I suck as a blogger. LOL

I guess I will never be a regular blogger, but that's OK. 
I was reading some of my journals last week going back 15 years, I'm proud to say that I have came so far. I honestly don't know how my children and I made it through all that we have been through. But we have came out the other side, stronger and closer together, and for that I am eternally thankful.
Dustin graduated High School in June. I look at him and my heart could just burst, I am so happy and proud of the wonderful young man that he has become. 
Myles will be starting school this year as a Junior, and my baby, Luke will be starting middle school as a 6th grader. This is the first year that I will not have a child in elementary school. It's a happy and sad time for me as a mother. I look forward to watching them grow into fine young men. 
I can report that I am happy and content in my relationship with Buck. In April we will celebrate 12 years together. We have been through so much together and I look forward to spending many more happy years with him. I believe I have found the one my soul has always longed for. We will be working toward moving south when my children all graduate and he retires. 
Until next time...whenever that will be! 

Where have I been?

     It's been such a long time since I have came to this place. So much has happened. I am happier. I feel like a stronger person. My children are growing up so fast. Dustin has graduated. I can't believe my baby has graduated. The school does not have mid-term graduation so he will walk with his class in June for Graduation, but he has met all the requirements for his diploma and no longer needs to attend class. He is looking for a full time job. He has a girlfriend who has helped him in so many ways. I have literally saw him grow up before my eyes. He is a responsible young man with a good head on his shoulders. I'm so proud of him. Dustin comes to me to talk about important things he is going through, this is something I could never before imagined happening. He has matured and I have also learned different ways to communicate with him. He hated me and everything for so long that this is such an answered prayer for me. CI only dreamed of having this kind of a relationship with him. 
     Myles is a Sophomore this year.  Again, where has the time gone? He turns sixteen in a couple days. My baby Myles is going to be sixteen. He is doing better in school but it is still a struggle to make him get up in the morning and go to school. He tests the limits I have set for him every chance he gets. I have to be all over him about his grades, and he is doing well. He is still getting used to having rules and guidance that he did not get living with his father. 
     Luke is in 5th grade this year. Wow. He turned 11 in October. My Lukey Bear is growing up so very fast. I sometimes wish I could stop time to slow down this growing up thing. His ADHD poses issues with homework and attitude that sometimes is overwhelming and I have a hard time dealing with it sometimes. It is a learning process for everyone. I wonder what he thinks sometimes. I wonder if my frustrations with him will forever change him? I am not the most patient person and sometimes it feels like I am exasperated a lot with him. I don't mean to be, I try to remember that he is just 11, and that the ADHD is difficult for him too, I try to also remember that he is my baby and that it won't always be this way. I try to hang on to this time I have with him because very soon his friends are going to become more important than Mom and Dad. He's not going to want to spend the weekends with his parents, he's going to want to be with his friends. It's a natural part of him growing up. I worry constantly that his ADHD will contribute to poor impulse choices. I worry that I am doing everything wrong. Don't all parents worry they are doing it all wrong?
     I am in such a great place with Buck. We love each other more than either of us could have realized. When I think of my future, I can not see the future without him in it. I worry about him so much. He's getting older and works so hard. He hasn't had a real check up with the doctor, EVER. He goes for the yearly DOT physical, but that does not include blood work, a prostate exam, things that a man of 54 should be having checked out. I worry that something will happen to him. I love him so much, I can't imagine my life without him in it. He is my one and only. Like we were meant for each other. I know it sounds corny, but that is what is in my heart. 
     Sorry I'm such a terrible blogger. It has been almost a year since my last post. I always say I'll try to be better about it, but then I always feel that there is nothing exciting in my life that anyone would want to read about. Maybe I need a blog project, a challenge, something. I'll think about it and maybe in the New Year I can start something.  Right now, I have too many projects started at home that I need to finish first. I am crocheting a bunch of granny squares for an afghan, when I go to Mamaw's in March she is going to show me how to sew them all together. I am sewing cloth pads for my stash and hopefully setting up an Etsy store to sell some if I get good at it. And then there is all the Christmas baking, decorating, cooking and then all the clean up from that. 
     So my blog project will have to wait a little bit. 
     I hope everyone is doing well and that Christmas is a happy time filled with family and love.

To be determined...

