Just checking in

Luke made it back from Evansville, spoiled as usual. He is lucky to have such great Godparents. School starts here on August 17th. I am so glad the boys will be back in school. The summer seems to have went by fast. I have some unspoken prayer requests. I am going through a hard time emotionally and spiritually and really could use the prayers. Things just never seem to get better. I know that is not the optimistic way to view things, but really, when does it let up?
My boys have decided that even after all that is going on with CPS and what their Dad has done, they want to go back to spending half their time with him. It has me feeling let down and really taken advantage of, because it's like they have a total disregard for what I do for them and what I continue to do for them. I don't want to be going through this again, and their father just does not see anything wrong with what he does, he never has. Nothing is ever his fault. I don't want my kids growing up with this thinking, but I see it in them some already, no matter how hard I try to teach them otherwise.
We were temporarily staying with my parents, but that is carrying over to the school year, which I am not happy about, but my Dad got laid off work and with my Mom already laid off, they need the financial assistance too. So, things just are not going good, and there are other things going on beyond my control, that I just have to pray about and hope that things turn out for the best. That is just a hard thing to do sometimes.

Been MIA

I have missed blogging so much. I had some issues going on with my kids that preventing me from posting since October. So much has happened and still happening, but I am tired of being silent and the blogging is theraputic for me.


In October 2010, my oldest boy suffered a severe beating at the hands of his father. He was picked up by his neck and threw hrough the wall. DCS is involved and we have been going back and forth to court. It has been extremely stressful and demanding of time and resources. Although I did nothing to the children, I have to go through the parenting classes and individual and family therapy. We all had to have psychological exams and my son has to have random drug testing. I have been very stressed out and frustrated.


This has been a difficult time for me and the kids. I have waivered in my faith and felt alone in this. Dealing with DCS and the service providers is stressful. They expect you to drop everything and jump through hoops to comply with what they want with no consideration to the fact that I work and have to provide for my family while he is paying no child support and not doing anything positive for the kids. The kids are going for weekly visitation and family therapy with their father and each child has individual therapy as well. It is easy to see how people get fed up with dealing with these people and don't comply and end up losing their parental rights. And even though I did not do anything, they can still take my kids because they are technically wards of the state at the time, so I have to comply with their demands as well or I can lose them. And as their plan stands, the plan is reunification, which would mean that we would go back to having joint custody with the chance of this happening again fairly high, since their father has not changed his behavior. He was an abusive husband and now an abusive father. This just further perpetuates the problems that the boys have with their behavior and their attitudes in addition to the fact that they are 12 and 15 with atttudes anyway.


Sometimes, I just want to give up. Somedays, I just don't feel like going on. Somedays, it just is too much. But then think these are my kids, how can I just give up, even though they are acting out and I get all the bad behavior. Somedays, it is just too much for me to bear. And then, I get up the next day and do it again because I'm the Mom and they are my children. It's just so frustrating.

There is just only so much I can take! Does that make you a big man doing that to your children? Feeling better? You Jackass! I hope and pray that something good comes out of this. God please look over my family.

I'm so glad I got a dog

I have got to do something. I feel so depressed.
The Psych just keeps changing my meds which is sending me in emotional circles. I feel like I am spiraling out of control sometimes. She just changes another medication or adds another or takes one off. This crazy cocktail. I don't even know if it's working, but she reassures me I should continue with the meds. Most of the time, I wonder.
Buck. Buck. Buck......
I am still letting him see Luke but it is killing me. It kills me that he's calling everyday to talk to Luke. I don't talk to Buck when he calls, but just knowing that he's on the phone...
These are all things that he said "Oh, I don't have time for this" He has picked Luke up for some weekends, and I'm happy that Luke has him, but knowing that he lied and cheated on me and my son thinks that he's just great, it makes me mad. Suddenly, he has time now to be with Luke that he never had before or wanted to have for before, and really I think that he does it more for his own benefit than for Luke. It's so he's not completely alone all the time, and Luke worships him. It makes me sad. It makes me cry. It makes me angry.
I can't move on. I can't go back. I don't see the future.
I have prayed and prayed about this and I just don't hear any answers.
Realistically, I know that Buck and I could never be together again. I could never trust him again. I know this. But, my heart, well it just does not listen.
OK, enough of my pity party. I have some chores to do before I go to bed.

