time for change

So this court case is still going on about my boys. It will be closed out in about a month and things will go back to normal, with my ex husband and I having joint custody and trading kids back and forth with me doing all the work once again. He still does not take responsibility for his actions and blames Dustin for everything. He lets Myles run around all over with no supervision and little regard for what he is doing. He does not make dinner when they are there, he barely cleans their clothes. He just gets to go back to life as usual and I am doing all the work. I am bitter. I am resentful. I am angry. I am feeling sorry for myself I guess. Dustin has decided that he in fact does not want to go back to joint custody with his father. He wants to stay with me, which is of course what I have wanted all along, my kids with me. But then I think what if he is just doing this until the next time he gets mad at me, then he wants to go back to Dad. I am more than ready for the court to get out of our life but the chances of something happening again with their Dad is certain to happen. What should I do??

9/11 Remembered

As the 10th Anniversary of September 11 approaches fast, I am taking a moment to reflect on where I was, what I was doing and my thoughts and feelings during that tragic time.
My Tuesday morning was as busy as usual, fed my kids breakfast, got them ready for the day and headed out the door to take Dustin to Kindergarten. On the way to school, I had turned on the radio and Mancow in the morning was on, I was only half listening to it, talking to Dustin about school. Mancow was a joker, so when he said that a plane had crashed into the building, my first reaction was that it was a joke he was doing. When he announced that another plane had hit the second tower, there was a seriousness in his voice that was just out of character for the popular radio show. I turned off the radio and dropped Dustin off at school. I drove home with Myles and turned on the news to see the towers in flames. Desperate people, jumping to their deaths below. Calls of people calling their loved ones from their cell phone. I stood there in my living room, and just felt such utter sadness. I wanted my family with me, and my husband was working out of town. How could my husband not be with me when this was such a terrible time. Families needed to be together during this time. I felt such grief for the families involved. The families that would never be the same. These families would never hold their loved ones close again. I was saddened. I was crying for the people jumping out of the burning buildings that they were never to be rescued from.
AND THEN THE FIRST TOWER COLLAPSED. My heart sunk right to my stomach. I couldn't believe what I had just saw with my own eyes. The building just crumbled right there on television in front of me. Shortly after that, the other tower also collapsed. There was another plane crashed into the Pentagon, and another plane taken down by heroes aboard the plane that had no idea that they were about to be heroes that dreadful day. How could this happen? It was so sad. So tragic. I just wanted to be with my family. And my husband was so far away. I hugged my kids tighter. I went to donate blood, surely they were going to need blood for the survivors.
I stayed glued to the television during the search for the survivors, a couple pulled from the rubble, the rest casualties. No great demand for blood donations. Nothing. It was such a terrible tragic horrific day. A day that I will never forget.

what to do

I'm so depressed. I don't know what to do. My boys have decided that they want to live with their abusive father because he just lets them do whatever they want. I'm living at home with my parents because I have spent so much money on attorneys trying to keep the boys out of that situation. I'm miserable at my parent's. I don't have the cash to move out at the moment. Dustin is smoking despite my repeated trying to talk to him about it and why he should not be smoking. Myles has a giant ship on his shoulder and does nothing but give me an attitude. Luke is picking up on their bad habits of talking back and he is getting into more and more trouble. I feel like everything is spinning out of control and I have no one to talk to about it. I want to just go to bed and never wake up. I know that sounds bad but that is totally how I have been feeling. Buck is lying to me again. I would love to just walk away from everyone and start new somewhere, but then I would need to have the cash to do that and I don't have it right now. I'm so sorry to vent here all the time and be so negative. It's depressing. I just wish something would go right for me for once in my life.
OK, off the pity pot. I'm going to bed, tomorrows another day. Luke starts 2nd grade tomorrow.

Just checking in

Luke made it back from Evansville, spoiled as usual. He is lucky to have such great Godparents. School starts here on August 17th. I am so glad the boys will be back in school. The summer seems to have went by fast. I have some unspoken prayer requests. I am going through a hard time emotionally and spiritually and really could use the prayers. Things just never seem to get better. I know that is not the optimistic way to view things, but really, when does it let up?
My boys have decided that even after all that is going on with CPS and what their Dad has done, they want to go back to spending half their time with him. It has me feeling let down and really taken advantage of, because it's like they have a total disregard for what I do for them and what I continue to do for them. I don't want to be going through this again, and their father just does not see anything wrong with what he does, he never has. Nothing is ever his fault. I don't want my kids growing up with this thinking, but I see it in them some already, no matter how hard I try to teach them otherwise.
We were temporarily staying with my parents, but that is carrying over to the school year, which I am not happy about, but my Dad got laid off work and with my Mom already laid off, they need the financial assistance too. So, things just are not going good, and there are other things going on beyond my control, that I just have to pray about and hope that things turn out for the best. That is just a hard thing to do sometimes.

Missing Luke

Luke has been visiting his Godparents in Southern Indiana for almost 2 weeks now and I am missing him tonight like crazy. He won't be home until this Saturday. Hopefully the week goes by fast and my boy will be home before I have time to miss him this week. That's what I'm hoping for anyway. I have other worries I'm facing too that just have me down and depressed. I just don't know why thing happen the way they do sometimes.

Testing the new settings

This post is to test the new settings and see if my invited people can still get to my blog?? Let me know if you get here.

Password

I'm about to go password protected. Please send me your email address for the invite. Thanks to all who read and uplift me during this difficult time and the more difficult things to come. I love you each and every one.