Why do I love you?

My life feels like a country song these days. There's a song out there I can not think of the name...about wanting someone when you just can not seem to make it work out. Loving them or wanting them even though you know you shouldn't. That is where I am at these days. There is someone that I love more than I have ever loved anyone, but we just can't seem to make things work out. We love each other, but we hate each other. We value each other's opinion, but we don't want to say one is right and one is wrong, even though we do not agree on most subjects. We continue to support each other and look out for each other but living together is out of the question. I trust him with my child but I would never trust him with my heart again. He hurt me so bad in the past I didn't think I would ever get over it. I have. But I still remember. We both have said awful things to each other in anger, and then are quick to apologize. It's confusing. And yet we are attracted to each other again and again. He's actually the only person that I think I have ever really loved, maybe the only person I will ever really love. I don't know.
Or another song runs through my mind...I hate everything about you...you hate everything about me...why do I love you?
Some things I just can not seem to figure out.
Maybe it's just better to not to try to figure it out.

Busy Busy

So we had a busy weekend this weekend. I took on some side jobs cleaning and worked most of the weekend, and it's back to work tomorrow. So I didn't really have the weekend off, but I need the money, so it is what it is. I have an extremely busy next couple weeks. Luke has to get a physical for the procedure on his teeth and I have to work everyday and we are taking all the kids to this park to get more photos taken of all the grandkids and out individual families. I can't wait to see how cute they come out. I have the usual therapy appointments and the boys have visitation with their Dad and they have been getting out of control having this spread out over 3 or 4 days in the week. So I am going to have to put my foot down about keeping the days to a minimum. I feel like the are just trying to run every aspect of my life right now and I am getting very frustrated with the whole process.

On another note, Buck and I have been on friendlier terms. I still have him at a distance because he has proven that he can not be trusted, but I do love him. I probably always will.

Billy Currington - Let Me Down Easy

I'm broken...

Why can't I just walk completely away?

Why do I continue to allow my self to hurt over him?

I will never be the same.

I will never trust the same again.

Why do I still love him? I shouldn't, but I do.

I feel completely foolish and defeated.

Does it ever end?

I have so much to write about and absolutely no energy to get it all out! I have been a mess. I went to the Dr. she changed my meds, but of course, it has to have prior authorization, which could take up to a week. I have issues with my kids, I am so done with Buck! I've wasted 7 years on him, WHY? I feel so tired all the time and can't seem to make myself do anything. I just can not seem to get out of this funk and I don't know what to do. Will try to update more soon. Oh, and I am now over 200lbs! Just great! I have NEVER been that heavy in my life, even after 3 kids.

I'm so glad I got a dog

I have got to do something. I feel so depressed.
The Psych just keeps changing my meds which is sending me in emotional circles. I feel like I am spiraling out of control sometimes. She just changes another medication or adds another or takes one off. This crazy cocktail. I don't even know if it's working, but she reassures me I should continue with the meds. Most of the time, I wonder.
Buck. Buck. Buck......
I am still letting him see Luke but it is killing me. It kills me that he's calling everyday to talk to Luke. I don't talk to Buck when he calls, but just knowing that he's on the phone...
These are all things that he said "Oh, I don't have time for this" He has picked Luke up for some weekends, and I'm happy that Luke has him, but knowing that he lied and cheated on me and my son thinks that he's just great, it makes me mad. Suddenly, he has time now to be with Luke that he never had before or wanted to have for before, and really I think that he does it more for his own benefit than for Luke. It's so he's not completely alone all the time, and Luke worships him. It makes me sad. It makes me cry. It makes me angry.
I can't move on. I can't go back. I don't see the future.
I have prayed and prayed about this and I just don't hear any answers.
Realistically, I know that Buck and I could never be together again. I could never trust him again. I know this. But, my heart, well it just does not listen.
OK, enough of my pity party. I have some chores to do before I go to bed.

Happiness?? Are you out there?

