Reflecting

I have been thinking a lot lately about my Mamaw. If things go as planned, I hope to move closer to her. I think of how she is getting older and about a time when she may no longer be with us. I try not to think about that too often, because...well that thought makes me have panic attacks. I dread the day that my Mamaw is not a phone call away. I want to be closer to her. I want to be the one to care for her when that time comes, no matter how difficult she can be. I want to be near her and soak up all the knowledge that she has to offer me. I want my children to know and love her like I do. It has just been on my mind so much lately. I can't get there fast enough.

9/11 Remembered

As the 10th Anniversary of September 11 approaches fast, I am taking a moment to reflect on where I was, what I was doing and my thoughts and feelings during that tragic time.
My Tuesday morning was as busy as usual, fed my kids breakfast, got them ready for the day and headed out the door to take Dustin to Kindergarten. On the way to school, I had turned on the radio and Mancow in the morning was on, I was only half listening to it, talking to Dustin about school. Mancow was a joker, so when he said that a plane had crashed into the building, my first reaction was that it was a joke he was doing. When he announced that another plane had hit the second tower, there was a seriousness in his voice that was just out of character for the popular radio show. I turned off the radio and dropped Dustin off at school. I drove home with Myles and turned on the news to see the towers in flames. Desperate people, jumping to their deaths below. Calls of people calling their loved ones from their cell phone. I stood there in my living room, and just felt such utter sadness. I wanted my family with me, and my husband was working out of town. How could my husband not be with me when this was such a terrible time. Families needed to be together during this time. I felt such grief for the families involved. The families that would never be the same. These families would never hold their loved ones close again. I was saddened. I was crying for the people jumping out of the burning buildings that they were never to be rescued from.
AND THEN THE FIRST TOWER COLLAPSED. My heart sunk right to my stomach. I couldn't believe what I had just saw with my own eyes. The building just crumbled right there on television in front of me. Shortly after that, the other tower also collapsed. There was another plane crashed into the Pentagon, and another plane taken down by heroes aboard the plane that had no idea that they were about to be heroes that dreadful day. How could this happen? It was so sad. So tragic. I just wanted to be with my family. And my husband was so far away. I hugged my kids tighter. I went to donate blood, surely they were going to need blood for the survivors.
I stayed glued to the television during the search for the survivors, a couple pulled from the rubble, the rest casualties. No great demand for blood donations. Nothing. It was such a terrible tragic horrific day. A day that I will never forget.

Group photo shoot

We are going this week to get photos of all the Grandkids. 8 kids in all from ages 15 down to 1. Should be an interesting time. Hopefully they will turn out good. I will post some of the pics after I get them back. I'm excited, but I know it will be hard to get them all to focus on the same thing. We are going to a park setting, so there should be some great outside scenes.

My PaPaw

Missing my PaPaw today. It is his birthday. He has been in Heaven for 22 years now. It still feels like an open wound that will never heal. Heavenly Birthday wishes PaPaw, I know you are watching over me. I miss and love you dearly. Not a day goes by that I don't wish you were still here.

Going to MaMaw's

I'm leaving tomorrow to go visit my MaMaw. It will be the first time I have been back since my Aunt died in March. I am happy to be going "home" but know there are going to be many emotions when I go up to that graveyard. I've been listening to the song "The house that built me" by Miranda Lambert and it just feels like me right now. I've been feeling lost and looking for my way to whatever it is I am supposed to be doing with my life. There has to be more than this. So maybe some soul searching at MaMaw's is what is in order. I hope so anyway. I always hate to leave there so that will be teary. I'll get back right before the kids have to go to school. Good timing. I'll still be checking in and maybe update from the road(if we can get any signal.)

Heavenly Birthdays

Happy Birthday Aunt Eddie, your first in Heaven. How I wish you were here. You would have been 50 today. I still can't believe that you are gone. There is a hole in our family. We all miss you so very much. I hope that you were dancing with the angels, Pa paw and Uncle Dave. When we all meet again, what a day of rejoicing that will be.

