Thursday, November 17, 2011

Test post

This is testing from my phone. I hope it works. Have a good day everyone.

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

I'm Unrestricted!! YAY

The case is closed. We resume regular schedules that we had before this nightmare started. I'm sure there will be many new issues, since Dustin is now staying with me exclusively, and Myles will be going back and forth with the schedule that we had before. I'm sure there will be issues. But thank GOD we don't have to deal with these people in our lives anymore. I'm so glad.
CASE CLOSED!

In light of that, I have lifted the restricted reader setting from my blog. Welcome back, if I still have any followers out there.

Friday, September 30, 2011

An awakening

I have came to such an amazing discovery. I no longer feel love for Buck. Thank the lord above! I thought I still loved him and was so depressed because I could never in life trust him again. BUT, really, I don't love him. I loved who I thought he was, but he's not that person at all. He showed me that, but still I wanted him to be that person that I thought I loved, but he just is not. Something just clicked. And I feel so free. It feels amazing. I feel such relief. Such a turn around. I'm optimistic as to this new found happiness. I hope it lasts. Because right now, I feel wonderful for the first time in longer than I can remember.

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

time for change

So this court case is still going on about my boys. It will be closed out in about a month and things will go back to normal, with my ex husband and I having joint custody and trading kids back and forth with me doing all the work once again. He still does not take responsibility for his actions and blames Dustin for everything. He lets Myles run around all over with no supervision and little regard for what he is doing. He does not make dinner when they are there, he barely cleans their clothes. He just gets to go back to life as usual and I am doing all the work. I am bitter. I am resentful. I am angry. I am feeling sorry for myself I guess. Dustin has decided that he in fact does not want to go back to joint custody with his father. He wants to stay with me, which is of course what I have wanted all along, my kids with me. But then I think what if he is just doing this until the next time he gets mad at me, then he wants to go back to Dad. I am more than ready for the court to get out of our life but the chances of something happening again with their Dad is certain to happen. What should I do??

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

9/11 Remembered

As the 10th Anniversary of September 11 approaches fast, I am taking a moment to reflect on where I was, what I was doing and my thoughts and feelings during that tragic time.
My Tuesday morning was as busy as usual, fed my kids breakfast, got them ready for the day and headed out the door to take Dustin to Kindergarten. On the way to school, I had turned on the radio and Mancow in the morning was on, I was only half listening to it, talking to Dustin about school. Mancow was a joker, so when he said that a plane had crashed into the building, my first reaction was that it was a joke he was doing. When he announced that another plane had hit the second tower, there was a seriousness in his voice that was just out of character for the popular radio show. I turned off the radio and dropped Dustin off at school. I drove home with Myles and turned on the news to see the towers in flames. Desperate people, jumping to their deaths below. Calls of people calling their loved ones from their cell phone. I stood there in my living room, and just felt such utter sadness. I wanted my family with me, and my husband was working out of town. How could my husband not be with me when this was such a terrible time. Families needed to be together during this time. I felt such grief for the families involved. The families that would never be the same. These families would never hold their loved ones close again. I was saddened. I was crying for the people jumping out of the burning buildings that they were never to be rescued from.
AND THEN THE FIRST TOWER COLLAPSED. My heart sunk right to my stomach. I couldn't believe what I had just saw with my own eyes. The building just crumbled right there on television in front of me. Shortly after that, the other tower also collapsed. There was another plane crashed into the Pentagon, and another plane taken down by heroes aboard the plane that had no idea that they were about to be heroes that dreadful day. How could this happen? It was so sad. So tragic. I just wanted to be with my family. And my husband was so far away. I hugged my kids tighter. I went to donate blood, surely they were going to need blood for the survivors.
I stayed glued to the television during the search for the survivors, a couple pulled from the rubble, the rest casualties. No great demand for blood donations. Nothing. It was such a terrible tragic horrific day. A day that I will never forget.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

what to do

I'm so depressed. I don't know what to do. My boys have decided that they want to live with their abusive father because he just lets them do whatever they want. I'm living at home with my parents because I have spent so much money on attorneys trying to keep the boys out of that situation. I'm miserable at my parent's. I don't have the cash to move out at the moment. Dustin is smoking despite my repeated trying to talk to him about it and why he should not be smoking. Myles has a giant ship on his shoulder and does nothing but give me an attitude. Luke is picking up on their bad habits of talking back and he is getting into more and more trouble. I feel like everything is spinning out of control and I have no one to talk to about it. I want to just go to bed and never wake up. I know that sounds bad but that is totally how I have been feeling. Buck is lying to me again. I would love to just walk away from everyone and start new somewhere, but then I would need to have the cash to do that and I don't have it right now. I'm so sorry to vent here all the time and be so negative. It's depressing. I just wish something would go right for me for once in my life.
OK, off the pity pot. I'm going to bed, tomorrows another day. Luke starts 2nd grade tomorrow.

