Now we wait...I hate waiting

So we went to court yesterday. The judge will have a meeting with Myles next week and then make her ruling about the custody arrangement. I am so nervous about it. I have been going crazy with all of it. I just want what is best for all my boys. It's sad that their father is so uninvolved in their lives but still wants the control. It is a matter of control, not just over the kids but over me as well. I hate that he does not put their best interests first. It makes me angry. And now I just wait to see what is going to happen. I'm hopeful, but really, I have no faith in the legal system. If it were as it should be, we would have never got joint custody to begin with due to his violent nature and domestic violence. Please keep us in your prayers during this time.

Two posts in one, cause I'm lazy today

I have decided against being a surrogate. As much as I would love to help a couple, I just don't think emotionally that I could do it. I couldn't just hand over a baby or two that I had carried the whole time, even if they were not mine biologically. And after talking with the psych yesterday, she really did not think it was a good idea for me at this time either. I feel guilty in a way that I have let them down, but I would hate myself emotionally if I went through a whole pregnancy and had to hand over the baby. I truly wish them well and hope that they find someone that can make them parents, I just don't think that person is me. Still, I am sad.

And, on another depressing note, my Aunt Edith who just lost her husband in November is in the hospital on life support for the last week. Yesterday they tried taking her off and within 10 minutes she was blue. I think I have said my last words to her and it makes me very sad. She took care of me and my sister a lot when my Mom was working when I was younger and I'm not going to have a proper goodbye with her. She was so depressed after her husband died that she just laid in the bed. She has her own health issues and I think that just made them worse. I don't think she is going to come out of this and I hate that I can not be there. It is very upsetting to me and being how I am, this makes me think about my Ma Maw, how will she handle losing a child? Will something happen to her after that? I truly could not handle that. My Ma Maw, even if I have complained about her, I emotionally am not prepared for something to happen to her and I don't think I ever will be. I guess I need to go do something and get my mind off this before I drive myself crazy. I'm sad, very sad.

Worry, worry, worry and repeat

After a crazy, busy week I am looking forward to staying home this weekend in my PJ's. I have tons of homework to catch up on that I have managed to neglect all week. Now I have to work on that this weekend. I don't know that I will ever get totally caught up now, since I am almost two whole weeks behind and the class is only five weeks long. We shall see what happens this weekend. I am optimistic, but reserved about it as well.

My sister took Ma Maw home to Kentucky today. I have to say that I am sad that she has left. I always feel like it is the last time that I am going to see her and I hate feeling like that. I have serious anxiety about it. I do call her daily, but it is never the same as being with her and spending time with her.

Myles managed to step on a nail at his Dad's house and his foot is now infected. Dustin had hours of homework to do last night. He actually stayed up later than I did. Then, he did not finish it until this morning before we left for school. I also found out just tonight that the Middle School orientation for the parents is this coming Tuesday of which Dustin failed to mention. He doesn't feel that we should have to know about the Middle School, he's going there, not the parents. Or perhaps his father already knew about it and failed to share that information, which could totally be possible as well. Either way, I am going to be there Tuesday, because I want to know what is going on and it is my responsibility to know what is going on with his school, whether Dustin or his Dad likes it or not. It really is awesome that the school sends out emails of what's happening next week. Thank you.

And, oh, geez, the family drama just never ends. Did I mention before that I had not missed that in the time that I was not speaking to them? I'm sure I must have mentioned it before. Nothing big really, just normal family drama, you know, everyone has to deal with it at some time, I am sure.

I went to the grocery store for Gramma (the old lady that I take care of that drives me out of my mind!). I am so conflicted about the situation with her. I got suckered in to taking care of her just by taking her to the doctor one time, then she somehow became my responsibility. And, really I feel bad that she has no one else to take care of her. But she calls me several times a day (lonely), but I just do not have time to be one the phone all the time and it never fails that she calls when I am at work or totally busy. Then I have to find time to go to the store for her and deliver her stuff to her and sort her pills, pick up her pills, take out the garbage, pick up her bills, pay her bills, go to some doctor appointments, take care of the paperwork for the nursing home for her husband, things like that. Which is all fine, but I have my own family, two jobs, three kids, and I am attending school full time online. The kids are in sports and have practices and games and swim meets will be soon starting for the summer season for Dustin. I just do not have time for this sometimes, then I feel guilty cause I think well, just do it and not complain. What else can I do? Buck thinks I am crazy for doing all that for her with no pay, but she really has no one else to take care of her and she really can not afford to pay me. She is 88, almost 89 years old, so what else can I do? Suck it up and take care of her.

