Wednesday, July 30, 2008


Today, I am planning to go through old photos and scan them to the computer. I have been putting this off forever and now have an entire storage full of photos. I do have the actual photo, but really want them on the computer and onto a CD. I know this is going to take a lot of time. I'm curious. Have you put your film photos on the computer? Or just leave them be and start fresh with the digital camera?

Monday, July 28, 2008

Movie Review!

I watched the best movie last night. PS, I love you!! I highly recommend watching it. Of course it is definitely a chick flick, but such a good movie. I rarely find movies that I like or have an interest in that are not Disney, but this was good. I don't want to ruin it for anyone, so you must see it. I wish that if a tragedy like that came to my home that I had someone who loved me like that. Although, it may have made it harder for her, but I just thought it was such a great movie.

Sunday, July 27, 2008

My final is finished!!

WHOO HOO!!! My final is complete! And it wasn't even due until tomorrow. Thank Goodness, I have aweek break between the next classes. I am so happy that I got it done today. I was really stressing about it especially since I was waiting for so long to really start any work on it. But, I can breathe a little easier until the next classes start.
Until next time.

Saturday, July 26, 2008

Generations Gone By

The Williams/Turner Graveyard. Kentucky.

To get to this graveyard, you drive up a narrow gravel road that passes someone's home. You have to shoo dogs, chickens and roosters off the road on your way. You drive through the cow pasture, up the hill. You have to get out of the car to open two gates, and close the gates behind you so the cows don't get into the graveyard. I have been here countless times as a child and many as an adult. I have wondered all over this place and I always find interesting things about the stones that rest here. This is the headstone of my 3xGreat Grandparents. My Ma-maw's, Ma-maw's, Ma-maw and Pa-paw. Did you follow that? I think that is what she said when I asked her about this. I wanted to get the name of the graveyard right. She said it was originally just Williams, but that the Turners had donated so much land that they added the Turner on later.

This particular headstone has always stuck out in my memory. The verse just so unusual. "Remember friends as you pass by, As you are now once was I. As I am now, you must be. Prepare for death and follow me." What does this mean? I have pondered this before and came up with different meanings. Whenever I think about the meaning that lays there for any passerby to see, I can not help but think, what was their interpretation so many years ago. What did they want people to think of when you see that on the headstone? What were these people like? Who were they? How was their life? Did they ever wonder these things about the generations before them? Did they really have time to wonder about the past generations? I can not help but wonder about them. I have some photos of them, these strangers looking back at me. And yet they are a part of my history, my life, my story. What were they like?

Friday, July 25, 2008

The youngest boy

I feel torn sometimes that I know he is my last child and yet I spend way less time with him than I did with the older two, becasue I was a stay at home mom then. I mean, L does not know there is a difference, but I do. He goes to daycare and although I know she takes good care of him, I would rather him be at home with me, but that is just totally out of the question because I am a single mom. He has to go to daycare so I can go to work. I have to go to work. And after work, well, I still have all the regular errands and chores to do around the house. I do not have enough time or patience to do everything I want to do with him. Mostly, I am too busy to think about this, but tonight, the older boys went with their Dad, and it was just L and me at the house. He sat right next to me on the couch and was playing the Gameboy like his older brothers do, and he kept saying look Mom, I am beating up the bad guy. I'm Batman, Mom, look. Look, Mom. He was happy to have all my attention and that I was not doing anything else, just watching him. I really wish that I had more time to just have quiet time with him. I feel bad, cause I am on the computer, doing homework, making dinner, doing dishes, yelling at them to clean up, get baths, go to bed... I never have enough time, and when I have a minute, well I am tired too. I don't know what my problem is today, but I am just really feeling bad about not having enough time. I feel like I am cheating him somehow. Don't get me wrong, he's happy. I just know that the older kids had so much more of my time that L has not had. But clearly, this is how it must be.
Until next time.

Thursday, July 24, 2008


I bought the best sweet corn today at this little stand on the side of the road. There wasn't even anyone there. They had the prices on index cards and a box to leave your money in. It was so cute. I definitly did not think there was anyplace like that left. I bought watermelon, musk melon, sweet corn, and green tomatoes. Geez, I love green tomatoes. I forgot how much I missed these things thru winter.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Why, oh why...

