And my heart breaks

If I was a teenager, I would want to be with the parent that lets me do whatever I want. I would want to be with the parent that lets me stay up all night, not do my homework, not be after me about my grades, not care where I am or who I am with, not care what I'm doing, I have no supervision or guidance. I can do whatever I want. There are no chores.

If my other parent was totally the opposite, well of course I would want to be where I have more freedom and no one watching over my back all the time. I get it. I really do.

...But as that other parent, it is so hard to accept that my child only wants me when he can get something out of it. My sweet child only uses me for his benefit and then I'm kicked to the curb like yesterdays trash. It hurts. It breaks my heart. And yet I keep trying to do what is best for him although he hates me for it. That is my job...right? To keep trying and trying until there is nothing left of me, because it is what is best for him although no one seems to care except me. I don't know how much more my heart can take. I miss my sweet boy. I want him back.

While I wasn't looking

I must admit...I really miss my children being younger. The teenagers are growing up so fast. Next year my oldest baby will be 18. He's talking of joining the military, which makes me so proud and yet scared to death. Also next year I will have two kids in high school and my baby will be in fourth grade! How did that happen? I look at them all and still see my little babies, no matter how big they get. It's wonderful and sad at the same time. They don't need me as much, which gives me more time for things that I've always said I wanted to do, but now I just want them to spend time with me, but they have friends and plans that they don't want to have family movie night anymore. It's been on my mind a lot lately, what am I going to do when they all grow up?
Eventually, it's just going to be me and the animals.
Maybe I will actually end up being the crazy cat lady...

Now we wait...I hate waiting

So we went to court yesterday. The judge will have a meeting with Myles next week and then make her ruling about the custody arrangement. I am so nervous about it. I have been going crazy with all of it. I just want what is best for all my boys. It's sad that their father is so uninvolved in their lives but still wants the control. It is a matter of control, not just over the kids but over me as well. I hate that he does not put their best interests first. It makes me angry. And now I just wait to see what is going to happen. I'm hopeful, but really, I have no faith in the legal system. If it were as it should be, we would have never got joint custody to begin with due to his violent nature and domestic violence. Please keep us in your prayers during this time.

Humbug!

     I am just not feeling the Christmas cheer this year. I don't feel like baking, I don't feel like decorating, I don't feel like being cheery. Don't get me wrong I have so many things to be thankful for, but just not feeling the Christmas cheer that normally overcomes me this time of year. I want to feel the Christmas spirit where I feel a little nicer than usual, I feel kinder than usual, I feel happier than usual. This year...I got nothing so far. I'm hoping I will find it before Christmas, I really hope I do. And I do have so many blessings to be thankful for. Even though things are not exactly how I'd like them to be they are better than they could have been.
     Myles will have the wires removed from his mouth just in time for Christmas, so he will be very happy to be enjoying Christmas dinner. I'm thankful for that, although secretly I think he has got used to me waiting on him hand and foot. And I gladly do it, because when I think that I could have lost him and Dustin, it is just too much to bear. I thank God every day for looking out for them and that they are ok. I don't think the boys realize how blessed they are. It really has added perspective for me though in a way that I thought I had already, especially since Myles had had cancer when he was 7, but this has added new meaning for me.

     Until next time...

Happy Mother's Day to you all.

I'm so blessed with my three boys. I have been given the gift of being their mother. Not just any mother, but Dustin's mother, Myles's mother and Luke's mother. I have given life three times to three individual and special souls. I forget sometimes how blessed I am to be a mother so this year I'm relishing in the fact that I am their mother. Our days may not be perfect but they sure are worth it. And I am grateful for my own mother and the other mothers in my life. My sisters, my friends, Aunts both living and in Heaven, and my Mamaw. I guess I need to be reminded sometimes how blessed I am to be given such a gift. So I am thankful today.
Happy Mother's Day to all of you Moms out there.

