Where have I been?

     It's been such a long time since I have came to this place. So much has happened. I am happier. I feel like a stronger person. My children are growing up so fast. Dustin has graduated. I can't believe my baby has graduated. The school does not have mid-term graduation so he will walk with his class in June for Graduation, but he has met all the requirements for his diploma and no longer needs to attend class. He is looking for a full time job. He has a girlfriend who has helped him in so many ways. I have literally saw him grow up before my eyes. He is a responsible young man with a good head on his shoulders. I'm so proud of him. Dustin comes to me to talk about important things he is going through, this is something I could never before imagined happening. He has matured and I have also learned different ways to communicate with him. He hated me and everything for so long that this is such an answered prayer for me. CI only dreamed of having this kind of a relationship with him. 
     Myles is a Sophomore this year.  Again, where has the time gone? He turns sixteen in a couple days. My baby Myles is going to be sixteen. He is doing better in school but it is still a struggle to make him get up in the morning and go to school. He tests the limits I have set for him every chance he gets. I have to be all over him about his grades, and he is doing well. He is still getting used to having rules and guidance that he did not get living with his father. 
     Luke is in 5th grade this year. Wow. He turned 11 in October. My Lukey Bear is growing up so very fast. I sometimes wish I could stop time to slow down this growing up thing. His ADHD poses issues with homework and attitude that sometimes is overwhelming and I have a hard time dealing with it sometimes. It is a learning process for everyone. I wonder what he thinks sometimes. I wonder if my frustrations with him will forever change him? I am not the most patient person and sometimes it feels like I am exasperated a lot with him. I don't mean to be, I try to remember that he is just 11, and that the ADHD is difficult for him too, I try to also remember that he is my baby and that it won't always be this way. I try to hang on to this time I have with him because very soon his friends are going to become more important than Mom and Dad. He's not going to want to spend the weekends with his parents, he's going to want to be with his friends. It's a natural part of him growing up. I worry constantly that his ADHD will contribute to poor impulse choices. I worry that I am doing everything wrong. Don't all parents worry they are doing it all wrong?
     I am in such a great place with Buck. We love each other more than either of us could have realized. When I think of my future, I can not see the future without him in it. I worry about him so much. He's getting older and works so hard. He hasn't had a real check up with the doctor, EVER. He goes for the yearly DOT physical, but that does not include blood work, a prostate exam, things that a man of 54 should be having checked out. I worry that something will happen to him. I love him so much, I can't imagine my life without him in it. He is my one and only. Like we were meant for each other. I know it sounds corny, but that is what is in my heart. 
     Sorry I'm such a terrible blogger. It has been almost a year since my last post. I always say I'll try to be better about it, but then I always feel that there is nothing exciting in my life that anyone would want to read about. Maybe I need a blog project, a challenge, something. I'll think about it and maybe in the New Year I can start something.  Right now, I have too many projects started at home that I need to finish first. I am crocheting a bunch of granny squares for an afghan, when I go to Mamaw's in March she is going to show me how to sew them all together. I am sewing cloth pads for my stash and hopefully setting up an Etsy store to sell some if I get good at it. And then there is all the Christmas baking, decorating, cooking and then all the clean up from that. 
     So my blog project will have to wait a little bit. 
     I hope everyone is doing well and that Christmas is a happy time filled with family and love.

Many Blessings

     I have so many blessings to be thankful for I simply can not list them all.
At last...I have all three of my boys under the same roof full time. It is wonderful and chaotic, but it makes my heart full even with the struggles and adjustments. My heart and home are full. I could not ask for more.
     Merriest Christmas to all my dear friends and family near and far. My most sincere wish for you all is peace in your hearts and happiness in the New Year to come.

Humbug!

     I am just not feeling the Christmas cheer this year. I don't feel like baking, I don't feel like decorating, I don't feel like being cheery. Don't get me wrong I have so many things to be thankful for, but just not feeling the Christmas cheer that normally overcomes me this time of year. I want to feel the Christmas spirit where I feel a little nicer than usual, I feel kinder than usual, I feel happier than usual. This year...I got nothing so far. I'm hoping I will find it before Christmas, I really hope I do. And I do have so many blessings to be thankful for. Even though things are not exactly how I'd like them to be they are better than they could have been.
     Myles will have the wires removed from his mouth just in time for Christmas, so he will be very happy to be enjoying Christmas dinner. I'm thankful for that, although secretly I think he has got used to me waiting on him hand and foot. And I gladly do it, because when I think that I could have lost him and Dustin, it is just too much to bear. I thank God every day for looking out for them and that they are ok. I don't think the boys realize how blessed they are. It really has added perspective for me though in a way that I thought I had already, especially since Myles had had cancer when he was 7, but this has added new meaning for me.

