Humbug!

     I am just not feeling the Christmas cheer this year. I don't feel like baking, I don't feel like decorating, I don't feel like being cheery. Don't get me wrong I have so many things to be thankful for, but just not feeling the Christmas cheer that normally overcomes me this time of year. I want to feel the Christmas spirit where I feel a little nicer than usual, I feel kinder than usual, I feel happier than usual. This year...I got nothing so far. I'm hoping I will find it before Christmas, I really hope I do. And I do have so many blessings to be thankful for. Even though things are not exactly how I'd like them to be they are better than they could have been.
     Myles will have the wires removed from his mouth just in time for Christmas, so he will be very happy to be enjoying Christmas dinner. I'm thankful for that, although secretly I think he has got used to me waiting on him hand and foot. And I gladly do it, because when I think that I could have lost him and Dustin, it is just too much to bear. I thank God every day for looking out for them and that they are ok. I don't think the boys realize how blessed they are. It really has added perspective for me though in a way that I thought I had already, especially since Myles had had cancer when he was 7, but this has added new meaning for me.

     Until next time...

Gramma

Gramma died Wednesday October 14, 2009. Her daughters are unbelievable. They were fighting about her things before she even died and then were calling, texting, and leaving me messages ALL day until I turned my phone off that evening. I can't believe how they were totally unconcerned about her when she was alive and then immediately started bickering about her belongings. One of her daughters even got in her car and drove here all the way from Mississippi after she died because she has some old paperwork that said that she was the executor of Gramma's will. But her paperwork is old and she drove here to be executor of nothing because they have nothing! Unbelievable! It absolutely sickens me.

A recent road trip

I went on a road trip this past weekend with my baby sister. It was a long ride but fun. It was nice to get away from everyone for a couple days. We went to pick up my Ma Maw in Kentucky for her Dr appointment up here for her foot. It was a very long ride back. My Ma Maw, what can I say? It is hard to imagine that I love her so much and at the very same time aggravates me beyond sometimes. Don't get me wrong, I am thankful that I still have her with me. I just don't understand the way she is sometimes. I guess I don't have to understand, just accept it. Sometimes, it is just difficult to do. Anyway...
We also saw my Uncle Dave who was recently sent home with hospice and no further chemo. He was diagnosed in March with pancreatic cancer. When we walked in, I honestly did not even recognize him sitting in the chair. It was a shock even though I know that he has been sick and that the outcome is not what everyone had hoped and prayed for, but I was still surprised. He does not look like himself at all. He does not seem himself either. He's there, but then again, he's not. It was sad. I don't even know what to say to my Aunt. It is certain that her husband is going to die. Really, it is just a matter of time. I hope that they have more time together but only the Lord knows how long that will be. She is totally emotionally unprepared for this and I doubt that she will ever be. How do you brace yourself for that?
Please lift their family in prayer.

09-09-09

Have not posted much here lately. Nothing very positive to write so I'm just gonna give you all an update. Gramma was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer. She was sent home with no treatment plan. She had a prescription list that had I filled all the medication would have cost $1100.00 at Walgreens today! I did not fill them all, obviously! She only has about $1000 life insurance policy so I am so so worried about how to have a funeral for her with no money? She has no money, her kids have no money, and $1000 won't go far at all.
My MaMaw went home and has been doing good on her own down there. She was telling me that she is having a lot of pain in her heal so she may have moved the screw from standing on it too much. But, we will not know about that until she comes back up to see the orthopedic doctor later this month.
My brother is a proud new homeowner and we're expecting the arrival of his baby in February. I hope it's another boy. There is a whole other post right there, but I'll save that for another time.
Oh, and I told Buck that this is not working for me and that I don't think that we should be pretending anymore that it is going to. So, in my head, we are not together. But apparently in his head, things are ok. He is calling like every day like everything is normal. I love you hunny and all. I know that he completely knew what I was saying when I wassaying it. But, anyway, I brought home a bunch of stuff from his house today while he was at work and will be working on getting more stuff back here over the next week.
So, right now, I am just tring to keep my head above water and deal with things as they are coming my way.
"I can do all things through He who strengthens me..." (I don't know the exact verse, but love the quote)

Gramma

The lady I care for was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer this past Wednesday. It is not really surprising since she has been a very heavy smoker for years and years, but I was still in shock a little to hear the news. Sad too. I know I have complained about her on her before but I do care about her very much. She is being sent home on Monday with no treatment plan. There will be a visiting nurse, therapist, and home helper until we may need further assistance like hospice.
She just said to me that she wanted to outlive her husband who has been in a nursing home for 4 years. He is 91, but seems healthy for his age except he has Alzheimer's. I promised her that if something happened to her that I would still look after him.