I have so much on my mind, I feel like my head could literally explode. I have little energy for anything. I know it is this depression. I can not get into see Dr. Shrink until the 26th. I know that I am needing a medication adjustment, I just don't know what. I really would like to start jogging, but, that leaves me with the problem of who is going to watch Luke while I do that? I need to do something. And bills....at this point, I do not have enough to pay my bills for this month. I have to call my landlord and tell him tomorrow. I am hoping that he will be a little understanding and work with me. If not, then, I don't know what I am going to do. It just really stinks that I am 35 and struggling with money all the time. I have a degree in accounting, but have yet to find that accounting position. I filled out an application last week that I had hopes about, but have not heard anything from them. I intend to call tomorrow to check up on the application.
I am helping y friend out this weekend at a "Going Green Expo" at the fair grounds. Then Sunday for Mother's Day, our family ALWAYS goes to my sister's house for a get together. We have done it for the last 11 years now. I have to bring cheesecakes. That is her only request of me every year. So, I oblige. And lately, I have been craving being with my family. I don't know if it is triggered by how many people I have lost in the last six months or just something going on with me. But it doesn't hurt to want to be with them.
In other news, the giant puppy has taken a liking to chewing up shoes. She gave up electrical cords after being jolted, but she is loving shoes. Two pairs of my work shoes, Two pairs of Ashlee's flip flops when she was up here, and recently, Myles' brand new Nike's. Needless to say, I am less than happy about it and have yet to find a way to deter her from this. (Hitting her with the shoe in anger the other day did not help.) So, if anyone has any ideas or advice, please, do tell. And she does have plenty of chew toys and rawhide bones and harder bones, she's spoiled rotten, and still she chews the shoes! Then, I look at her and remember how badly I needed her when I got her. Mentally, I was a mess. But, I would like her to give up the shoe fetish.
And, Diana, I will be thinking about you this Mother's Day. I know how badly you will be missing your Mom. Love to you. And Vickie, your words mean so much.
Happy Mother's Day.

This and that

I am feeling hopeful today. Hopeful about decisions I have made. Thankful for my family and friends that have always been there even when I was not a willing participant. Thankful for new friends and "sisters" to help me with my walk that God has planned for me. I guess for today at least I am feeling a little happy.

Strange, since I should be worried about bills. Always bills. Never ending bills. My house is a mess. My 14 year old has a girlfriend that I think is getting too friendly.

Mom & Dad renewing their vows

And since I never mentioned since it was a "surprise," we (my sisters, brother and I) had a surprise 25th anniversary party for my parents last weekend. It was so nice. My parents were somewhat surprised, you know our family can't keep a total secret, but they were surprised to see some people that they have not for a long time. My Mom's brothers and their families came from out of town. It was bittersweet since my Aunt was not there and toward the end of the evening, we too the balloon arch that my parent's renewed their vows under and released it in remembrance of those that were not with us that evening. It was bittersweet to say the least. We all felt her presence and her absence.

Sending Balloons to Heaven

But for today, I am hopeful.

Welcome to the world Brynn McKenzie

I'm an Aunt again!!

Brynn McKenzie

February 23, 2010

12:33pm

7 pounds 8 ounces

19 inches

Congratulations Phil and Kellie. She is beautiful and I love her.

Two posts in one, cause I'm lazy today

I have decided against being a surrogate. As much as I would love to help a couple, I just don't think emotionally that I could do it. I couldn't just hand over a baby or two that I had carried the whole time, even if they were not mine biologically. And after talking with the psych yesterday, she really did not think it was a good idea for me at this time either. I feel guilty in a way that I have let them down, but I would hate myself emotionally if I went through a whole pregnancy and had to hand over the baby. I truly wish them well and hope that they find someone that can make them parents, I just don't think that person is me. Still, I am sad.

And, on another depressing note, my Aunt Edith who just lost her husband in November is in the hospital on life support for the last week. Yesterday they tried taking her off and within 10 minutes she was blue. I think I have said my last words to her and it makes me very sad. She took care of me and my sister a lot when my Mom was working when I was younger and I'm not going to have a proper goodbye with her. She was so depressed after her husband died that she just laid in the bed. She has her own health issues and I think that just made them worse. I don't think she is going to come out of this and I hate that I can not be there. It is very upsetting to me and being how I am, this makes me think about my Ma Maw, how will she handle losing a child? Will something happen to her after that? I truly could not handle that. My Ma Maw, even if I have complained about her, I emotionally am not prepared for something to happen to her and I don't think I ever will be. I guess I need to go do something and get my mind off this before I drive myself crazy. I'm sad, very sad.