16 candles on his ice cream

My boy turned 16 today! I can hardly believe that. It seems like just yesterday he was born. The time goes by so fast. It truly does. I never believed that saying until I had my own children. But, it's a fact of life...they grow up. He is anxiously awaiting the coveted drivers license and tinkering with his truck so much that I will be surprised if the thing even runs by August when he will be getting his license. He hasn't figured out the saying if it ain't broke don't fix it! I usually bake a cake for my kids on their actual birth day, but since Dustin doesn't like cake, I asked him if he wanted me to make him brownies or go to Dairy Queen. He chose DQ, so we went there after school, got ice cream and hot dogs. We ate the ice cream before supper. I will have a birthday party for him next weekend.
Happy Birthday Dustin, you'll always be my first baby no matter how old you get.

time for change

So this court case is still going on about my boys. It will be closed out in about a month and things will go back to normal, with my ex husband and I having joint custody and trading kids back and forth with me doing all the work once again. He still does not take responsibility for his actions and blames Dustin for everything. He lets Myles run around all over with no supervision and little regard for what he is doing. He does not make dinner when they are there, he barely cleans their clothes. He just gets to go back to life as usual and I am doing all the work. I am bitter. I am resentful. I am angry. I am feeling sorry for myself I guess. Dustin has decided that he in fact does not want to go back to joint custody with his father. He wants to stay with me, which is of course what I have wanted all along, my kids with me. But then I think what if he is just doing this until the next time he gets mad at me, then he wants to go back to Dad. I am more than ready for the court to get out of our life but the chances of something happening again with their Dad is certain to happen. What should I do??

Been MIA

I have missed blogging so much. I had some issues going on with my kids that preventing me from posting since October. So much has happened and still happening, but I am tired of being silent and the blogging is theraputic for me.


In October 2010, my oldest boy suffered a severe beating at the hands of his father. He was picked up by his neck and threw hrough the wall. DCS is involved and we have been going back and forth to court. It has been extremely stressful and demanding of time and resources. Although I did nothing to the children, I have to go through the parenting classes and individual and family therapy. We all had to have psychological exams and my son has to have random drug testing. I have been very stressed out and frustrated.


This has been a difficult time for me and the kids. I have waivered in my faith and felt alone in this. Dealing with DCS and the service providers is stressful. They expect you to drop everything and jump through hoops to comply with what they want with no consideration to the fact that I work and have to provide for my family while he is paying no child support and not doing anything positive for the kids. The kids are going for weekly visitation and family therapy with their father and each child has individual therapy as well. It is easy to see how people get fed up with dealing with these people and don't comply and end up losing their parental rights. And even though I did not do anything, they can still take my kids because they are technically wards of the state at the time, so I have to comply with their demands as well or I can lose them. And as their plan stands, the plan is reunification, which would mean that we would go back to having joint custody with the chance of this happening again fairly high, since their father has not changed his behavior. He was an abusive husband and now an abusive father. This just further perpetuates the problems that the boys have with their behavior and their attitudes in addition to the fact that they are 12 and 15 with atttudes anyway.


Sometimes, I just want to give up. Somedays, I just don't feel like going on. Somedays, it just is too much. But then think these are my kids, how can I just give up, even though they are acting out and I get all the bad behavior. Somedays, it is just too much for me to bear. And then, I get up the next day and do it again because I'm the Mom and they are my children. It's just so frustrating.

There is just only so much I can take! Does that make you a big man doing that to your children? Feeling better? You Jackass! I hope and pray that something good comes out of this. God please look over my family.

Random Thoughts

I am still so depressed about my Aunt's death and really, there is no one I can talk to about it. EVERYONE lost her, why should my pain be any different than theirs. My Mom lost her sister, my Ma Maw lost her daughter, my cousin lost her Mother, my sisters also lost their Aunt. So who is there left to talk to about it. I miss her so very much. I have so many regrets. I wish I had went down there when I knew that she was sick co that I could have seen her one more time. I wish I had just went down there! I don't know that I will never not regret that. I loved her and I miss her. I know that we all have lost people close to us. It hurts, I'm told it gets better, and there is a song I have been listening to, but honestly, I don't know if it makes me feel better or worse. I posted the song.

Dustin got community service for his curfew violation. 20 hours. I was actually happy that he got the community service and not just the fine, I think it will teach him more.

Myles I feel is needing more "Mom" attention and I just do not know how to separate my time between the kids, because I know that Dustin needs that attention too, I just have to go about it in a different way, you know, cause Mom is just not cool! I love them so much and I just want them to know how very much I love them and that they mean the world to me. Sometimes, I think my depression keeps me from doing as much as I would like to do with them. I'm trying.

I started my new medication and all I can tell is that I have a hard time falling asleep and then have a hard time waking up in the morning. I miss the old me. The manic me, the could just stay up and go, go, go. But the crashes, oh, the crashes, and the emotions. I don't know what is worse. the manic and crashes, or the medication.

