To be determined...

I've had so much on my mind lately, I really haven't felt myself. My medication has been changed several time trying to get things in balance, but I'm struggling with it. I have had constant fear and panic since the boys were in their accident. I'm so overwhelmingly paranoid that something is going to happen to them when they are not with me. I am constantly worrying about them even more so than before the accident and I'm driving myself crazy with it.
This week I have a court hearing with their father because I filed for full custody, rather than the joint custody that we have currently and I'm so worried about it, it is making me a basket of nerves. I'm hoping and praying that things go well in court, and that I will get the full custody but he has an attorney and I do not and you just never know how those things will go. I really hope with all the evidence and testimony that I have that the judge will finally see how things really are, but I'm going to be going crazy about it until Tuesday. Please say a prayer for me that things will be okay. Right now, I'm just trying to stay calm and totally failing at it.
Dustin celebrated his 17th birthday yesterday, I can not even believe that he's that old. I look at him and still see my little baby. I don't know why they grow up so fast. I'm so proud and lucky to be his Mom.
Until next time...

Humbug!

     I am just not feeling the Christmas cheer this year. I don't feel like baking, I don't feel like decorating, I don't feel like being cheery. Don't get me wrong I have so many things to be thankful for, but just not feeling the Christmas cheer that normally overcomes me this time of year. I want to feel the Christmas spirit where I feel a little nicer than usual, I feel kinder than usual, I feel happier than usual. This year...I got nothing so far. I'm hoping I will find it before Christmas, I really hope I do. And I do have so many blessings to be thankful for. Even though things are not exactly how I'd like them to be they are better than they could have been.
     Myles will have the wires removed from his mouth just in time for Christmas, so he will be very happy to be enjoying Christmas dinner. I'm thankful for that, although secretly I think he has got used to me waiting on him hand and foot. And I gladly do it, because when I think that I could have lost him and Dustin, it is just too much to bear. I thank God every day for looking out for them and that they are ok. I don't think the boys realize how blessed they are. It really has added perspective for me though in a way that I thought I had already, especially since Myles had had cancer when he was 7, but this has added new meaning for me.

     Until next time...

Good news

I got my hearing date for SSI in the mail today. I am excited and nervous about it. I'm praying that this will finally be approved and I can get on with the next chapter in my life. Please pray for me and my family. If this goes through, we will be moving and there will be lots of changes happening for us all.

what to do

I'm so depressed. I don't know what to do. My boys have decided that they want to live with their abusive father because he just lets them do whatever they want. I'm living at home with my parents because I have spent so much money on attorneys trying to keep the boys out of that situation. I'm miserable at my parent's. I don't have the cash to move out at the moment. Dustin is smoking despite my repeated trying to talk to him about it and why he should not be smoking. Myles has a giant ship on his shoulder and does nothing but give me an attitude. Luke is picking up on their bad habits of talking back and he is getting into more and more trouble. I feel like everything is spinning out of control and I have no one to talk to about it. I want to just go to bed and never wake up. I know that sounds bad but that is totally how I have been feeling. Buck is lying to me again. I would love to just walk away from everyone and start new somewhere, but then I would need to have the cash to do that and I don't have it right now. I'm so sorry to vent here all the time and be so negative. It's depressing. I just wish something would go right for me for once in my life.
OK, off the pity pot. I'm going to bed, tomorrows another day. Luke starts 2nd grade tomorrow.

Just checking in

Luke made it back from Evansville, spoiled as usual. He is lucky to have such great Godparents. School starts here on August 17th. I am so glad the boys will be back in school. The summer seems to have went by fast. I have some unspoken prayer requests. I am going through a hard time emotionally and spiritually and really could use the prayers. Things just never seem to get better. I know that is not the optimistic way to view things, but really, when does it let up?
My boys have decided that even after all that is going on with CPS and what their Dad has done, they want to go back to spending half their time with him. It has me feeling let down and really taken advantage of, because it's like they have a total disregard for what I do for them and what I continue to do for them. I don't want to be going through this again, and their father just does not see anything wrong with what he does, he never has. Nothing is ever his fault. I don't want my kids growing up with this thinking, but I see it in them some already, no matter how hard I try to teach them otherwise.
We were temporarily staying with my parents, but that is carrying over to the school year, which I am not happy about, but my Dad got laid off work and with my Mom already laid off, they need the financial assistance too. So, things just are not going good, and there are other things going on beyond my control, that I just have to pray about and hope that things turn out for the best. That is just a hard thing to do sometimes.

Missing Luke

Luke has been visiting his Godparents in Southern Indiana for almost 2 weeks now and I am missing him tonight like crazy. He won't be home until this Saturday. Hopefully the week goes by fast and my boy will be home before I have time to miss him this week. That's what I'm hoping for anyway. I have other worries I'm facing too that just have me down and depressed. I just don't know why thing happen the way they do sometimes.

Password

I'm about to go password protected. Please send me your email address for the invite. Thanks to all who read and uplift me during this difficult time and the more difficult things to come. I love you each and every one.

Been MIA

I have missed blogging so much. I had some issues going on with my kids that preventing me from posting since October. So much has happened and still happening, but I am tired of being silent and the blogging is theraputic for me.