Well, I do not know how that turned into a rant about Gramma, but OK. I was actually wanting to post about something Luke did that just really scared me to death and I am not sure if I handled it good or got through to him, so I am turning to the Internets to help me out here.
OK, here's the story, I will try to keep it short, but can't promise anything. We went to Gramma's to drop off her groceries. Luke always helps me carry in her things, I put some things away and label some things for her since she is legally blind. Well, she needed me to sort some of her pills that she got mixed up, so I told Luke to stay in the living room, I went into the bedroom to sort the pills, maybe 5 minutes, but in that time, Luke went outside even though he was told to stay in the living room. We never totally close the patio door cause Gramma smokes A LOT and I can barely breathe in there and try to leave as soon as possible cause we both have asthma and when we leave, we smell like smoke which I do not like either. So, I sort her pills and go out to the living room, and Luke is not in the living room, he went outside. I look outside, I don't see him. My heart sinks. I call him and he says, "I'm over here Mom, I'm talking to Jim." Well, first off, why the hell are you outside and who the hell is Jim? Well, Jim flashes his US Census Bureau ID, but really I don't care who he is, Luke is not supposed to be outside, and he surely is not supposed to be talking to strangers. I not so politely told Jim that I do not care who he is, that Luke is not supposed to be talking to strangers and proceed to flip out on Luke cause 1) he is outside when I said to wait in the living room, 2) he is talking to a stranger, 3) this Jim didn't think to say, well, does your Mom know you are outside by yourself?, and 4) HE'S NOT SUPPOSED TO BE TALKING TO STRANGERS!!! I can not tell you how many times we have talked about this. It scared the hell out of me. Had this been some child predator or whatever, Luke could have been gone! And, we have talked about this so many times. I gave him the third degree, I whipped him over it (I know, some may not agree, but I whipped him), I talked to him some more, I told him that he could NEVER see us again if someone were to take him becasue he was with a stranger. His Dad talked to him about it some more. I was so scared about what could have happened. I was disappointed. I was so angry because we have talked about it so many times and I was sure that Luke would not do that because we had told him so many times. I was also angry cause why would that guy not say hey, where's your Mom or Does she know you are out here? That guy was just out there talking to my 5 year old!

So please tell me Internets, what would you do? Have you had similar incidents? How do you get this in your kids head that they can not talk to strangers that there are people out there that will take you? What am I doing wrong? Or right? Please give me some advice here, I am really needing it about this one.

Frustrated with myself

I've done it again! My final is due this Sunday. That's right in like two days and I once again have not started it. I have to write a huge paper for Sunday, research and all. I don't know why I do this to myself. I am so stressed about it and I know it is my fault. I have had all week to work on it. Why? Oh, why do I do this every time?

Please, some sanity

I may be a little scarce this week. My final for my cost accounting class is due this week. I am stressing about it as usual, since I have not even started it yet. I swear, I do not know why I do this to myself, every time, I wait until the last minute and then freak out about it until I finish it. Thank God this is my last class to complete my associates degree. I will have new classes start in January toward the bachelors degree, but after Sunday, I will have completed the associates degree. I can barely believe it. For me, it feels like a huge accomplishment. I just have to get through this final.

Stress

I am determined that this is going to be a good week.
I am going to try my best not to stress about everything.
I really am going to try.

Please...drive me crazy

OK, so about my crazy week!

Last weekend, on Friday, Myles decided to swallow a quarter. Yep, you read that right a quarter! He swallowed it. I went into how he IS almost 10 years old and how many times have I told him not to put things in his mouth since he was little, but he had of course, already swallowed the quarter. Well, on Saturday, Myles is throwing up most of the day, dinner that we had before he had swallowed the quarter, so I get nervous about it being stuck and take him to the emergency room. They took an x-ray, the quarter was in his stomach and they said to bring him back in 2 to 3 days for another x-ray to see where it is at. So, I keep asking him if he has pooped it out. Like three times, he tells me he thinks he did. Well, it was only one quarter and he does not know if he pooped it out, and he couldn't have pooped it out three times!!. I'm tired of asking him if he's pooped out the quarter by then.

Tuesday, their father calls me at work, says that Dustin is in the nurses office at school, he's itching, maybe from the chlorine at the pool since he has started swimming again. But he's in the nurses office itching and wants someone to come get him. He says he is going to leave work to go get him. In the mean time, the ER radiology calls me to say that it looked like the quarter was lodged and want Myles to come back for another x-ray. I call the ex, tell him, since he is going to go pick up Dustin from school. Could he take Myles for the x-ray?

