Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Sad

Starting over sucks.
It hardly seems worth it to put myself out there to be hurt again.
I don't think I will ever fully trust another man again. It hurts and it sucks that it still hurts so very much. I am trying to force myself to be positive. Force myself to be happy. Force myself to get out of bed everyday. I have to get out of bed to go to work, but on days that I am off, I lay around and barely do anything. I do the basics with the kids, feeding them, making them get showered, not kill each other, but other than that I would rather just stay in bed. I know that it's depression. I am trying so hard to deal with it. I don't want to feel like this.
I wish I never met him. I wish that I just walked away in the beginning. How could I not have seen what he really was? How could I have loved him so much and I was just an option for him. Why? Why? Why? And really no answers would ever be good enough. I just wish it were easier to move on and away from him.
I don't want to keep thinking about him. I hate that I still think about him.
I'm still angry.
I don't think there is happiness out there for me.
I am just concentrating on my kids and not going to worry about a man.

Saturday, December 26, 2009

The date was ok.
He was nice but too much of the "Oh but I'm so different than the other guys." I mean, he does not get to decide that, I do. We had dinner and too many drinks, I don't think it's gonna happen again.
Like I said higher standards...
Oh well...

Friday, December 18, 2009

???

I must be out of my mind because I have a date tonight. I think it's too early, I think I'm still bitter, I think I'm still angry. But I'm going to go anyway. I have decided that the standards are going to be so high not any guy is going to measure up, but we shall see.

Saturday, December 12, 2009

The road to happiness starts with me

OK, so the other day I did something I swore I would NEVER do! Ready?? I got a tattoo!! I still can't believe I got a tattoo! I like it. It's cute. It is a frog on the top of my foot. No one will even know when I have on socks and shoes, except I hardly wear socks and shoes! But I like it. And I did it for ME! It made ME happy.

So, thinking about that, I'm going to try this new me. New me, new attitude. Happy. I want to be happy again. I want to be me again. I quit my job where my boss was a complete ass! Just walked right out! It felt liberating, although now I have to find another job. I still have my second job, but I made more money at the one I quit! I'm just trying to make myself feel better. Force myself to make changes... force myself to feel better. I am not going to let some failed fake relationship bring me down. Buck was clearly not worth my time and I believe that I knew that long before his infidelity. I just wanted something that was not there.
NO MORE! I am going to force myself to be happy, if it kills me!

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Getting back to regular programming

I have been undoubtedly depressed and angry. With some adjustment to my medications, I am feeling less angry and more depressed. I have been reading this book called "He's just not that into you." It seems to be insightful in a weird sort of way. It makes me realize some things that I should have not been putting up with for a long time with Buck. It also confirms that once a cheater, always a cheater. Which I did not even consider to be an option any longer. I absolutely could never be with him again. There is no trust and I have no respect left for him whatsoever. He calls trying to make me feel guilty about Luke. But, I am very adamant that he does not have the good qualities that need to be modeled for Luke. Buck is just trying to make himself feel better and at this point I have no consideration for his feelings. He certainly was not thinking about me or Luke while he was cheating. I am very hurt, but know that I have to get past this and I will. I don't know if I will ever fully trust someone again, but I know that currently, that is the last thing I am thinking about. I don't want another relationship. I don't want to open myself up to be hurt again. I just can't.

Saturday, November 28, 2009

Maybe I just wasn't enough. Maybe I will never be enough.

Monday, November 16, 2009

Seriously??

I'm having a hard time with this break up thing. I had invested so much time and trust with Buck. And now I am emotionally a mess. He keeps calling, he thinks that I should still let him see my son. If I'm not mistaken, he was supposed to be a good example in Luke's life. "How to be a good man." It just seems so ironic that the very person telling Luke that was so much less than he portrayed himself to be. "We don't lie. We don't keep secrets." Interesting when that same man was lying and keeping secrets. Unfaithful. It is very upsetting to me that now he feels somehow I am supposed to take his feelings into consideration that he misses Luke and that I should just trust him to continue with the privilege of being in my son's life. I don't know what to do. I don't want Luke to be as disappointed as I am. And, it's not like Luke is begging me where his Dad is. He really has not asked much since it was not unusual that we would be away from Buck when we came home. This is just an extended stay at home in his eyes. I am very hurt and emotional and pissed off really.

Friday, November 13, 2009

Moving on

How am I supposed to get past this? I have so much anger, it is eating me inside. I am so angry. I am so beyond hurt. I don't know how you trust someone and love someone and share your life with them and then it's just gone. Buck cheated on me with the girlfriend he had before me. After six years together, he did this. After countless, I love yous and we are going to be together, just gone! I have so so much anger, I can barely stand it. I am disappointed, hurt, heartbroken and feel like I can never possibly trust someone again. I mean how could I trust someone again? I now that many many people have been in these shoes and worse, but it just feels like I am drowning in it. Our relationship was not perfect and I have stated on here before that I felt like we were on a slow decline, but to end like this! OMG! I am so angry. How do you do that to someone? How could he even stand there and look me and lie right to my face!? And what about Luke now? That was his Dad? Not biologically, but since he was 5 months old. That is not the example I want for my son to lie and cheat on people, but how do I just take that away from him? And how am I supposed to move on and heal with so much anger? I got the dog thinking that would help. I can't really say that it has. I feel just completely betrayed and so depressed. I don't know how to get past this. It hurts.....alot. It hurts more than I want people to know. I don't know how to be the same again. I don't think I could ever trust anyone again, I mean really trust someone. How do you get past this?

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Rest in peace Uncle Dave

My Uncle Dave died today after a battle with pancreatic cancer. It was expected but I had hoped that my Aunt would have some more time with him. I don't know what she is going to do. Please lift them in prayer. This is so close to Gramma's death 3 weeks ago.
It just sucks.
So Friday we will travel to Kentucky for his funeral.

