Now we wait...I hate waiting

So we went to court yesterday. The judge will have a meeting with Myles next week and then make her ruling about the custody arrangement. I am so nervous about it. I have been going crazy with all of it. I just want what is best for all my boys. It's sad that their father is so uninvolved in their lives but still wants the control. It is a matter of control, not just over the kids but over me as well. I hate that he does not put their best interests first. It makes me angry. And now I just wait to see what is going to happen. I'm hopeful, but really, I have no faith in the legal system. If it were as it should be, we would have never got joint custody to begin with due to his violent nature and domestic violence. Please keep us in your prayers during this time.

To be determined...

I've had so much on my mind lately, I really haven't felt myself. My medication has been changed several time trying to get things in balance, but I'm struggling with it. I have had constant fear and panic since the boys were in their accident. I'm so overwhelmingly paranoid that something is going to happen to them when they are not with me. I am constantly worrying about them even more so than before the accident and I'm driving myself crazy with it.
This week I have a court hearing with their father because I filed for full custody, rather than the joint custody that we have currently and I'm so worried about it, it is making me a basket of nerves. I'm hoping and praying that things go well in court, and that I will get the full custody but he has an attorney and I do not and you just never know how those things will go. I really hope with all the evidence and testimony that I have that the judge will finally see how things really are, but I'm going to be going crazy about it until Tuesday. Please say a prayer for me that things will be okay. Right now, I'm just trying to stay calm and totally failing at it.
Dustin celebrated his 17th birthday yesterday, I can not even believe that he's that old. I look at him and still see my little baby. I don't know why they grow up so fast. I'm so proud and lucky to be his Mom.
Until next time...

There is just only so much I can take! Does that make you a big man doing that to your children? Feeling better? You Jackass! I hope and pray that something good comes out of this. God please look over my family.

Please...drive me crazy

OK, so about my crazy week!

Last weekend, on Friday, Myles decided to swallow a quarter. Yep, you read that right a quarter! He swallowed it. I went into how he IS almost 10 years old and how many times have I told him not to put things in his mouth since he was little, but he had of course, already swallowed the quarter. Well, on Saturday, Myles is throwing up most of the day, dinner that we had before he had swallowed the quarter, so I get nervous about it being stuck and take him to the emergency room. They took an x-ray, the quarter was in his stomach and they said to bring him back in 2 to 3 days for another x-ray to see where it is at. So, I keep asking him if he has pooped it out. Like three times, he tells me he thinks he did. Well, it was only one quarter and he does not know if he pooped it out, and he couldn't have pooped it out three times!!. I'm tired of asking him if he's pooped out the quarter by then.

Tuesday, their father calls me at work, says that Dustin is in the nurses office at school, he's itching, maybe from the chlorine at the pool since he has started swimming again. But he's in the nurses office itching and wants someone to come get him. He says he is going to leave work to go get him. In the mean time, the ER radiology calls me to say that it looked like the quarter was lodged and want Myles to come back for another x-ray. I call the ex, tell him, since he is going to go pick up Dustin from school. Could he take Myles for the x-ray?

He sends his wife to go get Dustin, cause God forbid that he actually have to do anything for his kid, like go pick him up from school. And he did not want me to go get him on his day. Well, anyway, they don't get Dustin the Aquaphor for his itching like I said to get him that used to be prescribed for him for dry skin, but give him an oatmeal bath instead. No one takes Myles for the x-ray like the radiology department says, because apparently their father has now got a PhD that I was unaware of and the x-ray people must be wrong! I'm stressed out because they are with him and he is not doing what I would be doing with the kids and of course I have no control over that because they are with him that day. I hate that I have no control over what goes on with them when they are with him.

But, OK, so last week, Dustin did not get the best teacher conference...he has anger issues and well...an attitude and a half with most everyone when you are telling him what to do. And then the school counselor called about the same issues as the teacher, so I make him an appointment with his counselor (that he has gotten to take a break for the summer providing that he has no "issues" but apparently he has issues or there would not have been a not so good conference and call from the counselor), and when I tell him over the phone that we are going there, he HANGS UP THE PHONE ON ME!!! Yep, you read that right too. Hung the phone up on me and would NOT get back on the phone when I called back mad as hell. I was so mad, I was seeing spots. I knew that he would not want to go there, but to be so utterly disrespectful to hang up on me. OMG!! I was livid!! I was actually glad that I had to drive about an hour before I actually got there to pick him up.

I am stressed out. I mean I am doing the best that I can. I have two jobs. I am going to school full time. I have three kids. I am involved with the kids. I care about what they do, like I am supposed to. I am working my ass off and getting no where fast. I'm just so sick of it. Sometimes, I really feel like I could just walk away. I don't want to be me. I don't like being me. I hate my life. I hate the fact that I hate my life. I want my kids to listen to me. I am tired of dealing with everything.

And yet...

I know that I can not just walk away. I do not want to. They are my kids. But damn, it just really sucks right now. Everything.
Until next time and thanks for reading this long post.
Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated...

Tomorrow's another day....