Feeling down

I dropped my class today.
I was too far behind to catch up in the next two weeks. I could not focus on the readings, so I put them off. I could not focus on the assignments, so I put them off. I was so excited and felt such accomplishment when I completed the Associates degree, I thought my life was going to change, FINALLY. It didn't. At first I was so excited to start my classes toward the Bachelor's degree and now, I don't even think it matters.
I'm just so depressed right now. It sucks.
I wonder if I am just destined to be stuck in this place. It sucks. I just feel so miserable and like I have failed.
I have been crabby with everyone lately. I have been angry with my kids about so many things in the last week. I worry that the memories they will have will be of me being angry and not the good times that we have. But, more and more, there have been less good times and more aggravation and anger. I feel frustrated that my kids do not listen to me. Dustin tries to say and do whatever he wants, with no regard for what I tell him or ask him to do or not to say. He has anger issues and I know that his father has a temper and apparently I do too. Myles has a smart mouth. He also completely ignores what I tell him to do. I tell him to hang up his clothes, he goes to his room, comes out like he did it and an hour or two later, I go in his room and there are the clothes I told him to put away! It infuriates me! Luke picks up their habits and obviously only thinks that he has to behave when we are with his Dad. Is it me? Am I doing something wrong? I must be. I feel like a bad mother because my kids do not listen and I yell at them. I feel like I spend all my time yelling at them and not enjoying the time that we are together.
I just am not in a good place right now. I feel like I am stuck here and there is nothing that I can so to change the situation. I do realize that things are not going to change without some action from me, but what am I supposed to do? I don't know. And I hate that I don't know.
I have not been able to find a thing to be happy about. I am stressed on so many levels, I want to crawl in bed and wait for time to me pass by.
I just am not happy and I don't know how to fix it.

Just stuff in my head today

"We see things not as they are but as we are." --Douglass Fitch

I saw this quote on a blog that I read today and thought to myself how very true this is.

I am trying to get ready for Easter this weekend. My brother is actually driving down on Thursday to pick my Ma Maw up from Kentucky and bring her up here. I am so excited, I can not wait to spend some time with her. As far as I know, she is going to be spending Easter with me and my family, because my parents and other sister go to my other grandparents for Easter. I'm the odd one, that chose long ago to make my own family dinners with my children. So, I cook the whole meal and I hope that one day my kids will remember, hey my Mom used to do all this for us. I still have to find out when the Easter service is at church. I am hoping that there is a regular service in addition to the sunrise service that we usually have, but I don't know. Our church is so small, it is not enough people for a second service. We have maybe 50 people. Maybe a little more, but I'd be surprised if there is more than that. But, I think that is why I love it there so much.

On a totally different note, I feel like this has been a long week, and it is only Tuesday. I was so busy at work today and there was just so much happening there today, it was exhausting. A police officer that frequents our office, his wife is 42 and dying of cancer. I just felt so sad for him. He has just returned to work after a couple weeks vacation and he has some time left, but needs to save that vacation time for when he needs it most. But, how do you decide that? When is it more important to be with your dying wife? When things are really bad, when she is still here and you are able to enjoy the time that you have left? I could just tell that it was a struggle he had going on within. I did not know what else to say except that I was so sorry that they are going through this. I know, it happens, it is and has happened in my own family. I know many others that have had cancer strike their family. And every time, I can not help but feel so incredibly sad for others and for my own losses as well.

I have to work early tomorrow and then will have the rest of the week off until Monday. The kids are on spring break so that actually worked out good, except I will feel it when I get paid. What else is new?

Until next time....

Christmas will be here before we know it!

For Christmas I always bake some old family recipes with the kids. We do it every year. We usually end up with way more cookies and cherry tarts than we can all eat so we share with the neighbors and some families from church.
Another thing that we love to do every year is go through the drive thru of a fast food restaurant a day or so before Christmas and we pay for the car behind us and tell the cashier just to tell them Merry Christmas. This happened to me one year and I have never forgot it, so it is a nice feeling to do this for someone else. I hope that it has inspired someone else to do it as well. The kids always look forward to it and I hope that they will remember it and continue it when they grow up.
So Internet, what Christmas traditions do you share with your families? I'm curious to see what other people do to spread the Christmas spirit.