I've had so much on my mind lately, I really haven't felt myself. My medication has been changed several time trying to get things in balance, but I'm struggling with it. I have had constant fear and panic since the boys were in their accident. I'm so overwhelmingly paranoid that something is going to happen to them when they are not with me. I am constantly worrying about them even more so than before the accident and I'm driving myself crazy with it.
This week I have a court hearing with their father because I filed for full custody, rather than the joint custody that we have currently and I'm so worried about it, it is making me a basket of nerves. I'm hoping and praying that things go well in court, and that I will get the full custody but he has an attorney and I do not and you just never know how those things will go. I really hope with all the evidence and testimony that I have that the judge will finally see how things really are, but I'm going to be going crazy about it until Tuesday. Please say a prayer for me that things will be okay. Right now, I'm just trying to stay calm and totally failing at it.
Dustin celebrated his 17th birthday yesterday, I can not even believe that he's that old. I look at him and still see my little baby. I don't know why they grow up so fast. I'm so proud and lucky to be his Mom.
Until next time...

don't ever scare me like that again!

     On October 27, 2012, Dustin and Myles were in a horrible ATV accident. Dustin was driving 60mph through a corn field with Myles on the back, they crashed right into a ditch. Myles was catapulted off the back and landed right on his face. He had seizure activity and was air lifted from the scene. Dustin was transported by ambulance to a local hospital and then transported to the same trauma hospital that Myles was air lifted to.
     So 2 of my 3 children were in this awful accident. Myles broke his jaw on both sides, his orbital floor on both sides, and his left cheek bone. He had surgery on October 29, to wire his jaw shut to allow it to heal. Even though he broke his face, he had no head trauma!, and no internal injuries. Dustin had internal bruising of his liver, pancreas, kidney and lung. They had angels watching over them I am convinced.
     I plan to put them in bubbles now, because I seriously might die if they scare me like that again! I am so very thankful that they are gonna be OK. Myles has the inconvenience of eating his food through a straw for 6 weeks, but he's gonna be just fine. No scars, no lost teeth, no head injury, no visible damage. God is so good. We are so blessed.
    

I did it!

I put a deposit down on a cute little farm house in Booneville, KY! I will be moving there in a couple of months! I'm so excited to have a fresh start somewhere else. I can have chickens and goats. My pets are allowed. I can't wait to get there. I have reservations because I will be leaving behind my two older boys since neither of them want to move there with me. Dustin will be 18 in a little over a year and Myles has been spending most of his time with his father. So that just leaves me and Luke. I also feel bad about moving Luke away from his Dad, because his Dad is an active part of his life and he will miss him terrible. But there is Skype and he can talk to him everyday still.

In other news, my newest nephew was born yesterday. 7 weeks early. He is oxygen and a feeding tube, but otherwise doing well for being a little guy. 5 pounds 1 ounce, 18.5 inches. Cute as he can be. We are all in baby love.

Making Changes

Changes are hard. There is just something about stepping outside your comfort zone and changing the way you do things. I have never been one to really embrace change and it has not been my friend in the past. But lately I have been thinking more and more about change and I am learning to embrace it. I want change. I'm hoping that it leads to a happier, healthier, and more fulfilling life for me and my children.

I anticipate moving to Kentucky by the end of the year. Honestly...I can not get there fast enough. I am excited to start fresh someplace new. I want to have chickens, a garden, goats, and cats! Now finding the right place where I can have all these things, well that's gonna be a chore. I'm hoping that God just leads me in the right direction. I want to can my own jam and veggies.

I want to live simpler and happier. I want to be more self sustaining, less dependant on market. I have made small adjustments in some things that I'm doing. I realize that this is a slow process, but I'm working on it. And I'm enjoying the changes that I am making to live a more simple, frugal life. I have started making my own laundry soap, which by the way is dirt cheap compared to the name brand stuff I was buying, and this stuff works every bit as good. I was so stuck on the name brand, but after I got over that, I really do prefer the homemade stuff. I am using homemade goats milk bar soap instead of commercial body wash (with all the chemicals), I have been using a homemade shampoo bar followed by an apple cider vinegar rinse for my hair. And surprisingly, I like it. Without all the chemicals.

I have been buying organic produce and fresh farm meats. Also, I have been buying fresh farm milk, cheese, butter and eggs. I can not tell you the difference in taste and I feel better using it. I didn't even think that I liked milk until I started buying this milk. It is delicious. It keeps longer than store bought, it tastes better, and I know where it comes from. It may not be lifestyle choices for everyone, but I am liking the choices I am making for my family and myself.