Gramma

Gramma died Wednesday October 14, 2009. Her daughters are unbelievable. They were fighting about her things before she even died and then were calling, texting, and leaving me messages ALL day until I turned my phone off that evening. I can't believe how they were totally unconcerned about her when she was alive and then immediately started bickering about her belongings. One of her daughters even got in her car and drove here all the way from Mississippi after she died because she has some old paperwork that said that she was the executor of Gramma's will. But her paperwork is old and she drove here to be executor of nothing because they have nothing! Unbelievable! It absolutely sickens me.

Download

Please forgive me if this rambles but I have so much to say and really should be several posts but it's easier just to spill it all in one.
My brother's girlfriend....where to start there? As I stated before, she is pregnant. And she continues to be the thorn in everyone's side that will just not go away. So, this past week there was the whole Facebook fiasco where we were posting nastiness to each other but separate. Then my sister got in on that cause...well..that's my sister and his girlfriend is just a bitch. So the dilemma stands that no one can stand her and she is pregnant with my brother's baby..my niece or nephew. Please God, let it be a boy. (Whole other post as well)
There are issues with Dustin that I don't even think I am fully aware of yet. A few weeks ago, I found this whole plan he had wrote down on how he was going to run away. I freaked out of course, we eventually talked it out and then he went with his Dad and had more issues there and I had to go wick him up. Now, the other day after school, he had a lighter that he says his friend just came up and gave to him.... No reason,just came up and gave it to him. Well, I'm not stupid and I know that these things do not just happen like that and the kids with lighters are either smoking or setting fires, so why does Dustin want it, why did this kid give it to him, where did it come from since it id not just a cheap Bic lighter, this was an engraved Zippo lighter. And Dustin tells me he just wants it cause he thinks they are cool. I am just not buying into that. So why?? Of course, I spoke to the ex about it and as usual, he thinks I am over reacting to this. He never seems to find a problem with things the kids are doing.
I feel overwhelmed completely. I have to figure out how to be around my brother's girlfriend and not wring her neck or express my disgust for her aloud. I was told to believe that she is invisible, but somehow, I just don't think that is gonna happen.
And, what the heck is going on with my kid? I am trying to figure it out. I talk to him and he actually talks to me. Is this just having a teenager? I don't know.
Oh, and my relationship with Buck....I'll have to post on that later.

09-09-09

Have not posted much here lately. Nothing very positive to write so I'm just gonna give you all an update. Gramma was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer. She was sent home with no treatment plan. She had a prescription list that had I filled all the medication would have cost $1100.00 at Walgreens today! I did not fill them all, obviously! She only has about $1000 life insurance policy so I am so so worried about how to have a funeral for her with no money? She has no money, her kids have no money, and $1000 won't go far at all.
My MaMaw went home and has been doing good on her own down there. She was telling me that she is having a lot of pain in her heal so she may have moved the screw from standing on it too much. But, we will not know about that until she comes back up to see the orthopedic doctor later this month.
My brother is a proud new homeowner and we're expecting the arrival of his baby in February. I hope it's another boy. There is a whole other post right there, but I'll save that for another time.
Oh, and I told Buck that this is not working for me and that I don't think that we should be pretending anymore that it is going to. So, in my head, we are not together. But apparently in his head, things are ok. He is calling like every day like everything is normal. I love you hunny and all. I know that he completely knew what I was saying when I wassaying it. But, anyway, I brought home a bunch of stuff from his house today while he was at work and will be working on getting more stuff back here over the next week.
So, right now, I am just tring to keep my head above water and deal with things as they are coming my way.
"I can do all things through He who strengthens me..." (I don't know the exact verse, but love the quote)

Crazy scheduling coming up, please disregard the current program interruption....

