And my heart breaks

If I was a teenager, I would want to be with the parent that lets me do whatever I want. I would want to be with the parent that lets me stay up all night, not do my homework, not be after me about my grades, not care where I am or who I am with, not care what I'm doing, I have no supervision or guidance. I can do whatever I want. There are no chores.

If my other parent was totally the opposite, well of course I would want to be where I have more freedom and no one watching over my back all the time. I get it. I really do.

...But as that other parent, it is so hard to accept that my child only wants me when he can get something out of it. My sweet child only uses me for his benefit and then I'm kicked to the curb like yesterdays trash. It hurts. It breaks my heart. And yet I keep trying to do what is best for him although he hates me for it. That is my job...right? To keep trying and trying until there is nothing left of me, because it is what is best for him although no one seems to care except me. I don't know how much more my heart can take. I miss my sweet boy. I want him back.

Now we wait...I hate waiting

So we went to court yesterday. The judge will have a meeting with Myles next week and then make her ruling about the custody arrangement. I am so nervous about it. I have been going crazy with all of it. I just want what is best for all my boys. It's sad that their father is so uninvolved in their lives but still wants the control. It is a matter of control, not just over the kids but over me as well. I hate that he does not put their best interests first. It makes me angry. And now I just wait to see what is going to happen. I'm hopeful, but really, I have no faith in the legal system. If it were as it should be, we would have never got joint custody to begin with due to his violent nature and domestic violence. Please keep us in your prayers during this time.

To be determined...

I've had so much on my mind lately, I really haven't felt myself. My medication has been changed several time trying to get things in balance, but I'm struggling with it. I have had constant fear and panic since the boys were in their accident. I'm so overwhelmingly paranoid that something is going to happen to them when they are not with me. I am constantly worrying about them even more so than before the accident and I'm driving myself crazy with it.
This week I have a court hearing with their father because I filed for full custody, rather than the joint custody that we have currently and I'm so worried about it, it is making me a basket of nerves. I'm hoping and praying that things go well in court, and that I will get the full custody but he has an attorney and I do not and you just never know how those things will go. I really hope with all the evidence and testimony that I have that the judge will finally see how things really are, but I'm going to be going crazy about it until Tuesday. Please say a prayer for me that things will be okay. Right now, I'm just trying to stay calm and totally failing at it.
Dustin celebrated his 17th birthday yesterday, I can not even believe that he's that old. I look at him and still see my little baby. I don't know why they grow up so fast. I'm so proud and lucky to be his Mom.
Until next time...

don't ever scare me like that again!

     On October 27, 2012, Dustin and Myles were in a horrible ATV accident. Dustin was driving 60mph through a corn field with Myles on the back, they crashed right into a ditch. Myles was catapulted off the back and landed right on his face. He had seizure activity and was air lifted from the scene. Dustin was transported by ambulance to a local hospital and then transported to the same trauma hospital that Myles was air lifted to.
     So 2 of my 3 children were in this awful accident. Myles broke his jaw on both sides, his orbital floor on both sides, and his left cheek bone. He had surgery on October 29, to wire his jaw shut to allow it to heal. Even though he broke his face, he had no head trauma!, and no internal injuries. Dustin had internal bruising of his liver, pancreas, kidney and lung. They had angels watching over them I am convinced.
     I plan to put them in bubbles now, because I seriously might die if they scare me like that again! I am so very thankful that they are gonna be OK. Myles has the inconvenience of eating his food through a straw for 6 weeks, but he's gonna be just fine. No scars, no lost teeth, no head injury, no visible damage. God is so good. We are so blessed.
    

time for change

So this court case is still going on about my boys. It will be closed out in about a month and things will go back to normal, with my ex husband and I having joint custody and trading kids back and forth with me doing all the work once again. He still does not take responsibility for his actions and blames Dustin for everything. He lets Myles run around all over with no supervision and little regard for what he is doing. He does not make dinner when they are there, he barely cleans their clothes. He just gets to go back to life as usual and I am doing all the work. I am bitter. I am resentful. I am angry. I am feeling sorry for myself I guess. Dustin has decided that he in fact does not want to go back to joint custody with his father. He wants to stay with me, which is of course what I have wanted all along, my kids with me. But then I think what if he is just doing this until the next time he gets mad at me, then he wants to go back to Dad. I am more than ready for the court to get out of our life but the chances of something happening again with their Dad is certain to happen. What should I do??

