Where have I been?

     It's been such a long time since I have came to this place. So much has happened. I am happier. I feel like a stronger person. My children are growing up so fast. Dustin has graduated. I can't believe my baby has graduated. The school does not have mid-term graduation so he will walk with his class in June for Graduation, but he has met all the requirements for his diploma and no longer needs to attend class. He is looking for a full time job. He has a girlfriend who has helped him in so many ways. I have literally saw him grow up before my eyes. He is a responsible young man with a good head on his shoulders. I'm so proud of him. Dustin comes to me to talk about important things he is going through, this is something I could never before imagined happening. He has matured and I have also learned different ways to communicate with him. He hated me and everything for so long that this is such an answered prayer for me. CI only dreamed of having this kind of a relationship with him. 
     Myles is a Sophomore this year.  Again, where has the time gone? He turns sixteen in a couple days. My baby Myles is going to be sixteen. He is doing better in school but it is still a struggle to make him get up in the morning and go to school. He tests the limits I have set for him every chance he gets. I have to be all over him about his grades, and he is doing well. He is still getting used to having rules and guidance that he did not get living with his father. 
     Luke is in 5th grade this year. Wow. He turned 11 in October. My Lukey Bear is growing up so very fast. I sometimes wish I could stop time to slow down this growing up thing. His ADHD poses issues with homework and attitude that sometimes is overwhelming and I have a hard time dealing with it sometimes. It is a learning process for everyone. I wonder what he thinks sometimes. I wonder if my frustrations with him will forever change him? I am not the most patient person and sometimes it feels like I am exasperated a lot with him. I don't mean to be, I try to remember that he is just 11, and that the ADHD is difficult for him too, I try to also remember that he is my baby and that it won't always be this way. I try to hang on to this time I have with him because very soon his friends are going to become more important than Mom and Dad. He's not going to want to spend the weekends with his parents, he's going to want to be with his friends. It's a natural part of him growing up. I worry constantly that his ADHD will contribute to poor impulse choices. I worry that I am doing everything wrong. Don't all parents worry they are doing it all wrong?
     I am in such a great place with Buck. We love each other more than either of us could have realized. When I think of my future, I can not see the future without him in it. I worry about him so much. He's getting older and works so hard. He hasn't had a real check up with the doctor, EVER. He goes for the yearly DOT physical, but that does not include blood work, a prostate exam, things that a man of 54 should be having checked out. I worry that something will happen to him. I love him so much, I can't imagine my life without him in it. He is my one and only. Like we were meant for each other. I know it sounds corny, but that is what is in my heart. 
     Sorry I'm such a terrible blogger. It has been almost a year since my last post. I always say I'll try to be better about it, but then I always feel that there is nothing exciting in my life that anyone would want to read about. Maybe I need a blog project, a challenge, something. I'll think about it and maybe in the New Year I can start something.  Right now, I have too many projects started at home that I need to finish first. I am crocheting a bunch of granny squares for an afghan, when I go to Mamaw's in March she is going to show me how to sew them all together. I am sewing cloth pads for my stash and hopefully setting up an Etsy store to sell some if I get good at it. And then there is all the Christmas baking, decorating, cooking and then all the clean up from that. 
     So my blog project will have to wait a little bit. 
     I hope everyone is doing well and that Christmas is a happy time filled with family and love.

While I wasn't looking

I must admit...I really miss my children being younger. The teenagers are growing up so fast. Next year my oldest baby will be 18. He's talking of joining the military, which makes me so proud and yet scared to death. Also next year I will have two kids in high school and my baby will be in fourth grade! How did that happen? I look at them all and still see my little babies, no matter how big they get. It's wonderful and sad at the same time. They don't need me as much, which gives me more time for things that I've always said I wanted to do, but now I just want them to spend time with me, but they have friends and plans that they don't want to have family movie night anymore. It's been on my mind a lot lately, what am I going to do when they all grow up?
Eventually, it's just going to be me and the animals.
Maybe I will actually end up being the crazy cat lady...

Making Changes

Changes are hard. There is just something about stepping outside your comfort zone and changing the way you do things. I have never been one to really embrace change and it has not been my friend in the past. But lately I have been thinking more and more about change and I am learning to embrace it. I want change. I'm hoping that it leads to a happier, healthier, and more fulfilling life for me and my children.

