Tuesday, December 29, 2009


Starting over sucks.
It hardly seems worth it to put myself out there to be hurt again.
I don't think I will ever fully trust another man again. It hurts and it sucks that it still hurts so very much. I am trying to force myself to be positive. Force myself to be happy. Force myself to get out of bed everyday. I have to get out of bed to go to work, but on days that I am off, I lay around and barely do anything. I do the basics with the kids, feeding them, making them get showered, not kill each other, but other than that I would rather just stay in bed. I know that it's depression. I am trying so hard to deal with it. I don't want to feel like this.
I wish I never met him. I wish that I just walked away in the beginning. How could I not have seen what he really was? How could I have loved him so much and I was just an option for him. Why? Why? Why? And really no answers would ever be good enough. I just wish it were easier to move on and away from him.
I don't want to keep thinking about him. I hate that I still think about him.
I'm still angry.
I don't think there is happiness out there for me.
I am just concentrating on my kids and not going to worry about a man.

Saturday, December 26, 2009

The date was ok.
He was nice but too much of the "Oh but I'm so different than the other guys." I mean, he does not get to decide that, I do. We had dinner and too many drinks, I don't think it's gonna happen again.
Like I said higher standards...
Oh well...

Friday, December 18, 2009


I must be out of my mind because I have a date tonight. I think it's too early, I think I'm still bitter, I think I'm still angry. But I'm going to go anyway. I have decided that the standards are going to be so high not any guy is going to measure up, but we shall see.

Saturday, December 12, 2009

The road to happiness starts with me

OK, so the other day I did something I swore I would NEVER do! Ready?? I got a tattoo!! I still can't believe I got a tattoo! I like it. It's cute. It is a frog on the top of my foot. No one will even know when I have on socks and shoes, except I hardly wear socks and shoes! But I like it. And I did it for ME! It made ME happy.

So, thinking about that, I'm going to try this new me. New me, new attitude. Happy. I want to be happy again. I want to be me again. I quit my job where my boss was a complete ass! Just walked right out! It felt liberating, although now I have to find another job. I still have my second job, but I made more money at the one I quit! I'm just trying to make myself feel better. Force myself to make changes... force myself to feel better. I am not going to let some failed fake relationship bring me down. Buck was clearly not worth my time and I believe that I knew that long before his infidelity. I just wanted something that was not there.
NO MORE! I am going to force myself to be happy, if it kills me!

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Getting back to regular programming

I have been undoubtedly depressed and angry. With some adjustment to my medications, I am feeling less angry and more depressed. I have been reading this book called "He's just not that into you." It seems to be insightful in a weird sort of way. It makes me realize some things that I should have not been putting up with for a long time with Buck. It also confirms that once a cheater, always a cheater. Which I did not even consider to be an option any longer. I absolutely could never be with him again. There is no trust and I have no respect left for him whatsoever. He calls trying to make me feel guilty about Luke. But, I am very adamant that he does not have the good qualities that need to be modeled for Luke. Buck is just trying to make himself feel better and at this point I have no consideration for his feelings. He certainly was not thinking about me or Luke while he was cheating. I am very hurt, but know that I have to get past this and I will. I don't know if I will ever fully trust someone again, but I know that currently, that is the last thing I am thinking about. I don't want another relationship. I don't want to open myself up to be hurt again. I just can't.