what to do

I'm so depressed. I don't know what to do. My boys have decided that they want to live with their abusive father because he just lets them do whatever they want. I'm living at home with my parents because I have spent so much money on attorneys trying to keep the boys out of that situation. I'm miserable at my parent's. I don't have the cash to move out at the moment. Dustin is smoking despite my repeated trying to talk to him about it and why he should not be smoking. Myles has a giant ship on his shoulder and does nothing but give me an attitude. Luke is picking up on their bad habits of talking back and he is getting into more and more trouble. I feel like everything is spinning out of control and I have no one to talk to about it. I want to just go to bed and never wake up. I know that sounds bad but that is totally how I have been feeling. Buck is lying to me again. I would love to just walk away from everyone and start new somewhere, but then I would need to have the cash to do that and I don't have it right now. I'm so sorry to vent here all the time and be so negative. It's depressing. I just wish something would go right for me for once in my life.
OK, off the pity pot. I'm going to bed, tomorrows another day. Luke starts 2nd grade tomorrow.

Rest in peace Uncle Dave

My Uncle Dave died today after a battle with pancreatic cancer. It was expected but I had hoped that my Aunt would have some more time with him. I don't know what she is going to do. Please lift them in prayer. This is so close to Gramma's death 3 weeks ago.
It just sucks.
So Friday we will travel to Kentucky for his funeral.

09-09-09

Have not posted much here lately. Nothing very positive to write so I'm just gonna give you all an update. Gramma was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer. She was sent home with no treatment plan. She had a prescription list that had I filled all the medication would have cost $1100.00 at Walgreens today! I did not fill them all, obviously! She only has about $1000 life insurance policy so I am so so worried about how to have a funeral for her with no money? She has no money, her kids have no money, and $1000 won't go far at all.
My MaMaw went home and has been doing good on her own down there. She was telling me that she is having a lot of pain in her heal so she may have moved the screw from standing on it too much. But, we will not know about that until she comes back up to see the orthopedic doctor later this month.
My brother is a proud new homeowner and we're expecting the arrival of his baby in February. I hope it's another boy. There is a whole other post right there, but I'll save that for another time.
Oh, and I told Buck that this is not working for me and that I don't think that we should be pretending anymore that it is going to. So, in my head, we are not together. But apparently in his head, things are ok. He is calling like every day like everything is normal. I love you hunny and all. I know that he completely knew what I was saying when I wassaying it. But, anyway, I brought home a bunch of stuff from his house today while he was at work and will be working on getting more stuff back here over the next week.
So, right now, I am just tring to keep my head above water and deal with things as they are coming my way.
"I can do all things through He who strengthens me..." (I don't know the exact verse, but love the quote)

Pathetic politicians

Seriously, I can not believe how people are going on and on about Michael Jackson's death. The same people who are 'mourning' his death today were throwing stones that he was a child molester a couple years ago. And, the mayor of Gary, Oh.My.God! Actually trying to persuade the Jackson family to have the funeral in Gary! What in the world is he thinking? I don't believe that Michael Jackson made all that many visits to Gary after he moved so many years ago. It is just embarrassing, and I do not even live in Gary. Where would they put all the people that may come for a funeral for Michael Jackson? How does the mayor think that he could pay for security for something like that, but the fire and police departments are understaffed. I work in Gary and seriously, it is not a place for a funeral of that magnitude. Any way to capitalize on someone else's tragedy. I hate that people are like that. And it happens all the time. Just pathetic!

Just wonderful

OK, so I broke down and took the cat to the vet. I think that the vet is a quack. He seems to think that Smokey has spontaneously developed allergies even though not a single thing in his environment has changed! His skin is not even red one bit where he has apparently licked the fur off. It's not terrible like the cat is bald or anything, but I was worried about it and I guess I just confirmed that he is fine and just maybe bored and over grooming himself. So, I wasted $70 for the vet to tell me that out of the blue the cat has allergies and that I can buy him some allergy pills for $65 for a month supply. And change his food because the food that he has ate for the last like five years is now maybe causing an allergy. Hmmm. Just great. Thanks Mr. No Explanation, I don't think we will be coming back to see you any time soon.

