I suck as a blogger. LOL

I guess I will never be a regular blogger, but that's OK. 
I was reading some of my journals last week going back 15 years, I'm proud to say that I have came so far. I honestly don't know how my children and I made it through all that we have been through. But we have came out the other side, stronger and closer together, and for that I am eternally thankful.
Dustin graduated High School in June. I look at him and my heart could just burst, I am so happy and proud of the wonderful young man that he has become. 
Myles will be starting school this year as a Junior, and my baby, Luke will be starting middle school as a 6th grader. This is the first year that I will not have a child in elementary school. It's a happy and sad time for me as a mother. I look forward to watching them grow into fine young men. 
I can report that I am happy and content in my relationship with Buck. In April we will celebrate 12 years together. We have been through so much together and I look forward to spending many more happy years with him. I believe I have found the one my soul has always longed for. We will be working toward moving south when my children all graduate and he retires. 
Until next time...whenever that will be! 

Many Blessings

     I have so many blessings to be thankful for I simply can not list them all.
At last...I have all three of my boys under the same roof full time. It is wonderful and chaotic, but it makes my heart full even with the struggles and adjustments. My heart and home are full. I could not ask for more.
     Merriest Christmas to all my dear friends and family near and far. My most sincere wish for you all is peace in your hearts and happiness in the New Year to come.

2013

Welcome 2013.

I'm sure hoping you will bring better things than 2012. I'm hopefully optimistic about it.

My children are all going to be going to the same schools. My children are all under one roof. My children are all healthy and safe. I'm looking for a different place to live, because my kids don't want to go to Kentucky. So I will have to find a place closer to here that will work until I can get to Kentucky sometime in my life. Right now though it just isn't the right time.

I have lots of goals for myself for this year. I want to try to be a more patient person. I want to be on time, I'm always late and it is stressful. I want to be more timely. I want to show my children that they can have disagreements and no swear and get angry. I will be working on this as well. I want to stop swearing. I don't think I swear a lot but even when I do, I just feel it is not necessary to get your point across, and I want them to watch what they are saying. We are going to implement a swear jar.

I'm going to watch what I eat and continue to make healthy choices for me and my family. I want to really focus on the important things in life, because I have been shown that just so quickly things can change. I want my kids to always know that I love them with my whole heart from my actions, words, and reactions.

I think this is a great way to start the year. Many blessings to you as we start this brand New Year.

Humbug!

     I am just not feeling the Christmas cheer this year. I don't feel like baking, I don't feel like decorating, I don't feel like being cheery. Don't get me wrong I have so many things to be thankful for, but just not feeling the Christmas cheer that normally overcomes me this time of year. I want to feel the Christmas spirit where I feel a little nicer than usual, I feel kinder than usual, I feel happier than usual. This year...I got nothing so far. I'm hoping I will find it before Christmas, I really hope I do. And I do have so many blessings to be thankful for. Even though things are not exactly how I'd like them to be they are better than they could have been.
     Myles will have the wires removed from his mouth just in time for Christmas, so he will be very happy to be enjoying Christmas dinner. I'm thankful for that, although secretly I think he has got used to me waiting on him hand and foot. And I gladly do it, because when I think that I could have lost him and Dustin, it is just too much to bear. I thank God every day for looking out for them and that they are ok. I don't think the boys realize how blessed they are. It really has added perspective for me though in a way that I thought I had already, especially since Myles had had cancer when he was 7, but this has added new meaning for me.

     Until next time...

Happy Mother's Day to you all.

I'm so blessed with my three boys. I have been given the gift of being their mother. Not just any mother, but Dustin's mother, Myles's mother and Luke's mother. I have given life three times to three individual and special souls. I forget sometimes how blessed I am to be a mother so this year I'm relishing in the fact that I am their mother. Our days may not be perfect but they sure are worth it. And I am grateful for my own mother and the other mothers in my life. My sisters, my friends, Aunts both living and in Heaven, and my Mamaw. I guess I need to be reminded sometimes how blessed I am to be given such a gift. So I am thankful today.
Happy Mother's Day to all of you Moms out there.

Funky Town

I'm in a funk!
I can not seem to climb out of. I have been trying to force myself to be more positive. Do more things, but I don't want to. I am happy to sit in the house in my PJ's all day, every day. I don't want to deal with all the issues that Dustin is having right now. He is on a bad path and all the talking in the world is not getting through to him.
I thought I was feeling a little better after the party for my parents and being around the family was good for everyone. But now, with Mother's Day approaching, I am worried about my cousins Becky and Randy too, this will be the first without their Mom. I can't imagine how that is going to be for them. I am thankful that I have my mother and realize that I should make her more aware of how thankful I am that I still have her. There are many people that read this blog that have lost their Mom, my thoughts and prayers will be with you on that day as well.
I have so many other posts in my head. Hopefully tomorrow I will be able to get out another. There is so much on my chest, I feel like it is crushing me.

"For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten son, that whosoever believes in Him shall have everlasting life. " John 3:16

What a strong message that we miss all too often.

The date was ok.
He was nice but too much of the "Oh but I'm so different than the other guys." I mean, he does not get to decide that, I do. We had dinner and too many drinks, I don't think it's gonna happen again.
Like I said higher standards...
Oh well...