He sends his wife to go get Dustin, cause God forbid that he actually have to do anything for his kid, like go pick him up from school. And he did not want me to go get him on his day. Well, anyway, they don't get Dustin the Aquaphor for his itching like I said to get him that used to be prescribed for him for dry skin, but give him an oatmeal bath instead. No one takes Myles for the x-ray like the radiology department says, because apparently their father has now got a PhD that I was unaware of and the x-ray people must be wrong! I'm stressed out because they are with him and he is not doing what I would be doing with the kids and of course I have no control over that because they are with him that day. I hate that I have no control over what goes on with them when they are with him.

But, OK, so last week, Dustin did not get the best teacher conference...he has anger issues and well...an attitude and a half with most everyone when you are telling him what to do. And then the school counselor called about the same issues as the teacher, so I make him an appointment with his counselor (that he has gotten to take a break for the summer providing that he has no "issues" but apparently he has issues or there would not have been a not so good conference and call from the counselor), and when I tell him over the phone that we are going there, he HANGS UP THE PHONE ON ME!!! Yep, you read that right too. Hung the phone up on me and would NOT get back on the phone when I called back mad as hell. I was so mad, I was seeing spots. I knew that he would not want to go there, but to be so utterly disrespectful to hang up on me. OMG!! I was livid!! I was actually glad that I had to drive about an hour before I actually got there to pick him up.

I am stressed out. I mean I am doing the best that I can. I have two jobs. I am going to school full time. I have three kids. I am involved with the kids. I care about what they do, like I am supposed to. I am working my ass off and getting no where fast. I'm just so sick of it. Sometimes, I really feel like I could just walk away. I don't want to be me. I don't like being me. I hate my life. I hate the fact that I hate my life. I want my kids to listen to me. I am tired of dealing with everything.

And yet...

I know that I can not just walk away. I do not want to. They are my kids. But damn, it just really sucks right now. Everything.
Until next time and thanks for reading this long post.
Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated...

What is my problem??

I am stressing MAJOR!! I am so mad at myself! I always do this. I have finals due tomorrow and I am just today really working on them! What the heck is my problem that I can not just start early and not be freaking out about them at the last minute? I hate that I do this. I really did try to start early, but every time I sat down to write...nothing. Not a thought would come to mind about the topic I am supposed to be writing about. I blog, check email, surf the web, read blogs, totally waste time! But work on my finals, oh no, I can't do that until the last minute and even now, What am I doing?? Blogging about how I am not doing my finals!! I don't know what my problem is!

Ranting Again...

My ex husband is an idiot! We have joint legal and physical custody of the kids. Tuesday he let Myles stay home from school sick. Now, Myles will try to pull that everyday if you let him and you have to just tell him that he is going to school, unless he's obviously too sick to go to school and you can usually tell when he is. So Myles stays home from school sick, does his father take him to the doctor? No! Myles goes back to school on Wednesday. Wednesday at 1:00pm, I get a call from the nurse that Dustin is in the office and he has a terrible headache, can I come to pick him up? She said that she had called his father about 11:30am over the same issues and he said that he was at work and there was no one to pick him up from school! Send Dustin back to class. He did not even call me to see if I could pick him up! I went to pick him up when she called me. Then on Thursday, Dustin stays home from school because of a headache at his Dad's house. Does he take him to the doctor? No!! Now two days in a row the kid has had headaches that have literally made him throw up and he can get sent home from school, but his Dad can not take him to the doctor! So, Friday after I pick them up from school, I take them to the doctor. Myles just has a virus, got some decongestant. Dustin's asthma is acting up. The doc said that the headaches were most likely sinus problems and pressure, prescribed Dustin four (4) prescriptions.
Well, the deal is that their Dad is supposed to pick up the prescriptions because the insurance makes you pay 100% at the pharmacy and then will reimburse you 100% a few weeks later. Well, I don't have that extra cash to pick them up, so he is supposed to do it. And do you know that he tells me I should go pick them up. It's crap that he has to do it! HELLO, he makes 10x the money that I make. And it's not like he took time off work to go pick the kid up from school and it's not like he took either of the kids to the doctor when they stayed home from school sick like he should have. It's not like he took them to the doctor at all, and he can't go get the prescriptions!! I was so pissed off. He's an idiot!