what to do

I'm so depressed. I don't know what to do. My boys have decided that they want to live with their abusive father because he just lets them do whatever they want. I'm living at home with my parents because I have spent so much money on attorneys trying to keep the boys out of that situation. I'm miserable at my parent's. I don't have the cash to move out at the moment. Dustin is smoking despite my repeated trying to talk to him about it and why he should not be smoking. Myles has a giant ship on his shoulder and does nothing but give me an attitude. Luke is picking up on their bad habits of talking back and he is getting into more and more trouble. I feel like everything is spinning out of control and I have no one to talk to about it. I want to just go to bed and never wake up. I know that sounds bad but that is totally how I have been feeling. Buck is lying to me again. I would love to just walk away from everyone and start new somewhere, but then I would need to have the cash to do that and I don't have it right now. I'm so sorry to vent here all the time and be so negative. It's depressing. I just wish something would go right for me for once in my life.
OK, off the pity pot. I'm going to bed, tomorrows another day. Luke starts 2nd grade tomorrow.

Just checking in

Luke made it back from Evansville, spoiled as usual. He is lucky to have such great Godparents. School starts here on August 17th. I am so glad the boys will be back in school. The summer seems to have went by fast. I have some unspoken prayer requests. I am going through a hard time emotionally and spiritually and really could use the prayers. Things just never seem to get better. I know that is not the optimistic way to view things, but really, when does it let up?
My boys have decided that even after all that is going on with CPS and what their Dad has done, they want to go back to spending half their time with him. It has me feeling let down and really taken advantage of, because it's like they have a total disregard for what I do for them and what I continue to do for them. I don't want to be going through this again, and their father just does not see anything wrong with what he does, he never has. Nothing is ever his fault. I don't want my kids growing up with this thinking, but I see it in them some already, no matter how hard I try to teach them otherwise.
We were temporarily staying with my parents, but that is carrying over to the school year, which I am not happy about, but my Dad got laid off work and with my Mom already laid off, they need the financial assistance too. So, things just are not going good, and there are other things going on beyond my control, that I just have to pray about and hope that things turn out for the best. That is just a hard thing to do sometimes.

Missing Luke

Luke has been visiting his Godparents in Southern Indiana for almost 2 weeks now and I am missing him tonight like crazy. He won't be home until this Saturday. Hopefully the week goes by fast and my boy will be home before I have time to miss him this week. That's what I'm hoping for anyway. I have other worries I'm facing too that just have me down and depressed. I just don't know why thing happen the way they do sometimes.

Password

I'm about to go password protected. Please send me your email address for the invite. Thanks to all who read and uplift me during this difficult time and the more difficult things to come. I love you each and every one.

I'm so glad I got a dog

I have got to do something. I feel so depressed.
The Psych just keeps changing my meds which is sending me in emotional circles. I feel like I am spiraling out of control sometimes. She just changes another medication or adds another or takes one off. This crazy cocktail. I don't even know if it's working, but she reassures me I should continue with the meds. Most of the time, I wonder.
Buck. Buck. Buck......
I am still letting him see Luke but it is killing me. It kills me that he's calling everyday to talk to Luke. I don't talk to Buck when he calls, but just knowing that he's on the phone...
These are all things that he said "Oh, I don't have time for this" He has picked Luke up for some weekends, and I'm happy that Luke has him, but knowing that he lied and cheated on me and my son thinks that he's just great, it makes me mad. Suddenly, he has time now to be with Luke that he never had before or wanted to have for before, and really I think that he does it more for his own benefit than for Luke. It's so he's not completely alone all the time, and Luke worships him. It makes me sad. It makes me cry. It makes me angry.
I can't move on. I can't go back. I don't see the future.
I have prayed and prayed about this and I just don't hear any answers.
Realistically, I know that Buck and I could never be together again. I could never trust him again. I know this. But, my heart, well it just does not listen.
OK, enough of my pity party. I have some chores to do before I go to bed.