I will remember you...

I don't know what my problem is lately. I have been so emotional. And let me clarify, No, I am not pregnant and No, it is not that time of the month!
Today while I was at work cleaning up the mess left over from the three feet of water we had through the building, a man came to the gate that lives behind the junk yard in the neighborhood back there, if you can call it a neighborhood. (There are a few very modest, run down houses, but people live there.) My boss took this guy back there on the loader, which is the only thing making it through the water still standing on Chase Street and the whole area around it. This old man completely broke down. It was heartbreaking. It really was. The look on his face was just...heartbreaking. His whole house is totally under water. You can see the top of his house, but that is about it.
This old man has lost everything, because no doubt, his house will be uninhabitable when the water goes down. And these people that live back there are poor to begin with. He will never recover from this. He will never be the same. It just makes me so very sad.The look in that man's eyes, I will never forget. He was just devastated. I started to cry and had to go in the back to my office. I just can not handle seeing people when you know that there is nothing you can do to help them. I swear, I will always remember that mans face. He said he's lived there 55 years and it has never been this bad.
I just can not stop thinking about it. And God only knows when the water is going to go down. It sure isn't going anywhere fast, it's been a week already.

Family friends and so much more

When I started attending my church in 2001, we instantly became good friends with this family, the C's. They truly are a blessing. They are great people with big hearts. So, it only was natural that when Luke was born that they become his Godparents at his baby dedication. They love that kid so much, well, they love all my kids. And I have watched Heather and Ashlee grow into the best young women that I am so proud to love. These photos were taken when Ashlee graduated High School. It is so hard to grasp that they are all grown up now. No more are the days when they are calling wanting to spend the night at my house. No more are the days that they are coming over just to hang out. They are all grown up with busy lives of their own. Heather even has a serious boyfriend!

Luke seriously loves them so much. They are extended family to him and all of us.
Ashlee has became such a responsible smart young woman, it's hard not to see her as the sweet little girl that she was when I first met her.
Heather just started her 3rd year away from home at college. I am so proud of her, even though I miss her terribly. She is doing good.
This is Ashlee with all my kids. We love them and really they love us back just as much.

**Note, I could not find good photos of Mary and Alan, their parents, but we love them too. :)

Little Miss No Name

When I was growing up, my MaMaw had this doll. Well, she still has it. That doll was the toy that all the Grandkids and now the Great-Grandkids talk about. I used to play with that doll all the time. Dress and undress it. Carry it around like a baby. And, I have to tell you, I think that doll is probably the ugliest doll I have ever seen! Truly, it is. This doll has a burlap dress under the little jacket that my MaMaw crocheted for it. It's just creepy looking. Infact, when Dustin was young, he was terrified of that doll. He's not the only Great Grandchild that has been afraid of it either. But no matter how ugly that doll is, it is always a part of going to MaMaw's house.

Look at those eyes, tell me, is that not the creepiest doll you have ever seen? But secretly, I want that doll.

And then the music played

My favorite song of all time is Into The Mystic by Van Morrison. Whenever I hear it, I have to stop to listen. It is so relaxing to me. It's strange to me that no matter what kind of mood I am in, I can listen to this song and be a bit more at ease.
So, tell me, is there a song that does this for you? In the middle of your hectic day, you can hear it and it calms you?
Music really is theraputic sometimes.





Not sure if the link to the song is working, but am working on it. Well, actually Christina is helping me work on it :)

**Christina rocks!! She got the code for the song to work, so you can actually hear the song now if you click on the link. THANK YOU CHRISTINA**

Times Past...

It took me all weekend, but I did it! These are some good memories I found while scanning my photos.

Dustin was wearing my brother's football jersey. He thought Uncle P was so awesome! It's hard to believe that this is my grumpy pre-teen I have walking around my house now. He used to be so happy. I don't know what happened to him!