This week just seems to be so busy. I work in the morning, have to pick up Dustin and Myles from the Dad. I have an appointment with that Endocrinologist tomorrow at 3pm. After that, I have to figure out something to make the children some dinner. My Ma Maw is up here now and we/my sister is trying to get her surgery scheduled for hear foot. She has to be cleared by a doctor in the St. Anthony network and also have a Doppler on her leg all before they will set a surgery date. She has already been told that she will not be able to put any weight on it for 6 to 8 weeks. Of course, I worry about her, but she really needs this surgery.
My other sister has some issues going on in her relationship and personally that she just does not want to face or that she just is not ready to deal with. I do not think that they as parents, realize that everything they do affects my 2 year old nephew. And I can not really write more about it here, because some of my family members may read my blog since I have never kept it a secret. And I do not want to add any more fuel to the fire going there.
Buck started a new job yesterday. He seems to like it, for now. He always seems to get really geared up for the next new job and then shortly afterward, well, he's unhappy about the pay or what he has to do or the tools that he has to constantly carry around. They are getting him too cheap, and he knows that this place is getting him too cheap, he just needed to get out of that last job. We will see what happens with this, I suspect that in 6 months or so, he will start looking for another job that will pay him more.
I also have another appointment on Monday after work for my ear. It is still infected. It is sore and swollen. It still has crap in there, so I think I need more antibiotics to fully get rid of it. I still have drops to put in there, but I think it is not enough. This last course just was not enough. I don't know what to do about all these ear infections. I have had more and more of them in the last ten years.
This weekend coming up is going to be one of my nephew's birthday party, which also happens to be on Father's Day. Buck is probably going to be working, so he will not be with us at my sister's and Luke will have to see his Dad later in the evening to give him his gift and cards.
I can not think of anything else to update about at the moment. I have some photos to upload, but the camera battery is dead, and right now, I am just too lazy to set it up to the computer, so that will have to be another day.

Pointless rambling

Not much going on this weekend. The kids let me sleep in this morning, which was really nice. Decided to stay in my PJ's all day. I am hopelessly addicted to the Farm Town game on Facebook and have wasted way too much time online today. Monday we are having a cookout at my parent's house.
In other news, I got Luke's results from the Kindergarten Roundup, overall, I think he did pretty good. He was average in some things, above average in others and on the lower of average on one assessment. I know not to read too much into these right now. And he is going to be placed in the afternoon class as I had requested, so that is good. It will work out so much better with daycare and having to pick the older kids up from school as well.
I made pork and cabbage last night for dinner, it was great! Today I made lime chicken in the crock pot...I really love the crock pot. I cut up a watermelon after dinner, I swear it was gone in about 5 minutes, I kid you not.
Oh yeah, I finally made myself an appointment with the doctor on Thursday. I was in the office for 3 hours! (Which is why I put off going there so much.) Of course, I had Luke with me and he was getting bored and tired of being there as I was too. The doctor actually saw me for about 5 minutes or less and then sent me to the lab for a blood test. We waited some more at the lab. When we finally got back there, Luke was standing by the wall because there was only the chair for the patient to get blood work done. I told him "don't touch anything" and the lab technician said "oh yeah, you better come over here away from there, there are needles on that table" well naturally, I about bit her head off, cause 1) I was sitting right there, 2) He was not touching anything to begin with 3) I already had it under control without her opening her mouth to tell my kid what to do when I was sitting right there. It just made me so angry. He wasn't touching anything, he was not misbehaving. So, I feel she had no business saying anything to my kid since I was right there. Anyway, I finally went because I have been very depressed, I have gained about 50 pounds in the last year (which is also depressing), I have been so so crabby and moody, my hair has been falling out so bad everyday that my hair is noticeably thinner, and I just generally do not feel good. Well, the doctor says that those are all symptoms of a slow thyroid. He ordered a blood test and I will find out the results on Tuesday. He also gave me a script for allergies, which is nothing new. Darn sinuses and allergies.
So, this weekend I am staying home and trying to relax and then Monday we are going to my parent's. My Mom has been bugging the crap out of me since Thursday about can Luke spend the night, can Myles spend the night, can Dustin spend the night! Does she not realize that my kids spend half their time with me and half of the time with my ex, so this is MY weekend. And then I have to point that out to her. Seriously, come on.
Maybe I will get some good photos this weekend. Well, enough rambling for now.
Until next time.....