Two posts in one, cause I'm lazy today

I have decided against being a surrogate. As much as I would love to help a couple, I just don't think emotionally that I could do it. I couldn't just hand over a baby or two that I had carried the whole time, even if they were not mine biologically. And after talking with the psych yesterday, she really did not think it was a good idea for me at this time either. I feel guilty in a way that I have let them down, but I would hate myself emotionally if I went through a whole pregnancy and had to hand over the baby. I truly wish them well and hope that they find someone that can make them parents, I just don't think that person is me. Still, I am sad.

And, on another depressing note, my Aunt Edith who just lost her husband in November is in the hospital on life support for the last week. Yesterday they tried taking her off and within 10 minutes she was blue. I think I have said my last words to her and it makes me very sad. She took care of me and my sister a lot when my Mom was working when I was younger and I'm not going to have a proper goodbye with her. She was so depressed after her husband died that she just laid in the bed. She has her own health issues and I think that just made them worse. I don't think she is going to come out of this and I hate that I can not be there. It is very upsetting to me and being how I am, this makes me think about my Ma Maw, how will she handle losing a child? Will something happen to her after that? I truly could not handle that. My Ma Maw, even if I have complained about her, I emotionally am not prepared for something to happen to her and I don't think I ever will be. I guess I need to go do something and get my mind off this before I drive myself crazy. I'm sad, very sad.

Happiness?? Are you out there?

I have been emotionally all over the place lately. I feel in my head that I should start dating again. I mean, I'm not getting any younger. But in my heart, I just am not sure what I want. I don't believe that I have to be with someone to be happy, but is that what I want? If that makes any sense. One day I am feeling almost happy and optimistic. The next day I just want to stay in bed all day and not face the world. I don't want to be alone, but I am not sure that I want to be with someone either. And, then there is the fact that my older children especially are being very observant about what I am doing with this dating thing. Will they ever think that it is OK for me to have dinner with someone? I am worried about everything. I want to do what is right for the kids as well as myself. I just want to be happy and I want my kids to be happy. I want to...I don't know. I'm so confused. I don't think emotionally, I am ready for this dating thing. I wish I knew why God has chose the path he has for me. I know I am just supposed to have faith, but having faith is so hard sometimes.

Download

Please forgive me if this rambles but I have so much to say and really should be several posts but it's easier just to spill it all in one.
My brother's girlfriend....where to start there? As I stated before, she is pregnant. And she continues to be the thorn in everyone's side that will just not go away. So, this past week there was the whole Facebook fiasco where we were posting nastiness to each other but separate. Then my sister got in on that cause...well..that's my sister and his girlfriend is just a bitch. So the dilemma stands that no one can stand her and she is pregnant with my brother's baby..my niece or nephew. Please God, let it be a boy. (Whole other post as well)
There are issues with Dustin that I don't even think I am fully aware of yet. A few weeks ago, I found this whole plan he had wrote down on how he was going to run away. I freaked out of course, we eventually talked it out and then he went with his Dad and had more issues there and I had to go wick him up. Now, the other day after school, he had a lighter that he says his friend just came up and gave to him.... No reason,just came up and gave it to him. Well, I'm not stupid and I know that these things do not just happen like that and the kids with lighters are either smoking or setting fires, so why does Dustin want it, why did this kid give it to him, where did it come from since it id not just a cheap Bic lighter, this was an engraved Zippo lighter. And Dustin tells me he just wants it cause he thinks they are cool. I am just not buying into that. So why?? Of course, I spoke to the ex about it and as usual, he thinks I am over reacting to this. He never seems to find a problem with things the kids are doing.
I feel overwhelmed completely. I have to figure out how to be around my brother's girlfriend and not wring her neck or express my disgust for her aloud. I was told to believe that she is invisible, but somehow, I just don't think that is gonna happen.
And, what the heck is going on with my kid? I am trying to figure it out. I talk to him and he actually talks to me. Is this just having a teenager? I don't know.
Oh, and my relationship with Buck....I'll have to post on that later.

