Where have I been?

     It's been such a long time since I have came to this place. So much has happened. I am happier. I feel like a stronger person. My children are growing up so fast. Dustin has graduated. I can't believe my baby has graduated. The school does not have mid-term graduation so he will walk with his class in June for Graduation, but he has met all the requirements for his diploma and no longer needs to attend class. He is looking for a full time job. He has a girlfriend who has helped him in so many ways. I have literally saw him grow up before my eyes. He is a responsible young man with a good head on his shoulders. I'm so proud of him. Dustin comes to me to talk about important things he is going through, this is something I could never before imagined happening. He has matured and I have also learned different ways to communicate with him. He hated me and everything for so long that this is such an answered prayer for me. CI only dreamed of having this kind of a relationship with him. 
     Myles is a Sophomore this year.  Again, where has the time gone? He turns sixteen in a couple days. My baby Myles is going to be sixteen. He is doing better in school but it is still a struggle to make him get up in the morning and go to school. He tests the limits I have set for him every chance he gets. I have to be all over him about his grades, and he is doing well. He is still getting used to having rules and guidance that he did not get living with his father. 
     Luke is in 5th grade this year. Wow. He turned 11 in October. My Lukey Bear is growing up so very fast. I sometimes wish I could stop time to slow down this growing up thing. His ADHD poses issues with homework and attitude that sometimes is overwhelming and I have a hard time dealing with it sometimes. It is a learning process for everyone. I wonder what he thinks sometimes. I wonder if my frustrations with him will forever change him? I am not the most patient person and sometimes it feels like I am exasperated a lot with him. I don't mean to be, I try to remember that he is just 11, and that the ADHD is difficult for him too, I try to also remember that he is my baby and that it won't always be this way. I try to hang on to this time I have with him because very soon his friends are going to become more important than Mom and Dad. He's not going to want to spend the weekends with his parents, he's going to want to be with his friends. It's a natural part of him growing up. I worry constantly that his ADHD will contribute to poor impulse choices. I worry that I am doing everything wrong. Don't all parents worry they are doing it all wrong?
     I am in such a great place with Buck. We love each other more than either of us could have realized. When I think of my future, I can not see the future without him in it. I worry about him so much. He's getting older and works so hard. He hasn't had a real check up with the doctor, EVER. He goes for the yearly DOT physical, but that does not include blood work, a prostate exam, things that a man of 54 should be having checked out. I worry that something will happen to him. I love him so much, I can't imagine my life without him in it. He is my one and only. Like we were meant for each other. I know it sounds corny, but that is what is in my heart. 
     Sorry I'm such a terrible blogger. It has been almost a year since my last post. I always say I'll try to be better about it, but then I always feel that there is nothing exciting in my life that anyone would want to read about. Maybe I need a blog project, a challenge, something. I'll think about it and maybe in the New Year I can start something.  Right now, I have too many projects started at home that I need to finish first. I am crocheting a bunch of granny squares for an afghan, when I go to Mamaw's in March she is going to show me how to sew them all together. I am sewing cloth pads for my stash and hopefully setting up an Etsy store to sell some if I get good at it. And then there is all the Christmas baking, decorating, cooking and then all the clean up from that. 
     So my blog project will have to wait a little bit. 
     I hope everyone is doing well and that Christmas is a happy time filled with family and love.

Many Blessings

     I have so many blessings to be thankful for I simply can not list them all.
At last...I have all three of my boys under the same roof full time. It is wonderful and chaotic, but it makes my heart full even with the struggles and adjustments. My heart and home are full. I could not ask for more.
     Merriest Christmas to all my dear friends and family near and far. My most sincere wish for you all is peace in your hearts and happiness in the New Year to come.

And my heart breaks

If I was a teenager, I would want to be with the parent that lets me do whatever I want. I would want to be with the parent that lets me stay up all night, not do my homework, not be after me about my grades, not care where I am or who I am with, not care what I'm doing, I have no supervision or guidance. I can do whatever I want. There are no chores.