I think I'm going to invest in wine

I have been having some serious problems with Luke not listening to me or really just in general. He just completely ignores me. We had the incident last week with the stranger business. And he had not been listening last week. A couple weeks ago, the daycare lasy had said that he was not being nice to his friends at daycare, friends one minute and can't stand the kid the next minute, he even hit this boy. Then today, I pick him up and she tells me the exact same thing about the friends and he hit this boy again. So, I go to Meijer for some things right after picking him up from daycare, and he has a complete meltdown in Meijer because I took the plastic $1 ball away from him so I COULD PAY FOR IT!
Seriously, he started crying, whining, snot and drool everywhere. He's 5 years old! I was so angry. I gave the ball to the neighbor kid when we got home, just so he would get the picture that I'm not messing around. I don't know what is the problem with him. Maybe it's me. But this is making me crazy.
Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

Oh, and as a side note, my hair is falling out, like a lot. It's kinda freaking me out.

Three blind mice?

I have been battling with field mice ever since it started getting cold outside. I get them every winter because of the woods. It is so irritating when I keep setting traps and the little buggers eat the peanut butter and the trap does not go off! I'm practically feeding them. I have tried placing them in different positions, less peanut butter, more peanut butter, bending the tab on the mouse trap so that it can barely be set and STILL, they eat and the trap does not go off. Urgh! I have been putting down Decon and they are eating that too. I wonder if I am losing the battle here.
And it's so gross, mouse poop every time I turn around in the cabinet under the sink and under the stove. I have went on crazy cleaning sprees bleaching and cleaning everything only to have them return! I wish they would just go back outside or to the neighbors even, just not in my house!

Just irritated

Really, irritated is about the best way I can explain my feelings of the day, well, the week. I have been helping Buck to search for someone online that he really should try to contact. Anyway, we did the reunion.com thing, we did the classmates.com thing, and he even paid for a people search that actually produced a lot of information about this person. Addresses, phone numbers, relatives and their addresses and phone numbers, a mountain of information. So, we know where this person lives. But, he still keeps trying to locate her online, like through Facebook, or Reunion, or Classmates, and then gets his pants in a bunch when I try to tell him something different. It is just really irritating for me, because if you are asking for my help, then let me help you. Or are you just asking for my help so that you can be crabby with me about it when you do not find what you are looking for. All this information is very relevant to him. And important, but we have had the people search for 2 years now and he has not once tried to make contact through the information that we do have. And, then he's crabby with me about it! Hey man, I did not do anything wrong. If you had done what you should have to begin with you would not be looking for her now. And when you do find her, I suspect that you are not going to be happy with the results from that either way either. So, how is any of this supposed to be helping? I don't know. I just had enough for today.

Advice anyone?

I am having trouble with my kids fighting. I do not know what to do. It seems that I am always yelling at them and getting after them for arguing. They are at each other's throats every time I turn around. I don't want to spend my time with them yelling at them, but I can not stand to listen to them bickering and fighting literally every minute that they are together. I have tried several ways to deal with this, from just letting them figure it out (which mostly turns out to be physical between them and I have to intervene anyway), yelling at them, punishing them, giving them extra chores to do, taking privileges from them and nothing really seems to help with the situation. I really hope that this is just not how it is going to be until they are grown up. I don't think that we all would survive if that were the case. I am just out of ideas and a bit discouraged because of it. I want to enjoy my time with them. I want them to enjoy being with me, but with all the yelling, them at each other and then me at them, it's not the environment that I want for us. Anyone, any suggestions? I'm going crazy here quite literally.