Same grumpy kid at 6 years old. I love the reflection off the glass in this photo. We were at Celebration Station for his birthday party.
Myles was 5 years old in this photo. He's the artistic one of the kids. He loves to paint, model clay, draw, anything that is artsy.
This is my Ma-Maw and Luke. Luke was 7 months old. This was the first time I took him to Kentucky. I refused to cut his hair until he turned 1 year old.
Luke pooping! He will propably hate me for this photo later in life. Right now, he thinks it's funny. :)

This was always something I made their Dad do with them. The pumpkin insides are just too gross for me, and by the looks of Dustin in this photo, he thinks so too!

He was so happy to be a big brother. I don't know what happened. Luke was brand new in this photo and Myles was 4 years old.

This is truely the coolest cake I have ever seen. I did not want to cut it. I saw it in a magazine and took it to the bakery and the lady made it, I just had to bring the candy pieces.

I think this is really one of the best photos of me that exist. I have found only a rare few that I think look good. This was 2001, Myles was 2 years old.

Christmas 2004. Another one that I think is good of me, although I am in my PJ's. Luke 1 year old and Myles 6 years old.

Thought I would share some that I found. There's more, but maybe I will try to incorporate them in a post.

Photos

Today, I am planning to go through old photos and scan them to the computer. I have been putting this off forever and now have an entire storage full of photos. I do have the actual photo, but really want them on the computer and onto a CD. I know this is going to take a lot of time. I'm curious. Have you put your film photos on the computer? Or just leave them be and start fresh with the digital camera?

No one compares to Ma-maw

Whenever I think about my life and my childhood, no one compares to my Ma-maw. I don't know what I'd do without her. She is the one and only person that I tell everything. She lives in Kentucky, about 400 miles from me. I wish I could visit more often, with sadness, we only seem to make it there about once a year. Our last visit was in February this year. The whole extended family made it there for a surprise birthday for Ma-maw. It was her 70th birthday. She was surprised, it was great. It's really hard to pull one over on her, but she really had no idea that it had been in the works for months. It was nice to have the whole family together. Sadly, I think that will not happen again in her lifetime. The next time we will all be together is most likely when Ma-maw passes on to her better life. She has many health problems and a degenerating bone disease that has plagued her for years. I try not to think about her not being here. I always tell her that she has to live forever! I so wish that were possible. The thought of her not being around literally makes me nauseous. I am closer to her than I am even to my mother. Well, that does not say much, since I am not close to my mother at all (very long story for another post maybe.) For years, she has been my confidant in everything. The matriarch of our family and I love her so dearly. When I think that some day she will not be here, it makes me panic. What will happen? The house that she has lived in and I have visited and considered more like home forever, will never be the same. Whenever I make the journey to Kentucky, it always feels like going home. The sights, the smells, the people, just everything about it is home to me.

This is the view from the side yard up the road. Nothing looks better to me.

When I was a kid, my sister and I would spend the summers there with Ma-maw and Pa-paw and it was some of the best times I can remember. We would visit my Pa-paw's brothers and sisters, some which have passed away now. When we went to my Aunt Pauline's house, we played with the pigs, got jolted by the electric fence and always were right back there again! Didn't learn too quick that the fence would still jolt us. We went chasing after the cows in the pasture. We were curious about the bee hives that we were told to stay away from but of course did not listen. And then there were all the dogs lying around under the porch. Never a shortage of dogs. We played in this creek right behind their house with the crawdads.

We tied strings to June bugs until their legs all came off. The poor bugs. We caught jars full of lightening bugs. They let us play in the rain. We went into town to the Dollar Store and it was always a treat to get new crayons and coloring books. We went to the Drug Store where we could get ice cream at the counter. My Ma-maw would send us outside to play and when we would run in and out after we were told not to, she would lock us outside! And these are some of the best, most cherished memories that I have. My Pa-paw died when I was 12 years old. I have many fond memories of him too. We built this bird house together and I got to hammer the nails!

This photo of my Pa-paw was taken sometime in the 80's before he passsed away.

He even held the nails. And, after all these years, it is still there. I think of that day every time I see this bird house. There are so many memories there. When I am there it seems as if I have been transformed into another place and time in my life. I'm glad that my kids are getting to know my Ma-maw, because as much as I hate it, I know that she will not always be here. I know that she will not live forever, even though I can still hope for that! I hope that some day, my children have these wonderful memories of going to Kentucky, and will then realize why I make them leave the Playstation at home!