The road to happiness starts with me

OK, so the other day I did something I swore I would NEVER do! Ready?? I got a tattoo!! I still can't believe I got a tattoo! I like it. It's cute. It is a frog on the top of my foot. No one will even know when I have on socks and shoes, except I hardly wear socks and shoes! But I like it. And I did it for ME! It made ME happy.

So, thinking about that, I'm going to try this new me. New me, new attitude. Happy. I want to be happy again. I want to be me again. I quit my job where my boss was a complete ass! Just walked right out! It felt liberating, although now I have to find another job. I still have my second job, but I made more money at the one I quit! I'm just trying to make myself feel better. Force myself to make changes... force myself to feel better. I am not going to let some failed fake relationship bring me down. Buck was clearly not worth my time and I believe that I knew that long before his infidelity. I just wanted something that was not there.

NO MORE! I am going to force myself to be happy, if it kills me!

Getting back to regular programming

I have been undoubtedly depressed and angry. With some adjustment to my medications, I am feeling less angry and more depressed. I have been reading this book called "He's just not that into you." It seems to be insightful in a weird sort of way. It makes me realize some things that I should have not been putting up with for a long time with Buck. It also confirms that once a cheater, always a cheater. Which I did not even consider to be an option any longer. I absolutely could never be with him again. There is no trust and I have no respect left for him whatsoever. He calls trying to make me feel guilty about Luke. But, I am very adamant that he does not have the good qualities that need to be modeled for Luke. Buck is just trying to make himself feel better and at this point I have no consideration for his feelings. He certainly was not thinking about me or Luke while he was cheating. I am very hurt, but know that I have to get past this and I will. I don't know if I will ever fully trust someone again, but I know that currently, that is the last thing I am thinking about. I don't want another relationship. I don't want to open myself up to be hurt again. I just can't.

Depression Sucks

I'm so depressed. I just can not seem to bring myself out of it. I do have an appointment with Dr. Shrink on the 14th. I sure hope that she can help me do something. Maybe my meds need adjustment. I don't know, but I can not seem to get anything done and I am really far behind in my class again. This is the third time I am taking this same class and I am behind AGAIN! This is going on week 4 of a 5 week class and I am so far behind that I do not know if I will be able to catch up and actually pass the class. I have never been like this since starting my accounting classes.
My relationship with Buck is on a slow decline. I'm sure that is where we are headed. And I wish I could say that it bothers me, but...
We are just too different in our thinking and what it is that we actually want from each other. And I'm just too tired of trying to please everyone else. I want to do things for me. Maybe that is selfish, but that is how I am feeling. I wish I could say that a relationship seems worth it, but I really can't see that it is.
Maybe it's the depression talking. Maybe not.
My baby starts school in about a week. I thought I was going to be so happy about it. Now not so much. I mean after all, he is the baby. This is the last child I have that will be starting school for the first time. I'm happy to see the little man that he is becoming but sad to see my baby growing up. I remain upbeat and happy about it for him when we are talking about it, but inside I am screaming, it's too soon...not yet...just one more year
I know he will be fine and he will thrive.
Sorry for all the negativity lately. I'm just trying to work through this mess of my life right now.
Until next time...

Random thoughts

I don't have a real structured post today, not that my posts are usually structured, cause I have not had a real steady stream of thoughts lately, just things constantly going through my head. Rambling.
Today was such a long day. My boss had a bunch of stuff that he wanted me to take care of, and of course, waited until the last 2 hours of the day to tell me everything. So, I was rushing and I hate that. It stresses me out.
Tomorrow is the last day of school for the boys. They are so happy to be off for the summer break. That just means that it is closer that Luke will be going to school this fall and Dustin will be in middle school when school resumes. Myles, thankfully, he will still be in the elementary school for another couple years. The cat is still losing a little more hair. I go for the Endocrinologist appointment on Tuesday and then Myles will have his 6 month check up at the Children's hospital. I'm sure his scans will be good again, I just can not help but stress over it every time we have to go.
I'm worried about money as usual. There are more bills than I can afford to pay. I still have not been able to find a job with that degree I have! So glad that I have student loans totalling more than $23,000 and no job to accompany that. Kinda seems pointless to have the piece of paper right about now.
Oh, yeah, tomorrow, the kids get out of school early since it is the last day. After work, I have to go grocery shopping for Gramma, Luke has to be picked up from daycare, Dustin has an appointment in Merrillville at 5pm, Myles has a baseball game at 5pm in Highland, don't know how I am going to be in two different towns at the same time...
I think that my Mom may take Myles to his game, but even then, she has to work and I don't know how I am going to get him to her and still have Dustin to his appointment on time. I just hate days like that. So, until next time....

Worth Considering...

I got this in an email and it truly is words to live by.

Worth Considering

Written By Regina Brett, 90 years old, of The Plain Dealer, Cleveland , Ohio.

"To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lesson s life taught me. It is the most-requested column I've ever written. My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:"

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.

2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.

3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.

4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.

5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.

8. Its OK to get angry with God. He can take it.

9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.