Please...drive me crazy

OK, so about my crazy week!

Last weekend, on Friday, Myles decided to swallow a quarter. Yep, you read that right a quarter! He swallowed it. I went into how he IS almost 10 years old and how many times have I told him not to put things in his mouth since he was little, but he had of course, already swallowed the quarter. Well, on Saturday, Myles is throwing up most of the day, dinner that we had before he had swallowed the quarter, so I get nervous about it being stuck and take him to the emergency room. They took an x-ray, the quarter was in his stomach and they said to bring him back in 2 to 3 days for another x-ray to see where it is at. So, I keep asking him if he has pooped it out. Like three times, he tells me he thinks he did. Well, it was only one quarter and he does not know if he pooped it out, and he couldn't have pooped it out three times!!. I'm tired of asking him if he's pooped out the quarter by then.

Tuesday, their father calls me at work, says that Dustin is in the nurses office at school, he's itching, maybe from the chlorine at the pool since he has started swimming again. But he's in the nurses office itching and wants someone to come get him. He says he is going to leave work to go get him. In the mean time, the ER radiology calls me to say that it looked like the quarter was lodged and want Myles to come back for another x-ray. I call the ex, tell him, since he is going to go pick up Dustin from school. Could he take Myles for the x-ray?

He sends his wife to go get Dustin, cause God forbid that he actually have to do anything for his kid, like go pick him up from school. And he did not want me to go get him on his day. Well, anyway, they don't get Dustin the Aquaphor for his itching like I said to get him that used to be prescribed for him for dry skin, but give him an oatmeal bath instead. No one takes Myles for the x-ray like the radiology department says, because apparently their father has now got a PhD that I was unaware of and the x-ray people must be wrong! I'm stressed out because they are with him and he is not doing what I would be doing with the kids and of course I have no control over that because they are with him that day. I hate that I have no control over what goes on with them when they are with him.

But, OK, so last week, Dustin did not get the best teacher conference...he has anger issues and well...an attitude and a half with most everyone when you are telling him what to do. And then the school counselor called about the same issues as the teacher, so I make him an appointment with his counselor (that he has gotten to take a break for the summer providing that he has no "issues" but apparently he has issues or there would not have been a not so good conference and call from the counselor), and when I tell him over the phone that we are going there, he HANGS UP THE PHONE ON ME!!! Yep, you read that right too. Hung the phone up on me and would NOT get back on the phone when I called back mad as hell. I was so mad, I was seeing spots. I knew that he would not want to go there, but to be so utterly disrespectful to hang up on me. OMG!! I was livid!! I was actually glad that I had to drive about an hour before I actually got there to pick him up.

I am stressed out. I mean I am doing the best that I can. I have two jobs. I am going to school full time. I have three kids. I am involved with the kids. I care about what they do, like I am supposed to. I am working my ass off and getting no where fast. I'm just so sick of it. Sometimes, I really feel like I could just walk away. I don't want to be me. I don't like being me. I hate my life. I hate the fact that I hate my life. I want my kids to listen to me. I am tired of dealing with everything.

And yet...

I know that I can not just walk away. I do not want to. They are my kids. But damn, it just really sucks right now. Everything.
Until next time and thanks for reading this long post.
Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated...

Ranting Again...

