Saturday, January 30, 2010

Seeking advice

I am considering being a gestational surrogate. I was contacted by the couple and am asking for advice, opinions, suggestions, anything. I am trying to go the way God is leading me, but I'm still unsure. Would I get too attached to the baby before it got here and then we just have no contact? I'm just unsure. I know this would be an incredible gift to them but is it something I should do? I have met with them, they like me, I like them, I think they would be great parents and they have extended family. So, please, any suggestions, comments, advice, I need something.
Thanks, until next time....

Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Happiness?? Are you out there?

I have been emotionally all over the place lately. I feel in my head that I should start dating again. I mean, I'm not getting any younger. But in my heart, I just am not sure what I want. I don't believe that I have to be with someone to be happy, but is that what I want? If that makes any sense. One day I am feeling almost happy and optimistic. The next day I just want to stay in bed all day and not face the world. I don't want to be alone, but I am not sure that I want to be with someone either. And, then there is the fact that my older children especially are being very observant about what I am doing with this dating thing. Will they ever think that it is OK for me to have dinner with someone? I am worried about everything. I want to do what is right for the kids as well as myself. I just want to be happy and I want my kids to be happy. I want to...I don't know. I'm so confused. I don't think emotionally, I am ready for this dating thing. I wish I knew why God has chose the path he has for me. I know I am just supposed to have faith, but having faith is so hard sometimes.

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

I have been trying to be civil with Buck for Luke's sake. I have let Luke go there and spend time with Buck even though I can't stand the thought that my son will think that he is such a role model, when I know what a complete ass he is. I keep trying to stop thinking that I am so angry. But I really am so angry. And I really keep thinking that he has no right to be a part of my son's life. He does not deserve the privilege to be in Luke's life. And yet my son loves him so much. So what is the right thing to do? I am searching for answers. I have prayed about it, I have cried about it, I have screamed and fought about it. And still...I don't know.
I really feel that we should be breaking all ties with Buck and move on. But then, I am taking the only father my son has ever had away from him. Would it be because of my anger or because it is what is best for Luke? I just don't know. But I know that I can not keep going on this roller coaster. Mentally, it is killing me. It is making me crazy.
I do not believe in the road to happiness anymore. It is lost somewhere beyond my reach.

Sunday, January 3, 2010

Lord help me I'm falling........