Two posts in one, cause I'm lazy today

I have decided against being a surrogate. As much as I would love to help a couple, I just don't think emotionally that I could do it. I couldn't just hand over a baby or two that I had carried the whole time, even if they were not mine biologically. And after talking with the psych yesterday, she really did not think it was a good idea for me at this time either. I feel guilty in a way that I have let them down, but I would hate myself emotionally if I went through a whole pregnancy and had to hand over the baby. I truly wish them well and hope that they find someone that can make them parents, I just don't think that person is me. Still, I am sad.

And, on another depressing note, my Aunt Edith who just lost her husband in November is in the hospital on life support for the last week. Yesterday they tried taking her off and within 10 minutes she was blue. I think I have said my last words to her and it makes me very sad. She took care of me and my sister a lot when my Mom was working when I was younger and I'm not going to have a proper goodbye with her. She was so depressed after her husband died that she just laid in the bed. She has her own health issues and I think that just made them worse. I don't think she is going to come out of this and I hate that I can not be there. It is very upsetting to me and being how I am, this makes me think about my Ma Maw, how will she handle losing a child? Will something happen to her after that? I truly could not handle that. My Ma Maw, even if I have complained about her, I emotionally am not prepared for something to happen to her and I don't think I ever will be. I guess I need to go do something and get my mind off this before I drive myself crazy. I'm sad, very sad.

Humbled

Dustin and I volunteered at the soup kitchen today with some members from our church. I have to say it was an amazing experience. I was so humbled by how many people there were there and that these people are there everyday giving back to the community. I am definitely going to volunteer there again. Dustin learned some things too, it's just not cool to talk to his Mom. I am so happy that I went and am going to go again. There were many hungry people there, more than I could have ever imagined. And, I am sure that there are many that were not there tonight as well. I don't have much, but I am blessed. I have missed going to church and have let too many things get in the way. I am wanting very much to get back into the swing of things and make myself go, even when it is easier to just stay home. It's far to drive, I'm tired, the kids don't want to get up, I have assignments to do, I'm saving gas. But really, I just feel so much better when I go there. Everyone is so wonderful and make you feel so loved. I plan to get back into good habits. This is the best place to start.

Also, remembering Rachel today on her first anniversary in Heaven. We sure do miss you.

Back to the books

Well, as of today, my leave of absence I requested for school is over. My new class started today. Really, I was not ready to start back, but I suppose that if I stayed out any longer, then it would be just that much harder to start back again. I still do not feel focused on the readings and schedule, hopefully it will come to me soon.

My Ma Maw has been up here since before Easter, it has been wonderful to have her here and be able to spend time with her. My kids are enjoying being around Ma Maw too. I don't want her to go home. Luke was too funny, I left him with Ma Maw while I was at work for a couple hours and she had him handing her things and getting heavy things out of the fridge for her and he told her "Ma Maw, you're a lot of work!" She thought that was the funniest thing.

I took Luke for Kindergarten round up this past week. He was so excited to see the school he will be going to and to ride on the school bus. They did the testing for Kindergarten and when we left, I asked him if they asked him anything he did not know, he looked at me like I was crazy and said NO! He is so excited about it, but has asked me a couple times what will happen if he can not find the classroom. I have assured him that he will not get lost in the school and if he has a problem, any adult can help him. I am happy and sad that he will be starting school this fall. My last baby is going to school.

Luke's Godmother was in the hospital this past weekend. They are testing her heart and think that maybe she is not getting enough oxygen to the top part of her heart. I am praying that she will get the medical attention that she is needing and take care of herself. Please pray for her.

This past weekend, Myles was acting so bad, I do not know what his problem was, but he was seriously in trouble. He would not listen to a thing I told him to do, he was stalling about doing his chores, he was stalling about getting a bath, he was stalling about going to bed, he was arguing with Luke constantly and literally about everything. By the time he went to his Dad's house Sunday night, he was on my last nerve! But everyone survived. I just hope that he is acting better when I pick him up this week.

Sunday after church, we went to my parents house. Buck was helping them install a door and new floor in the kitchen. Mom ordered pizza for everyone for dinner. Buck says we are all too loud! I have no idea what he is talking about!

Dustin and I will be going to volunteer at a local soup kitchen this Thursday with other volunteers from our church. I am looking forward to going, but Dustin has stated that he does not want to go. I'm taking him anyway, because I feel it will be a good thing for him to do and witness that some people do not have the things that he has. I am just hoping that it will make him have a better understanding that it is hard to get through life sometimes. I hope it just teaches him something and it will be just me and him going. My Mom is going to be watching Luke and Myles while we go.

Until next time...