My Luke turns 7 on October 25th. I can't believe he's already going to be that old, but then I say that about all my kids, Dustin will soon be 15 and Myles will be 12 in December. God, where has the time went? They were all just babies coming home from the hospital. I know all mothers have this feeling.

Well, until next time......

They grow up so fast

My baby who will be 7 years old next month, just fell asleep in my arms. My heart is melting. :)

Shout out to all Moms :)

Happy Mother's Day to all my favorite Moms out there! I hope you all have a wonderful day filled with love.

Funky Town

I'm in a funk!
I can not seem to climb out of. I have been trying to force myself to be more positive. Do more things, but I don't want to. I am happy to sit in the house in my PJ's all day, every day. I don't want to deal with all the issues that Dustin is having right now. He is on a bad path and all the talking in the world is not getting through to him.
I thought I was feeling a little better after the party for my parents and being around the family was good for everyone. But now, with Mother's Day approaching, I am worried about my cousins Becky and Randy too, this will be the first without their Mom. I can't imagine how that is going to be for them. I am thankful that I have my mother and realize that I should make her more aware of how thankful I am that I still have her. There are many people that read this blog that have lost their Mom, my thoughts and prayers will be with you on that day as well.
I have so many other posts in my head. Hopefully tomorrow I will be able to get out another. There is so much on my chest, I feel like it is crushing me.

School Starts Tomorrow

Wow, my baby starts school tomorrow.
He is crazy excited about it! I have mixed emotions about him going to Kindergarten. He is growing up so fast. He will be six years old in October. It just does not seem possible. But here we are on the doorstep of school.
I love you Lukey Bear.

Also tomorrow, Dustin starts 7th grade in middle school. He is not so happy about school starting. I am hoping that he has a better school year than last year.

Myles will be in 5th grade tomorrow. Wow.

Again, they are just growing up too fast. Sometimes I wish I could freeze time. There is a song called, "You're gonna miss this" I don't know who sings it, but it could not be true.

Some lines go:
"You're gonna miss this. You're gonna want this back. You're gonna wish these days didn't go by so fast. These are some good times...so take a look around. You may not know it now but you're gonna miss this."

Oh how that must be true.

Depression Sucks

I'm so depressed. I just can not seem to bring myself out of it. I do have an appointment with Dr. Shrink on the 14th. I sure hope that she can help me do something. Maybe my meds need adjustment. I don't know, but I can not seem to get anything done and I am really far behind in my class again. This is the third time I am taking this same class and I am behind AGAIN! This is going on week 4 of a 5 week class and I am so far behind that I do not know if I will be able to catch up and actually pass the class. I have never been like this since starting my accounting classes.
My relationship with Buck is on a slow decline. I'm sure that is where we are headed. And I wish I could say that it bothers me, but...
We are just too different in our thinking and what it is that we actually want from each other. And I'm just too tired of trying to please everyone else. I want to do things for me. Maybe that is selfish, but that is how I am feeling. I wish I could say that a relationship seems worth it, but I really can't see that it is.
Maybe it's the depression talking. Maybe not.
My baby starts school in about a week. I thought I was going to be so happy about it. Now not so much. I mean after all, he is the baby. This is the last child I have that will be starting school for the first time. I'm happy to see the little man that he is becoming but sad to see my baby growing up. I remain upbeat and happy about it for him when we are talking about it, but inside I am screaming, it's too soon...not yet...just one more year
I know he will be fine and he will thrive.
Sorry for all the negativity lately. I'm just trying to work through this mess of my life right now.
Until next time...

Random thoughts

I don't have a real structured post today, not that my posts are usually structured, cause I have not had a real steady stream of thoughts lately, just things constantly going through my head. Rambling.
Today was such a long day. My boss had a bunch of stuff that he wanted me to take care of, and of course, waited until the last 2 hours of the day to tell me everything. So, I was rushing and I hate that. It stresses me out.
Tomorrow is the last day of school for the boys. They are so happy to be off for the summer break. That just means that it is closer that Luke will be going to school this fall and Dustin will be in middle school when school resumes. Myles, thankfully, he will still be in the elementary school for another couple years. The cat is still losing a little more hair. I go for the Endocrinologist appointment on Tuesday and then Myles will have his 6 month check up at the Children's hospital. I'm sure his scans will be good again, I just can not help but stress over it every time we have to go.
I'm worried about money as usual. There are more bills than I can afford to pay. I still have not been able to find a job with that degree I have! So glad that I have student loans totalling more than $23,000 and no job to accompany that. Kinda seems pointless to have the piece of paper right about now.
Oh, yeah, tomorrow, the kids get out of school early since it is the last day. After work, I have to go grocery shopping for Gramma, Luke has to be picked up from daycare, Dustin has an appointment in Merrillville at 5pm, Myles has a baseball game at 5pm in Highland, don't know how I am going to be in two different towns at the same time...
I think that my Mom may take Myles to his game, but even then, she has to work and I don't know how I am going to get him to her and still have Dustin to his appointment on time. I just hate days like that. So, until next time....