If my other parent was totally the opposite, well of course I would want to be where I have more freedom and no one watching over my back all the time. I get it. I really do.

...But as that other parent, it is so hard to accept that my child only wants me when he can get something out of it. My sweet child only uses me for his benefit and then I'm kicked to the curb like yesterdays trash. It hurts. It breaks my heart. And yet I keep trying to do what is best for him although he hates me for it. That is my job...right? To keep trying and trying until there is nothing left of me, because it is what is best for him although no one seems to care except me. I don't know how much more my heart can take. I miss my sweet boy. I want him back.

While I wasn't looking

I must admit...I really miss my children being younger. The teenagers are growing up so fast. Next year my oldest baby will be 18. He's talking of joining the military, which makes me so proud and yet scared to death. Also next year I will have two kids in high school and my baby will be in fourth grade! How did that happen? I look at them all and still see my little babies, no matter how big they get. It's wonderful and sad at the same time. They don't need me as much, which gives me more time for things that I've always said I wanted to do, but now I just want them to spend time with me, but they have friends and plans that they don't want to have family movie night anymore. It's been on my mind a lot lately, what am I going to do when they all grow up?
Eventually, it's just going to be me and the animals.
Maybe I will actually end up being the crazy cat lady...

2013

Welcome 2013.

I'm sure hoping you will bring better things than 2012. I'm hopefully optimistic about it.

My children are all going to be going to the same schools. My children are all under one roof. My children are all healthy and safe. I'm looking for a different place to live, because my kids don't want to go to Kentucky. So I will have to find a place closer to here that will work until I can get to Kentucky sometime in my life. Right now though it just isn't the right time.

I have lots of goals for myself for this year. I want to try to be a more patient person. I want to be on time, I'm always late and it is stressful. I want to be more timely. I want to show my children that they can have disagreements and no swear and get angry. I will be working on this as well. I want to stop swearing. I don't think I swear a lot but even when I do, I just feel it is not necessary to get your point across, and I want them to watch what they are saying. We are going to implement a swear jar.

I'm going to watch what I eat and continue to make healthy choices for me and my family. I want to really focus on the important things in life, because I have been shown that just so quickly things can change. I want my kids to always know that I love them with my whole heart from my actions, words, and reactions.

I think this is a great way to start the year. Many blessings to you as we start this brand New Year.

Making Changes

Changes are hard. There is just something about stepping outside your comfort zone and changing the way you do things. I have never been one to really embrace change and it has not been my friend in the past. But lately I have been thinking more and more about change and I am learning to embrace it. I want change. I'm hoping that it leads to a happier, healthier, and more fulfilling life for me and my children.

I anticipate moving to Kentucky by the end of the year. Honestly...I can not get there fast enough. I am excited to start fresh someplace new. I want to have chickens, a garden, goats, and cats! Now finding the right place where I can have all these things, well that's gonna be a chore. I'm hoping that God just leads me in the right direction. I want to can my own jam and veggies.

I want to live simpler and happier. I want to be more self sustaining, less dependant on market. I have made small adjustments in some things that I'm doing. I realize that this is a slow process, but I'm working on it. And I'm enjoying the changes that I am making to live a more simple, frugal life. I have started making my own laundry soap, which by the way is dirt cheap compared to the name brand stuff I was buying, and this stuff works every bit as good. I was so stuck on the name brand, but after I got over that, I really do prefer the homemade stuff. I am using homemade goats milk bar soap instead of commercial body wash (with all the chemicals), I have been using a homemade shampoo bar followed by an apple cider vinegar rinse for my hair. And surprisingly, I like it. Without all the chemicals.

I have been buying organic produce and fresh farm meats. Also, I have been buying fresh farm milk, cheese, butter and eggs. I can not tell you the difference in taste and I feel better using it. I didn't even think that I liked milk until I started buying this milk. It is delicious. It keeps longer than store bought, it tastes better, and I know where it comes from. It may not be lifestyle choices for everyone, but I am liking the choices I am making for my family and myself.