I have been emotionally all over the place lately. I feel in my head that I should start dating again. I mean, I'm not getting any younger. But in my heart, I just am not sure what I want. I don't believe that I have to be with someone to be happy, but is that what I want? If that makes any sense. One day I am feeling almost happy and optimistic. The next day I just want to stay in bed all day and not face the world. I don't want to be alone, but I am not sure that I want to be with someone either. And, then there is the fact that my older children especially are being very observant about what I am doing with this dating thing. Will they ever think that it is OK for me to have dinner with someone? I am worried about everything. I want to do what is right for the kids as well as myself. I just want to be happy and I want my kids to be happy. I want to...I don't know. I'm so confused. I don't think emotionally, I am ready for this dating thing. I wish I knew why God has chose the path he has for me. I know I am just supposed to have faith, but having faith is so hard sometimes.

I have been trying to be civil with Buck for Luke's sake. I have let Luke go there and spend time with Buck even though I can't stand the thought that my son will think that he is such a role model, when I know what a complete ass he is. I keep trying to stop thinking that I am so angry. But I really am so angry. And I really keep thinking that he has no right to be a part of my son's life. He does not deserve the privilege to be in Luke's life. And yet my son loves him so much. So what is the right thing to do? I am searching for answers. I have prayed about it, I have cried about it, I have screamed and fought about it. And still...I don't know.
I really feel that we should be breaking all ties with Buck and move on. But then, I am taking the only father my son has ever had away from him. Would it be because of my anger or because it is what is best for Luke? I just don't know. But I know that I can not keep going on this roller coaster. Mentally, it is killing me. It is making me crazy.
I do not believe in the road to happiness anymore. It is lost somewhere beyond my reach.

Sad

Starting over sucks.
It hardly seems worth it to put myself out there to be hurt again.
I don't think I will ever fully trust another man again. It hurts and it sucks that it still hurts so very much. I am trying to force myself to be positive. Force myself to be happy. Force myself to get out of bed everyday. I have to get out of bed to go to work, but on days that I am off, I lay around and barely do anything. I do the basics with the kids, feeding them, making them get showered, not kill each other, but other than that I would rather just stay in bed. I know that it's depression. I am trying so hard to deal with it. I don't want to feel like this.
I wish I never met him. I wish that I just walked away in the beginning. How could I not have seen what he really was? How could I have loved him so much and I was just an option for him. Why? Why? Why? And really no answers would ever be good enough. I just wish it were easier to move on and away from him.
I don't want to keep thinking about him. I hate that I still think about him.
I'm still angry.
I don't think there is happiness out there for me.
I am just concentrating on my kids and not going to worry about a man.

???

I must be out of my mind because I have a date tonight. I think it's too early, I think I'm still bitter, I think I'm still angry. But I'm going to go anyway. I have decided that the standards are going to be so high not any guy is going to measure up, but we shall see.

The road to happiness starts with me

OK, so the other day I did something I swore I would NEVER do! Ready?? I got a tattoo!! I still can't believe I got a tattoo! I like it. It's cute. It is a frog on the top of my foot. No one will even know when I have on socks and shoes, except I hardly wear socks and shoes! But I like it. And I did it for ME! It made ME happy.

So, thinking about that, I'm going to try this new me. New me, new attitude. Happy. I want to be happy again. I want to be me again. I quit my job where my boss was a complete ass! Just walked right out! It felt liberating, although now I have to find another job. I still have my second job, but I made more money at the one I quit! I'm just trying to make myself feel better. Force myself to make changes... force myself to feel better. I am not going to let some failed fake relationship bring me down. Buck was clearly not worth my time and I believe that I knew that long before his infidelity. I just wanted something that was not there.

NO MORE! I am going to force myself to be happy, if it kills me!

