The road to happiness starts with me

OK, so the other day I did something I swore I would NEVER do! Ready?? I got a tattoo!! I still can't believe I got a tattoo! I like it. It's cute. It is a frog on the top of my foot. No one will even know when I have on socks and shoes, except I hardly wear socks and shoes! But I like it. And I did it for ME! It made ME happy.

So, thinking about that, I'm going to try this new me. New me, new attitude. Happy. I want to be happy again. I want to be me again. I quit my job where my boss was a complete ass! Just walked right out! It felt liberating, although now I have to find another job. I still have my second job, but I made more money at the one I quit! I'm just trying to make myself feel better. Force myself to make changes... force myself to feel better. I am not going to let some failed fake relationship bring me down. Buck was clearly not worth my time and I believe that I knew that long before his infidelity. I just wanted something that was not there.

NO MORE! I am going to force myself to be happy, if it kills me!

Getting back to regular programming

I have been undoubtedly depressed and angry. With some adjustment to my medications, I am feeling less angry and more depressed. I have been reading this book called "He's just not that into you." It seems to be insightful in a weird sort of way. It makes me realize some things that I should have not been putting up with for a long time with Buck. It also confirms that once a cheater, always a cheater. Which I did not even consider to be an option any longer. I absolutely could never be with him again. There is no trust and I have no respect left for him whatsoever. He calls trying to make me feel guilty about Luke. But, I am very adamant that he does not have the good qualities that need to be modeled for Luke. Buck is just trying to make himself feel better and at this point I have no consideration for his feelings. He certainly was not thinking about me or Luke while he was cheating. I am very hurt, but know that I have to get past this and I will. I don't know if I will ever fully trust someone again, but I know that currently, that is the last thing I am thinking about. I don't want another relationship. I don't want to open myself up to be hurt again. I just can't.

Maybe I just wasn't enough. Maybe I will never be enough.

Seriously??

I'm having a hard time with this break up thing. I had invested so much time and trust with Buck. And now I am emotionally a mess. He keeps calling, he thinks that I should still let him see my son. If I'm not mistaken, he was supposed to be a good example in Luke's life. "How to be a good man." It just seems so ironic that the very person telling Luke that was so much less than he portrayed himself to be. "We don't lie. We don't keep secrets." Interesting when that same man was lying and keeping secrets. Unfaithful. It is very upsetting to me that now he feels somehow I am supposed to take his feelings into consideration that he misses Luke and that I should just trust him to continue with the privilege of being in my son's life. I don't know what to do. I don't want Luke to be as disappointed as I am. And, it's not like Luke is begging me where his Dad is. He really has not asked much since it was not unusual that we would be away from Buck when we came home. This is just an extended stay at home in his eyes. I am very hurt and emotional and pissed off really.

Moving on

How am I supposed to get past this? I have so much anger, it is eating me inside. I am so angry. I am so beyond hurt. I don't know how you trust someone and love someone and share your life with them and then it's just gone. Buck cheated on me with the girlfriend he had before me. After six years together, he did this. After countless, I love yous and we are going to be together, just gone! I have so so much anger, I can barely stand it. I am disappointed, hurt, heartbroken and feel like I can never possibly trust someone again. I mean how could I trust someone again? I now that many many people have been in these shoes and worse, but it just feels like I am drowning in it. Our relationship was not perfect and I have stated on here before that I felt like we were on a slow decline, but to end like this! OMG! I am so angry. How do you do that to someone? How could he even stand there and look me and lie right to my face!? And what about Luke now? That was his Dad? Not biologically, but since he was 5 months old. That is not the example I want for my son to lie and cheat on people, but how do I just take that away from him? And how am I supposed to move on and heal with so much anger? I got the dog thinking that would help. I can't really say that it has. I feel just completely betrayed and so depressed. I don't know how to get past this. It hurts.....alot. It hurts more than I want people to know. I don't know how to be the same again. I don't think I could ever trust anyone again, I mean really trust someone. How do you get past this?

Rest in peace Uncle Dave

My Uncle Dave died today after a battle with pancreatic cancer. It was expected but I had hoped that my Aunt would have some more time with him. I don't know what she is going to do. Please lift them in prayer. This is so close to Gramma's death 3 weeks ago.
It just sucks.
So Friday we will travel to Kentucky for his funeral.

Gramma

Gramma died Wednesday October 14, 2009. Her daughters are unbelievable. They were fighting about her things before she even died and then were calling, texting, and leaving me messages ALL day until I turned my phone off that evening. I can't believe how they were totally unconcerned about her when she was alive and then immediately started bickering about her belongings. One of her daughters even got in her car and drove here all the way from Mississippi after she died because she has some old paperwork that said that she was the executor of Gramma's will. But her paperwork is old and she drove here to be executor of nothing because they have nothing! Unbelievable! It absolutely sickens me.