I anticipate moving to Kentucky by the end of the year. Honestly...I can not get there fast enough. I am excited to start fresh someplace new. I want to have chickens, a garden, goats, and cats! Now finding the right place where I can have all these things, well that's gonna be a chore. I'm hoping that God just leads me in the right direction. I want to can my own jam and veggies.

I want to live simpler and happier. I want to be more self sustaining, less dependant on market. I have made small adjustments in some things that I'm doing. I realize that this is a slow process, but I'm working on it. And I'm enjoying the changes that I am making to live a more simple, frugal life. I have started making my own laundry soap, which by the way is dirt cheap compared to the name brand stuff I was buying, and this stuff works every bit as good. I was so stuck on the name brand, but after I got over that, I really do prefer the homemade stuff. I am using homemade goats milk bar soap instead of commercial body wash (with all the chemicals), I have been using a homemade shampoo bar followed by an apple cider vinegar rinse for my hair. And surprisingly, I like it. Without all the chemicals.

I have been buying organic produce and fresh farm meats. Also, I have been buying fresh farm milk, cheese, butter and eggs. I can not tell you the difference in taste and I feel better using it. I didn't even think that I liked milk until I started buying this milk. It is delicious. It keeps longer than store bought, it tastes better, and I know where it comes from. It may not be lifestyle choices for everyone, but I am liking the choices I am making for my family and myself.

Are there things that you do to feel you are making a difference??
Tell me. I want to learn more.

Reflecting

I have been thinking a lot lately about my Mamaw. If things go as planned, I hope to move closer to her. I think of how she is getting older and about a time when she may no longer be with us. I try not to think about that too often, because...well that thought makes me have panic attacks. I dread the day that my Mamaw is not a phone call away. I want to be closer to her. I want to be the one to care for her when that time comes, no matter how difficult she can be. I want to be near her and soak up all the knowledge that she has to offer me. I want my children to know and love her like I do. It has just been on my mind so much lately. I can't get there fast enough.

Good news

I got my hearing date for SSI in the mail today. I am excited and nervous about it. I'm praying that this will finally be approved and I can get on with the next chapter in my life. Please pray for me and my family. If this goes through, we will be moving and there will be lots of changes happening for us all.

16 candles on his ice cream

My boy turned 16 today! I can hardly believe that. It seems like just yesterday he was born. The time goes by so fast. It truly does. I never believed that saying until I had my own children. But, it's a fact of life...they grow up. He is anxiously awaiting the coveted drivers license and tinkering with his truck so much that I will be surprised if the thing even runs by August when he will be getting his license. He hasn't figured out the saying if it ain't broke don't fix it! I usually bake a cake for my kids on their actual birth day, but since Dustin doesn't like cake, I asked him if he wanted me to make him brownies or go to Dairy Queen. He chose DQ, so we went there after school, got ice cream and hot dogs. We ate the ice cream before supper. I will have a birthday party for him next weekend.
Happy Birthday Dustin, you'll always be my first baby no matter how old you get.

time for change

So this court case is still going on about my boys. It will be closed out in about a month and things will go back to normal, with my ex husband and I having joint custody and trading kids back and forth with me doing all the work once again. He still does not take responsibility for his actions and blames Dustin for everything. He lets Myles run around all over with no supervision and little regard for what he is doing. He does not make dinner when they are there, he barely cleans their clothes. He just gets to go back to life as usual and I am doing all the work. I am bitter. I am resentful. I am angry. I am feeling sorry for myself I guess. Dustin has decided that he in fact does not want to go back to joint custody with his father. He wants to stay with me, which is of course what I have wanted all along, my kids with me. But then I think what if he is just doing this until the next time he gets mad at me, then he wants to go back to Dad. I am more than ready for the court to get out of our life but the chances of something happening again with their Dad is certain to happen. What should I do??

Missing Luke

Luke has been visiting his Godparents in Southern Indiana for almost 2 weeks now and I am missing him tonight like crazy. He won't be home until this Saturday. Hopefully the week goes by fast and my boy will be home before I have time to miss him this week. That's what I'm hoping for anyway. I have other worries I'm facing too that just have me down and depressed. I just don't know why thing happen the way they do sometimes.

Prayers

Lord, please just watch over my family. We need you so much now and always. There is so much going on. I find myself barely hanging on. I'm trying to focus on my faith, but it is so hard right now to keep my focus on you. Help me, help myself and my family. Keep my boys safe and in your ever loving care. Please help me to help my children and make the right decisions for them. I need your help.