Are there things that you do to feel you are making a difference??
Tell me. I want to learn more.

Good news

I got my hearing date for SSI in the mail today. I am excited and nervous about it. I'm praying that this will finally be approved and I can get on with the next chapter in my life. Please pray for me and my family. If this goes through, we will be moving and there will be lots of changes happening for us all.

16 candles on his ice cream

My boy turned 16 today! I can hardly believe that. It seems like just yesterday he was born. The time goes by so fast. It truly does. I never believed that saying until I had my own children. But, it's a fact of life...they grow up. He is anxiously awaiting the coveted drivers license and tinkering with his truck so much that I will be surprised if the thing even runs by August when he will be getting his license. He hasn't figured out the saying if it ain't broke don't fix it! I usually bake a cake for my kids on their actual birth day, but since Dustin doesn't like cake, I asked him if he wanted me to make him brownies or go to Dairy Queen. He chose DQ, so we went there after school, got ice cream and hot dogs. We ate the ice cream before supper. I will have a birthday party for him next weekend.
Happy Birthday Dustin, you'll always be my first baby no matter how old you get.

Hoping for a better week...

So about 2 weeks ago on January 23rd, I went to the ER for pain in my side and ended up having an emergency surgery to remove my appendix. Until that point, I had never had a surgery before, so I had no idea how painful it is. Three tiny holes, hurt so much! It's crazy. I think they rearranged all my innards. It was quite inconvenient, as most emergency surgeries are I suppose. My Mom had to leave to go out of town for work that day, my youngest sister was working and taking care of her own kid, my other sister runs a daycare out of her home...my kids had to get back and forth to school. (And through it all my sisters were there doing everything for me, even visiting me in the hospital. :)) I know it's a lot of complaining. I'm so sorry, that seems to be my nature lately and I HAVE GOT TO  change that way of thinking. I'm working on it, I promise. Went in on a Monday and went home on Thursday. So, a week later, I go back to the ER to be diagnosed with pneumonia, a common side effect from surgery, wow that hurt too. And I keep thinking of my friend who has just had multiple surgeries. Love to you. I'm hoping to go back to work next week. I still feel tired and not myself but I have to get back to work. I really can't afford to be off work.
So the interesting part is that I went for my follow up visit with the surgeon this past Friday and he said that my appendix was very unusual because it was infected on the outside and the indie was still healthy which he said is very unusual and that it is very possible that there is something else wrong and that the appendix was covering it up or that the appendix became infected from another neighboring organ. I had been putting off an appointment with the OB/GYN, but I have an appointment scheduled with her this week and he also suggested I make an appointment with my general Dr. to see if there is any other tests he'd like to do. I think I'm going to be going to quite a few more doctor visits in the near future.
How are all of you??

I'm Unrestricted!! YAY

The case is closed. We resume regular schedules that we had before this nightmare started. I'm sure there will be many new issues, since Dustin is now staying with me exclusively, and Myles will be going back and forth with the schedule that we had before. I'm sure there will be issues. But thank GOD we don't have to deal with these people in our lives anymore. I'm so glad.
CASE CLOSED!

In light of that, I have lifted the restricted reader setting from my blog. Welcome back, if I still have any followers out there.

9/11 Remembered

As the 10th Anniversary of September 11 approaches fast, I am taking a moment to reflect on where I was, what I was doing and my thoughts and feelings during that tragic time.
My Tuesday morning was as busy as usual, fed my kids breakfast, got them ready for the day and headed out the door to take Dustin to Kindergarten. On the way to school, I had turned on the radio and Mancow in the morning was on, I was only half listening to it, talking to Dustin about school. Mancow was a joker, so when he said that a plane had crashed into the building, my first reaction was that it was a joke he was doing. When he announced that another plane had hit the second tower, there was a seriousness in his voice that was just out of character for the popular radio show. I turned off the radio and dropped Dustin off at school. I drove home with Myles and turned on the news to see the towers in flames. Desperate people, jumping to their deaths below. Calls of people calling their loved ones from their cell phone. I stood there in my living room, and just felt such utter sadness. I wanted my family with me, and my husband was working out of town. How could my husband not be with me when this was such a terrible time. Families needed to be together during this time. I felt such grief for the families involved. The families that would never be the same. These families would never hold their loved ones close again. I was saddened. I was crying for the people jumping out of the burning buildings that they were never to be rescued from.
AND THEN THE FIRST TOWER COLLAPSED. My heart sunk right to my stomach. I couldn't believe what I had just saw with my own eyes. The building just crumbled right there on television in front of me. Shortly after that, the other tower also collapsed. There was another plane crashed into the Pentagon, and another plane taken down by heroes aboard the plane that had no idea that they were about to be heroes that dreadful day. How could this happen? It was so sad. So tragic. I just wanted to be with my family. And my husband was so far away. I hugged my kids tighter. I went to donate blood, surely they were going to need blood for the survivors.
I stayed glued to the television during the search for the survivors, a couple pulled from the rubble, the rest casualties. No great demand for blood donations. Nothing. It was such a terrible tragic horrific day. A day that I will never forget.