I don't know what my problem is. I can manage to surf the web, read blogs, start several posts for my own blog, check email obsessively, respond to posts, check Freecycle and Craigslist, but I have yet to start my final for this class and it is due this Sunday!! I stress and stress about my grades, I have a 3.79 GPA that I don't want to drop, and yet I procrastinate and waste valuable time that should be spent doing any number of things rather than being on the computer most of the day. What is my problem?? I can not seem to get motivated, but I will be freaking out writing this huge paper at the last minute. I don't know why I do that to myself. I do not feel that this makes me work any better and it seriously makes me flip out and here I am again blogging and not writing my paper. Why?

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

No one compares to Ma-maw

Whenever I think about my life and my childhood, no one compares to my Ma-maw. I don't know what I'd do without her. She is the one and only person that I tell everything. She lives in Kentucky, about 400 miles from me. I wish I could visit more often, with sadness, we only seem to make it there about once a year. Our last visit was in February this year. The whole extended family made it there for a surprise birthday for Ma-maw. It was her 70th birthday. She was surprised, it was great. It's really hard to pull one over on her, but she really had no idea that it had been in the works for months. It was nice to have the whole family together. Sadly, I think that will not happen again in her lifetime. The next time we will all be together is most likely when Ma-maw passes on to her better life. She has many health problems and a degenerating bone disease that has plagued her for years. I try not to think about her not being here. I always tell her that she has to live forever! I so wish that were possible. The thought of her not being around literally makes me nauseous. I am closer to her than I am even to my mother. Well, that does not say much, since I am not close to my mother at all (very long story for another post maybe.) For years, she has been my confidant in everything. The matriarch of our family and I love her so dearly. When I think that some day she will not be here, it makes me panic. What will happen? The house that she has lived in and I have visited and considered more like home forever, will never be the same. Whenever I make the journey to Kentucky, it always feels like going home. The sights, the smells, the people, just everything about it is home to me.

This is the view from the side yard up the road. Nothing looks better to me.

When I was a kid, my sister and I would spend the summers there with Ma-maw and Pa-paw and it was some of the best times I can remember. We would visit my Pa-paw's brothers and sisters, some which have passed away now. When we went to my Aunt Pauline's house, we played with the pigs, got jolted by the electric fence and always were right back there again! Didn't learn too quick that the fence would still jolt us. We went chasing after the cows in the pasture. We were curious about the bee hives that we were told to stay away from but of course did not listen. And then there were all the dogs lying around under the porch. Never a shortage of dogs. We played in this creek right behind their house with the crawdads.

We tied strings to June bugs until their legs all came off. The poor bugs. We caught jars full of lightening bugs. They let us play in the rain. We went into town to the Dollar Store and it was always a treat to get new crayons and coloring books. We went to the Drug Store where we could get ice cream at the counter. My Ma-maw would send us outside to play and when we would run in and out after we were told not to, she would lock us outside! And these are some of the best, most cherished memories that I have. My Pa-paw died when I was 12 years old. I have many fond memories of him too. We built this bird house together and I got to hammer the nails!

This photo of my Pa-paw was taken sometime in the 80's before he passsed away.

He even held the nails. And, after all these years, it is still there. I think of that day every time I see this bird house. There are so many memories there. When I am there it seems as if I have been transformed into another place and time in my life. I'm glad that my kids are getting to know my Ma-maw, because as much as I hate it, I know that she will not always be here. I know that she will not live forever, even though I can still hope for that! I hope that some day, my children have these wonderful memories of going to Kentucky, and will then realize why I make them leave the Playstation at home!

Finals Week

I have finals this week for my classes and it is making me a lunatic! I am always like this for finals. It's so stressful and it makes me crabby. I have three classes left to complete my associates degree, and although I am not done with those yet, I can not describe what a huge accomplishment it feels like. I am going to continue with the bachelor's program, so there will be more classes to come, but to finally get any form of degree seems amazing, considering for so long I was told I would never do anything! So, if I'm not posting much week, that's why, I am frantically preparing my finals. (And slowly pulling my hair out in the process!!) :)
Until next time.