Saturday, October 17, 2009

Gramma

Gramma died Wednesday October 14, 2009. Her daughters are unbelievable. They were fighting about her things before she even died and then were calling, texting, and leaving me messages ALL day until I turned my phone off that evening. I can't believe how they were totally unconcerned about her when she was alive and then immediately started bickering about her belongings. One of her daughters even got in her car and drove here all the way from Mississippi after she died because she has some old paperwork that said that she was the executor of Gramma's will. But her paperwork is old and she drove here to be executor of nothing because they have nothing! Unbelievable! It absolutely sickens me.

Monday, October 12, 2009

I broke off my relationship with Buck last week. We had been having issues. And then he betrayed me and that was the last shove off the edge for me. I did tell him that he can see Luke whenever he wants, but he's hurt me beyond any love I have/had for him. It's crazy that there is such a fine line between love and hate.
So, I have been raging mad since last week to the point that I think I am going crazy. I'm so glad that I already had an appointment with my new psychiatrist this Wednesday. Because I really think that I am losing my mind. So, yesterday, I went and got a puppy! I guess a puppy will fix anything, right? Maybe I should have just got a dog six years ago instead of Buck? I can't and don't want to get into all the details, but I am so hurt and depressed. I've been here before and it's not pretty.


Here's a photo of Bella...our new puppy in all her cuteness.


She is a Great Dane!!

Thursday, October 8, 2009

I just don't have time for the nervous breakdown I deserve, so please, don't ask me to stop and think!

Monday, October 5, 2009

Download

Please forgive me if this rambles but I have so much to say and really should be several posts but it's easier just to spill it all in one.
My brother's girlfriend....where to start there? As I stated before, she is pregnant. And she continues to be the thorn in everyone's side that will just not go away. So, this past week there was the whole Facebook fiasco where we were posting nastiness to each other but separate. Then my sister got in on that cause...well..that's my sister and his girlfriend is just a bitch. So the dilemma stands that no one can stand her and she is pregnant with my brother's baby..my niece or nephew. Please God, let it be a boy. (Whole other post as well)
There are issues with Dustin that I don't even think I am fully aware of yet. A few weeks ago, I found this whole plan he had wrote down on how he was going to run away. I freaked out of course, we eventually talked it out and then he went with his Dad and had more issues there and I had to go wick him up. Now, the other day after school, he had a lighter that he says his friend just came up and gave to him.... No reason,just came up and gave it to him. Well, I'm not stupid and I know that these things do not just happen like that and the kids with lighters are either smoking or setting fires, so why does Dustin want it, why did this kid give it to him, where did it come from since it id not just a cheap Bic lighter, this was an engraved Zippo lighter. And Dustin tells me he just wants it cause he thinks they are cool. I am just not buying into that. So why?? Of course, I spoke to the ex about it and as usual, he thinks I am over reacting to this. He never seems to find a problem with things the kids are doing.
I feel overwhelmed completely. I have to figure out how to be around my brother's girlfriend and not wring her neck or express my disgust for her aloud. I was told to believe that she is invisible, but somehow, I just don't think that is gonna happen.
And, what the heck is going on with my kid? I am trying to figure it out. I talk to him and he actually talks to me. Is this just having a teenager? I don't know.
Oh, and my relationship with Buck....I'll have to post on that later.

Saturday, September 26, 2009

Makeover

So...

My old friend came over last night. I have not seen her for 14 years.

She gave me a makeover. Dyed and cut my hair, did my makeup everything.

I like the hair color, but still can't decide if I like the cut and style. I guess I will try it, but I just don't know.


Here is before and after pics.


Before



After






What do you think?






Thursday, September 24, 2009

99 Things

THE 99 THINGS MEME
1. Started your own blog. Hmmmm...