10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.

12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.

13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.

15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.
16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.

17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.

18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.

19. It’s never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.

20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take No for an answer.
21. Today is special. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets and wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion.

22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.

23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.

24.The most important sex organ is the brain.

25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'

27. Always choose life.

28. Forgive everyone everything.

29. What other people think of you is none of your business.

30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

33. Believe in miracles.

34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.

35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.

37. Your children get only one childhood.

38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.

39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.

40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.
41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

42. The best is yet to come.

43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

44. Yield.

45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift."

Get moving already!

I just started a new class, this is the second week. I do not feel motivated at all. I have not read all the material from last week. I have not started the reading material from this week. I don't want to read it. I have not even started on my paper that was due yesterday. I just can not seem to get my head together to go with this class. I have to take it. I have to do the work, I just can't find it in me this class. I really need to get things moving. These classes only last for five weeks so I can not afford to fall behind and I have already started off behind. It does not feel good.

Just irritated

Really, irritated is about the best way I can explain my feelings of the day, well, the week. I have been helping Buck to search for someone online that he really should try to contact. Anyway, we did the reunion.com thing, we did the classmates.com thing, and he even paid for a people search that actually produced a lot of information about this person. Addresses, phone numbers, relatives and their addresses and phone numbers, a mountain of information. So, we know where this person lives. But, he still keeps trying to locate her online, like through Facebook, or Reunion, or Classmates, and then gets his pants in a bunch when I try to tell him something different. It is just really irritating for me, because if you are asking for my help, then let me help you. Or are you just asking for my help so that you can be crabby with me about it when you do not find what you are looking for. All this information is very relevant to him. And important, but we have had the people search for 2 years now and he has not once tried to make contact through the information that we do have. And, then he's crabby with me about it! Hey man, I did not do anything wrong. If you had done what you should have to begin with you would not be looking for her now. And when you do find her, I suspect that you are not going to be happy with the results from that either way either. So, how is any of this supposed to be helping? I don't know. I just had enough for today.

Happy Halloween :-)

My rant...

Ok, this is going to be a rant. Sorry, but be warned.
So, the neighbor got this cat. Real pretty cat, I have nothing against cats, obviously because I have one! So they get this cat and the cat stays outside. Ok, fine, well, yesterday, we were eating dinner outside and here comes the cat. Well, me being the germophobe that I am, Luke, don't touch the cat. Luke don't feed the cat. Luke don't touch the cat. Luke get away from the cat..... You get the point. Well, I have a cat THAT I KEEP IN THE HOUSE!!! And cats can pass feline leukemia, fleas, etc, etc... Well, I don't want Smokey getting fleas, he doesn't even go outside. So, I don't want the cat around in the yard. And it came because we were eating outside. Buck shooed it away a few times and it went back across the fence and sat there watching us eat dinner.
So, tonight, I am making dinner. Salmon patties, fried potatoes and corn. Well, I am frying the potatoes and the salmon patties and I have the back door open with the screen, and the next thing I know, this damn cat is scratching at the screen to get in the house. Obviously, it smelled the salmon. This cat is sitting on the stairs, scratching like crazy, itching itself like mad, meowing while I am making dinner. Smokey notices and goes to the screen then they are hissing at each other. You have got to be kidding me! So, I get the squirt bottle, because this is what I do with Smokey when I want him to stop doing something or be quiet. I squirt the cat, it leaves. A few minutes later, it's right back, scratching at the screen, meowing! I squirt it again, it leaves. I literally turn around to flip the salmon patties and the cat is right back again. Now, I have squirted the heck out of this cat twice. This went on like another three times. Well, I am getting mad, I'm sure this cat does not have shots and it has fleas (it was scratching like crazy) and it's right by the open back screen.
I finally got pissed and I got a big bowl from the cabinet, filled it with water and threw it out the back door at this cat. The cat ran. This cat was soaking wet. Do you believe that, IT CAME BACK A FEW MINUTES LATER!! Seriously, I thought that cats were smarter than that! I threw the bowl of water out the back door another two... two times before the cat finally stayed off the stairs. And it was still at the bottom of the stairs meowing, licking itself, because it was soaking wet. And do you know that she had enough nerve to say that I should not have thrown water on the cat!! I did not argue with her. I told Buck he should talk to her husband. MAYBE SHE SHOULD KEEP HER DAMN CAT IN THE HOUSE if she does not want me to throw water on it for scratching up the screen and trying to get in my house! I swear if Smokey gets fleas from that cat there will be hell to pay!

Smokey, the cat with an attitude

I got smokey when he was five weeks old. He's ten years old now, and has such an attitude! It's funny, but then sometimes it's really not. He has to sleep with one of us. He usually makes his way around with each of the kids and then ends up sleeping with me. Last night, he kept me up half the night. He lays across my legs and no matter how many times I move him, he's right back a few minutes later. Even after being catapulted off the bed, he comes right back.
How dare you, I was sleeping there!
And after keeping me up all night, I get up this morning and he's howling at me to fill his food bowl, now! I couldn't even go pee first. I am beginning to think maybe he is just a spoiled old man cat. I think that's it.
But he's like one of my kids.