Reflecting

I have been thinking a lot lately about my Mamaw. If things go as planned, I hope to move closer to her. I think of how she is getting older and about a time when she may no longer be with us. I try not to think about that too often, because...well that thought makes me have panic attacks. I dread the day that my Mamaw is not a phone call away. I want to be closer to her. I want to be the one to care for her when that time comes, no matter how difficult she can be. I want to be near her and soak up all the knowledge that she has to offer me. I want my children to know and love her like I do. It has just been on my mind so much lately. I can't get there fast enough.

Good news

I got my hearing date for SSI in the mail today. I am excited and nervous about it. I'm praying that this will finally be approved and I can get on with the next chapter in my life. Please pray for me and my family. If this goes through, we will be moving and there will be lots of changes happening for us all.

My PaPaw

Missing my PaPaw today. It is his birthday. He has been in Heaven for 22 years now. It still feels like an open wound that will never heal. Heavenly Birthday wishes PaPaw, I know you are watching over me. I miss and love you dearly. Not a day goes by that I don't wish you were still here.

Update

I'm still here. Still lots to update. Still feeling like crap. Still no prior authorization on my meds. We did go to Boonville this past weekend to visit my Aunt and Uncle and retrieve my beloved stolen camera! They erased all the photos I had taken at my other Aunt and Uncle's 25th party, but left photos of themselves when they pawned it! My Uncle is taking the CD with the photos to the PD down there for me. My allergies have been horrible (that time of year I suppose).
I got into it with my cousin over some stupid comment her new boyfriend made on Facebook. The bad part is that it is her Mom that just died in March and I miss talking to her. We cried together quite a bit while I was in KY and now she is angry with me over this guy. I spoke my mind like I always do and she did not like it. Such is life. Will try to update some more, although I have been a horrible blogger lately.

Going to MaMaw's

I'm leaving tomorrow to go visit my MaMaw. It will be the first time I have been back since my Aunt died in March. I am happy to be going "home" but know there are going to be many emotions when I go up to that graveyard. I've been listening to the song "The house that built me" by Miranda Lambert and it just feels like me right now. I've been feeling lost and looking for my way to whatever it is I am supposed to be doing with my life. There has to be more than this. So maybe some soul searching at MaMaw's is what is in order. I hope so anyway. I always hate to leave there so that will be teary. I'll get back right before the kids have to go to school. Good timing. I'll still be checking in and maybe update from the road(if we can get any signal.)

Heavenly Birthdays

Happy Birthday Aunt Eddie, your first in Heaven. How I wish you were here. You would have been 50 today. I still can't believe that you are gone. There is a hole in our family. We all miss you so very much. I hope that you were dancing with the angels, Pa paw and Uncle Dave. When we all meet again, what a day of rejoicing that will be.

Two posts in one, cause I'm lazy today

I have decided against being a surrogate. As much as I would love to help a couple, I just don't think emotionally that I could do it. I couldn't just hand over a baby or two that I had carried the whole time, even if they were not mine biologically. And after talking with the psych yesterday, she really did not think it was a good idea for me at this time either. I feel guilty in a way that I have let them down, but I would hate myself emotionally if I went through a whole pregnancy and had to hand over the baby. I truly wish them well and hope that they find someone that can make them parents, I just don't think that person is me. Still, I am sad.

And, on another depressing note, my Aunt Edith who just lost her husband in November is in the hospital on life support for the last week. Yesterday they tried taking her off and within 10 minutes she was blue. I think I have said my last words to her and it makes me very sad. She took care of me and my sister a lot when my Mom was working when I was younger and I'm not going to have a proper goodbye with her. She was so depressed after her husband died that she just laid in the bed. She has her own health issues and I think that just made them worse. I don't think she is going to come out of this and I hate that I can not be there. It is very upsetting to me and being how I am, this makes me think about my Ma Maw, how will she handle losing a child? Will something happen to her after that? I truly could not handle that. My Ma Maw, even if I have complained about her, I emotionally am not prepared for something to happen to her and I don't think I ever will be. I guess I need to go do something and get my mind off this before I drive myself crazy. I'm sad, very sad.

Rest in peace Uncle Dave

My Uncle Dave died today after a battle with pancreatic cancer. It was expected but I had hoped that my Aunt would have some more time with him. I don't know what she is going to do. Please lift them in prayer. This is so close to Gramma's death 3 weeks ago.
It just sucks.
So Friday we will travel to Kentucky for his funeral.