Getting back to regular programming

I have been undoubtedly depressed and angry. With some adjustment to my medications, I am feeling less angry and more depressed. I have been reading this book called "He's just not that into you." It seems to be insightful in a weird sort of way. It makes me realize some things that I should have not been putting up with for a long time with Buck. It also confirms that once a cheater, always a cheater. Which I did not even consider to be an option any longer. I absolutely could never be with him again. There is no trust and I have no respect left for him whatsoever. He calls trying to make me feel guilty about Luke. But, I am very adamant that he does not have the good qualities that need to be modeled for Luke. Buck is just trying to make himself feel better and at this point I have no consideration for his feelings. He certainly was not thinking about me or Luke while he was cheating. I am very hurt, but know that I have to get past this and I will. I don't know if I will ever fully trust someone again, but I know that currently, that is the last thing I am thinking about. I don't want another relationship. I don't want to open myself up to be hurt again. I just can't.

Maybe I just wasn't enough. Maybe I will never be enough.

Seriously??

I'm having a hard time with this break up thing. I had invested so much time and trust with Buck. And now I am emotionally a mess. He keeps calling, he thinks that I should still let him see my son. If I'm not mistaken, he was supposed to be a good example in Luke's life. "How to be a good man." It just seems so ironic that the very person telling Luke that was so much less than he portrayed himself to be. "We don't lie. We don't keep secrets." Interesting when that same man was lying and keeping secrets. Unfaithful. It is very upsetting to me that now he feels somehow I am supposed to take his feelings into consideration that he misses Luke and that I should just trust him to continue with the privilege of being in my son's life. I don't know what to do. I don't want Luke to be as disappointed as I am. And, it's not like Luke is begging me where his Dad is. He really has not asked much since it was not unusual that we would be away from Buck when we came home. This is just an extended stay at home in his eyes. I am very hurt and emotional and pissed off really.

Moving on

How am I supposed to get past this? I have so much anger, it is eating me inside. I am so angry. I am so beyond hurt. I don't know how you trust someone and love someone and share your life with them and then it's just gone. Buck cheated on me with the girlfriend he had before me. After six years together, he did this. After countless, I love yous and we are going to be together, just gone! I have so so much anger, I can barely stand it. I am disappointed, hurt, heartbroken and feel like I can never possibly trust someone again. I mean how could I trust someone again? I now that many many people have been in these shoes and worse, but it just feels like I am drowning in it. Our relationship was not perfect and I have stated on here before that I felt like we were on a slow decline, but to end like this! OMG! I am so angry. How do you do that to someone? How could he even stand there and look me and lie right to my face!? And what about Luke now? That was his Dad? Not biologically, but since he was 5 months old. That is not the example I want for my son to lie and cheat on people, but how do I just take that away from him? And how am I supposed to move on and heal with so much anger? I got the dog thinking that would help. I can't really say that it has. I feel just completely betrayed and so depressed. I don't know how to get past this. It hurts.....alot. It hurts more than I want people to know. I don't know how to be the same again. I don't think I could ever trust anyone again, I mean really trust someone. How do you get past this?

I broke off my relationship with Buck last week. We had been having issues. And then he betrayed me and that was the last shove off the edge for me. I did tell him that he can see Luke whenever he wants, but he's hurt me beyond any love I have/had for him. It's crazy that there is such a fine line between love and hate.
So, I have been raging mad since last week to the point that I think I am going crazy. I'm so glad that I already had an appointment with my new psychiatrist this Wednesday. Because I really think that I am losing my mind. So, yesterday, I went and got a puppy! I guess a puppy will fix anything, right? Maybe I should have just got a dog six years ago instead of Buck? I can't and don't want to get into all the details, but I am so hurt and depressed. I've been here before and it's not pretty.


Here's a photo of Bella...our new puppy in all her cuteness.


She is a Great Dane!!

I just don't have time for the nervous breakdown I deserve, so please, don't ask me to stop and think!