     Until next time...

Shout out to all Moms :)

Happy Mother's Day to all my favorite Moms out there! I hope you all have a wonderful day filled with love.

I have so much on my mind, I feel like my head could literally explode. I have little energy for anything. I know it is this depression. I can not get into see Dr. Shrink until the 26th. I know that I am needing a medication adjustment, I just don't know what. I really would like to start jogging, but, that leaves me with the problem of who is going to watch Luke while I do that? I need to do something. And bills....at this point, I do not have enough to pay my bills for this month. I have to call my landlord and tell him tomorrow. I am hoping that he will be a little understanding and work with me. If not, then, I don't know what I am going to do. It just really stinks that I am 35 and struggling with money all the time. I have a degree in accounting, but have yet to find that accounting position. I filled out an application last week that I had hopes about, but have not heard anything from them. I intend to call tomorrow to check up on the application.
I am helping y friend out this weekend at a "Going Green Expo" at the fair grounds. Then Sunday for Mother's Day, our family ALWAYS goes to my sister's house for a get together. We have done it for the last 11 years now. I have to bring cheesecakes. That is her only request of me every year. So, I oblige. And lately, I have been craving being with my family. I don't know if it is triggered by how many people I have lost in the last six months or just something going on with me. But it doesn't hurt to want to be with them.
In other news, the giant puppy has taken a liking to chewing up shoes. She gave up electrical cords after being jolted, but she is loving shoes. Two pairs of my work shoes, Two pairs of Ashlee's flip flops when she was up here, and recently, Myles' brand new Nike's. Needless to say, I am less than happy about it and have yet to find a way to deter her from this. (Hitting her with the shoe in anger the other day did not help.) So, if anyone has any ideas or advice, please, do tell. And she does have plenty of chew toys and rawhide bones and harder bones, she's spoiled rotten, and still she chews the shoes! Then, I look at her and remember how badly I needed her when I got her. Mentally, I was a mess. But, I would like her to give up the shoe fetish.
And, Diana, I will be thinking about you this Mother's Day. I know how badly you will be missing your Mom. Love to you. And Vickie, your words mean so much.
Happy Mother's Day.

Crazy scheduling coming up, please disregard the current program interruption....

This week just seems to be so busy. I work in the morning, have to pick up Dustin and Myles from the Dad. I have an appointment with that Endocrinologist tomorrow at 3pm. After that, I have to figure out something to make the children some dinner. My Ma Maw is up here now and we/my sister is trying to get her surgery scheduled for hear foot. She has to be cleared by a doctor in the St. Anthony network and also have a Doppler on her leg all before they will set a surgery date. She has already been told that she will not be able to put any weight on it for 6 to 8 weeks. Of course, I worry about her, but she really needs this surgery.
My other sister has some issues going on in her relationship and personally that she just does not want to face or that she just is not ready to deal with. I do not think that they as parents, realize that everything they do affects my 2 year old nephew. And I can not really write more about it here, because some of my family members may read my blog since I have never kept it a secret. And I do not want to add any more fuel to the fire going there.
Buck started a new job yesterday. He seems to like it, for now. He always seems to get really geared up for the next new job and then shortly afterward, well, he's unhappy about the pay or what he has to do or the tools that he has to constantly carry around. They are getting him too cheap, and he knows that this place is getting him too cheap, he just needed to get out of that last job. We will see what happens with this, I suspect that in 6 months or so, he will start looking for another job that will pay him more.
I also have another appointment on Monday after work for my ear. It is still infected. It is sore and swollen. It still has crap in there, so I think I need more antibiotics to fully get rid of it. I still have drops to put in there, but I think it is not enough. This last course just was not enough. I don't know what to do about all these ear infections. I have had more and more of them in the last ten years.
This weekend coming up is going to be one of my nephew's birthday party, which also happens to be on Father's Day. Buck is probably going to be working, so he will not be with us at my sister's and Luke will have to see his Dad later in the evening to give him his gift and cards.
I can not think of anything else to update about at the moment. I have some photos to upload, but the camera battery is dead, and right now, I am just too lazy to set it up to the computer, so that will have to be another day.