Another good checkup

Myles appointment went fine. No change in anything which is what we want. We go back in another 6 months. The Doc said that at least for the next 2 years every 6 months appointments will be good and then once a year after that. So this is good. I know that he is fine, but still, I can not help but worry. I try not to, but I can't help it. So, he is 3 years cancer free!! How awesome is that! So happy and blessed.
Until next time...

Random thoughts

I don't have a real structured post today, not that my posts are usually structured, cause I have not had a real steady stream of thoughts lately, just things constantly going through my head. Rambling.
Today was such a long day. My boss had a bunch of stuff that he wanted me to take care of, and of course, waited until the last 2 hours of the day to tell me everything. So, I was rushing and I hate that. It stresses me out.
Tomorrow is the last day of school for the boys. They are so happy to be off for the summer break. That just means that it is closer that Luke will be going to school this fall and Dustin will be in middle school when school resumes. Myles, thankfully, he will still be in the elementary school for another couple years. The cat is still losing a little more hair. I go for the Endocrinologist appointment on Tuesday and then Myles will have his 6 month check up at the Children's hospital. I'm sure his scans will be good again, I just can not help but stress over it every time we have to go.
I'm worried about money as usual. There are more bills than I can afford to pay. I still have not been able to find a job with that degree I have! So glad that I have student loans totalling more than $23,000 and no job to accompany that. Kinda seems pointless to have the piece of paper right about now.
Oh, yeah, tomorrow, the kids get out of school early since it is the last day. After work, I have to go grocery shopping for Gramma, Luke has to be picked up from daycare, Dustin has an appointment in Merrillville at 5pm, Myles has a baseball game at 5pm in Highland, don't know how I am going to be in two different towns at the same time...
I think that my Mom may take Myles to his game, but even then, she has to work and I don't know how I am going to get him to her and still have Dustin to his appointment on time. I just hate days like that. So, until next time....

Life and Death

Today is a day like many other for some, but for me, it is eternally the day that my bestest friend in High School passed away from brain cancer. We were thinking that she was improving, but then within a week, she was gone. This was so difficult for me. It has been 16 years since she has been gone. And I can't even explain how hard it is to write that it has been 16 years. I loved her so very much. It was so hard. It was unfair. We were teenagers, teenagers didn't get cancer! Well, they really do get cancer and they really do die from it. I wish that was not the case. I wish that she did not die. I wish that we were able to be there for each other's weddings. The births of our children. But, that was just not God's plan. I feel like I was robbed of my best friend when I needed one so badly. And although it has been 16 years, I still miss her just as much.

She got these floweres for her 16th Birthday. I wonder if it would have made a difference then to know that she was going to be sick.

13 years ago, I had went into the beginning stages of labor with my oldest baby, Dustin. I cryed, he just could not be born on the day that Kimmie had died. I was really upset about it. Thankfully he waited until 4:25am on February 23, 1996. So this day in my mind is all Kim's. I always remember, I always take flowers, and sometimes when I am really having a hard time, I go there and talk to her. I'm not really expecting an answer, but I do feel her presence. I feel her presence around me often. I miss her terribly sometimes. Today is one of those days.

RIP Sweet Kim. I still love you. I wish we had more time.

Update

Just a quick update. Myles is fine. Nothing has changed in his scans since the last time that we were there back in June. Sorry it took so long to update, I have literally been driving since 5:45am and just got home maybe an hour ago.