Pointless rambling

Not much going on this weekend. The kids let me sleep in this morning, which was really nice. Decided to stay in my PJ's all day. I am hopelessly addicted to the Farm Town game on Facebook and have wasted way too much time online today. Monday we are having a cookout at my parent's house.
In other news, I got Luke's results from the Kindergarten Roundup, overall, I think he did pretty good. He was average in some things, above average in others and on the lower of average on one assessment. I know not to read too much into these right now. And he is going to be placed in the afternoon class as I had requested, so that is good. It will work out so much better with daycare and having to pick the older kids up from school as well.
I made pork and cabbage last night for dinner, it was great! Today I made lime chicken in the crock pot...I really love the crock pot. I cut up a watermelon after dinner, I swear it was gone in about 5 minutes, I kid you not.
Oh yeah, I finally made myself an appointment with the doctor on Thursday. I was in the office for 3 hours! (Which is why I put off going there so much.) Of course, I had Luke with me and he was getting bored and tired of being there as I was too. The doctor actually saw me for about 5 minutes or less and then sent me to the lab for a blood test. We waited some more at the lab. When we finally got back there, Luke was standing by the wall because there was only the chair for the patient to get blood work done. I told him "don't touch anything" and the lab technician said "oh yeah, you better come over here away from there, there are needles on that table" well naturally, I about bit her head off, cause 1) I was sitting right there, 2) He was not touching anything to begin with 3) I already had it under control without her opening her mouth to tell my kid what to do when I was sitting right there. It just made me so angry. He wasn't touching anything, he was not misbehaving. So, I feel she had no business saying anything to my kid since I was right there. Anyway, I finally went because I have been very depressed, I have gained about 50 pounds in the last year (which is also depressing), I have been so so crabby and moody, my hair has been falling out so bad everyday that my hair is noticeably thinner, and I just generally do not feel good. Well, the doctor says that those are all symptoms of a slow thyroid. He ordered a blood test and I will find out the results on Tuesday. He also gave me a script for allergies, which is nothing new. Darn sinuses and allergies.
So, this weekend I am staying home and trying to relax and then Monday we are going to my parent's. My Mom has been bugging the crap out of me since Thursday about can Luke spend the night, can Myles spend the night, can Dustin spend the night! Does she not realize that my kids spend half their time with me and half of the time with my ex, so this is MY weekend. And then I have to point that out to her. Seriously, come on.
Maybe I will get some good photos this weekend. Well, enough rambling for now.
Until next time.....

Feeling down

I dropped my class today.
I was too far behind to catch up in the next two weeks. I could not focus on the readings, so I put them off. I could not focus on the assignments, so I put them off. I was so excited and felt such accomplishment when I completed the Associates degree, I thought my life was going to change, FINALLY. It didn't. At first I was so excited to start my classes toward the Bachelor's degree and now, I don't even think it matters.
I'm just so depressed right now. It sucks.
I wonder if I am just destined to be stuck in this place. It sucks. I just feel so miserable and like I have failed.
I have been crabby with everyone lately. I have been angry with my kids about so many things in the last week. I worry that the memories they will have will be of me being angry and not the good times that we have. But, more and more, there have been less good times and more aggravation and anger. I feel frustrated that my kids do not listen to me. Dustin tries to say and do whatever he wants, with no regard for what I tell him or ask him to do or not to say. He has anger issues and I know that his father has a temper and apparently I do too. Myles has a smart mouth. He also completely ignores what I tell him to do. I tell him to hang up his clothes, he goes to his room, comes out like he did it and an hour or two later, I go in his room and there are the clothes I told him to put away! It infuriates me! Luke picks up their habits and obviously only thinks that he has to behave when we are with his Dad. Is it me? Am I doing something wrong? I must be. I feel like a bad mother because my kids do not listen and I yell at them. I feel like I spend all my time yelling at them and not enjoying the time that we are together.
I just am not in a good place right now. I feel like I am stuck here and there is nothing that I can so to change the situation. I do realize that things are not going to change without some action from me, but what am I supposed to do? I don't know. And I hate that I don't know.
I have not been able to find a thing to be happy about. I am stressed on so many levels, I want to crawl in bed and wait for time to me pass by.
I just am not happy and I don't know how to fix it.