2. Slept under the stars. Yes
3. Played in a band. No
4. Visited Hawaii. Not yet
5. Watched a meteor shower. No
6. Given more than you can afford to charity. No not more than I could afford at the time
7. Been to Disneyland/world. No
8. Climbed a mountain. Yes
9. Held a praying mantis. No, but I freaked out cause there was one on my porch one day!
10. Sang a solo. Only when alone in my car. Trust me, it’s better that way.
11. Bungee jumped. Can not say that I have or that I plan to.
12. Visited Paris. Not yetbut I would love to some day.
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea. No but I bet it would be beautiful to watch not get caught in.
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch. Sewing
15. Adopted a child. No
16. Had food poisoning. Oh, yes.
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty. I have never been to the Statue of Liberty
18. Grown your own vegetables. Yes, and it’s something I would love to do again. Nothing more exciting than picking your own green beans and going inside to cook them up with some potatoes...
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France. No
20. Slept on an overnight train. No
21. Had a pillow fight. Are there people who haven’t had pillow fights?
22. Hitch hiked. Nope
23. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill. I'm sure that has happened a time or two.
24. Built a snow fort. No
25. Held a lamb. No
26. Gone skinny dipping. Hmmmm...
27. Run a marathon. Uh...no
28. Ridden a gondola in Venice. No
29. Seen a total eclipse. A couple
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset. I have seen both. I prefer sunset
31. Hit a home run. No. I am the least sportsy girl ever
32. Been on a cruise. Nope.
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person. No
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors. Kentucky all the time
35. Seen an Amish community. Only on tv
36. Taught yourself a new language. No
37. Had enough money to be truly satisfied. I wonder if I will ever achieve that
38. Seen the Leaning Tower of Pisa in person. No.
39. Gone rock climbing. No, again, not sportsy
40. Seen Michelangelo’s David in person. I don't think so unless they had it at the Art Institute in Chicago when we went there
41. Sung Karaoke. I have and quite poorly I will admit
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt. No but I think it would be cool
43. Bought a stranger a meal in a restaurant. Yes,paid for someone's coffee, filled random parking meters, and every Christmas we pay for the person behind us at least once andtell the cashier to tell them Merry Christmas (the best feeling)
44. Visited Africa. No, but I’d like to. I would love to see wildlife up close and personal...
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight. Yes.
46. Been transported in an ambulance. Yes, when Dustin fell on his bike, I rode with him to the ER
47. Had your portrait painted. No
48. Gone deep sea fishing. No
49. Seen the Sistine chapel in person. No
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris. No
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling. No.
52. Kissed in the rain. Yes
53. Played in the mud. Yeah.
54. Gone to a drive-in theater. Yes! More than once. I wish there were still one around here so I could take my boys
55. Been in a movie. No unless home movies count
56. Visited the Great Wall of China. No
57. Started a business. Yes.
58. Taken a martial arts class No
59. Visited Russia. No.]
60. Served at a soup kitchen. Ihave and it isa very humbling experience. It made me cry.
61. Sold Girl Scout cookies. No
62. Gone whale watching. No
63. Gotten flowers for no reason. Yes, because I have a sweet guy!
64. Donated blood. I have several times
65. Gone sky diving. No and I don't have plans to.
66. Visited a Nazi Concentration Camp. No.
67. Bounced a check. Unfortunately, yes.
68. Flown in a helicopter. No
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy. I have got some from my MaMaw
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial. No
71. Eaten Caviar. Never!
72. Pieced a quilt. One or two.
73. Stood in Times Square. No
74. Toured the Everglades.Yes
75. Been fired from a job. No.
76. Seen the Changing of the Guard in London. Yes.
77. Broken a bone. No
78. Been on a speeding motorcycle. No
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person. No
80. Published a book. No.
81. Visited the Vatican. No
82. Bought a brand new car. No
83. Walked in Jerusalem. No, but I’d really like to some day.
84. Had your picture in the newspaper. No
85. Read the entire Bible. I have
86. Visited the White House. No.
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating. No.
88. Had chickenpox.Yes
89. Saved someone’s life.Not that I’m aware of.
90. Sat on a jury. No
91. Met someone famous. Not that I can remember
92. Joined a book club. No but I read Oprah's book club picks
93. Lost a loved one. Several
94. Had a baby. Three boys
95. Seen the Alamo in person. No
96. Swum in the Great Salt Lake. No.
97. Been involved in a law suit. Yes.
98. Owned a cell phone. One or two.
99. Been stung by a bee. Bees, wasps, yellow jackets, fire ants, you name it

So, there ya go. 99 things about me.
I guess I am kinda boring.

Who’s next?

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

A recent road trip

I went on a road trip this past weekend with my baby sister. It was a long ride but fun. It was nice to get away from everyone for a couple days. We went to pick up my Ma Maw in Kentucky for her Dr appointment up here for her foot. It was a very long ride back. My Ma Maw, what can I say? It is hard to imagine that I love her so much and at the very same time aggravates me beyond sometimes. Don't get me wrong, I am thankful that I still have her with me. I just don't understand the way she is sometimes. I guess I don't have to understand, just accept it. Sometimes, it is just difficult to do. Anyway...
We also saw my Uncle Dave who was recently sent home with hospice and no further chemo. He was diagnosed in March with pancreatic cancer. When we walked in, I honestly did not even recognize him sitting in the chair. It was a shock even though I know that he has been sick and that the outcome is not what everyone had hoped and prayed for, but I was still surprised. He does not look like himself at all. He does not seem himself either. He's there, but then again, he's not. It was sad. I don't even know what to say to my Aunt. It is certain that her husband is going to die. Really, it is just a matter of time. I hope that they have more time together but only the Lord knows how long that will be. She is totally emotionally unprepared for this and I doubt that she will ever be. How do you brace yourself for that?
Please lift their family in prayer.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Congrats Amanda and Bobby



My cousin Amanda got married this weekend. Well, she was already married so I guess this was for the family. I had a wonderful time with my family despite Dustin's attitude problem during dinner. The next morning I felt like hell and remembered why I'm not supposed to drink like that anymore. My knees are still so sore it hurts to move my legs. I suppose that is from all the dancing although they were not hurting last weekend after the anniversary party we went to.

I went to the doctor this past week, he put me on some blood pressure pills and referred me to a cardiologist which I can not get in to see for a month.
I guess enough boring updates!

Until next time....

I leave you with a couple photos from the wedding.



My parents with all their children.



Me with my "baby" brother and Luke.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

09-09-09

Have not posted much here lately. Nothing very positive to write so I'm just gonna give you all an update. Gramma was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer. She was sent home with no treatment plan. She had a prescription list that had I filled all the medication would have cost $1100.00 at Walgreens today! I did not fill them all, obviously! She only has about $1000 life insurance policy so I am so so worried about how to have a funeral for her with no money? She has no money, her kids have no money, and $1000 won't go far at all.
My MaMaw went home and has been doing good on her own down there. She was telling me that she is having a lot of pain in her heal so she may have moved the screw from standing on it too much. But, we will not know about that until she comes back up to see the orthopedic doctor later this month.
My brother is a proud new homeowner and we're expecting the arrival of his baby in February. I hope it's another boy. There is a whole other post right there, but I'll save that for another time.
Oh, and I told Buck that this is not working for me and that I don't think that we should be pretending anymore that it is going to. So, in my head, we are not together. But apparently in his head, things are ok. He is calling like every day like everything is normal. I love you hunny and all. I know that he completely knew what I was saying when I wassaying it. But, anyway, I brought home a bunch of stuff from his house today while he was at work and will be working on getting more stuff back here over the next week.
So, right now, I am just tring to keep my head above water and deal with things as they are coming my way.
"I can do all things through He who strengthens me..." (I don't know the exact verse, but love the quote)