It has been a rainy, dreary day here today. The perfect day to cook meals for the coming week and bake. Today, I made a big pot of potato soup, a crockpot of this wonderful chicken stew that I found the recipe for from another blog, fried green tomatoes, cut watermelon, cantaloupe, and put a crockpot of a breakfast casserole that a good friend sent to me. I didn't get much homework done that is due for tomorrow, but I feel like I got a lot accomplished.
Tomorrow, after church, I have to do some laundry, get my assignments done and hopefully relax a little before beginning another busy week.
There has been a lot on my mind today, the argument with the ex about the boys medication, which still has not got picked up and I can not afford to just go get. There is a really long story there. A dear friend of mine is going through a hard time and I have not heard from her. She has been on my mind. I really would love to take off to Kentucky to be by my MaMaw, but that is nearly impossible with gas prices and I can not afford to take off work right now. I am behind on a couple bills. I'm just feeling depressed today. Tomorrow's another day. Hopefully I will be feeling a little brighter tomorrow.
Until next time...

Ranting Again...

My ex husband is an idiot! We have joint legal and physical custody of the kids. Tuesday he let Myles stay home from school sick. Now, Myles will try to pull that everyday if you let him and you have to just tell him that he is going to school, unless he's obviously too sick to go to school and you can usually tell when he is. So Myles stays home from school sick, does his father take him to the doctor? No! Myles goes back to school on Wednesday. Wednesday at 1:00pm, I get a call from the nurse that Dustin is in the office and he has a terrible headache, can I come to pick him up? She said that she had called his father about 11:30am over the same issues and he said that he was at work and there was no one to pick him up from school! Send Dustin back to class. He did not even call me to see if I could pick him up! I went to pick him up when she called me. Then on Thursday, Dustin stays home from school because of a headache at his Dad's house. Does he take him to the doctor? No!! Now two days in a row the kid has had headaches that have literally made him throw up and he can get sent home from school, but his Dad can not take him to the doctor! So, Friday after I pick them up from school, I take them to the doctor. Myles just has a virus, got some decongestant. Dustin's asthma is acting up. The doc said that the headaches were most likely sinus problems and pressure, prescribed Dustin four (4) prescriptions.
Well, the deal is that their Dad is supposed to pick up the prescriptions because the insurance makes you pay 100% at the pharmacy and then will reimburse you 100% a few weeks later. Well, I don't have that extra cash to pick them up, so he is supposed to do it. And do you know that he tells me I should go pick them up. It's crap that he has to do it! HELLO, he makes 10x the money that I make. And it's not like he took time off work to go pick the kid up from school and it's not like he took either of the kids to the doctor when they stayed home from school sick like he should have. It's not like he took them to the doctor at all, and he can't go get the prescriptions!! I was so pissed off. He's an idiot!

Life happenings...

More background info before I move on with the current life happenings.

In 2002, I filed for divorce from S. This did not come as an easy decision but one that I felt was best for my boys and myself included. I do not know if this was the right thing, but I could not watch my kids growing up in such a toxic home environment. We were fighting regularly and the bickering never ended. It was not how I wanted my kids to grow up. I did not want them to think that was how a marriage was supposed to be and I did not want them to grow up to fight with their spouse like we were fighting in front of them.

In 2003, in the middle of my divorce and custody fight, I was unexpectedly pregnant. Not a very opportune time to get pregnant, but I did nonetheless. The father, well let's just say that he was not the best candidate for fatherhood and by my choice, has not been involved. It really is for the best. My 3rd son, L was born in 2004. I was twenty-nine years old. This was a very difficult time in my life. I was getting divorced, I had three children and I was emotionally a wreck. My divorce went on for three long years, not ending until 2005. I was married a total of ten years and was with S for 14 years. I did not know what to do with myself. I had been a wife and mother for most of my adult life and now I did not know what to do. I was a stay at home mother the whole time I was married, and now, I had to work to support myself and the boys. Did I mention that even though S makes a ridiculous amount of money that he was not ordered by the court to pay child support because we share joint physical and legal custody? It's true, no child support, but I am managing and it is rewarding to say that I am doing it on my own. So, I started working in 2003 cleaning empty apartments before new tenants moved in. The pay was not good, but I was able to make my own hours and take the children with me when I needed to. I did this throughout my pregnancy and after L was born. I had L on a Saturday and was back to work on Monday! Crazy, I know.

I worked for a well known donut shop for a couple years. Currently, I am working at a Bed & Breakfast and I also work part-time as the secretary for an auto salvage yard.

So, presently, I am working two jobs for little pay, going to school full-time online, care for an elderly lady, and have three kids. I feel most days like crawling back into bed and covering my head. I am hoping that all the hard work pays off, I complete my degree (I have two years left), get a job that pays way more than I make now, and am able to afford a house on my own. Currently I rent a small apartment in a small town. I want to stay in the small town. Also, I am in a relationship with a good man. We have been together for four years now. I met him when L was for months old. We have been together since. But that is for another post.

So this concludes the watered down version of how I got to today and my future posts will involve my present life with the boys and my relationship with B. And whatever else comes up along the way.

Until next time.