Worry, worry, worry and repeat

After a crazy, busy week I am looking forward to staying home this weekend in my PJ's. I have tons of homework to catch up on that I have managed to neglect all week. Now I have to work on that this weekend. I don't know that I will ever get totally caught up now, since I am almost two whole weeks behind and the class is only five weeks long. We shall see what happens this weekend. I am optimistic, but reserved about it as well.

My sister took Ma Maw home to Kentucky today. I have to say that I am sad that she has left. I always feel like it is the last time that I am going to see her and I hate feeling like that. I have serious anxiety about it. I do call her daily, but it is never the same as being with her and spending time with her.

Myles managed to step on a nail at his Dad's house and his foot is now infected. Dustin had hours of homework to do last night. He actually stayed up later than I did. Then, he did not finish it until this morning before we left for school. I also found out just tonight that the Middle School orientation for the parents is this coming Tuesday of which Dustin failed to mention. He doesn't feel that we should have to know about the Middle School, he's going there, not the parents. Or perhaps his father already knew about it and failed to share that information, which could totally be possible as well. Either way, I am going to be there Tuesday, because I want to know what is going on and it is my responsibility to know what is going on with his school, whether Dustin or his Dad likes it or not. It really is awesome that the school sends out emails of what's happening next week. Thank you.

And, oh, geez, the family drama just never ends. Did I mention before that I had not missed that in the time that I was not speaking to them? I'm sure I must have mentioned it before. Nothing big really, just normal family drama, you know, everyone has to deal with it at some time, I am sure.

I went to the grocery store for Gramma (the old lady that I take care of that drives me out of my mind!). I am so conflicted about the situation with her. I got suckered in to taking care of her just by taking her to the doctor one time, then she somehow became my responsibility. And, really I feel bad that she has no one else to take care of her. But she calls me several times a day (lonely), but I just do not have time to be one the phone all the time and it never fails that she calls when I am at work or totally busy. Then I have to find time to go to the store for her and deliver her stuff to her and sort her pills, pick up her pills, take out the garbage, pick up her bills, pay her bills, go to some doctor appointments, take care of the paperwork for the nursing home for her husband, things like that. Which is all fine, but I have my own family, two jobs, three kids, and I am attending school full time online. The kids are in sports and have practices and games and swim meets will be soon starting for the summer season for Dustin. I just do not have time for this sometimes, then I feel guilty cause I think well, just do it and not complain. What else can I do? Buck thinks I am crazy for doing all that for her with no pay, but she really has no one else to take care of her and she really can not afford to pay me. She is 88, almost 89 years old, so what else can I do? Suck it up and take care of her.

Well, I do not know how that turned into a rant about Gramma, but OK. I was actually wanting to post about something Luke did that just really scared me to death and I am not sure if I handled it good or got through to him, so I am turning to the Internets to help me out here.
OK, here's the story, I will try to keep it short, but can't promise anything. We went to Gramma's to drop off her groceries. Luke always helps me carry in her things, I put some things away and label some things for her since she is legally blind. Well, she needed me to sort some of her pills that she got mixed up, so I told Luke to stay in the living room, I went into the bedroom to sort the pills, maybe 5 minutes, but in that time, Luke went outside even though he was told to stay in the living room. We never totally close the patio door cause Gramma smokes A LOT and I can barely breathe in there and try to leave as soon as possible cause we both have asthma and when we leave, we smell like smoke which I do not like either. So, I sort her pills and go out to the living room, and Luke is not in the living room, he went outside. I look outside, I don't see him. My heart sinks. I call him and he says, "I'm over here Mom, I'm talking to Jim." Well, first off, why the hell are you outside and who the hell is Jim? Well, Jim flashes his US Census Bureau ID, but really I don't care who he is, Luke is not supposed to be outside, and he surely is not supposed to be talking to strangers. I not so politely told Jim that I do not care who he is, that Luke is not supposed to be talking to strangers and proceed to flip out on Luke cause 1) he is outside when I said to wait in the living room, 2) he is talking to a stranger, 3) this Jim didn't think to say, well, does your Mom know you are outside by yourself?, and 4) HE'S NOT SUPPOSED TO BE TALKING TO STRANGERS!!! I can not tell you how many times we have talked about this. It scared the hell out of me. Had this been some child predator or whatever, Luke could have been gone! And, we have talked about this so many times. I gave him the third degree, I whipped him over it (I know, some may not agree, but I whipped him), I talked to him some more, I told him that he could NEVER see us again if someone were to take him becasue he was with a stranger. His Dad talked to him about it some more. I was so scared about what could have happened. I was disappointed. I was so angry because we have talked about it so many times and I was sure that Luke would not do that because we had told him so many times. I was also angry cause why would that guy not say hey, where's your Mom or Does she know you are out here? That guy was just out there talking to my 5 year old!