Are there things that you do to feel you are making a difference??
Tell me. I want to learn more.

Reflecting

I have been thinking a lot lately about my Mamaw. If things go as planned, I hope to move closer to her. I think of how she is getting older and about a time when she may no longer be with us. I try not to think about that too often, because...well that thought makes me have panic attacks. I dread the day that my Mamaw is not a phone call away. I want to be closer to her. I want to be the one to care for her when that time comes, no matter how difficult she can be. I want to be near her and soak up all the knowledge that she has to offer me. I want my children to know and love her like I do. It has just been on my mind so much lately. I can't get there fast enough.

Happy Mother's Day to you all.

I'm so blessed with my three boys. I have been given the gift of being their mother. Not just any mother, but Dustin's mother, Myles's mother and Luke's mother. I have given life three times to three individual and special souls. I forget sometimes how blessed I am to be a mother so this year I'm relishing in the fact that I am their mother. Our days may not be perfect but they sure are worth it. And I am grateful for my own mother and the other mothers in my life. My sisters, my friends, Aunts both living and in Heaven, and my Mamaw. I guess I need to be reminded sometimes how blessed I am to be given such a gift. So I am thankful today.
Happy Mother's Day to all of you Moms out there.

16 candles on his ice cream

My boy turned 16 today! I can hardly believe that. It seems like just yesterday he was born. The time goes by so fast. It truly does. I never believed that saying until I had my own children. But, it's a fact of life...they grow up. He is anxiously awaiting the coveted drivers license and tinkering with his truck so much that I will be surprised if the thing even runs by August when he will be getting his license. He hasn't figured out the saying if it ain't broke don't fix it! I usually bake a cake for my kids on their actual birth day, but since Dustin doesn't like cake, I asked him if he wanted me to make him brownies or go to Dairy Queen. He chose DQ, so we went there after school, got ice cream and hot dogs. We ate the ice cream before supper. I will have a birthday party for him next weekend.
Happy Birthday Dustin, you'll always be my first baby no matter how old you get.

Hoping for a better week...

So about 2 weeks ago on January 23rd, I went to the ER for pain in my side and ended up having an emergency surgery to remove my appendix. Until that point, I had never had a surgery before, so I had no idea how painful it is. Three tiny holes, hurt so much! It's crazy. I think they rearranged all my innards. It was quite inconvenient, as most emergency surgeries are I suppose. My Mom had to leave to go out of town for work that day, my youngest sister was working and taking care of her own kid, my other sister runs a daycare out of her home...my kids had to get back and forth to school. (And through it all my sisters were there doing everything for me, even visiting me in the hospital. :)) I know it's a lot of complaining. I'm so sorry, that seems to be my nature lately and I HAVE GOT TO  change that way of thinking. I'm working on it, I promise. Went in on a Monday and went home on Thursday. So, a week later, I go back to the ER to be diagnosed with pneumonia, a common side effect from surgery, wow that hurt too. And I keep thinking of my friend who has just had multiple surgeries. Love to you. I'm hoping to go back to work next week. I still feel tired and not myself but I have to get back to work. I really can't afford to be off work.
So the interesting part is that I went for my follow up visit with the surgeon this past Friday and he said that my appendix was very unusual because it was infected on the outside and the indie was still healthy which he said is very unusual and that it is very possible that there is something else wrong and that the appendix was covering it up or that the appendix became infected from another neighboring organ. I had been putting off an appointment with the OB/GYN, but I have an appointment scheduled with her this week and he also suggested I make an appointment with my general Dr. to see if there is any other tests he'd like to do. I think I'm going to be going to quite a few more doctor visits in the near future.
How are all of you??