Sunday, July 20, 2008

Going Public

Ok, I have officially went public with the blog. I have really been enjoying setting everything up and writing from my heart on a few matters. I think I can get used to this. There are a few blogs that I read regularly and I really have liked them, so I think this will help me. I have been having mixed feelings about it, but after reviewing with my Mom's Group, I decided to have this public blog and a private one that I may not want to put out there for everyone to read.
Thanks ladies.

Where does the time go?

Yesterday got me thinking about friends and family. It's incredible how things change over the years. You meet new people and lose touch with old friends. When I was young, Frankie was my bestest friend in the whole world! Our mothers were best friends so we did everything together. Frankie was the one person that I thought for sure I would always have contact with. He lives in Arkansas, I live in Indiana. A little hard to keep in touch that way, but we continued to talk on the phone every so often for years. The last time I spoke to him was about five years ago. Since then, he has got married, I have went through my own personal crises, and we have lost touch. I have his Mom's number but I have not called to check in for nearly a year now. Things are just so complicated and time gets away from you.

I was about six, maybe seven years old when this photo was taken.

Life was so much simpler then. I thought that Frankie was going to be around forever. I never thought that we would lose contact with each other. In life's busy day to day happenings, I don't always have time to reflect on how I feel about things from the past. Things I would like to change about the present. What do I want my future. Am I going to be able to pull it off and make my future what I want it to be?

I wonder if he thinks about me like I think about him sometimes? I miss him. Frankie, where ever you are, I still love you. I know we will talk again someday.

Until next time...

Saturday, July 19, 2008

Good friends...

I have been friends with Mike since High School. For 18 years we have been friends. He is the only person I actually still talk to from those long lost days of High School. He's such a good friend, probably a better friend to me than I have been to him over the years. He was always there for my kids birthdays, cookouts, and finally when I was divorced. The only friend that I still talk to through the years. The only friend that remained after my divorce. Today, he had a birthday party for his girlfriend. And although I did not necessarily want to go, I am so glad that I did. I loaded up the kids and we went even though I could and probably should have been doing a dozen other things. I sat and talked with Mike and his girlfriend, Bev. There was a woman there that I have not seen for years. We caught up on old times. I had some wine, even did a few shots! So unlike me! I forgot it was fun to be around people. My kids were wondering what happened to their mother. This person laughing and having a good time could not possible be their mother who nags them to do what they are supposed to, stresses over everything and is 'crabby' as they say. Who was this person they saw? OMG, I think it was who I used to be before responsibility got the better of me. I just can't describe how great it was to be there and I will have to make a mental note that it's ok to be more than Mom! Thanks Mike for reminding me that to be me is ok.
Until next time.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Free Hugs

I have watched this FreeHugs video many times. I think it is the greatest thing. People need to be more aware of others around them and be more compasssionate to strangers. This video touched me and I wanted to share it.
Until next time.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008


A little background first: just over two years ago, my middle son, M had an upper GI for a stomach ache and they accidentially found a tumor the size of a tennis ball in his lung. He had surgery and they removed the bottom lobe of his lung. The pathology results came back that it was a very rare form of cancer, myoepithelial carcinoma of the lung. Well for kids this is very rare and he was only 7 years old at the time. He's fine, he had the surgery, he did not need chemo or radiation, just the surgery took care of things, thank God! Well, he still has some abnormal lymph nodes and they are watching them by x-rays and CT scans every 6 months.