Saturday, August 29, 2009

Gramma

The lady I care for was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer this past Wednesday. It is not really surprising since she has been a very heavy smoker for years and years, but I was still in shock a little to hear the news. Sad too. I know I have complained about her on her before but I do care about her very much. She is being sent home on Monday with no treatment plan. There will be a visiting nurse, therapist, and home helper until we may need further assistance like hospice.
She just said to me that she wanted to outlive her husband who has been in a nursing home for 4 years. He is 91, but seems healthy for his age except he has Alzheimer's. I promised her that if something happened to her that I would still look after him.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

School Starts Tomorrow

Wow, my baby starts school tomorrow.
He is crazy excited about it! I have mixed emotions about him going to Kindergarten. He is growing up so fast. He will be six years old in October. It just does not seem possible. But here we are on the doorstep of school.
I love you Lukey Bear.

Also tomorrow, Dustin starts 7th grade in middle school. He is not so happy about school starting. I am hoping that he has a better school year than last year.

Myles will be in 5th grade tomorrow. Wow.

Again, they are just growing up too fast. Sometimes I wish I could freeze time. There is a song called, "You're gonna miss this" I don't know who sings it, but it could not be true.

Some lines go:
"You're gonna miss this. You're gonna want this back. You're gonna wish these days didn't go by so fast. These are some good times...so take a look around. You may not know it now but you're gonna miss this."

Oh how that must be true.

Monday, August 10, 2009

What am I doing??

I am trying not to drop my class. I don't know if I will pass now with all the work I have not done still. I could just kick myself in the ass! AGAIN! And still , I sit here blogging about it instead of writing a paper because I have not read all the material form last week for a paper that was due yesterday and then new week starts tomorrow....

Sunday, August 9, 2009

Depression Sucks

I'm so depressed. I just can not seem to bring myself out of it. I do have an appointment with Dr. Shrink on the 14th. I sure hope that she can help me do something. Maybe my meds need adjustment. I don't know, but I can not seem to get anything done and I am really far behind in my class again. This is the third time I am taking this same class and I am behind AGAIN! This is going on week 4 of a 5 week class and I am so far behind that I do not know if I will be able to catch up and actually pass the class. I have never been like this since starting my accounting classes.
My relationship with Buck is on a slow decline. I'm sure that is where we are headed. And I wish I could say that it bothers me, but...
We are just too different in our thinking and what it is that we actually want from each other. And I'm just too tired of trying to please everyone else. I want to do things for me. Maybe that is selfish, but that is how I am feeling. I wish I could say that a relationship seems worth it, but I really can't see that it is.
Maybe it's the depression talking. Maybe not.
My baby starts school in about a week. I thought I was going to be so happy about it. Now not so much. I mean after all, he is the baby. This is the last child I have that will be starting school for the first time. I'm happy to see the little man that he is becoming but sad to see my baby growing up. I remain upbeat and happy about it for him when we are talking about it, but inside I am screaming, it's too soon...not yet...just one more year
I know he will be fine and he will thrive.
Sorry for all the negativity lately. I'm just trying to work through this mess of my life right now.
Until next time...

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

I can never think of an interesting title

I have been very busy. This is the third week of five for my class. I am so not motivated for this. I have been slacking just like the last time I took this class. I don't know what my problem is with this class.
My MaMaw is doing well. She has a check up with the doctor tomorrow. He is most likely going to remove her stitches and replace the cast. She stayed with me last weekend to give my sister a break. OMG! She's a lot of work, but so worth it. I enjoy having her here with us.
On another note, my brother's girlfriend is pregnant. Found this out a couple weeks ago. It is still undecided how everyone feels about this since this girl has never really tried to speak to any of us and expects my brother to wait on her hand and foot. I'm sure since she is pregnant that she is going to be handicapped! That irritates me to no end. When I was pregnant with all my kids, I never expected anyone to wait on me. With the last one, I was back at work cleaning apartments two days after he was born and I had worked right up until the day before I had him. When I was pregnant with Myles, I was on the roof hanging Christmas lights. And with Dustin, we had bought the house and I moved, painted, ripped out carpet by myself while the ex was at work. Anyway...if my brother is happy, then I am happy. I am sure that she got pregnant on purpose, but the only thing that matters now to me is that my brother is happy and we are going to have another baby in our family. I know my brother is going to be a good father. He is so good with all his nephews and niece.
Nothing much else to say here. I am waiting for the weekend so I can relax at home in my Pj's.
Until next time....

Sunday, July 26, 2009

On and On and On

So, My class started again last week. I am already struggling with the reading and assignments like I did last time. Emotionally, I have just felt drained and depressed. I do not feel that Buck and I are going to be together much longer. Luke will be starting school soon and we will not be spending as much time there and I honestly do not feel Buck is going to make the effort to come out here. So we are drifting apart. And really, I have known that this was going to come. It's no surprise to me at all, disappointing, but no surprise. It is what it is.
My Ma Maw will be spending the weekend with me next weekend. I really think that my sister is needing a break and I am more than happy to help with her care. I just don't know how I am going to get very much else done with her here. I started my classes again this past Tuesday and I am still struggling with keeping up with the reading and the assignments. I have to complete this class this time. I HAVE TO. This is the third time I am taking it, and it is going to affect my financial aide if I do not take it now.
I go for the second night of my sleep study this Tuesday and have the follow-up appointment with the Endocrinologist this Thursday. Hopefully they will have some answers for me.
Oh, and my brother sprung the news yesterday that his girlfriend is pregnant. So if Phil is happy about this then the rest of the family must be happy for him as well. And who does not love babies that you can send home? But, I sense that she may have felt turbulance in that relationship and after over 3 years, well her birth conrtol pills stopped working? I really think he should have had so say in the timing of that, but again, if my brother is happy, then I am happy for him. I hope we keep the boy streak going. So far out of 7 Grandkids, we only have one girl. We need another boy.
Until next time....