Password

I'm about to go password protected. Please send me your email address for the invite. Thanks to all who read and uplift me during this difficult time and the more difficult things to come. I love you each and every one.

This and that

I am feeling hopeful today. Hopeful about decisions I have made. Thankful for my family and friends that have always been there even when I was not a willing participant. Thankful for new friends and "sisters" to help me with my walk that God has planned for me. I guess for today at least I am feeling a little happy.

Strange, since I should be worried about bills. Always bills. Never ending bills. My house is a mess. My 14 year old has a girlfriend that I think is getting too friendly.

Mom & Dad renewing their vows

And since I never mentioned since it was a "surprise," we (my sisters, brother and I) had a surprise 25th anniversary party for my parents last weekend. It was so nice. My parents were somewhat surprised, you know our family can't keep a total secret, but they were surprised to see some people that they have not for a long time. My Mom's brothers and their families came from out of town. It was bittersweet since my Aunt was not there and toward the end of the evening, we too the balloon arch that my parent's renewed their vows under and released it in remembrance of those that were not with us that evening. It was bittersweet to say the least. We all felt her presence and her absence.

Sending Balloons to Heaven

But for today, I am hopeful.

Seeking advice

I am considering being a gestational surrogate. I was contacted by the couple and am asking for advice, opinions, suggestions, anything. I am trying to go the way God is leading me, but I'm still unsure. Would I get too attached to the baby before it got here and then we just have no contact? I'm just unsure. I know this would be an incredible gift to them but is it something I should do? I have met with them, they like me, I like them, I think they would be great parents and they have extended family. So, please, any suggestions, comments, advice, I need something.
Thanks, until next time....

Congrats Amanda and Bobby

My cousin Amanda got married this weekend. Well, she was already married so I guess this was for the family. I had a wonderful time with my family despite Dustin's attitude problem during dinner. The next morning I felt like hell and remembered why I'm not supposed to drink like that anymore. My knees are still so sore it hurts to move my legs. I suppose that is from all the dancing although they were not hurting last weekend after the anniversary party we went to.

I went to the doctor this past week, he put me on some blood pressure pills and referred me to a cardiologist which I can not get in to see for a month.

I guess enough boring updates!

Until next time....

I leave you with a couple photos from the wedding.

My parents with all their children.

Me with my "baby" brother and Luke.

I can never think of an interesting title

I have been very busy. This is the third week of five for my class. I am so not motivated for this. I have been slacking just like the last time I took this class. I don't know what my problem is with this class.
My MaMaw is doing well. She has a check up with the doctor tomorrow. He is most likely going to remove her stitches and replace the cast. She stayed with me last weekend to give my sister a break. OMG! She's a lot of work, but so worth it. I enjoy having her here with us.
On another note, my brother's girlfriend is pregnant. Found this out a couple weeks ago. It is still undecided how everyone feels about this since this girl has never really tried to speak to any of us and expects my brother to wait on her hand and foot. I'm sure since she is pregnant that she is going to be handicapped! That irritates me to no end. When I was pregnant with all my kids, I never expected anyone to wait on me. With the last one, I was back at work cleaning apartments two days after he was born and I had worked right up until the day before I had him. When I was pregnant with Myles, I was on the roof hanging Christmas lights. And with Dustin, we had bought the house and I moved, painted, ripped out carpet by myself while the ex was at work. Anyway...if my brother is happy, then I am happy. I am sure that she got pregnant on purpose, but the only thing that matters now to me is that my brother is happy and we are going to have another baby in our family. I know my brother is going to be a good father. He is so good with all his nephews and niece.
Nothing much else to say here. I am waiting for the weekend so I can relax at home in my Pj's.
Until next time....