So please tell me Internets, what would you do? Have you had similar incidents? How do you get this in your kids head that they can not talk to strangers that there are people out there that will take you? What am I doing wrong? Or right? Please give me some advice here, I am really needing it about this one.

Travolta tragedy

I am irritated with the media about the Travolta tragedy. I mean seriously, they just lost their son and every time you turn on the television, there it is about their loss. I really feel that the media should be letting them grieve and not be trying to speculate about his death or his health conditions before his death or their Scientology beliefs. It just is such a difficult time for them right now and I don't think that it should be displayed all over every TV station, news report, magazine and tabloid. It's sad that they lost their son and although some people will say that they put themselves out there to the public and they just have to deal with it, I think that is wrong. They are parents above all else.

Finally Friday!!...again

This past week has been crazy. I don't have time to write about all of it now, but all I can say is that I am so happy it is Friday!! I thought Friday would never get here. Tomorrow I am sleeping in and turning off my phone! Will update with this weeks craziness later this afternoon.

I'm going to need a glass of wine!

My kids are driving me crazy.
As I sit here and type this, Dustin is fighting with Myles, Luke is crying because they are fighting. I have said stop about a hundred times now with no response. I have even went in to break it up three times. I am never going to get through this weekend.
I am going to need a padded room for myself before the weekend is over!!
Seriously.

What is my problem??

I am stressing MAJOR!! I am so mad at myself! I always do this. I have finals due tomorrow and I am just today really working on them! What the heck is my problem that I can not just start early and not be freaking out about them at the last minute? I hate that I do this. I really did try to start early, but every time I sat down to write...nothing. Not a thought would come to mind about the topic I am supposed to be writing about. I blog, check email, surf the web, read blogs, totally waste time! But work on my finals, oh no, I can't do that until the last minute and even now, What am I doing?? Blogging about how I am not doing my finals!! I don't know what my problem is!

Ranting Again...

My ex husband is an idiot! We have joint legal and physical custody of the kids. Tuesday he let Myles stay home from school sick. Now, Myles will try to pull that everyday if you let him and you have to just tell him that he is going to school, unless he's obviously too sick to go to school and you can usually tell when he is. So Myles stays home from school sick, does his father take him to the doctor? No! Myles goes back to school on Wednesday. Wednesday at 1:00pm, I get a call from the nurse that Dustin is in the office and he has a terrible headache, can I come to pick him up? She said that she had called his father about 11:30am over the same issues and he said that he was at work and there was no one to pick him up from school! Send Dustin back to class. He did not even call me to see if I could pick him up! I went to pick him up when she called me. Then on Thursday, Dustin stays home from school because of a headache at his Dad's house. Does he take him to the doctor? No!! Now two days in a row the kid has had headaches that have literally made him throw up and he can get sent home from school, but his Dad can not take him to the doctor! So, Friday after I pick them up from school, I take them to the doctor. Myles just has a virus, got some decongestant. Dustin's asthma is acting up. The doc said that the headaches were most likely sinus problems and pressure, prescribed Dustin four (4) prescriptions.
Well, the deal is that their Dad is supposed to pick up the prescriptions because the insurance makes you pay 100% at the pharmacy and then will reimburse you 100% a few weeks later. Well, I don't have that extra cash to pick them up, so he is supposed to do it. And do you know that he tells me I should go pick them up. It's crap that he has to do it! HELLO, he makes 10x the money that I make. And it's not like he took time off work to go pick the kid up from school and it's not like he took either of the kids to the doctor when they stayed home from school sick like he should have. It's not like he took them to the doctor at all, and he can't go get the prescriptions!! I was so pissed off. He's an idiot!