Worry and Obsession

Myles goes for his check up tomorrow. I know that he is fine, but I can not help but worry. Everytime we go there it is a great deal of stress for both of us. I have seen him look around at all the kids less fortunate. They are sick. They are so very sick.
We have seen kids laying around on the couches waiting to be seen by the doctors. We have seen kids sick to their stomach from the chemo that is supposed to make them well. We see all the children without any hair from their chemo. And then there is Myles... The surgery took away his cancer and thankfully he did not need any further intervention. I try to remind myself how blessed we have been. It has been over two years now with no reoccurrance, but at every appointment, I always am holding my breath until his doctor says that there is nothing else that they see in the scans. I have to put on the brave, not worried face for Myles, but in my heart and in my head, I am worried sick that they will find it again.
What if it comes back? What if just surgery is not the answer if it came back? What if he did need chemo or radiation? What would we do? What would happen? Would he be ok if it came back again? Why is it that there are so many really sick kids there and my child was spared? I'm thankful that my child is not one of the really sick kids there but he could have been and that feeling literally makes me sick to my stomach.
I don't know how long that feeling is going to last. I had thought that with every passing appointment I would worry about it less and it is no big deal, just a check up. But I still worry that it will come back. I still worry that he will be sick. I hope those feelings will pass as time goes by but for now, I hold my breath until we leave the appointment with a good report.
I will update tomorrow.

Motivation

I can not get motivated for the life of me. I was off early today, I had planned to clean the house and then put up the Christmas tree. I didn't do any of that. I read some homework and that was all. Seriously, I really need the OCD to kick in and get my butt in gear. I have so much to do and a little extra time this week, but will I actually get anything done? I hope that I do.
On another note, Myles has his check up in Chicago this Friday and as always, I am obsessing about it. I always worry that they are going to tell me that they see something else. His check ups have been good for two years now but I still worry. I guess I will always worry about it.

Blessings...

A little background first: just over two years ago, my middle son, M had an upper GI for a stomach ache and they accidentially found a tumor the size of a tennis ball in his lung. He had surgery and they removed the bottom lobe of his lung. The pathology results came back that it was a very rare form of cancer, myoepithelial carcinoma of the lung. Well for kids this is very rare and he was only 7 years old at the time. He's fine, he had the surgery, he did not need chemo or radiation, just the surgery took care of things, thank God! Well, he still has some abnormal lymph nodes and they are watching them by x-rays and CT scans every 6 months.

Ok, so on to what I wanted to say. When I took M for his check up this last time, we got there early in the morning and he got the x-ray and ct scan and then we went upstairs for our appointment with the doctor. Well, we were kinda really early, so we had to wait for the doctors to even get there. No problem, we played a game and he played the Playstation there and I read some of my homework that I needed to get done anyway. Well, as we are sitting there, other kids start to get there for their appointments, and we are waiting. So, this family comes in with their little boy and he had to have been about the same age as M. And this boy was so sick, he was so skinny, and he just laid on the couch on his mom's lap while they were waiting. I kept looking at them, and it was so sad and I felt so bad for them, and the only thing that I could think was thank God that's not my kid. Thank you God, that is not M. I felt terrible for thinking that and I am still feeling bad about thinking that, because that could have easily been my kid. The tumor that M had was cancer, they are still watching him for cancer, but he's ok. Thank God he's ok. I did not talk to these people, but I felt so bad, for the fact that their boy was obviously very sick and also for the fact that I thought to myself thank God that's not my kid. It was humbling. I mean I know that could have been my kid, but we were blessed that he's fine. I left there with a better appreciation for my kids, even though they make me crazy and get on my nerves, that could have been my kid. And I'm so grateful that it's not. When we left there, I took some extra time alone with M before I had to pick up my 4 year old from daycare. We had a good time and spent some time just the two of us, which rarely happens. Does it make me a bad person because I was glad that was not my kid? I feel bad that was what I thought.
Should I have spoke to them? I really don't know why I didn't, but I almost started crying in the waiting room looking at them, and may have started crying if I did talk to them. And I have not actually spoke those words out loud, because I feel terrible for having that thought. I just don't know, maybe it was some sort of sign for me to calm down and enjoy my kids more. I mean I have been in that waiting room and have seen sick kids there before and never thought like that before. I just had to get it off my chest, without actually saying it out loud.

**I made a post about this at the Moms group that I subscribe to in June when we had the appointment. I just thought that I should add that here to this post.**