Friday, July 17, 2009

Updating

My Ma Maw's surgery went well. She is in some pain, but she looks great and I think that she is doing really well. I went to see her today. Her toes are straight on that foot. The first time I think I have ever seen her toes straight. She is in a cast now and can not put any weight on that foot, so she is basically stuck at my sister's house where someone is home all the time. It sucks really, cause I would like to pick her up and bring her home with me for a few days like we were doing before the surgery but I really have no way to get her in the house. So, for right now, I will go to my sister's to visit with her. But she is fine. I had so much anxiety about her surgery the night before she went in, I could not sleep all night. I just could not stop thinking that what if something went wrong? But, everything went good and I am thankful for that. I really hope that this will help her to be in less pain. Love you Ma Maw.

Friday, July 10, 2009

Intermission

A few updates
I have been very discontent lately. I'm not sure why. I just feel unhappy and depressed. I am trying to pull myself out of it, but I am finding it increasingly difficult. I'm sure that my meds need adjusting, but I have been unable to actually go see the psychiatrist since the insurance change left me with her not on the provider list and others had a wait. Now last week I call again and am told that she is on the provider list but she is going on vacation and will not be in until the end of the month. So, I have medication to last me. I just think that maybe we need to change the meds.
I am going for a sleep study at the end of this month. I am hoping to find answers for my excessive and very loud snoring that Buck keeps complaining about. He actually gets up to sleep on the couch or just goes to the couch to sleep instead of going to bed with me, which has also been bothering me. I know that he needs to sleep too. I know that he is a light sleeper. But still it bothers me that we are just falling into these routines that are in my opinion very unhealthy for our already complicated relationship. And, when he does sleep with me and he has been woke up by my snoring, he gets angry and shitty with me like I am snoring just to keep him awake or something. It's ridiculous.
I also have a follow up appointment with the Endocrinologist at the end of this month. I will find out the results from the extensive blood tests that they did. And hopefully they will have some answers for me and get me feeling better.
My Ma Maw's surgery is finally scheduled for this coming up Wednesday. I am worried for her but know that this surgery will improve her walking and hopefully relieve her of some pain that she has had from her foot being so distorted and walking on the inside of her ankle. Time will tell. She will remain up here at my sister's house to recover since she will not be able to put any weight on that foot for 6 to 8 weeks.
I start back with my classes for my Bachelor's degree on July 21st and I totally am not ready to do that, but I can not take off any more time without it affecting my financial aide. So, I must start again. I don't know how I am going to be able to concentrate on that with so many things going on and my mind is just not in the right place to start with new classes. I hope that I can get into gear with that. I need to. I have to.
I have been quiet lately, well at least where blogging is concerned. I have been feeling so negative about almost everything, and I just don't want to spread that negativity around. It's already all around me. Feels like it is swallowing me up. I feel like I am drowning in it.

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

'See you later' is harder than I thought

Our very close friends, Luke's Godparents are moving away next month some time. I am so sad about this. We have been very close and they watched Luke a lot for me when he was younger and I was working. Luke is very attached to them and so are the other boys. I'm trying not to see it as Goodbye, but 'see you later' but just don't know when that later is going to be. They are not moving far, far but far enough that I know we will not be seeing them very much. It just makes me sad and I am not looking forward to sending them off. I thought I would protest like I have done when the girls went off to college, but protesting got me nowhere. The girls still went off to college and Heather is getting married next year and moving even further away. It just is weighing on my heart today. I know that they are having a moving sale this week, I hope that goes well for them. But wherever they go, they are going to be in our hearts for always.

Friday, July 3, 2009

Blah

Have not really had much to say lately. Sick and tired hearing about Michael Jackson. My kids won't stop fighting. Having issues with Buck. Just nothing positive to say right now, so taking a little break.
Until next time.

Friday, June 26, 2009

Pathetic politicians

Seriously, I can not believe how people are going on and on about Michael Jackson's death. The same people who are 'mourning' his death today were throwing stones that he was a child molester a couple years ago. And, the mayor of Gary, Oh.My.God! Actually trying to persuade the Jackson family to have the funeral in Gary! What in the world is he thinking? I don't believe that Michael Jackson made all that many visits to Gary after he moved so many years ago. It is just embarrassing, and I do not even live in Gary. Where would they put all the people that may come for a funeral for Michael Jackson? How does the mayor think that he could pay for security for something like that, but the fire and police departments are understaffed. I work in Gary and seriously, it is not a place for a funeral of that magnitude. Any way to capitalize on someone else's tragedy. I hate that people are like that. And it happens all the time. Just pathetic!

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Wow

Michael Jackson and Farrah Faucet have both died today.
Wow.
An era has ended.

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Old friends

I ran in to a dear old friend today by some fluke. He actually came to the yard looking for work. I was working at the yard today and had to get the application for him. I did not even recognise him until I looked at his driver's license. I recognised the name. Then it came to me who he was. We were pretty good friends in HS. It was nice to see someone from the past. And we talked just like we were back in HS for a little while before I had to get back to work. :) I gave him my email.
Finally a good post!