Why I love the weekends...

A typical day:

5:00-6:00am - get out of bed, shower, get ready to go to work, etc
6:00am - Wake kids up and get them started for the day. Dressed, breakfast, teeth brushed, hair fixed, out the door. Does everyone have everything?
7:00am - leave house to take the older boys to school
7:30-9:00 am - have to be at work at one of my jobs, different day, different job thru the week
2:00-5:00 pm - it depends what day it is as to what time I get off work
2:30pm - pick up Myles from school
Pick Luke up from daycare somewhere in this time or do grocery shopping while waiting to get Dustin
4:45pm - pick Dustin up from school
5:00pm - Myles baseball practice
6:00pm - Dustin swimming practice
6:30 - Myles practice over
7:30pm - Dustin's practice over
Drive home, check homework that has been completed in the van, waiting for the other kid to get out of practice or school.
Sometimes we have dinner out, sometimes I still have to make dinner when we get home while the kids are getting ready for bed.
9:00pm - all kids go to bed
I do some homework, clean up the kitchen, do some laundry, whatever else needs to get done for the day
11:00-11:30pm - I go to bed to start all over in the morning!

On the weekend, Myles will usually have a game on Saturday until the end of September when baseballl is over. And Dustin will have swim meets thrown in on the weekends too. But on the weekend, I don't have to drive around as much. I also work on my homework a lot on the weekends. And of course, I am able to stay connected to the internet via laptop when I am not at home, which feels like I'm rarely at home. I'd really like a vacation from life sometimes. How does one go about arranging that??
No wonder I feel so stressed out all the time.

Another week, too much to do

Another LONG week ahead. I have tons of work to do, actually at work. I have huge assignments due for school this week. Myles has baseball practice and not one, but two games this week. I have to take the boys back and forth to school. Sheesh! I'm barely going to have time to breathe this week. And I'm already tired and the week just started.

Oh what a day...

Today on my way home from work, I notice that my van is making a weird noise. So, I go to the oil shop that changes my oil all the time (they are wonderful there) and all the guys are looking at my van right away and says "wow, you're leaking coolant". Looks under the hood and says "yep, you need a radiator." That's just great! Exactly what I did not want to hear. Damn van! Damn radiator! Damn Monday! Oh, it's not even Monday. What was I thinking? Long day.
I drive directly home from the oil shop, and find Buck with a terrible toothache. He's miserable. Poor thing, a toothache hurts so bad. And my van is messed up. I work part time at a junk yard, but my boss needs the radiator to make sure that the parts match up. So tomorrow, Buck is supposed to take the radiator off and I will take it in to see if my boss can match it up with something we have at the yard. But, if his tooth hurts too bad, he's really not going to feel like doing that. And I am going to try to get him into the oral surgeons, but tomorrow, of course is Saturday and I don't even know if he can get into the office for that tomorrow or have to wait until Monday.
What a great day.

What happened?

So last night when we got home from dinner, we played baseball with Luke, which he loved. I was taking some photos of him. Then B took the camera and snapped a few shots of me. OMG!! I look so fat. No, really, I do. I look all puffy. I could not believe it when I saw those photos. I obviously did not realize this. I mean I look in the mirror everyday when I am getting dressed and doing my hair, but to see me in a photo, I look fat. I don't know when this happened. And I don't know what to do about it. But seriously, I have to do something.

Needless to say, those photos got erased. No more photos allowed!

Really...What was I thinking?