I'm Unrestricted!! YAY

The case is closed. We resume regular schedules that we had before this nightmare started. I'm sure there will be many new issues, since Dustin is now staying with me exclusively, and Myles will be going back and forth with the schedule that we had before. I'm sure there will be issues. But thank GOD we don't have to deal with these people in our lives anymore. I'm so glad.
CASE CLOSED!

In light of that, I have lifted the restricted reader setting from my blog. Welcome back, if I still have any followers out there.

time for change

So this court case is still going on about my boys. It will be closed out in about a month and things will go back to normal, with my ex husband and I having joint custody and trading kids back and forth with me doing all the work once again. He still does not take responsibility for his actions and blames Dustin for everything. He lets Myles run around all over with no supervision and little regard for what he is doing. He does not make dinner when they are there, he barely cleans their clothes. He just gets to go back to life as usual and I am doing all the work. I am bitter. I am resentful. I am angry. I am feeling sorry for myself I guess. Dustin has decided that he in fact does not want to go back to joint custody with his father. He wants to stay with me, which is of course what I have wanted all along, my kids with me. But then I think what if he is just doing this until the next time he gets mad at me, then he wants to go back to Dad. I am more than ready for the court to get out of our life but the chances of something happening again with their Dad is certain to happen. What should I do??

Group photo shoot

We are going this week to get photos of all the Grandkids. 8 kids in all from ages 15 down to 1. Should be an interesting time. Hopefully they will turn out good. I will post some of the pics after I get them back. I'm excited, but I know it will be hard to get them all to focus on the same thing. We are going to a park setting, so there should be some great outside scenes.

Prayers

Lord, please just watch over my family. We need you so much now and always. There is so much going on. I find myself barely hanging on. I'm trying to focus on my faith, but it is so hard right now to keep my focus on you. Help me, help myself and my family. Keep my boys safe and in your ever loving care. Please help me to help my children and make the right decisions for them. I need your help.

Update

I'm still here. Still lots to update. Still feeling like crap. Still no prior authorization on my meds. We did go to Boonville this past weekend to visit my Aunt and Uncle and retrieve my beloved stolen camera! They erased all the photos I had taken at my other Aunt and Uncle's 25th party, but left photos of themselves when they pawned it! My Uncle is taking the CD with the photos to the PD down there for me. My allergies have been horrible (that time of year I suppose).
I got into it with my cousin over some stupid comment her new boyfriend made on Facebook. The bad part is that it is her Mom that just died in March and I miss talking to her. We cried together quite a bit while I was in KY and now she is angry with me over this guy. I spoke my mind like I always do and she did not like it. Such is life. Will try to update some more, although I have been a horrible blogger lately.

Heavenly Birthdays

Happy Birthday Aunt Eddie, your first in Heaven. How I wish you were here. You would have been 50 today. I still can't believe that you are gone. There is a hole in our family. We all miss you so very much. I hope that you were dancing with the angels, Pa paw and Uncle Dave. When we all meet again, what a day of rejoicing that will be.