On and On and On

So, My class started again last week. I am already struggling with the reading and assignments like I did last time. Emotionally, I have just felt drained and depressed. I do not feel that Buck and I are going to be together much longer. Luke will be starting school soon and we will not be spending as much time there and I honestly do not feel Buck is going to make the effort to come out here. So we are drifting apart. And really, I have known that this was going to come. It's no surprise to me at all, disappointing, but no surprise. It is what it is.
My Ma Maw will be spending the weekend with me next weekend. I really think that my sister is needing a break and I am more than happy to help with her care. I just don't know how I am going to get very much else done with her here. I started my classes again this past Tuesday and I am still struggling with keeping up with the reading and the assignments. I have to complete this class this time. I HAVE TO. This is the third time I am taking it, and it is going to affect my financial aide if I do not take it now.
I go for the second night of my sleep study this Tuesday and have the follow-up appointment with the Endocrinologist this Thursday. Hopefully they will have some answers for me.
Oh, and my brother sprung the news yesterday that his girlfriend is pregnant. So if Phil is happy about this then the rest of the family must be happy for him as well. And who does not love babies that you can send home? But, I sense that she may have felt turbulance in that relationship and after over 3 years, well her birth conrtol pills stopped working? I really think he should have had so say in the timing of that, but again, if my brother is happy, then I am happy for him. I hope we keep the boy streak going. So far out of 7 Grandkids, we only have one girl. We need another boy.
Until next time....

Intermission

A few updates
I have been very discontent lately. I'm not sure why. I just feel unhappy and depressed. I am trying to pull myself out of it, but I am finding it increasingly difficult. I'm sure that my meds need adjusting, but I have been unable to actually go see the psychiatrist since the insurance change left me with her not on the provider list and others had a wait. Now last week I call again and am told that she is on the provider list but she is going on vacation and will not be in until the end of the month. So, I have medication to last me. I just think that maybe we need to change the meds.
I am going for a sleep study at the end of this month. I am hoping to find answers for my excessive and very loud snoring that Buck keeps complaining about. He actually gets up to sleep on the couch or just goes to the couch to sleep instead of going to bed with me, which has also been bothering me. I know that he needs to sleep too. I know that he is a light sleeper. But still it bothers me that we are just falling into these routines that are in my opinion very unhealthy for our already complicated relationship. And, when he does sleep with me and he has been woke up by my snoring, he gets angry and shitty with me like I am snoring just to keep him awake or something. It's ridiculous.
I also have a follow up appointment with the Endocrinologist at the end of this month. I will find out the results from the extensive blood tests that they did. And hopefully they will have some answers for me and get me feeling better.
My Ma Maw's surgery is finally scheduled for this coming up Wednesday. I am worried for her but know that this surgery will improve her walking and hopefully relieve her of some pain that she has had from her foot being so distorted and walking on the inside of her ankle. Time will tell. She will remain up here at my sister's house to recover since she will not be able to put any weight on that foot for 6 to 8 weeks.
I start back with my classes for my Bachelor's degree on July 21st and I totally am not ready to do that, but I can not take off any more time without it affecting my financial aide. So, I must start again. I don't know how I am going to be able to concentrate on that with so many things going on and my mind is just not in the right place to start with new classes. I hope that I can get into gear with that. I need to. I have to.
I have been quiet lately, well at least where blogging is concerned. I have been feeling so negative about almost everything, and I just don't want to spread that negativity around. It's already all around me. Feels like it is swallowing me up. I feel like I am drowning in it.

Pathetic politicians

Seriously, I can not believe how people are going on and on about Michael Jackson's death. The same people who are 'mourning' his death today were throwing stones that he was a child molester a couple years ago. And, the mayor of Gary, Oh.My.God! Actually trying to persuade the Jackson family to have the funeral in Gary! What in the world is he thinking? I don't believe that Michael Jackson made all that many visits to Gary after he moved so many years ago. It is just embarrassing, and I do not even live in Gary. Where would they put all the people that may come for a funeral for Michael Jackson? How does the mayor think that he could pay for security for something like that, but the fire and police departments are understaffed. I work in Gary and seriously, it is not a place for a funeral of that magnitude. Any way to capitalize on someone else's tragedy. I hate that people are like that. And it happens all the time. Just pathetic!

Wow

Michael Jackson and Farrah Faucet have both died today.
Wow.
An era has ended.