Mother's Day

Well today I spent most of Mother's Day being angry with my kids for not listening to me, fighting with each other, and just generally misbehaving. We went to my sister's house for the annual Mother's Day celebration. There was tons of food. Lots of people. It was nice. But really, I am just depressed about my kids and just life in general at this point. I wanted to take the kids and drop them off and go back home alone for Mother's Day. But, we all went together. The kids played outside the whole time we were there. I caught up with my Mom and sister's. My brother came out there too after he got off work.
Overall, I'm glad today is almost over and pray that tomorrow will be better.
And then, I read some of the blogs that I follow and I hear how they are suffering this Mother's Day because their children are no longer with them and it makes me feel terrible because here I am and I have all my children with me and have only been mostly angry with them all day. I am thankful for my children and all that they bring to my life. I know that sometimes I need to lighten up and not get bent out of shape when things are not going exactly how they should, but that has been increasingly difficult for me lately. I know I have not been very uplifting with my posts lately, I'm sorry for that. I am just trying to work out so many things in my head and in my life.
Thanks for reading.
Happy Mother's Day to all my Momma readers.
Until next time....

Oh, and I forgot my camera so no Mother's Day photos to post. Did not even realize I forgot it until I got back and it was on the table.

Easter bunnies

Easter was good.
Ma Maw did not feel up to going to church that morning, but we had a wonderful meal that I prepared and Ma Maw had her input. The kids behaved (all of them). They enjoyed their Easter baskets very much and liked the edible grass that was in the bottom of the baskets. It tasted like Styrofoam to me, but they liked it.
Buck did not drive down for dinner, I was pretty angry about it, but I did not let that ruin the day. He missed out.
Overall, a good day.
Ma Maw spent a couple nights with me, and is now at my sister's house. I will see her again later this week. She was not feeling too good yesterday.

Just stuff in my head today

"We see things not as they are but as we are." --Douglass Fitch

I saw this quote on a blog that I read today and thought to myself how very true this is.

I am trying to get ready for Easter this weekend. My brother is actually driving down on Thursday to pick my Ma Maw up from Kentucky and bring her up here. I am so excited, I can not wait to spend some time with her. As far as I know, she is going to be spending Easter with me and my family, because my parents and other sister go to my other grandparents for Easter. I'm the odd one, that chose long ago to make my own family dinners with my children. So, I cook the whole meal and I hope that one day my kids will remember, hey my Mom used to do all this for us. I still have to find out when the Easter service is at church. I am hoping that there is a regular service in addition to the sunrise service that we usually have, but I don't know. Our church is so small, it is not enough people for a second service. We have maybe 50 people. Maybe a little more, but I'd be surprised if there is more than that. But, I think that is why I love it there so much.

On a totally different note, I feel like this has been a long week, and it is only Tuesday. I was so busy at work today and there was just so much happening there today, it was exhausting. A police officer that frequents our office, his wife is 42 and dying of cancer. I just felt so sad for him. He has just returned to work after a couple weeks vacation and he has some time left, but needs to save that vacation time for when he needs it most. But, how do you decide that? When is it more important to be with your dying wife? When things are really bad, when she is still here and you are able to enjoy the time that you have left? I could just tell that it was a struggle he had going on within. I did not know what else to say except that I was so sorry that they are going through this. I know, it happens, it is and has happened in my own family. I know many others that have had cancer strike their family. And every time, I can not help but feel so incredibly sad for others and for my own losses as well.

I have to work early tomorrow and then will have the rest of the week off until Monday. The kids are on spring break so that actually worked out good, except I will feel it when I get paid. What else is new?

Until next time....

The late post

I know I had promised an update over the weekend, but I was busy with the kids and cleaning.
I am trying to get things in order at my house before my MaMaw gets here. I looks like I may not be driving down there with my Mom to pick her up after all. My Mom is now not able to go pick her up until Friday 4-10-09. We were supposed to be leaving on that Thursday and coming back on Friday. And it just so happens that is Easter weekend. So I will be coloring Easter eggs with the children and preparing the meal for Easter Sunday. And, it just so happens that my nephews birthday party is going to be on the Saturday, the day before Easter. So, if I drive down to Kentucky with my mother on that Friday and come back on the same day, I still will not have time to color the eggs with the kids on Saturday because we have to go to the birthday party and then that will leave me getting everything ready for Easter dinner on Easter Sunday. I just don't know.
I have been enjoying the break from school. My classes resume on April 21. I just finishes reading World Without End by Ken Follett. It was like the sequel to his first book like it called The Pillars of the Earth. I have to say that I really enjoyed the book. I read the entire book in a week's time. I did not get much else done and neglected my blog and well, cooking too. Everyone was fending for themselves for a few days, but they all found things to cook for themselves, which was nice, because I did not have to cook.
This Friday is Buck and my anniversary, even though we are not currently married, we have been together for 5 years now. We really have no special plans, financially, we can not do very much, but I plan to make a good dinner and buy a bottle of wine. And then his birthday is this coming Sunday, 48 years old. I have to say that the last couple years have aged him. I think it is his field of work, being that it's construction, he is constantly worried about getting jobs and making money, and I think that has aged him quite a bit in the last couple years. But I know that I have aged as well. It happens, such is life.
I have been thinking a lot lately about Luke starting school this year. I am happy about it, but a little sad as well. My "baby" is going off to school. He i very excited about it and I am happy for that. He is so smart and always asking questions. He wants to spell things all the time, which I think is wonderful.
Dustin has been doing good in school the last couple weeks, since his last incident. I just hope that he keeps it up, there are only a couple months left until the end of school and he goes on to the middle school next year. I am hoping that will be good for him. Only time will tell.
I have been experimenting with new recipes for dinner, the other day I made homemade chicken fried rice, it was pretty good and cheaper than ordering Chinese for dinner.
Well, until next time....