Ok, so on to what I wanted to say. When I took M for his check up this last time, we got there early in the morning and he got the x-ray and ct scan and then we went upstairs for our appointment with the doctor. Well, we were kinda really early, so we had to wait for the doctors to even get there. No problem, we played a game and he played the Playstation there and I read some of my homework that I needed to get done anyway. Well, as we are sitting there, other kids start to get there for their appointments, and we are waiting. So, this family comes in with their little boy and he had to have been about the same age as M. And this boy was so sick, he was so skinny, and he just laid on the couch on his mom's lap while they were waiting. I kept looking at them, and it was so sad and I felt so bad for them, and the only thing that I could think was thank God that's not my kid. Thank you God, that is not M. I felt terrible for thinking that and I am still feeling bad about thinking that, because that could have easily been my kid. The tumor that M had was cancer, they are still watching him for cancer, but he's ok. Thank God he's ok. I did not talk to these people, but I felt so bad, for the fact that their boy was obviously very sick and also for the fact that I thought to myself thank God that's not my kid. It was humbling. I mean I know that could have been my kid, but we were blessed that he's fine. I left there with a better appreciation for my kids, even though they make me crazy and get on my nerves, that could have been my kid. And I'm so grateful that it's not. When we left there, I took some extra time alone with M before I had to pick up my 4 year old from daycare. We had a good time and spent some time just the two of us, which rarely happens. Does it make me a bad person because I was glad that was not my kid? I feel bad that was what I thought.
Should I have spoke to them? I really don't know why I didn't, but I almost started crying in the waiting room looking at them, and may have started crying if I did talk to them. And I have not actually spoke those words out loud, because I feel terrible for having that thought. I just don't know, maybe it was some sort of sign for me to calm down and enjoy my kids more. I mean I have been in that waiting room and have seen sick kids there before and never thought like that before. I just had to get it off my chest, without actually saying it out loud.

**I made a post about this at the Moms group that I subscribe to in June when we had the appointment. I just thought that I should add that here to this post.**

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

My hunny...

I was working for an apartment complex cleaning apartments before new tenants moved in when I met B. Occasionally, the maintenance men would have to do work while I was cleaning the apartments. It did not happen often, but sometimes they would be there. Well, I was noticing that one particular maintenance man just happened to be working in almost every apartment I was cleaning. This was no coincidence. B was working in nearly every apartment that I had to clean. We talked, he was nice, but I was not looking to be in a relationship. I was in the middle of a divorce, I had three kids (L was only four months old), and I was not looking for a man. I had did not have a high opinion of men at that time to put it mildly. :)
So, we would talk when we were working together. If he was working in the same apartment when I was leaving, he would help me carry out all my stuff for the kids. L was still in an infant car seat at the time, so, on occasion, he carried out one of the kids. He would give L back his bottle while I was working. He really was a nice guy, but I did not think about him when I left work. About two months after he stared working there, one day, he asked me, "Do you date?" I replied, "No, I have three kids, I don't have time to date. Why?" "Oh, I was just wondering." I went home and thought about him a lot that day. He is a nice guy, but I have a bitter feeling about men and with good reason. A couple weeks later, he asks, "So, do you think you might like to date?" "Look, if you have some sort of personal problems, are an alcoholic, crack head, I'm really not interested! If not, then I'll think about it." "Well, I'm not an alcoholic, not a crack head, no problems here. I thought the art museum might me nice." "You do realize that D and M go with their Dad half the time, but L is always with me." "That's no problem, we can take him with. I'll carry him in the back carrier." "Are you sure?" "Yeah."
So, that was our first date, when he came to pick me up, he brought a lighthouse lantern and some flowers with a bunny on the vase. He calls me Bunny to this day. (Somewhere in talking at work, he picked up that I liked lighthouses, although I do not remember telling him, he remembered.) We did not end up taking L, his Godparents kept him while we were gone. He took me to the art museum. We walked around there for a few hours. When we left there, he took me out to dinner at my favorite restaurant, Olive Garden (also picked up in conversation at work, although I did not remember mentioning it.) We had dinner, a couple drinks, and then we went to pick up L and he took us home. We talked at my house for hours, until about 3am. And we both had to work the next day. It was nice. I was not used to someone being nice to me. And I had been given flowers for years, literally. When he left, he kissed me lightly on the cheek. He came to my house for dinner two days later for his birthday. I have to say that after a little drama in the beginning, we have been together ever since. It's been a little over four years now.
Until next time.

Life happenings...