In October 2010, my oldest boy suffered a severe beating at the hands of his father. He was picked up by his neck and threw hrough the wall. DCS is involved and we have been going back and forth to court. It has been extremely stressful and demanding of time and resources. Although I did nothing to the children, I have to go through the parenting classes and individual and family therapy. We all had to have psychological exams and my son has to have random drug testing. I have been very stressed out and frustrated.


This has been a difficult time for me and the kids. I have waivered in my faith and felt alone in this. Dealing with DCS and the service providers is stressful. They expect you to drop everything and jump through hoops to comply with what they want with no consideration to the fact that I work and have to provide for my family while he is paying no child support and not doing anything positive for the kids. The kids are going for weekly visitation and family therapy with their father and each child has individual therapy as well. It is easy to see how people get fed up with dealing with these people and don't comply and end up losing their parental rights. And even though I did not do anything, they can still take my kids because they are technically wards of the state at the time, so I have to comply with their demands as well or I can lose them. And as their plan stands, the plan is reunification, which would mean that we would go back to having joint custody with the chance of this happening again fairly high, since their father has not changed his behavior. He was an abusive husband and now an abusive father. This just further perpetuates the problems that the boys have with their behavior and their attitudes in addition to the fact that they are 12 and 15 with atttudes anyway.


Sometimes, I just want to give up. Somedays, I just don't feel like going on. Somedays, it just is too much. But then think these are my kids, how can I just give up, even though they are acting out and I get all the bad behavior. Somedays, it is just too much for me to bear. And then, I get up the next day and do it again because I'm the Mom and they are my children. It's just so frustrating.

Billy Currington - Let Me Down Easy

I'm broken...

Why can't I just walk completely away?

Why do I continue to allow my self to hurt over him?

I will never be the same.

I will never trust the same again.

Why do I still love him? I shouldn't, but I do.

I feel completely foolish and defeated.

Random Thoughts

I am still so depressed about my Aunt's death and really, there is no one I can talk to about it. EVERYONE lost her, why should my pain be any different than theirs. My Mom lost her sister, my Ma Maw lost her daughter, my cousin lost her Mother, my sisters also lost their Aunt. So who is there left to talk to about it. I miss her so very much. I have so many regrets. I wish I had went down there when I knew that she was sick co that I could have seen her one more time. I wish I had just went down there! I don't know that I will never not regret that. I loved her and I miss her. I know that we all have lost people close to us. It hurts, I'm told it gets better, and there is a song I have been listening to, but honestly, I don't know if it makes me feel better or worse. I posted the song.

Dustin got community service for his curfew violation. 20 hours. I was actually happy that he got the community service and not just the fine, I think it will teach him more.

Myles I feel is needing more "Mom" attention and I just do not know how to separate my time between the kids, because I know that Dustin needs that attention too, I just have to go about it in a different way, you know, cause Mom is just not cool! I love them so much and I just want them to know how very much I love them and that they mean the world to me. Sometimes, I think my depression keeps me from doing as much as I would like to do with them. I'm trying.

I started my new medication and all I can tell is that I have a hard time falling asleep and then have a hard time waking up in the morning. I miss the old me. The manic me, the could just stay up and go, go, go. But the crashes, oh, the crashes, and the emotions. I don't know what is worse. the manic and crashes, or the medication.

My Luke turns 7 on October 25th. I can't believe he's already going to be that old, but then I say that about all my kids, Dustin will soon be 15 and Myles will be 12 in December. God, where has the time went? They were all just babies coming home from the hospital. I know all mothers have this feeling.

Well, until next time......

Does it ever end?

I have so much to write about and absolutely no energy to get it all out! I have been a mess. I went to the Dr. she changed my meds, but of course, it has to have prior authorization, which could take up to a week. I have issues with my kids, I am so done with Buck! I've wasted 7 years on him, WHY? I feel so tired all the time and can't seem to make myself do anything. I just can not seem to get out of this funk and I don't know what to do. Will try to update more soon. Oh, and I am now over 200lbs! Just great! I have NEVER been that heavy in my life, even after 3 kids.

Going to MaMaw's

I'm leaving tomorrow to go visit my MaMaw. It will be the first time I have been back since my Aunt died in March. I am happy to be going "home" but know there are going to be many emotions when I go up to that graveyard. I've been listening to the song "The house that built me" by Miranda Lambert and it just feels like me right now. I've been feeling lost and looking for my way to whatever it is I am supposed to be doing with my life. There has to be more than this. So maybe some soul searching at MaMaw's is what is in order. I hope so anyway. I always hate to leave there so that will be teary. I'll get back right before the kids have to go to school. Good timing. I'll still be checking in and maybe update from the road(if we can get any signal.)

I'm alive

I have so much to update. And photos to post. Things are pretty much the same here, as usual. I didm't want anyone to think that I have fallen off the face of the earth or anything. Hopefully tomorrow, I can update and post some photos.

Hi

I'm still here, just in a funk. Well...still in the same funk to tell the truth. The next couple weeks I have many obligations to fill since I am hopelessly unable to say no to anyone. I have taken on another "part-time" job caring for a lady with Lyme Disease. So sad how it has robbed her of her ability to live life as she was used to. But I will try to get a better update on here this weekend. I have a lot to say but have to get it out of my head.
Until next time.