Mother's Day

Well today I spent most of Mother's Day being angry with my kids for not listening to me, fighting with each other, and just generally misbehaving. We went to my sister's house for the annual Mother's Day celebration. There was tons of food. Lots of people. It was nice. But really, I am just depressed about my kids and just life in general at this point. I wanted to take the kids and drop them off and go back home alone for Mother's Day. But, we all went together. The kids played outside the whole time we were there. I caught up with my Mom and sister's. My brother came out there too after he got off work.
Overall, I'm glad today is almost over and pray that tomorrow will be better.
And then, I read some of the blogs that I follow and I hear how they are suffering this Mother's Day because their children are no longer with them and it makes me feel terrible because here I am and I have all my children with me and have only been mostly angry with them all day. I am thankful for my children and all that they bring to my life. I know that sometimes I need to lighten up and not get bent out of shape when things are not going exactly how they should, but that has been increasingly difficult for me lately. I know I have not been very uplifting with my posts lately, I'm sorry for that. I am just trying to work out so many things in my head and in my life.
Thanks for reading.
Happy Mother's Day to all my Momma readers.
Until next time....

Oh, and I forgot my camera so no Mother's Day photos to post. Did not even realize I forgot it until I got back and it was on the table.

I think I'm going to invest in wine

I have been having some serious problems with Luke not listening to me or really just in general. He just completely ignores me. We had the incident last week with the stranger business. And he had not been listening last week. A couple weeks ago, the daycare lasy had said that he was not being nice to his friends at daycare, friends one minute and can't stand the kid the next minute, he even hit this boy. Then today, I pick him up and she tells me the exact same thing about the friends and he hit this boy again. So, I go to Meijer for some things right after picking him up from daycare, and he has a complete meltdown in Meijer because I took the plastic $1 ball away from him so I COULD PAY FOR IT!
Seriously, he started crying, whining, snot and drool everywhere. He's 5 years old! I was so angry. I gave the ball to the neighbor kid when we got home, just so he would get the picture that I'm not messing around. I don't know what is the problem with him. Maybe it's me. But this is making me crazy.
Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

Oh, and as a side note, my hair is falling out, like a lot. It's kinda freaking me out.

Worry, worry, worry and repeat

After a crazy, busy week I am looking forward to staying home this weekend in my PJ's. I have tons of homework to catch up on that I have managed to neglect all week. Now I have to work on that this weekend. I don't know that I will ever get totally caught up now, since I am almost two whole weeks behind and the class is only five weeks long. We shall see what happens this weekend. I am optimistic, but reserved about it as well.

My sister took Ma Maw home to Kentucky today. I have to say that I am sad that she has left. I always feel like it is the last time that I am going to see her and I hate feeling like that. I have serious anxiety about it. I do call her daily, but it is never the same as being with her and spending time with her.

Myles managed to step on a nail at his Dad's house and his foot is now infected. Dustin had hours of homework to do last night. He actually stayed up later than I did. Then, he did not finish it until this morning before we left for school. I also found out just tonight that the Middle School orientation for the parents is this coming Tuesday of which Dustin failed to mention. He doesn't feel that we should have to know about the Middle School, he's going there, not the parents. Or perhaps his father already knew about it and failed to share that information, which could totally be possible as well. Either way, I am going to be there Tuesday, because I want to know what is going on and it is my responsibility to know what is going on with his school, whether Dustin or his Dad likes it or not. It really is awesome that the school sends out emails of what's happening next week. Thank you.

And, oh, geez, the family drama just never ends. Did I mention before that I had not missed that in the time that I was not speaking to them? I'm sure I must have mentioned it before. Nothing big really, just normal family drama, you know, everyone has to deal with it at some time, I am sure.