09-09-09

Have not posted much here lately. Nothing very positive to write so I'm just gonna give you all an update. Gramma was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer. She was sent home with no treatment plan. She had a prescription list that had I filled all the medication would have cost $1100.00 at Walgreens today! I did not fill them all, obviously! She only has about $1000 life insurance policy so I am so so worried about how to have a funeral for her with no money? She has no money, her kids have no money, and $1000 won't go far at all.
My MaMaw went home and has been doing good on her own down there. She was telling me that she is having a lot of pain in her heal so she may have moved the screw from standing on it too much. But, we will not know about that until she comes back up to see the orthopedic doctor later this month.
My brother is a proud new homeowner and we're expecting the arrival of his baby in February. I hope it's another boy. There is a whole other post right there, but I'll save that for another time.
Oh, and I told Buck that this is not working for me and that I don't think that we should be pretending anymore that it is going to. So, in my head, we are not together. But apparently in his head, things are ok. He is calling like every day like everything is normal. I love you hunny and all. I know that he completely knew what I was saying when I wassaying it. But, anyway, I brought home a bunch of stuff from his house today while he was at work and will be working on getting more stuff back here over the next week.
So, right now, I am just tring to keep my head above water and deal with things as they are coming my way.
"I can do all things through He who strengthens me..." (I don't know the exact verse, but love the quote)

Gramma

The lady I care for was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer this past Wednesday. It is not really surprising since she has been a very heavy smoker for years and years, but I was still in shock a little to hear the news. Sad too. I know I have complained about her on her before but I do care about her very much. She is being sent home on Monday with no treatment plan. There will be a visiting nurse, therapist, and home helper until we may need further assistance like hospice.
She just said to me that she wanted to outlive her husband who has been in a nursing home for 4 years. He is 91, but seems healthy for his age except he has Alzheimer's. I promised her that if something happened to her that I would still look after him.

School Starts Tomorrow

Wow, my baby starts school tomorrow.
He is crazy excited about it! I have mixed emotions about him going to Kindergarten. He is growing up so fast. He will be six years old in October. It just does not seem possible. But here we are on the doorstep of school.
I love you Lukey Bear.

Also tomorrow, Dustin starts 7th grade in middle school. He is not so happy about school starting. I am hoping that he has a better school year than last year.

Myles will be in 5th grade tomorrow. Wow.

Again, they are just growing up too fast. Sometimes I wish I could freeze time. There is a song called, "You're gonna miss this" I don't know who sings it, but it could not be true.

Some lines go:
"You're gonna miss this. You're gonna want this back. You're gonna wish these days didn't go by so fast. These are some good times...so take a look around. You may not know it now but you're gonna miss this."

Oh how that must be true.

I can never think of an interesting title

I have been very busy. This is the third week of five for my class. I am so not motivated for this. I have been slacking just like the last time I took this class. I don't know what my problem is with this class.
My MaMaw is doing well. She has a check up with the doctor tomorrow. He is most likely going to remove her stitches and replace the cast. She stayed with me last weekend to give my sister a break. OMG! She's a lot of work, but so worth it. I enjoy having her here with us.
On another note, my brother's girlfriend is pregnant. Found this out a couple weeks ago. It is still undecided how everyone feels about this since this girl has never really tried to speak to any of us and expects my brother to wait on her hand and foot. I'm sure since she is pregnant that she is going to be handicapped! That irritates me to no end. When I was pregnant with all my kids, I never expected anyone to wait on me. With the last one, I was back at work cleaning apartments two days after he was born and I had worked right up until the day before I had him. When I was pregnant with Myles, I was on the roof hanging Christmas lights. And with Dustin, we had bought the house and I moved, painted, ripped out carpet by myself while the ex was at work. Anyway...if my brother is happy, then I am happy. I am sure that she got pregnant on purpose, but the only thing that matters now to me is that my brother is happy and we are going to have another baby in our family. I know my brother is going to be a good father. He is so good with all his nephews and niece.
Nothing much else to say here. I am waiting for the weekend so I can relax at home in my Pj's.
Until next time....