Happy New Year

Happy New Year everyone. I hope that this year brings much joy for everyone. I am looking forward to new beginnings this year in many ways. School, my children, my significant other, my employment, and much more. I hope that everyone had a great New Year's Eve. I spent the evening with my family at my parent's house. It was an interesting evening, but fun nonetheless.

Merry Chritmas Everyone

Merry Christmas everyone. It's hard to always remember that I am blessed with family and friends that are wonderful. I had a nice Christmas get together with my family over the weekend. It really is nice to be around everyone, even with the drama that comes with it. Today I had Christmas with my older boys because they are going to be with their Dad tomorrow. I am preparing Luke's Santa gifts and Buck is eating cookies and tarts that I baked yesterday. All in all, I can not complain. I hope that everyone has a blessed Christmas and remember the reason for this wonderful day.

Almost Christmas

I'm still here, I have been trying to prepare for Christmas. Wrapping gifts, baking, and holiday parties. I will try to write more before Christmas.

Happy Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving everyone. Today I am focused on my family and how thankful I am for each and every person in my life. My kids are healthy. We have a roof over our head. We have warmth. We have food. We have each other. Some people are less fortunate and do not have a warm home or enough food to eat. There are some families that their children are sick. So, I am blessed. I may not always appreciate it enough, but I am blessed. I will prepare a meal for my family and enjoy the time we are spending together. I hope that everyone else has a wonderful day.

Christmas will be here before we know it!

For Christmas I always bake some old family recipes with the kids. We do it every year. We usually end up with way more cookies and cherry tarts than we can all eat so we share with the neighbors and some families from church.
Another thing that we love to do every year is go through the drive thru of a fast food restaurant a day or so before Christmas and we pay for the car behind us and tell the cashier just to tell them Merry Christmas. This happened to me one year and I have never forgot it, so it is a nice feeling to do this for someone else. I hope that it has inspired someone else to do it as well. The kids always look forward to it and I hope that they will remember it and continue it when they grow up.
So Internet, what Christmas traditions do you share with your families? I'm curious to see what other people do to spread the Christmas spirit.

Trick or Treating

Luke was spiderman again this year. He could barely breathe through that mask, but wore it most of the night.
We took all the cousins together, minus the older kids, they went off on their own.

This is the parade that we took with us trick or treating. My two sisters, my sister's boyfriend, the four kids and myself!

This house was really cool.

So after trick or treating, My sister, My mother and I went on this scavenger hunt that the town had set up. It was so much fun. We had to go to the graveyard, a church, and we raided my sister's house and went to her neighbor's houses asking if they had items on the list. We didn't do too bad. We got 4th or 5th place. Some gift certificates. It was really a good time.

What did you do for Halloween?

Happy Halloween :-)

An extended hand...

OK, so I think I must be messing up the whole keep family at arm's reach thing.
My sister called tonight to ask if Luke and I wanted to go with her and my other sister and my nephews and niece trick or treating. And, since Buck is going to be working and can't go with us, I said yes, I'll go with them. She even offered to pick me and Luke up and bring us home since I am blind as a bat at night. It is seriously scary to drive with me in the dark.
I actually missed being around the family, but there still is reservations there that I just can not seem to let go of. I mean the last couple times that I have been around them, things have been fine and I actually had a good time. But with the family, comes all the family drama that I had separated myself from for the last two years. I'm still trying to find my place in this new territory. If that makes any sense.
Don't get me wrong, it is nice to be around family. I want my kids to be around family. It's just hard to 'forget' why I chose to remove myself from that family to begin with. I have not by any means forgot. I don't know that I ever will. But I want to raise my kids around family to an extent. Not smothering in family, but around them. It's so hard to explain.
Anyone else have this feeling of what to do from here?