I went to the grocery store for Gramma (the old lady that I take care of that drives me out of my mind!). I am so conflicted about the situation with her. I got suckered in to taking care of her just by taking her to the doctor one time, then she somehow became my responsibility. And, really I feel bad that she has no one else to take care of her. But she calls me several times a day (lonely), but I just do not have time to be one the phone all the time and it never fails that she calls when I am at work or totally busy. Then I have to find time to go to the store for her and deliver her stuff to her and sort her pills, pick up her pills, take out the garbage, pick up her bills, pay her bills, go to some doctor appointments, take care of the paperwork for the nursing home for her husband, things like that. Which is all fine, but I have my own family, two jobs, three kids, and I am attending school full time online. The kids are in sports and have practices and games and swim meets will be soon starting for the summer season for Dustin. I just do not have time for this sometimes, then I feel guilty cause I think well, just do it and not complain. What else can I do? Buck thinks I am crazy for doing all that for her with no pay, but she really has no one else to take care of her and she really can not afford to pay me. She is 88, almost 89 years old, so what else can I do? Suck it up and take care of her.

Well, I do not know how that turned into a rant about Gramma, but OK. I was actually wanting to post about something Luke did that just really scared me to death and I am not sure if I handled it good or got through to him, so I am turning to the Internets to help me out here.
OK, here's the story, I will try to keep it short, but can't promise anything. We went to Gramma's to drop off her groceries. Luke always helps me carry in her things, I put some things away and label some things for her since she is legally blind. Well, she needed me to sort some of her pills that she got mixed up, so I told Luke to stay in the living room, I went into the bedroom to sort the pills, maybe 5 minutes, but in that time, Luke went outside even though he was told to stay in the living room. We never totally close the patio door cause Gramma smokes A LOT and I can barely breathe in there and try to leave as soon as possible cause we both have asthma and when we leave, we smell like smoke which I do not like either. So, I sort her pills and go out to the living room, and Luke is not in the living room, he went outside. I look outside, I don't see him. My heart sinks. I call him and he says, "I'm over here Mom, I'm talking to Jim." Well, first off, why the hell are you outside and who the hell is Jim? Well, Jim flashes his US Census Bureau ID, but really I don't care who he is, Luke is not supposed to be outside, and he surely is not supposed to be talking to strangers. I not so politely told Jim that I do not care who he is, that Luke is not supposed to be talking to strangers and proceed to flip out on Luke cause 1) he is outside when I said to wait in the living room, 2) he is talking to a stranger, 3) this Jim didn't think to say, well, does your Mom know you are outside by yourself?, and 4) HE'S NOT SUPPOSED TO BE TALKING TO STRANGERS!!! I can not tell you how many times we have talked about this. It scared the hell out of me. Had this been some child predator or whatever, Luke could have been gone! And, we have talked about this so many times. I gave him the third degree, I whipped him over it (I know, some may not agree, but I whipped him), I talked to him some more, I told him that he could NEVER see us again if someone were to take him becasue he was with a stranger. His Dad talked to him about it some more. I was so scared about what could have happened. I was disappointed. I was so angry because we have talked about it so many times and I was sure that Luke would not do that because we had told him so many times. I was also angry cause why would that guy not say hey, where's your Mom or Does she know you are out here? That guy was just out there talking to my 5 year old!

So please tell me Internets, what would you do? Have you had similar incidents? How do you get this in your kids head that they can not talk to strangers that there are people out there that will take you? What am I doing wrong? Or right? Please give me some advice here, I am really needing it about this one.

We're sick

I'm sick. Dustin started it, then me, then Luke and now Buck has it too. We are all miserable. Snot, coughing, wheezing, body aches, headaches, nebulizer treatments, the whole nine yards. Thankfully Myles has not came down with anything.
I ended up at the ER this evening because I just could not breathe and my chest hurt so bad. This is all messing with my asthma and so they gave me a neb treatment at the ER with two meds, a steroid through the iv, an iv bag and sent me home with different antibiotics and some predisone (I think that is spelled wrong, but am too lazy to look it up!). Hopefully this does the trick. I have missed work all week, which I could not afford and really, I had no choice, I could barely make it out of bed and of course everyone expects me to take care of them because they are sick! I know, it comes with being a Mom, you just can not be sick.
So that is the update here. Sickness.
Please God, let us get better soon.