Saturday, June 20, 2009

I need to get my butt in gear

I have so many things to do and absolutely no motivation to get them done. I don't know how that is going to work!
At the Endocrinologist office the other day, she ordered a bunch of blood work on me (12 tubes) so hopefully something will show up there that will give me some answers as to why I have been feeling so crappy. Or maybe it is all just from depression and I am needing to see the Psychiatrist more than any other doctor. I just don't know.
Sorry for the short posts lately, I just have no words right now.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Crazy scheduling coming up, please disregard the current program interruption....

This week just seems to be so busy. I work in the morning, have to pick up Dustin and Myles from the Dad. I have an appointment with that Endocrinologist tomorrow at 3pm. After that, I have to figure out something to make the children some dinner. My Ma Maw is up here now and we/my sister is trying to get her surgery scheduled for hear foot. She has to be cleared by a doctor in the St. Anthony network and also have a Doppler on her leg all before they will set a surgery date. She has already been told that she will not be able to put any weight on it for 6 to 8 weeks. Of course, I worry about her, but she really needs this surgery.
My other sister has some issues going on in her relationship and personally that she just does not want to face or that she just is not ready to deal with. I do not think that they as parents, realize that everything they do affects my 2 year old nephew. And I can not really write more about it here, because some of my family members may read my blog since I have never kept it a secret. And I do not want to add any more fuel to the fire going there.
Buck started a new job yesterday. He seems to like it, for now. He always seems to get really geared up for the next new job and then shortly afterward, well, he's unhappy about the pay or what he has to do or the tools that he has to constantly carry around. They are getting him too cheap, and he knows that this place is getting him too cheap, he just needed to get out of that last job. We will see what happens with this, I suspect that in 6 months or so, he will start looking for another job that will pay him more.
I also have another appointment on Monday after work for my ear. It is still infected. It is sore and swollen. It still has crap in there, so I think I need more antibiotics to fully get rid of it. I still have drops to put in there, but I think it is not enough. This last course just was not enough. I don't know what to do about all these ear infections. I have had more and more of them in the last ten years.
This weekend coming up is going to be one of my nephew's birthday party, which also happens to be on Father's Day. Buck is probably going to be working, so he will not be with us at my sister's and Luke will have to see his Dad later in the evening to give him his gift and cards.
I can not think of anything else to update about at the moment. I have some photos to upload, but the camera battery is dead, and right now, I am just too lazy to set it up to the computer, so that will have to be another day.

Friday, June 12, 2009

Facebook

My new Facebook username link, in case anyone is interested

www.fbook.me/bonnydrake

Another good checkup

Myles appointment went fine. No change in anything which is what we want. We go back in another 6 months. The Doc said that at least for the next 2 years every 6 months appointments will be good and then once a year after that. So this is good. I know that he is fine, but still, I can not help but worry. I try not to, but I can't help it. So, he is 3 years cancer free!! How awesome is that! So happy and blessed.
Until next time...

Saturday, June 6, 2009

Just wonderful

OK, so I broke down and took the cat to the vet. I think that the vet is a quack. He seems to think that Smokey has spontaneously developed allergies even though not a single thing in his environment has changed! His skin is not even red one bit where he has apparently licked the fur off. It's not terrible like the cat is bald or anything, but I was worried about it and I guess I just confirmed that he is fine and just maybe bored and over grooming himself. So, I wasted $70 for the vet to tell me that out of the blue the cat has allergies and that I can buy him some allergy pills for $65 for a month supply. And change his food because the food that he has ate for the last like five years is now maybe causing an allergy. Hmmm. Just great. Thanks Mr. No Explanation, I don't think we will be coming back to see you any time soon.

Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Random thoughts

I don't have a real structured post today, not that my posts are usually structured, cause I have not had a real steady stream of thoughts lately, just things constantly going through my head. Rambling.
Today was such a long day. My boss had a bunch of stuff that he wanted me to take care of, and of course, waited until the last 2 hours of the day to tell me everything. So, I was rushing and I hate that. It stresses me out.
Tomorrow is the last day of school for the boys. They are so happy to be off for the summer break. That just means that it is closer that Luke will be going to school this fall and Dustin will be in middle school when school resumes. Myles, thankfully, he will still be in the elementary school for another couple years. The cat is still losing a little more hair. I go for the Endocrinologist appointment on Tuesday and then Myles will have his 6 month check up at the Children's hospital. I'm sure his scans will be good again, I just can not help but stress over it every time we have to go.
I'm worried about money as usual. There are more bills than I can afford to pay. I still have not been able to find a job with that degree I have! So glad that I have student loans totalling more than $23,000 and no job to accompany that. Kinda seems pointless to have the piece of paper right about now.
Oh, yeah, tomorrow, the kids get out of school early since it is the last day. After work, I have to go grocery shopping for Gramma, Luke has to be picked up from daycare, Dustin has an appointment in Merrillville at 5pm, Myles has a baseball game at 5pm in Highland, don't know how I am going to be in two different towns at the same time...
I think that my Mom may take Myles to his game, but even then, she has to work and I don't know how I am going to get him to her and still have Dustin to his appointment on time. I just hate days like that. So, until next time....

Thursday, May 28, 2009

I have an appointment with an Endocrinologist on June 9th.
Hopefully he will be able to figure out what is going on with me.
I'm so tired of feeling this way. I can not even describe how this feels.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Worth Considering...

I got this in an email and it truly is words to live by.

Worth Considering
Written By Regina Brett, 90 years old, of The Plain Dealer, Cleveland , Ohio.
"To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lesson s life taught me. It is the most-requested column I've ever written. My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:"
1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.
3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.
5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.
8. Its OK to get angry with God. He can take it.
9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.
10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.
12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.
13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.
15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.
16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.
17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.
18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.
19. It’s never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.
20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take No for an answer.
21. Today is special. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets and wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion.
22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.
23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.
24.The most important sex organ is the brain.
25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'
27. Always choose life.
28. Forgive everyone everything.
29. What other people think of you is none of your business.
30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
33. Believe in miracles.
34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.
35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.
37. Your children get only one childhood.
38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.
39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.
40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.
41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
42. The best is yet to come.
43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.
44. Yield.
45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift."