Random Thoughts

I am still so depressed about my Aunt's death and really, there is no one I can talk to about it. EVERYONE lost her, why should my pain be any different than theirs. My Mom lost her sister, my Ma Maw lost her daughter, my cousin lost her Mother, my sisters also lost their Aunt. So who is there left to talk to about it. I miss her so very much. I have so many regrets. I wish I had went down there when I knew that she was sick co that I could have seen her one more time. I wish I had just went down there! I don't know that I will never not regret that. I loved her and I miss her. I know that we all have lost people close to us. It hurts, I'm told it gets better, and there is a song I have been listening to, but honestly, I don't know if it makes me feel better or worse. I posted the song.

Dustin got community service for his curfew violation. 20 hours. I was actually happy that he got the community service and not just the fine, I think it will teach him more.

Myles I feel is needing more "Mom" attention and I just do not know how to separate my time between the kids, because I know that Dustin needs that attention too, I just have to go about it in a different way, you know, cause Mom is just not cool! I love them so much and I just want them to know how very much I love them and that they mean the world to me. Sometimes, I think my depression keeps me from doing as much as I would like to do with them. I'm trying.

I started my new medication and all I can tell is that I have a hard time falling asleep and then have a hard time waking up in the morning. I miss the old me. The manic me, the could just stay up and go, go, go. But the crashes, oh, the crashes, and the emotions. I don't know what is worse. the manic and crashes, or the medication.

My Luke turns 7 on October 25th. I can't believe he's already going to be that old, but then I say that about all my kids, Dustin will soon be 15 and Myles will be 12 in December. God, where has the time went? They were all just babies coming home from the hospital. I know all mothers have this feeling.

Well, until next time......

My PaPaw

Missing my PaPaw today. It is his birthday. He has been in Heaven for 22 years now. It still feels like an open wound that will never heal. Heavenly Birthday wishes PaPaw, I know you are watching over me. I miss and love you dearly. Not a day goes by that I don't wish you were still here.

Does it ever end?

I have so much to write about and absolutely no energy to get it all out! I have been a mess. I went to the Dr. she changed my meds, but of course, it has to have prior authorization, which could take up to a week. I have issues with my kids, I am so done with Buck! I've wasted 7 years on him, WHY? I feel so tired all the time and can't seem to make myself do anything. I just can not seem to get out of this funk and I don't know what to do. Will try to update more soon. Oh, and I am now over 200lbs! Just great! I have NEVER been that heavy in my life, even after 3 kids.

Heavenly Birthdays

Happy Birthday Aunt Eddie, your first in Heaven. How I wish you were here. You would have been 50 today. I still can't believe that you are gone. There is a hole in our family. We all miss you so very much. I hope that you were dancing with the angels, Pa paw and Uncle Dave. When we all meet again, what a day of rejoicing that will be.

Funky Town

I'm in a funk!
I can not seem to climb out of. I have been trying to force myself to be more positive. Do more things, but I don't want to. I am happy to sit in the house in my PJ's all day, every day. I don't want to deal with all the issues that Dustin is having right now. He is on a bad path and all the talking in the world is not getting through to him.
I thought I was feeling a little better after the party for my parents and being around the family was good for everyone. But now, with Mother's Day approaching, I am worried about my cousins Becky and Randy too, this will be the first without their Mom. I can't imagine how that is going to be for them. I am thankful that I have my mother and realize that I should make her more aware of how thankful I am that I still have her. There are many people that read this blog that have lost their Mom, my thoughts and prayers will be with you on that day as well.
I have so many other posts in my head. Hopefully tomorrow I will be able to get out another. There is so much on my chest, I feel like it is crushing me.

This and that

I am feeling hopeful today. Hopeful about decisions I have made. Thankful for my family and friends that have always been there even when I was not a willing participant. Thankful for new friends and "sisters" to help me with my walk that God has planned for me. I guess for today at least I am feeling a little happy.

Strange, since I should be worried about bills. Always bills. Never ending bills. My house is a mess. My 14 year old has a girlfriend that I think is getting too friendly.