More background info before I move on with the current life happenings.

In 2002, I filed for divorce from S. This did not come as an easy decision but one that I felt was best for my boys and myself included. I do not know if this was the right thing, but I could not watch my kids growing up in such a toxic home environment. We were fighting regularly and the bickering never ended. It was not how I wanted my kids to grow up. I did not want them to think that was how a marriage was supposed to be and I did not want them to grow up to fight with their spouse like we were fighting in front of them.

In 2003, in the middle of my divorce and custody fight, I was unexpectedly pregnant. Not a very opportune time to get pregnant, but I did nonetheless. The father, well let's just say that he was not the best candidate for fatherhood and by my choice, has not been involved. It really is for the best. My 3rd son, L was born in 2004. I was twenty-nine years old. This was a very difficult time in my life. I was getting divorced, I had three children and I was emotionally a wreck. My divorce went on for three long years, not ending until 2005. I was married a total of ten years and was with S for 14 years. I did not know what to do with myself. I had been a wife and mother for most of my adult life and now I did not know what to do. I was a stay at home mother the whole time I was married, and now, I had to work to support myself and the boys. Did I mention that even though S makes a ridiculous amount of money that he was not ordered by the court to pay child support because we share joint physical and legal custody? It's true, no child support, but I am managing and it is rewarding to say that I am doing it on my own. So, I started working in 2003 cleaning empty apartments before new tenants moved in. The pay was not good, but I was able to make my own hours and take the children with me when I needed to. I did this throughout my pregnancy and after L was born. I had L on a Saturday and was back to work on Monday! Crazy, I know.

I worked for a well known donut shop for a couple years. Currently, I am working at a Bed & Breakfast and I also work part-time as the secretary for an auto salvage yard.

So, presently, I am working two jobs for little pay, going to school full-time online, care for an elderly lady, and have three kids. I feel most days like crawling back into bed and covering my head. I am hoping that all the hard work pays off, I complete my degree (I have two years left), get a job that pays way more than I make now, and am able to afford a house on my own. Currently I rent a small apartment in a small town. I want to stay in the small town. Also, I am in a relationship with a good man. We have been together for four years now. I met him when L was for months old. We have been together since. But that is for another post.

So this concludes the watered down version of how I got to today and my future posts will involve my present life with the boys and my relationship with B. And whatever else comes up along the way.

Until next time.

Thursday, July 10, 2008

A little background to begin my story now

Since I decided to start a blog, I thought I should backtrack and go over my life a little to offer some clarity for those who decide to read.

In 1995, I got married my High School sweetheart, S, at the age of nineteen. We had a turbulent relationship long before we were married, but I ignored the many signs and married anyway thinking things would be better. I learned I was pregnant with my first child roughly a month after we were married. We were happy, but the arguing never did stop. Mostly it was that we were immature and were too young to be starting a family, but there we were. In 1996, I gave birth to my son, D, at the age of twenty. After having a baby, my husband became less important to me, as the baby came first in everything. I was the mom that would never leave the baby with anyone, EVER. Looking back, I can't say that this helped my marriage any, but at the time, I did not realize that it was ok to be more than a mom after I had kids. Of course, this was triggered by long term issues that I have with my own mother.

In 1998, I became pregnant with my second son, M, despite the fact that we did not get along, we were happy to be having another baby. I looked at this as a way to start fresh. We were trying to work on our marriage, I had started taking college classes part-time in the evening after S got home from work (which I later dropped), and I was optimistic about the future. We were going to be this happy family that I wanted so badly. I don't know what I was thinking, because we fought too much. I was more focused on my children and keeping my house clean than I was on my marriage. S pushed me around and lost his temper more often than not, I started to resent him more and more, I got angry at every little thing, stupid things, I realize now, but at the time it seemed they were not stupid.