A recent road trip

I went on a road trip this past weekend with my baby sister. It was a long ride but fun. It was nice to get away from everyone for a couple days. We went to pick up my Ma Maw in Kentucky for her Dr appointment up here for her foot. It was a very long ride back. My Ma Maw, what can I say? It is hard to imagine that I love her so much and at the very same time aggravates me beyond sometimes. Don't get me wrong, I am thankful that I still have her with me. I just don't understand the way she is sometimes. I guess I don't have to understand, just accept it. Sometimes, it is just difficult to do. Anyway...
We also saw my Uncle Dave who was recently sent home with hospice and no further chemo. He was diagnosed in March with pancreatic cancer. When we walked in, I honestly did not even recognize him sitting in the chair. It was a shock even though I know that he has been sick and that the outcome is not what everyone had hoped and prayed for, but I was still surprised. He does not look like himself at all. He does not seem himself either. He's there, but then again, he's not. It was sad. I don't even know what to say to my Aunt. It is certain that her husband is going to die. Really, it is just a matter of time. I hope that they have more time together but only the Lord knows how long that will be. She is totally emotionally unprepared for this and I doubt that she will ever be. How do you brace yourself for that?
Please lift their family in prayer.

The late post

I know I had promised an update over the weekend, but I was busy with the kids and cleaning.
I am trying to get things in order at my house before my MaMaw gets here. I looks like I may not be driving down there with my Mom to pick her up after all. My Mom is now not able to go pick her up until Friday 4-10-09. We were supposed to be leaving on that Thursday and coming back on Friday. And it just so happens that is Easter weekend. So I will be coloring Easter eggs with the children and preparing the meal for Easter Sunday. And, it just so happens that my nephews birthday party is going to be on the Saturday, the day before Easter. So, if I drive down to Kentucky with my mother on that Friday and come back on the same day, I still will not have time to color the eggs with the kids on Saturday because we have to go to the birthday party and then that will leave me getting everything ready for Easter dinner on Easter Sunday. I just don't know.
I have been enjoying the break from school. My classes resume on April 21. I just finishes reading World Without End by Ken Follett. It was like the sequel to his first book like it called The Pillars of the Earth. I have to say that I really enjoyed the book. I read the entire book in a week's time. I did not get much else done and neglected my blog and well, cooking too. Everyone was fending for themselves for a few days, but they all found things to cook for themselves, which was nice, because I did not have to cook.
This Friday is Buck and my anniversary, even though we are not currently married, we have been together for 5 years now. We really have no special plans, financially, we can not do very much, but I plan to make a good dinner and buy a bottle of wine. And then his birthday is this coming Sunday, 48 years old. I have to say that the last couple years have aged him. I think it is his field of work, being that it's construction, he is constantly worried about getting jobs and making money, and I think that has aged him quite a bit in the last couple years. But I know that I have aged as well. It happens, such is life.
I have been thinking a lot lately about Luke starting school this year. I am happy about it, but a little sad as well. My "baby" is going off to school. He i very excited about it and I am happy for that. He is so smart and always asking questions. He wants to spell things all the time, which I think is wonderful.
Dustin has been doing good in school the last couple weeks, since his last incident. I just hope that he keeps it up, there are only a couple months left until the end of school and he goes on to the middle school next year. I am hoping that will be good for him. Only time will tell.
I have been experimenting with new recipes for dinner, the other day I made homemade chicken fried rice, it was pretty good and cheaper than ordering Chinese for dinner.
Well, until next time....

Feeling homesick

I have been thinking about my Ma-maw a lot lately. I talk to her everyday, but I just miss her so badly. Last February when the whole family went down there for her surprise birthday party was the last time that I saw her. I guess you could say that I am feeling homesick. And right now, there is no possible way that I can make a trip down there with the kids school schedule and my own. I can't afford to take time off work right now either. She just has not been able to come here. I don't know if she will ever be able to drive here alone again. I always fear that something is going to happen to her before I see her again. When I see her and it is time to leave, I always cry thinking that this may be the last time that I am with her. I wish that I lived closer to her. I wish that I could visit more often. Maybe I will be able to arrange something for when the boys are on spring break from school. Until I figure something out, I guess I just have to be happy with talking to her on the phone everyday. Sometimes, that just does not seem to be enough. I miss her so much.

Tomorrow's another day....