I have so much on my mind, I feel like my head could literally explode. I have little energy for anything. I know it is this depression. I can not get into see Dr. Shrink until the 26th. I know that I am needing a medication adjustment, I just don't know what. I really would like to start jogging, but, that leaves me with the problem of who is going to watch Luke while I do that? I need to do something. And bills....at this point, I do not have enough to pay my bills for this month. I have to call my landlord and tell him tomorrow. I am hoping that he will be a little understanding and work with me. If not, then, I don't know what I am going to do. It just really stinks that I am 35 and struggling with money all the time. I have a degree in accounting, but have yet to find that accounting position. I filled out an application last week that I had hopes about, but have not heard anything from them. I intend to call tomorrow to check up on the application.
I am helping y friend out this weekend at a "Going Green Expo" at the fair grounds. Then Sunday for Mother's Day, our family ALWAYS goes to my sister's house for a get together. We have done it for the last 11 years now. I have to bring cheesecakes. That is her only request of me every year. So, I oblige. And lately, I have been craving being with my family. I don't know if it is triggered by how many people I have lost in the last six months or just something going on with me. But it doesn't hurt to want to be with them.
In other news, the giant puppy has taken a liking to chewing up shoes. She gave up electrical cords after being jolted, but she is loving shoes. Two pairs of my work shoes, Two pairs of Ashlee's flip flops when she was up here, and recently, Myles' brand new Nike's. Needless to say, I am less than happy about it and have yet to find a way to deter her from this. (Hitting her with the shoe in anger the other day did not help.) So, if anyone has any ideas or advice, please, do tell. And she does have plenty of chew toys and rawhide bones and harder bones, she's spoiled rotten, and still she chews the shoes! Then, I look at her and remember how badly I needed her when I got her. Mentally, I was a mess. But, I would like her to give up the shoe fetish.
And, Diana, I will be thinking about you this Mother's Day. I know how badly you will be missing your Mom. Love to you. And Vickie, your words mean so much.
Happy Mother's Day.

Funky Town

I'm in a funk!
I can not seem to climb out of. I have been trying to force myself to be more positive. Do more things, but I don't want to. I am happy to sit in the house in my PJ's all day, every day. I don't want to deal with all the issues that Dustin is having right now. He is on a bad path and all the talking in the world is not getting through to him.
I thought I was feeling a little better after the party for my parents and being around the family was good for everyone. But now, with Mother's Day approaching, I am worried about my cousins Becky and Randy too, this will be the first without their Mom. I can't imagine how that is going to be for them. I am thankful that I have my mother and realize that I should make her more aware of how thankful I am that I still have her. There are many people that read this blog that have lost their Mom, my thoughts and prayers will be with you on that day as well.
I have so many other posts in my head. Hopefully tomorrow I will be able to get out another. There is so much on my chest, I feel like it is crushing me.

This and that

I am feeling hopeful today. Hopeful about decisions I have made. Thankful for my family and friends that have always been there even when I was not a willing participant. Thankful for new friends and "sisters" to help me with my walk that God has planned for me. I guess for today at least I am feeling a little happy.

Strange, since I should be worried about bills. Always bills. Never ending bills. My house is a mess. My 14 year old has a girlfriend that I think is getting too friendly.

Mom & Dad renewing their vows

And since I never mentioned since it was a "surprise," we (my sisters, brother and I) had a surprise 25th anniversary party for my parents last weekend. It was so nice. My parents were somewhat surprised, you know our family can't keep a total secret, but they were surprised to see some people that they have not for a long time. My Mom's brothers and their families came from out of town. It was bittersweet since my Aunt was not there and toward the end of the evening, we too the balloon arch that my parent's renewed their vows under and released it in remembrance of those that were not with us that evening. It was bittersweet to say the least. We all felt her presence and her absence.

Sending Balloons to Heaven

But for today, I am hopeful.

More thoughts

My Mom went this week to pick my Ma Maw up from Kentucky. She has a couple doctor appointments up here and my nephews birthday party and some other things going on. So she will be up here back and forth between my house, my Mom's, and my sister's. Now, I know that I have complained about my Ma Maw in the past when we were in the middle of all the care after her surgery and she was crabby and getting homesick. I don't blame her, even I feel better at her house. It's home.
Anyway, with her being up here and my Mom being off work until she finds employment again, it had really got me thinking I want to be near them. I want to spend time with them. Crabby or not, she is here and I want to be near her. I want to be with her. My Mom, the same, crabby or not, I want to be with her. This is new to me. I have never had feelings this strongly about just being by my Mom.
I know that the past few months of this loss has made me more thankful for my family and for my Ma Maw and Mom. I still have them here with me. I can still pick up the phone and call. That is not true for everyone. Not true for my cousin who lost her mother.
So, I am thankful Lord, very thankful that I still have my Ma Maw and my Mom. Thank you.