Saying that my marriage was turbulent does not quite describe things, but that is the best description I can think of right now. We had really big blowups, things would calm down a bit,and then go back to how they were before. There was the everyday bickering that just became the norm in our house. I would be pissed off that he dirtied too many dishes! He did not help clean around the house, he did not help with the kids enough when he was home, he wanted to go out with his friends all hours of the night and I was always at home with the kids (mostly because I did not want to leave them with anyone) but I did not want him to go out either. He complained that I never wanted to leave the kids, he felt he did his part by going to work for eight hours, the kids were my job! Let's just leave it as we just could not get along and we each blamed the other for all the problems in our marriage. It couldn't be my fault! And naturally, he felt it could not be him. Of course hindsight is 20/20, and I realize now that it was both of us and we really needed to acknowledge that, but that's not how things went.

My biological father, C, was not in the picture when I was growing up and I have always had many different emotions regarding this through the years as I was growing up and even still to this day at 33 years old, it still bothers me that he was never there. He just was not there. He would show up about every five or six years and oh, he loved me, and he wanted to be my Dad, and then he would say, "I'll be back to see you next weekend." Next weekend would not come for another five or six years later. I would always be waiting the next weekend and he would never be there. I can not describe how that felt as a kid to be waiting for him and he would never come. My mother would always use him as a threat when I was younger, "Well, if you don't like it here, then I'll just call C and you can go live with him. See how he takes care of you!" Of course she would never just send me off with him, but somehow she thought that would be a good arguing tool when I was being defiant as a kid or later as a teenager. Don't get me wrong, I have a Dad, he's just not my biological father which is fine. I love my Dad. My Mom married my Dad when I was ten years old. He really is a good man. He was pretty much right out of High School, met my Mom, she already had two kids and he was right there. He never treated me like I was not his kid, even though I gave him so much crap in the beginning. Even after my younger brother and sister were born, he never treated me like I was not his kid. In fact, he cried more at my wedding than my mother. So even though C was never around, I always had a Dad and he's a good Dad, it still bothered me that C was never there.

Ok, moving forward, in 2000, I get a phone call from my mother that C is in the hospital and he is dying from lung cancer and now he wants to see me! Are you kidding me?? After all this time and he wants to see me because he is dying! The last time I saw him, I was fifteen years old and that was ten years ago, and like all the times before that, he had said, "I'll be back to see you next weekend," and he never showed up but I knew he would not come. And now he wants to see me because he is dying! At first, I said I was not going to go. I was married with my own family, my mother could not make me go. I had agonized over this and cried about this the entire day, and then my Dad called me, he said that he knew he was my Dad and that I loved him, but I had to go see C, so that I did not feel bad when he died. He told me it was ok to go, that he wanted me to go for me. After I argued with S about my decision to go, I went to see C at the hospital. It turned out that he had been living thirty minutes from my house with his wife and step daughters and the grandchildren. He never even tried to contact me. He knew that I was married, because my mother had sent him an invitation. He never showed up, never called, never sent a card, but he knew. And he was living thirty minutes away and never once tried to contact me. That was like a slap in the face, but I went to see him. I came right out and told him I was not there to ease his conscious, I was there so I did not feel bad when he died! I said those exact words to him. I cried, he cried, his wife cried. We talked into the wee hours of the morning.

I continued to go see C for thirteen days until he died at 8:54 in the morning on June 12, 2000. I can not tell you what that experience was like for me. I had struggled with my feelings about him my whole life and finally had the opportunity to talk to him and see who he was and he died. It was hard for me. Here he was never around for me and then when he was dying, I was there and helped to care for him in his final days. I think that by me being there it did somehow ease his conscious and give him a little peace in his heart. For that, I am glad. I'm glad that I did have that time to talk with him and learn a few things that my mother had left out all those years. After having many conversations with him, I think that my life was better because he was not a part of it. It does not make me feel any better, but I know in my heart that I was a better person because he was not in my life. Really, I do not think that he was a good man. He was dishonest. He hurt people that trusted him and inevitably, that would have been me as well, had he been around. I'm sure I did the right thing by going to see him, it gave me some sort of closure. I remember sitting at the church during his funeral service and the only thing I could think was that I would never see him again. All those years that he never showed up, I always thought, well, I'll see him again sometime, and this time I would not see him again. I still have a hard time with it sometimes. I can not explain why, because really, I did not know him. Before going to see him at the hospital, I could have passed him on the street and not recognised him. But there is still a feeling of loss there. I don't know if it will ever go away.