What happened?

So last night when we got home from dinner, we played baseball with Luke, which he loved. I was taking some photos of him. Then B took the camera and snapped a few shots of me. OMG!! I look so fat. No, really, I do. I look all puffy. I could not believe it when I saw those photos. I obviously did not realize this. I mean I look in the mirror everyday when I am getting dressed and doing my hair, but to see me in a photo, I look fat. I don't know when this happened. And I don't know what to do about it. But seriously, I have to do something.

Needless to say, those photos got erased. No more photos allowed!

Really...What was I thinking?

A little over two years ago, my friend's Gramma called me to ask if I could take her for her Coumadin test. OMG, I wish I just told her no then! She is blind, so she can not drive. She calls me for everything!! I know that it must sound mean, but this old lady is making me crazy. I do not have time for this. I do her grocery shopping, I pay her bills, I take her to the doctor, I take care of everything for her! Her husband is in a nursing home. And get this, her daughter lives near by and does nothing!
I have said many times that I am not doing this anymore and that her daughter will just have to take care of her, but then well, her daughter's car broke down and she does not have a phone and a whole list of reasons that she can not take care of her mother! I swear I am gonna lose it if she calls me one more time this afternoon. She calls me when I am at work. If I do not answer the phone, well she calls so many times that I have to answer the phone to tell her to stop calling me. She thinks that I am just supposed to drop everything and come running over there when she needs something or wants something. And did I mention that she lives about 45 minutes from me? Well, I do not have time for this.
She is not my responsibility. I have three kids, I work two jobs, I go to school full time, I am in a relationship, and I DO NOT HAVE TIME!!! What does she not understand about that. I swear, she has no consideration for me. Just what can I do for her. I know this sounds harsh, but it's true. This old lady fully has her wits about her and she is manipulative. And I am such a sucker. I should have stopped this a long time ago, but then I feel bad that she has no one else to take care of her. But does her daughter feel bad, NO! Not one bit. So why do I? Why should I have to do everything for her when she has a daughter that lives around here and can help out, but there's a thousand excuses that she can not do it, but I am supposed to. I know that I am being taken advantage of, but then I still feel bad.
I have flipped out on her a few times and told her that she is not my responsibility and that I am not going to be doing these things anymore, and then she starts crying, "I know I'm a burden, I'm sorry. But I don't have anyone else, Bonny. You're the only one I have to depend on...." It just makes me sick! Today, well actually since yesterday she has been calling me like 100 times, because she needs groceries and she needs cigarettes, and her TV is messed up. I have said a million times don't wait until you are totally out of something to call me. I can not just run over there! But does she listen, no. She has no cigarettes and she is freaking out, and I don't have the time to go running over there. Really, I don't want to either. It is not my problem. She is not my problem. I have three kids. Three! I don't need this. And I have told her that I think that she needs to go to the nursing home to be by her husband, she won't even think about it. I think because they won't let her just sit around and smoke all day long. But, really, I am no relation to her, and her daughter does not want to take care of her and there is no one else around here to take care of her. It would be a different story if this were my MaMaw, but it's not!
Why should it be my responsibility? If she went to the nursing home they would provide her with meals, they would wash her hair, they would take care of her medical needs, she wouldn't have any bills to pay, and it would be so much easier for me. B has told me more times than I can count that I need to cut the old lady off! But then I feel bad. I am in a terrible situation with this and don't know what to do about it. But she is making me crazy!!

When does school start?

My kids are driving me crazy!! I can not wait for school to start! I don't think the summer is ever going to end. My oldest who is 12 totally does not listen to me. He acts like I don't even say anything. He has a 'whatever' attitude about everything and it is about to make me flip out! My middle son who is 9 fights constantly with the 4 year old and I can't stand it. Every single word out of his mouth is in complete contradiction to what his brother is saying and it does not matter what it is. The youngest could say that the sky is blue and #2 would say 'no it isn't!' They are slowly making me lose my mind. And the youngest, well, he imitates everything that his brothers do, and needless to say, they are not teaching him good things with attitudes like this. I always feel bad for yelling at them all the time and then I sit back and think to myself, well, if they were listening to me I wouldn't be yelling at them! I really try to be patient with them and it never fails that they start fighting and ignoring me and I end up getting really mad and yelling. Granted, I do not start off yelling, this comes after about 20 times saying the same thing or listening to bickering for 30 minutes, that I want to pull every hair out of my head! Seriously. School can not start soon enough.