Saturday, August 6, 2011

Just checking in

Luke made it back from Evansville, spoiled as usual. He is lucky to have such great Godparents. School starts here on August 17th. I am so glad the boys will be back in school. The summer seems to have went by fast. I have some unspoken prayer requests. I am going through a hard time emotionally and spiritually and really could use the prayers. Things just never seem to get better. I know that is not the optimistic way to view things, but really, when does it let up?
My boys have decided that even after all that is going on with CPS and what their Dad has done, they want to go back to spending half their time with him. It has me feeling let down and really taken advantage of, because it's like they have a total disregard for what I do for them and what I continue to do for them. I don't want to be going through this again, and their father just does not see anything wrong with what he does, he never has. Nothing is ever his fault. I don't want my kids growing up with this thinking, but I see it in them some already, no matter how hard I try to teach them otherwise.
We were temporarily staying with my parents, but that is carrying over to the school year, which I am not happy about, but my Dad got laid off work and with my Mom already laid off, they need the financial assistance too. So, things just are not going good, and there are other things going on beyond my control, that I just have to pray about and hope that things turn out for the best. That is just a hard thing to do sometimes.

Sunday, July 17, 2011

Missing Luke

Luke has been visiting his Godparents in Southern Indiana for almost 2 weeks now and I am missing him tonight like crazy. He won't be home until this Saturday. Hopefully the week goes by fast and my boy will be home before I have time to miss him this week. That's what I'm hoping for anyway. I have other worries I'm facing too that just have me down and depressed. I just don't know why thing happen the way they do sometimes.

Saturday, July 16, 2011

Testing the new settings

This post is to test the new settings and see if my invited people can still get to my blog?? Let me know if you get here.

Thursday, July 14, 2011

Password

I'm about to go password protected. Please send me your email address for the invite. Thanks to all who read and uplift me during this difficult time and the more difficult things to come. I love you each and every one.

Sunday, July 3, 2011

$100

I have to share that I pulled weeds at a friends house for $200.00. I have to add that I had help pulling the weeds and split the $200.00, so I got $100.00 for a full 10 hours of work. Honestly, I think that was WAY too much work for $100. It honestly was the hardest $100 I've ever made by far. There is no way I could have done that much work by myself. And to think that people keep vegetable and flower gardens as a hobby and pull weeds for their own enjoyment...there just has to be something wrong with that! So, we pulled weeds, picked up, and put down mulch...I took out 5 or 6 things that looked like weeds but actually belonged there. (I never claimed to know what I was doing) That was hard work. I'm sore, sunburned and so thankful that it's done!

Monday, June 27, 2011

Group photo shoot

We are going this week to get photos of all the Grandkids. 8 kids in all from ages 15 down to 1. Should be an interesting time. Hopefully they will turn out good. I will post some of the pics after I get them back. I'm excited, but I know it will be hard to get them all to focus on the same thing. We are going to a park setting, so there should be some great outside scenes.

Sunday, June 26, 2011

Busy Busy

So we had a busy weekend this weekend. I took on some side jobs cleaning and worked most of the weekend, and it's back to work tomorrow. So I didn't really have the weekend off, but I need the money, so it is what it is. I have an extremely busy next couple weeks. Luke has to get a physical for the procedure on his teeth and I have to work everyday and we are taking all the kids to this park to get more photos taken of all the grandkids and out individual families. I can't wait to see how cute they come out. I have the usual therapy appointments and the boys have visitation with their Dad and they have been getting out of control having this spread out over 3 or 4 days in the week. So I am going to have to put my foot down about keeping the days to a minimum. I feel like the are just trying to run every aspect of my life right now and I am getting very frustrated with the whole process.
On another note, Buck and I have been on friendlier terms. I still have him at a distance because he has proven that he can not be trusted, but I do love him. I probably always will.

Monday, June 20, 2011

Been MIA

I have missed blogging so much. I had some issues going on with my kids that preventing me from posting since October. So much has happened and still happening, but I am tired of being silent and the blogging is theraputic for me.


In October 2010, my oldest boy suffered a severe beating at the hands of his father. He was picked up by his neck and threw hrough the wall. DCS is involved and we have been going back and forth to court. It has been extremely stressful and demanding of time and resources. Although I did nothing to the children, I have to go through the parenting classes and individual and family therapy. We all had to have psychological exams and my son has to have random drug testing. I have been very stressed out and frustrated.


This has been a difficult time for me and the kids. I have waivered in my faith and felt alone in this. Dealing with DCS and the service providers is stressful. They expect you to drop everything and jump through hoops to comply with what they want with no consideration to the fact that I work and have to provide for my family while he is paying no child support and not doing anything positive for the kids. The kids are going for weekly visitation and family therapy with their father and each child has individual therapy as well. It is easy to see how people get fed up with dealing with these people and don't comply and end up losing their parental rights. And even though I did not do anything, they can still take my kids because they are technically wards of the state at the time, so I have to comply with their demands as well or I can lose them. And as their plan stands, the plan is reunification, which would mean that we would go back to having joint custody with the chance of this happening again fairly high, since their father has not changed his behavior. He was an abusive husband and now an abusive father. This just further perpetuates the problems that the boys have with their behavior and their attitudes in addition to the fact that they are 12 and 15 with atttudes anyway.


Sometimes, I just want to give up. Somedays, I just don't feel like going on. Somedays, it just is too much. But then think these are my kids, how can I just give up, even though they are acting out and I get all the bad behavior. Somedays, it is just too much for me to bear. And then, I get up the next day and do it again because I'm the Mom and they are my children. It's just so frustrating.