I bring up the subject of C, because this effected my marriage as well. Clearly, I was very distraught during this time and needed my husband to be there emotionally for me. That was not the case. S thought that by giving me a hard time about going to see him, it was helping me. He thought that because C was never there for me, I had no business going there now that he was dying. Obviously, I did not see things that way, and I still do not. I never thought that this was his call to make. He did not have to live with the emotional consequences if I did not go. All I wanted was some sort of support, I needed some sort of support and I couldn't get that from my husband. The one person who was supposed to be there for me. S gave me a hard time about going. For the thirteen days, he belittled me, yelled about me leaving after he got off work, and he had to care for the kids. I never have been able to understand this. I had dinner ready before he got home from work, I had the kids fed and bathed before he got home from work, all he had to do was brush their teeth and put them to bed. Not once did my husband offer a kind word. No understanding, no nothing! For thirteen days, I cried most of the time that I was finally talking with C and learning who he was. I cried every day for what was supposed to be, what should have been, and what was not. And not one time did S ever come up to me and even hug me, he did not say it will be ok, he offered no support whatsoever. Nothing. From my husband. This hurt and troubled me deeply. When C died, I went to the funeral alone. S's Mom watched the boys and I went alone. My husband did not go with me, he did not even mention it when I got home. I harboured ill feelings for him immensely after that. I know I should not, but I still feel angry about it.
Right now, I have to take a break from all the memories.

To be continued......

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

When does school start?

My kids are driving me crazy!! I can not wait for school to start! I don't think the summer is ever going to end. My oldest who is 12 totally does not listen to me. He acts like I don't even say anything. He has a 'whatever' attitude about everything and it is about to make me flip out! My middle son who is 9 fights constantly with the 4 year old and I can't stand it. Every single word out of his mouth is in complete contradiction to what his brother is saying and it does not matter what it is. The youngest could say that the sky is blue and #2 would say 'no it isn't!' They are slowly making me lose my mind. And the youngest, well, he imitates everything that his brothers do, and needless to say, they are not teaching him good things with attitudes like this. I always feel bad for yelling at them all the time and then I sit back and think to myself, well, if they were listening to me I wouldn't be yelling at them! I really try to be patient with them and it never fails that they start fighting and ignoring me and I end up getting really mad and yelling. Granted, I do not start off yelling, this comes after about 20 times saying the same thing or listening to bickering for 30 minutes, that I want to pull every hair out of my head! Seriously. School can not start soon enough.

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

What to do with all this stuff?

Wow, I never realized how much stuff there is for blogging out there. I'm still figuring things out. All this is sort of a new language for me to learn, with the html's, and the dashboard, and the layouts and settings..... I promise all my posts won't be about blogging, I am just overwhelmed by how much there is to choose from. Jeez, if you do a search for blogging, so many things come up, you could get lost in all the links from one page to another! It's crazy. And I was still using pen and paper! What the heck was I thinking?

Monday, July 7, 2008

Testing the waters...

I am testing the blogging waters. I have wanted to create a blog for some time now, but have always seemed to put it off. Well tomorrow is never gonna come if I don't start some time! This is my very first post. I am so excited, although I have no idea what I am doing. I think that I will be spending quite a bit of time getting things going and arranged just how I want them. Already I am liking the font, although I usually use Comic Sans font for most things, I guess it does not really matter, but I think that I like this font too. I'm not really sure where to begin with the blogging. I have so much that I'd like to get out of my head and off of my chest, I guess the best way is to dive right in. I mean, so you start with your whole life story? I could be here for weeks typing my fingers to the bone! Or do you just start where you are right now in life? Are you supposed to have a theme, or just whatever you want? I don't want to be boring, but I don't want to seem something I am not. This blogging is not as easy as some make it seem. I will have to think on this some more for now. I'm going to fiddle with the gadgets and see what I can find. Any suggestions would be great.

Until next time.