Mom & Dad renewing their vows

And since I never mentioned since it was a "surprise," we (my sisters, brother and I) had a surprise 25th anniversary party for my parents last weekend. It was so nice. My parents were somewhat surprised, you know our family can't keep a total secret, but they were surprised to see some people that they have not for a long time. My Mom's brothers and their families came from out of town. It was bittersweet since my Aunt was not there and toward the end of the evening, we too the balloon arch that my parent's renewed their vows under and released it in remembrance of those that were not with us that evening. It was bittersweet to say the least. We all felt her presence and her absence.

Sending Balloons to Heaven

But for today, I am hopeful.

91 year old WWII vetran....

How much more am I supposed to be able to take? I just got a call from the nursing home where the man I take care of is at. The hospice nurse seems to think that he is in the beginning stages of death. He is having some apnea, his pulse is elevated and his blood pressure is lower. His wife just died in October and I promised her that I would take care of him. I had been taking care of both of them until that point. I have lost so many people in the last few months. I just don't know how much more. I know God never gives you more than you can handle, but really?? There really is no other family and I have been taking care of them for four years now. I don't want to go through this again so soon. I know that you never know for sure when someone is going to die, but I am getting ready to go up there and sit with him. I don't want him to be alone.

More thoughts

My Mom went this week to pick my Ma Maw up from Kentucky. She has a couple doctor appointments up here and my nephews birthday party and some other things going on. So she will be up here back and forth between my house, my Mom's, and my sister's. Now, I know that I have complained about my Ma Maw in the past when we were in the middle of all the care after her surgery and she was crabby and getting homesick. I don't blame her, even I feel better at her house. It's home.
Anyway, with her being up here and my Mom being off work until she finds employment again, it had really got me thinking I want to be near them. I want to spend time with them. Crabby or not, she is here and I want to be near her. I want to be with her. My Mom, the same, crabby or not, I want to be with her. This is new to me. I have never had feelings this strongly about just being by my Mom.
I know that the past few months of this loss has made me more thankful for my family and for my Ma Maw and Mom. I still have them here with me. I can still pick up the phone and call. That is not true for everyone. Not true for my cousin who lost her mother.
So, I am thankful Lord, very thankful that I still have my Ma Maw and my Mom. Thank you.

Some days are harder than others

I keep going to my Aunt's Facebook page. I don't know what I am looking for there. She is not posting anything since she is no longer here. But yet I keep going to look as if there's going to be something new there. I see her face and all the photos she has posted that I took of her at one point or another. I remember her that way and not of the photos of her in the hospital that were sent so that the rest of the family could see her condition (I have deleted those from my phone). I miss her. I would call her a lot. Apparently more than I realized because I catch myself sometimes dialing her number to talk to her. My cousin is there but I can not possibly burden her with how much I am missing her mother. I talk a lot to my Ma Maw, but she lost her daughter. And so it just sits there in my heart and in my thoughts. Tomorrow will be one month since she passed away. I miss her.

I love you and miss you so very much. I know you are resting in peace with angels.

Purging my thoughts

Luke was on Spring break last week from school. I kept him home from daycare a couple days and let him go to work with me to spend some Mommy time with him. The older boys are going to be on Spring break this week. I have been trying to be more positive with my thoughts. I rescheduled my appointment with Dr. Shrink twice already. I need to get in there. I also need to get my blood pressure rechecked since I have not been there in about 8 months, they just keep refilling my medication. Oh, and the iron level has never been rechecked either. These are going to be goals I have this week to get myself in both places. I found a place that will spay/neuter the dog for more than $200 cheaper than my vet. It is through the Humane Society. I have to drive a little farther to take her there, but it's worth saving the $200. My Mom found out last week that as of March 31st she is not going to have a job and is freaking out about it a little, which is completely understandable.
My Ma Maw will be up here next month for a recheck of her foot and an appointment at the Cardiologist she saw up here. He had said before her surgery that she had a small blockage, so we will see what happens with that. Even though she aggervates sometimes, I miss her and look forward to her coming. She will spend most of the time between my sister and my house.

Blah

I haven't had much to say lately. Burying my Aunt was hard on our family. I call her daughter, my cousin, and get voicemail that is her voice. Twice I have called back just to hear it again. Much other than that, things have been quiet or rather, the same here. I have been checking blogs, just have not had much to say. I'm falling in a funk, and I need to find a way out. I intend to do some spring cleaning this weekend, since it is supposed to get colder again.
Until next time...