucked into the same patterns that were there before.
My sister is having a birthday party for my niece this coming Sunday. I agreed to bring the kids. I was hoping to slowly work with this, but my niece's birthday is just two days after Luke's, so she already had a party planned for her before this unexpected party for Luke. I will go like I said I will. We'll see how it goes.
I guess time helps to heal wounds, but does it help change people too?? I guess only time will tell.

Another year older

I remember a time when 33 seemed so old! Now, I know it's really not, but it sure feels like it some days (well, ok, a lot of days). My birthday is today. 33. Yeah.......
Not really excited about it. Really, it's just another day. Maybe we will go out to dinner, but we've already went out twice this week for dinner, so I don't know about that.