Friday, September 30, 2011

An awakening

I have came to such an amazing discovery. I no longer feel love for Buck. Thank the lord above! I thought I still loved him and was so depressed because I could never in life trust him again. BUT, really, I don't love him. I loved who I thought he was, but he's not that person at all. He showed me that, but still I wanted him to be that person that I thought I loved, but he just is not. Something just clicked. And I feel so free. It feels amazing. I feel such relief. Such a turn around. I'm optimistic as to this new found happiness. I hope it lasts. Because right now, I feel wonderful for the first time in longer than I can remember.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

time for change

So this court case is still going on about my boys. It will be closed out in about a month and things will go back to normal, with my ex husband and I having joint custody and trading kids back and forth with me doing all the work once again. He still does not take responsibility for his actions and blames Dustin for everything. He lets Myles run around all over with no supervision and little regard for what he is doing. He does not make dinner when they are there, he barely cleans their clothes. He just gets to go back to life as usual and I am doing all the work. I am bitter. I am resentful. I am angry. I am feeling sorry for myself I guess. Dustin has decided that he in fact does not want to go back to joint custody with his father. He wants to stay with me, which is of course what I have wanted all along, my kids with me. But then I think what if he is just doing this until the next time he gets mad at me, then he wants to go back to Dad. I am more than ready for the court to get out of our life but the chances of something happening again with their Dad is certain to happen. What should I do??

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

9/11 Remembered

As the 10th Anniversary of September 11 approaches fast, I am taking a moment to reflect on where I was, what I was doing and my thoughts and feelings during that tragic time.
My Tuesday morning was as busy as usual, fed my kids breakfast, got them ready for the day and headed out the door to take Dustin to Kindergarten. On the way to school, I had turned on the radio and Mancow in the morning was on, I was only half listening to it, talking to Dustin about school. Mancow was a joker, so when he said that a plane had crashed into the building, my first reaction was that it was a joke he was doing. When he announced that another plane had hit the second tower, there was a seriousness in his voice that was just out of character for the popular radio show. I turned off the radio and dropped Dustin off at school. I drove home with Myles and turned on the news to see the towers in flames. Desperate people, jumping to their deaths below. Calls of people calling their loved ones from their cell phone. I stood there in my living room, and just felt such utter sadness. I wanted my family with me, and my husband was working out of town. How could my husband not be with me when this was such a terrible time. Families needed to be together during this time. I felt such grief for the families involved. The families that would never be the same. These families would never hold their loved ones close again. I was saddened. I was crying for the people jumping out of the burning buildings that they were never to be rescued from.
AND THEN THE FIRST TOWER COLLAPSED. My heart sunk right to my stomach. I couldn't believe what I had just saw with my own eyes. The building just crumbled right there on television in front of me. Shortly after that, the other tower also collapsed. There was another plane crashed into the Pentagon, and another plane taken down by heroes aboard the plane that had no idea that they were about to be heroes that dreadful day. How could this happen? It was so sad. So tragic. I just wanted to be with my family. And my husband was so far away. I hugged my kids tighter. I went to donate blood, surely they were going to need blood for the survivors.
I stayed glued to the television during the search for the survivors, a couple pulled from the rubble, the rest casualties. No great demand for blood donations. Nothing. It was such a terrible tragic horrific day. A day that I will never forget.