Saturday, May 23, 2009

Pointless rambling

Not much going on this weekend. The kids let me sleep in this morning, which was really nice. Decided to stay in my PJ's all day. I am hopelessly addicted to the Farm Town game on Facebook and have wasted way too much time online today. Monday we are having a cookout at my parent's house.
In other news, I got Luke's results from the Kindergarten Roundup, overall, I think he did pretty good. He was average in some things, above average in others and on the lower of average on one assessment. I know not to read too much into these right now. And he is going to be placed in the afternoon class as I had requested, so that is good. It will work out so much better with daycare and having to pick the older kids up from school as well.
I made pork and cabbage last night for dinner, it was great! Today I made lime chicken in the crock pot...I really love the crock pot. I cut up a watermelon after dinner, I swear it was gone in about 5 minutes, I kid you not.
Oh yeah, I finally made myself an appointment with the doctor on Thursday. I was in the office for 3 hours! (Which is why I put off going there so much.) Of course, I had Luke with me and he was getting bored and tired of being there as I was too. The doctor actually saw me for about 5 minutes or less and then sent me to the lab for a blood test. We waited some more at the lab. When we finally got back there, Luke was standing by the wall because there was only the chair for the patient to get blood work done. I told him "don't touch anything" and the lab technician said "oh yeah, you better come over here away from there, there are needles on that table" well naturally, I about bit her head off, cause 1) I was sitting right there, 2) He was not touching anything to begin with 3) I already had it under control without her opening her mouth to tell my kid what to do when I was sitting right there. It just made me so angry. He wasn't touching anything, he was not misbehaving. So, I feel she had no business saying anything to my kid since I was right there. Anyway, I finally went because I have been very depressed, I have gained about 50 pounds in the last year (which is also depressing), I have been so so crabby and moody, my hair has been falling out so bad everyday that my hair is noticeably thinner, and I just generally do not feel good. Well, the doctor says that those are all symptoms of a slow thyroid. He ordered a blood test and I will find out the results on Tuesday. He also gave me a script for allergies, which is nothing new. Darn sinuses and allergies.
So, this weekend I am staying home and trying to relax and then Monday we are going to my parent's. My Mom has been bugging the crap out of me since Thursday about can Luke spend the night, can Myles spend the night, can Dustin spend the night! Does she not realize that my kids spend half their time with me and half of the time with my ex, so this is MY weekend. And then I have to point that out to her. Seriously, come on.
Maybe I will get some good photos this weekend. Well, enough rambling for now.
Until next time.....

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Again about the cat

OK, I know the last post was about the cat too, but....
Smokey has bald spots on his stomach and one on each front leg. I am totally freaking out about it. He is 10 years old. He has never had anything like this before. I googled and called around to vets yesterday about it. Of course the vets all say well, they can not say without seeing him, which will cost me an arm and a leg usually. I seriously can not afford to take the cat in to the vet right now. So after speaking to several vets yesterday, I have decided to watch it and see if it gets worse. It is does, then I will be taking him to the vet. I would not be so hesitant about it, but these spots are not red at all, they are not scaly at all, he's not itching at all, it does not look irritated at all. On a google search, some articles say that he could be excessively grooming and essentially licking his fur off from stress or boredom. So, I will be buying him some toys today while I am at Walmart and praying that this does not get worse. I have been so worried about it for the last two days now. I am constantly checking to see if it is worse or looks irritated, but it really looks fine, just that there is no fur there.
So Internets, has anyone ever experienced this problem with their cat?? Please tell me about it.

Monday, May 18, 2009

Just for the record...

I really hate scooping the cat box!
It is Dustin's job mostly, but when they are with their Dad, well, I have to and I really hate it. But, Smokey must have a clean place to do his business, so, I shall do it until Dustin gets here! Poor Dustin.
Just for the record.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Feeling down

I dropped my class today.
I was too far behind to catch up in the next two weeks. I could not focus on the readings, so I put them off. I could not focus on the assignments, so I put them off. I was so excited and felt such accomplishment when I completed the Associates degree, I thought my life was going to change, FINALLY. It didn't. At first I was so excited to start my classes toward the Bachelor's degree and now, I don't even think it matters.
I'm just so depressed right now. It sucks.
I wonder if I am just destined to be stuck in this place. It sucks. I just feel so miserable and like I have failed.
I have been crabby with everyone lately. I have been angry with my kids about so many things in the last week. I worry that the memories they will have will be of me being angry and not the good times that we have. But, more and more, there have been less good times and more aggravation and anger. I feel frustrated that my kids do not listen to me. Dustin tries to say and do whatever he wants, with no regard for what I tell him or ask him to do or not to say. He has anger issues and I know that his father has a temper and apparently I do too. Myles has a smart mouth. He also completely ignores what I tell him to do. I tell him to hang up his clothes, he goes to his room, comes out like he did it and an hour or two later, I go in his room and there are the clothes I told him to put away! It infuriates me! Luke picks up their habits and obviously only thinks that he has to behave when we are with his Dad. Is it me? Am I doing something wrong? I must be. I feel like a bad mother because my kids do not listen and I yell at them. I feel like I spend all my time yelling at them and not enjoying the time that we are together.
I just am not in a good place right now. I feel like I am stuck here and there is nothing that I can so to change the situation. I do realize that things are not going to change without some action from me, but what am I supposed to do? I don't know. And I hate that I don't know.
I have not been able to find a thing to be happy about. I am stressed on so many levels, I want to crawl in bed and wait for time to me pass by.
I just am not happy and I don't know how to fix it.