09-09-09

Have not posted much here lately. Nothing very positive to write so I'm just gonna give you all an update. Gramma was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer. She was sent home with no treatment plan. She had a prescription list that had I filled all the medication would have cost $1100.00 at Walgreens today! I did not fill them all, obviously! She only has about $1000 life insurance policy so I am so so worried about how to have a funeral for her with no money? She has no money, her kids have no money, and $1000 won't go far at all.
My MaMaw went home and has been doing good on her own down there. She was telling me that she is having a lot of pain in her heal so she may have moved the screw from standing on it too much. But, we will not know about that until she comes back up to see the orthopedic doctor later this month.
My brother is a proud new homeowner and we're expecting the arrival of his baby in February. I hope it's another boy. There is a whole other post right there, but I'll save that for another time.
Oh, and I told Buck that this is not working for me and that I don't think that we should be pretending anymore that it is going to. So, in my head, we are not together. But apparently in his head, things are ok. He is calling like every day like everything is normal. I love you hunny and all. I know that he completely knew what I was saying when I wassaying it. But, anyway, I brought home a bunch of stuff from his house today while he was at work and will be working on getting more stuff back here over the next week.
So, right now, I am just tring to keep my head above water and deal with things as they are coming my way.
"I can do all things through He who strengthens me..." (I don't know the exact verse, but love the quote)

Depression Sucks

I'm so depressed. I just can not seem to bring myself out of it. I do have an appointment with Dr. Shrink on the 14th. I sure hope that she can help me do something. Maybe my meds need adjustment. I don't know, but I can not seem to get anything done and I am really far behind in my class again. This is the third time I am taking this same class and I am behind AGAIN! This is going on week 4 of a 5 week class and I am so far behind that I do not know if I will be able to catch up and actually pass the class. I have never been like this since starting my accounting classes.
My relationship with Buck is on a slow decline. I'm sure that is where we are headed. And I wish I could say that it bothers me, but...
We are just too different in our thinking and what it is that we actually want from each other. And I'm just too tired of trying to please everyone else. I want to do things for me. Maybe that is selfish, but that is how I am feeling. I wish I could say that a relationship seems worth it, but I really can't see that it is.
Maybe it's the depression talking. Maybe not.
My baby starts school in about a week. I thought I was going to be so happy about it. Now not so much. I mean after all, he is the baby. This is the last child I have that will be starting school for the first time. I'm happy to see the little man that he is becoming but sad to see my baby growing up. I remain upbeat and happy about it for him when we are talking about it, but inside I am screaming, it's too soon...not yet...just one more year
I know he will be fine and he will thrive.
Sorry for all the negativity lately. I'm just trying to work through this mess of my life right now.
Until next time...

On and On and On

So, My class started again last week. I am already struggling with the reading and assignments like I did last time. Emotionally, I have just felt drained and depressed. I do not feel that Buck and I are going to be together much longer. Luke will be starting school soon and we will not be spending as much time there and I honestly do not feel Buck is going to make the effort to come out here. So we are drifting apart. And really, I have known that this was going to come. It's no surprise to me at all, disappointing, but no surprise. It is what it is.
My Ma Maw will be spending the weekend with me next weekend. I really think that my sister is needing a break and I am more than happy to help with her care. I just don't know how I am going to get very much else done with her here. I started my classes again this past Tuesday and I am still struggling with keeping up with the reading and the assignments. I have to complete this class this time. I HAVE TO. This is the third time I am taking it, and it is going to affect my financial aide if I do not take it now.
I go for the second night of my sleep study this Tuesday and have the follow-up appointment with the Endocrinologist this Thursday. Hopefully they will have some answers for me.
Oh, and my brother sprung the news yesterday that his girlfriend is pregnant. So if Phil is happy about this then the rest of the family must be happy for him as well. And who does not love babies that you can send home? But, I sense that she may have felt turbulance in that relationship and after over 3 years, well her birth conrtol pills stopped working? I really think he should have had so say in the timing of that, but again, if my brother is happy, then I am happy for him. I hope we keep the boy streak going. So far out of 7 Grandkids, we only have one girl. We need another boy.
Until next time....