It has been a rainy, dreary day here today. The perfect day to cook meals for the coming week and bake. Today, I made a big pot of potato soup, a crockpot of this wonderful chicken stew that I found the recipe for from another blog, fried green tomatoes, cut watermelon, cantaloupe, and put a crockpot of a breakfast casserole that a good friend sent to me. I didn't get much homework done that is due for tomorrow, but I feel like I got a lot accomplished.
Tomorrow, after church, I have to do some laundry, get my assignments done and hopefully relax a little before beginning another busy week.
There has been a lot on my mind today, the argument with the ex about the boys medication, which still has not got picked up and I can not afford to just go get. There is a really long story there. A dear friend of mine is going through a hard time and I have not heard from her. She has been on my mind. I really would love to take off to Kentucky to be by my MaMaw, but that is nearly impossible with gas prices and I can not afford to take off work right now. I am behind on a couple bills. I'm just feeling depressed today. Tomorrow's another day. Hopefully I will be feeling a little brighter tomorrow.
Until next time...

Little Miss No Name

When I was growing up, my MaMaw had this doll. Well, she still has it. That doll was the toy that all the Grandkids and now the Great-Grandkids talk about. I used to play with that doll all the time. Dress and undress it. Carry it around like a baby. And, I have to tell you, I think that doll is probably the ugliest doll I have ever seen! Truly, it is. This doll has a burlap dress under the little jacket that my MaMaw crocheted for it. It's just creepy looking. Infact, when Dustin was young, he was terrified of that doll. He's not the only Great Grandchild that has been afraid of it either. But no matter how ugly that doll is, it is always a part of going to MaMaw's house.

Look at those eyes, tell me, is that not the creepiest doll you have ever seen? But secretly, I want that doll.

No one compares to Ma-maw

Whenever I think about my life and my childhood, no one compares to my Ma-maw. I don't know what I'd do without her. She is the one and only person that I tell everything. She lives in Kentucky, about 400 miles from me. I wish I could visit more often, with sadness, we only seem to make it there about once a year. Our last visit was in February this year. The whole extended family made it there for a surprise birthday for Ma-maw. It was her 70th birthday. She was surprised, it was great. It's really hard to pull one over on her, but she really had no idea that it had been in the works for months. It was nice to have the whole family together. Sadly, I think that will not happen again in her lifetime. The next time we will all be together is most likely when Ma-maw passes on to her better life. She has many health problems and a degenerating bone disease that has plagued her for years. I try not to think about her not being here. I always tell her that she has to live forever! I so wish that were possible. The thought of her not being around literally makes me nauseous. I am closer to her than I am even to my mother. Well, that does not say much, since I am not close to my mother at all (very long story for another post maybe.) For years, she has been my confidant in everything. The matriarch of our family and I love her so dearly. When I think that some day she will not be here, it makes me panic. What will happen? The house that she has lived in and I have visited and considered more like home forever, will never be the same. Whenever I make the journey to Kentucky, it always feels like going home. The sights, the smells, the people, just everything about it is home to me.

This is the view from the side yard up the road. Nothing looks better to me.

When I was a kid, my sister and I would spend the summers there with Ma-maw and Pa-paw and it was some of the best times I can remember. We would visit my Pa-paw's brothers and sisters, some which have passed away now. When we went to my Aunt Pauline's house, we played with the pigs, got jolted by the electric fence and always were right back there again! Didn't learn too quick that the fence would still jolt us. We went chasing after the cows in the pasture. We were curious about the bee hives that we were told to stay away from but of course did not listen. And then there were all the dogs lying around under the porch. Never a shortage of dogs. We played in this creek right behind their house with the crawdads.

We tied strings to June bugs until their legs all came off. The poor bugs. We caught jars full of lightening bugs. They let us play in the rain. We went into town to the Dollar Store and it was always a treat to get new crayons and coloring books. We went to the Drug Store where we could get ice cream at the counter. My Ma-maw would send us outside to play and when we would run in and out after we were told not to, she would lock us outside! And these are some of the best, most cherished memories that I have. My Pa-paw died when I was 12 years old. I have many fond memories of him too. We built this bird house together and I got to hammer the nails!

This photo of my Pa-paw was taken sometime in the 80's before he passsed away.

He even held the nails. And, after all these years, it is still there. I think of that day every time I see this bird house. There are so many memories there. When I am there it seems as if I have been transformed into another place and time in my life. I'm glad that my kids are getting to know my Ma-maw, because as much as I hate it, I know that she will not always be here. I know that she will not live forever, even though I can still hope for that! I hope that some day, my children have these wonderful memories of going to Kentucky, and will then realize why I make them leave the Playstation at home!