A little over two years ago, my friend's Gramma called me to ask if I could take her for her Coumadin test. OMG, I wish I just told her no then! She is blind, so she can not drive. She calls me for everything!! I know that it must sound mean, but this old lady is making me crazy. I do not have time for this. I do her grocery shopping, I pay her bills, I take her to the doctor, I take care of everything for her! Her husband is in a nursing home. And get this, her daughter lives near by and does nothing!
I have said many times that I am not doing this anymore and that her daughter will just have to take care of her, but then well, her daughter's car broke down and she does not have a phone and a whole list of reasons that she can not take care of her mother! I swear I am gonna lose it if she calls me one more time this afternoon. She calls me when I am at work. If I do not answer the phone, well she calls so many times that I have to answer the phone to tell her to stop calling me. She thinks that I am just supposed to drop everything and come running over there when she needs something or wants something. And did I mention that she lives about 45 minutes from me? Well, I do not have time for this.
She is not my responsibility. I have three kids, I work two jobs, I go to school full time, I am in a relationship, and I DO NOT HAVE TIME!!! What does she not understand about that. I swear, she has no consideration for me. Just what can I do for her. I know this sounds harsh, but it's true. This old lady fully has her wits about her and she is manipulative. And I am such a sucker. I should have stopped this a long time ago, but then I feel bad that she has no one else to take care of her. But does her daughter feel bad, NO! Not one bit. So why do I? Why should I have to do everything for her when she has a daughter that lives around here and can help out, but there's a thousand excuses that she can not do it, but I am supposed to. I know that I am being taken advantage of, but then I still feel bad.
I have flipped out on her a few times and told her that she is not my responsibility and that I am not going to be doing these things anymore, and then she starts crying, "I know I'm a burden, I'm sorry. But I don't have anyone else, Bonny. You're the only one I have to depend on...." It just makes me sick! Today, well actually since yesterday she has been calling me like 100 times, because she needs groceries and she needs cigarettes, and her TV is messed up. I have said a million times don't wait until you are totally out of something to call me. I can not just run over there! But does she listen, no. She has no cigarettes and she is freaking out, and I don't have the time to go running over there. Really, I don't want to either. It is not my problem. She is not my problem. I have three kids. Three! I don't need this. And I have told her that I think that she needs to go to the nursing home to be by her husband, she won't even think about it. I think because they won't let her just sit around and smoke all day long. But, really, I am no relation to her, and her daughter does not want to take care of her and there is no one else around here to take care of her. It would be a different story if this were my MaMaw, but it's not!
Why should it be my responsibility? If she went to the nursing home they would provide her with meals, they would wash her hair, they would take care of her medical needs, she wouldn't have any bills to pay, and it would be so much easier for me. B has told me more times than I can count that I need to cut the old lady off! But then I feel bad. I am in a terrible situation with this and don't know what to do about it. But she is making me crazy!!

Ugh!

OMG! I get a phone call this morning. My storage shed was flooded from the storm on Monday! And I just get a phone call today. There was 24 inches of water in there. I had most of the stuff in plastic storage totes, but a couple boxes got wet and ruined, and then I got to the last two totes and they were completely full of water. Of course they had the boys baby stuff in them and photos and paperwork! Their outfits they came home from the hospital in. First Christmas stockings and outfits. UGH! I was so upset. I don't remember putting those on the bottom, but I was not the only one putting stuff in there.
So, I spent the day cleaning up that mess and moving stuff around and washing the wet clothes! Not a great day.

My oldest

I don't know where I'm going with this one. While scanning the old photos, my oldest son looks back smiling in almost every photo. Happy even. That's a rare sighting these days. He is so darn crabby. He's not happy about anything. It's driving me crazy. I can't believe this is my kid. He is constantly complaining about EVERYTHING. I swear everything. I try to do things for him that I know he will like or want, and he still manages to complain or find something wrong with it. This past weekend, he found a car model that was put up until he was older. Well, he wanted to put it together, so he needed glue and paints, so I drove into town to go to Walmart for what he wanted. I was only going for his things, and I had to go by the mailbox to drop some bills and he was huffing and complaining...This does not look like Walmart to me! I couldn't believe it! I drove all the way up there for him, and he's crabbing that I had to go by the mailbox! What the heck is wrong with him?? I really hope that this is just a phase he is going through. I mean, he is 12 almost 13. I realize that this age is difficult, but jeez, give me a break.

I just can't believe that this is my kid! Please whoever took my smiling first born, please return his former self.

Missing happy smiles, please return!