My ex husband is an idiot! We have joint legal and physical custody of the kids. Tuesday he let Myles stay home from school sick. Now, Myles will try to pull that everyday if you let him and you have to just tell him that he is going to school, unless he's obviously too sick to go to school and you can usually tell when he is. So Myles stays home from school sick, does his father take him to the doctor? No! Myles goes back to school on Wednesday. Wednesday at 1:00pm, I get a call from the nurse that Dustin is in the office and he has a terrible headache, can I come to pick him up? She said that she had called his father about 11:30am over the same issues and he said that he was at work and there was no one to pick him up from school! Send Dustin back to class. He did not even call me to see if I could pick him up! I went to pick him up when she called me. Then on Thursday, Dustin stays home from school because of a headache at his Dad's house. Does he take him to the doctor? No!! Now two days in a row the kid has had headaches that have literally made him throw up and he can get sent home from school, but his Dad can not take him to the doctor! So, Friday after I pick them up from school, I take them to the doctor. Myles just has a virus, got some decongestant. Dustin's asthma is acting up. The doc said that the headaches were most likely sinus problems and pressure, prescribed Dustin four (4) prescriptions.
Well, the deal is that their Dad is supposed to pick up the prescriptions because the insurance makes you pay 100% at the pharmacy and then will reimburse you 100% a few weeks later. Well, I don't have that extra cash to pick them up, so he is supposed to do it. And do you know that he tells me I should go pick them up. It's crap that he has to do it! HELLO, he makes 10x the money that I make. And it's not like he took time off work to go pick the kid up from school and it's not like he took either of the kids to the doctor when they stayed home from school sick like he should have. It's not like he took them to the doctor at all, and he can't go get the prescriptions!! I was so pissed off. He's an idiot!

My rant...

Ok, this is going to be a rant. Sorry, but be warned.
So, the neighbor got this cat. Real pretty cat, I have nothing against cats, obviously because I have one! So they get this cat and the cat stays outside. Ok, fine, well, yesterday, we were eating dinner outside and here comes the cat. Well, me being the germophobe that I am, Luke, don't touch the cat. Luke don't feed the cat. Luke don't touch the cat. Luke get away from the cat..... You get the point. Well, I have a cat THAT I KEEP IN THE HOUSE!!! And cats can pass feline leukemia, fleas, etc, etc... Well, I don't want Smokey getting fleas, he doesn't even go outside. So, I don't want the cat around in the yard. And it came because we were eating outside. Buck shooed it away a few times and it went back across the fence and sat there watching us eat dinner.
So, tonight, I am making dinner. Salmon patties, fried potatoes and corn. Well, I am frying the potatoes and the salmon patties and I have the back door open with the screen, and the next thing I know, this damn cat is scratching at the screen to get in the house. Obviously, it smelled the salmon. This cat is sitting on the stairs, scratching like crazy, itching itself like mad, meowing while I am making dinner. Smokey notices and goes to the screen then they are hissing at each other. You have got to be kidding me! So, I get the squirt bottle, because this is what I do with Smokey when I want him to stop doing something or be quiet. I squirt the cat, it leaves. A few minutes later, it's right back, scratching at the screen, meowing! I squirt it again, it leaves. I literally turn around to flip the salmon patties and the cat is right back again. Now, I have squirted the heck out of this cat twice. This went on like another three times. Well, I am getting mad, I'm sure this cat does not have shots and it has fleas (it was scratching like crazy) and it's right by the open back screen.
I finally got pissed and I got a big bowl from the cabinet, filled it with water and threw it out the back door at this cat. The cat ran. This cat was soaking wet. Do you believe that, IT CAME BACK A FEW MINUTES LATER!! Seriously, I thought that cats were smarter than that! I threw the bowl of water out the back door another two... two times before the cat finally stayed off the stairs. And it was still at the bottom of the stairs meowing, licking itself, because it was soaking wet. And do you know that she had enough nerve to say that I should not have thrown water on the cat!! I did not argue with her. I told Buck he should talk to her husband. MAYBE SHE SHOULD KEEP HER DAMN CAT IN THE HOUSE if she does not want me to throw water on it for scratching up the screen and trying to get in my house! I swear if Smokey gets fleas from that cat there will be hell to pay!