Saturday, November 28, 2009

Maybe I just wasn't enough. Maybe I will never be enough.

Monday, November 16, 2009


I'm having a hard time with this break up thing. I had invested so much time and trust with Buck. And now I am emotionally a mess. He keeps calling, he thinks that I should still let him see my son. If I'm not mistaken, he was supposed to be a good example in Luke's life. "How to be a good man." It just seems so ironic that the very person telling Luke that was so much less than he portrayed himself to be. "We don't lie. We don't keep secrets." Interesting when that same man was lying and keeping secrets. Unfaithful. It is very upsetting to me that now he feels somehow I am supposed to take his feelings into consideration that he misses Luke and that I should just trust him to continue with the privilege of being in my son's life. I don't know what to do. I don't want Luke to be as disappointed as I am. And, it's not like Luke is begging me where his Dad is. He really has not asked much since it was not unusual that we would be away from Buck when we came home. This is just an extended stay at home in his eyes. I am very hurt and emotional and pissed off really.

Friday, November 13, 2009

Moving on

How am I supposed to get past this? I have so much anger, it is eating me inside. I am so angry. I am so beyond hurt. I don't know how you trust someone and love someone and share your life with them and then it's just gone. Buck cheated on me with the girlfriend he had before me. After six years together, he did this. After countless, I love yous and we are going to be together, just gone! I have so so much anger, I can barely stand it. I am disappointed, hurt, heartbroken and feel like I can never possibly trust someone again. I mean how could I trust someone again? I now that many many people have been in these shoes and worse, but it just feels like I am drowning in it. Our relationship was not perfect and I have stated on here before that I felt like we were on a slow decline, but to end like this! OMG! I am so angry. How do you do that to someone? How could he even stand there and look me and lie right to my face!? And what about Luke now? That was his Dad? Not biologically, but since he was 5 months old. That is not the example I want for my son to lie and cheat on people, but how do I just take that away from him? And how am I supposed to move on and heal with so much anger? I got the dog thinking that would help. I can't really say that it has. I feel just completely betrayed and so depressed. I don't know how to get past this. It hurts.....alot. It hurts more than I want people to know. I don't know how to be the same again. I don't think I could ever trust anyone again, I mean really trust someone. How do you get past this?

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Rest in peace Uncle Dave

My Uncle Dave died today after a battle with pancreatic cancer. It was expected but I had hoped that my Aunt would have some more time with him. I don't know what she is going to do. Please lift them in prayer. This is so close to Gramma's death 3 weeks ago.
It just sucks.
So Friday we will travel to Kentucky for his funeral.