On and On and On

So, My class started again last week. I am already struggling with the reading and assignments like I did last time. Emotionally, I have just felt drained and depressed. I do not feel that Buck and I are going to be together much longer. Luke will be starting school soon and we will not be spending as much time there and I honestly do not feel Buck is going to make the effort to come out here. So we are drifting apart. And really, I have known that this was going to come. It's no surprise to me at all, disappointing, but no surprise. It is what it is.
My Ma Maw will be spending the weekend with me next weekend. I really think that my sister is needing a break and I am more than happy to help with her care. I just don't know how I am going to get very much else done with her here. I started my classes again this past Tuesday and I am still struggling with keeping up with the reading and the assignments. I have to complete this class this time. I HAVE TO. This is the third time I am taking it, and it is going to affect my financial aide if I do not take it now.
I go for the second night of my sleep study this Tuesday and have the follow-up appointment with the Endocrinologist this Thursday. Hopefully they will have some answers for me.
Oh, and my brother sprung the news yesterday that his girlfriend is pregnant. So if Phil is happy about this then the rest of the family must be happy for him as well. And who does not love babies that you can send home? But, I sense that she may have felt turbulance in that relationship and after over 3 years, well her birth conrtol pills stopped working? I really think he should have had so say in the timing of that, but again, if my brother is happy, then I am happy for him. I hope we keep the boy streak going. So far out of 7 Grandkids, we only have one girl. We need another boy.
Until next time....

Updating

My Ma Maw's surgery went well. She is in some pain, but she looks great and I think that she is doing really well. I went to see her today. Her toes are straight on that foot. The first time I think I have ever seen her toes straight. She is in a cast now and can not put any weight on that foot, so she is basically stuck at my sister's house where someone is home all the time. It sucks really, cause I would like to pick her up and bring her home with me for a few days like we were doing before the surgery but I really have no way to get her in the house. So, for right now, I will go to my sister's to visit with her. But she is fine. I had so much anxiety about her surgery the night before she went in, I could not sleep all night. I just could not stop thinking that what if something went wrong? But, everything went good and I am thankful for that. I really hope that this will help her to be in less pain. Love you Ma Maw.

Intermission

A few updates
I have been very discontent lately. I'm not sure why. I just feel unhappy and depressed. I am trying to pull myself out of it, but I am finding it increasingly difficult. I'm sure that my meds need adjusting, but I have been unable to actually go see the psychiatrist since the insurance change left me with her not on the provider list and others had a wait. Now last week I call again and am told that she is on the provider list but she is going on vacation and will not be in until the end of the month. So, I have medication to last me. I just think that maybe we need to change the meds.
I am going for a sleep study at the end of this month. I am hoping to find answers for my excessive and very loud snoring that Buck keeps complaining about. He actually gets up to sleep on the couch or just goes to the couch to sleep instead of going to bed with me, which has also been bothering me. I know that he needs to sleep too. I know that he is a light sleeper. But still it bothers me that we are just falling into these routines that are in my opinion very unhealthy for our already complicated relationship. And, when he does sleep with me and he has been woke up by my snoring, he gets angry and shitty with me like I am snoring just to keep him awake or something. It's ridiculous.
I also have a follow up appointment with the Endocrinologist at the end of this month. I will find out the results from the extensive blood tests that they did. And hopefully they will have some answers for me and get me feeling better.
My Ma Maw's surgery is finally scheduled for this coming up Wednesday. I am worried for her but know that this surgery will improve her walking and hopefully relieve her of some pain that she has had from her foot being so distorted and walking on the inside of her ankle. Time will tell. She will remain up here at my sister's house to recover since she will not be able to put any weight on that foot for 6 to 8 weeks.
I start back with my classes for my Bachelor's degree on July 21st and I totally am not ready to do that, but I can not take off any more time without it affecting my financial aide. So, I must start again. I don't know how I am going to be able to concentrate on that with so many things going on and my mind is just not in the right place to start with new classes. I hope that I can get into gear with that. I need to. I have to.
I have been quiet lately, well at least where blogging is concerned. I have been feeling so negative about almost everything, and I just don't want to spread that negativity around. It's already all around me. Feels like it is swallowing me up. I feel like I am drowning in it.