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Mother's Day

Well today I spent most of Mother's Day being angry with my kids for not listening to me, fighting with each other, and just generally misbehaving. We went to my sister's house for the annual Mother's Day celebration. There was tons of food. Lots of people. It was nice. But really, I am just depressed about my kids and just life in general at this point. I wanted to take the kids and drop them off and go back home alone for Mother's Day. But, we all went together. The kids played outside the whole time we were there. I caught up with my Mom and sister's. My brother came out there too after he got off work.
Overall, I'm glad today is almost over and pray that tomorrow will be better.
And then, I read some of the blogs that I follow and I hear how they are suffering this Mother's Day because their children are no longer with them and it makes me feel terrible because here I am and I have all my children with me and have only been mostly angry with them all day. I am thankful for my children and all that they bring to my life. I know that sometimes I need to lighten up and not get bent out of shape when things are not going exactly how they should, but that has been increasingly difficult for me lately. I know I have not been very uplifting with my posts lately, I'm sorry for that. I am just trying to work out so many things in my head and in my life.
Thanks for reading.
Happy Mother's Day to all my Momma readers.
Until next time....

Oh, and I forgot my camera so no Mother's Day photos to post. Did not even realize I forgot it until I got back and it was on the table.

Friday, May 8, 2009

I think I'm going to invest in wine

I have been having some serious problems with Luke not listening to me or really just in general. He just completely ignores me. We had the incident last week with the stranger business. And he had not been listening last week. A couple weeks ago, the daycare lasy had said that he was not being nice to his friends at daycare, friends one minute and can't stand the kid the next minute, he even hit this boy. Then today, I pick him up and she tells me the exact same thing about the friends and he hit this boy again. So, I go to Meijer for some things right after picking him up from daycare, and he has a complete meltdown in Meijer because I took the plastic $1 ball away from him so I COULD PAY FOR IT!
Seriously, he started crying, whining, snot and drool everywhere. He's 5 years old! I was so angry. I gave the ball to the neighbor kid when we got home, just so he would get the picture that I'm not messing around. I don't know what is the problem with him. Maybe it's me. But this is making me crazy.
Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

Oh, and as a side note, my hair is falling out, like a lot. It's kinda freaking me out.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Cheering for Noah

My friend, Tilda, from one of the Mom's groups that I have belonged to for a couple years now, she is having a very difficult situation and could really use all the prayers that can be sent their way. Last week, her 9 year old son collapsed at swimming. It turns out that he had a massive stroke/brain bleed. I hope I am saying that right. There has been a website set up and I would really appreciate if you could just drop her a line of well wishes.

http://www.hopefornoah.com/

There are some photos of Noah and an update page you can read for the latest updates. He is partially paralyzed on the right side and is having difficulty talking. He has a long rough road ahead to recovery.

Love to you Tilda.

Monday, May 4, 2009

Makeover

Gave the blog a makeover last night. Not sure if I like it or not. I'm not one big for change, but I'll give it a couple days. I may change it back or find a different one. Not sure yet.
Until next time...

Friday, May 1, 2009

Worry, worry, worry and repeat

After a crazy, busy week I am looking forward to staying home this weekend in my PJ's. I have tons of homework to catch up on that I have managed to neglect all week. Now I have to work on that this weekend. I don't know that I will ever get totally caught up now, since I am almost two whole weeks behind and the class is only five weeks long. We shall see what happens this weekend. I am optimistic, but reserved about it as well.

My sister took Ma Maw home to Kentucky today. I have to say that I am sad that she has left. I always feel like it is the last time that I am going to see her and I hate feeling like that. I have serious anxiety about it. I do call her daily, but it is never the same as being with her and spending time with her.

Myles managed to step on a nail at his Dad's house and his foot is now infected. Dustin had hours of homework to do last night. He actually stayed up later than I did. Then, he did not finish it until this morning before we left for school. I also found out just tonight that the Middle School orientation for the parents is this coming Tuesday of which Dustin failed to mention. He doesn't feel that we should have to know about the Middle School, he's going there, not the parents. Or perhaps his father already knew about it and failed to share that information, which could totally be possible as well. Either way, I am going to be there Tuesday, because I want to know what is going on and it is my responsibility to know what is going on with his school, whether Dustin or his Dad likes it or not. It really is awesome that the school sends out emails of what's happening next week. Thank you.

And, oh, geez, the family drama just never ends. Did I mention before that I had not missed that in the time that I was not speaking to them? I'm sure I must have mentioned it before. Nothing big really, just normal family drama, you know, everyone has to deal with it at some time, I am sure.

I went to the grocery store for Gramma (the old lady that I take care of that drives me out of my mind!). I am so conflicted about the situation with her. I got suckered in to taking care of her just by taking her to the doctor one time, then she somehow became my responsibility. And, really I feel bad that she has no one else to take care of her. But she calls me several times a day (lonely), but I just do not have time to be one the phone all the time and it never fails that she calls when I am at work or totally busy. Then I have to find time to go to the store for her and deliver her stuff to her and sort her pills, pick up her pills, take out the garbage, pick up her bills, pay her bills, go to some doctor appointments, take care of the paperwork for the nursing home for her husband, things like that. Which is all fine, but I have my own family, two jobs, three kids, and I am attending school full time online. The kids are in sports and have practices and games and swim meets will be soon starting for the summer season for Dustin. I just do not have time for this sometimes, then I feel guilty cause I think well, just do it and not complain. What else can I do? Buck thinks I am crazy for doing all that for her with no pay, but she really has no one else to take care of her and she really can not afford to pay me. She is 88, almost 89 years old, so what else can I do? Suck it up and take care of her.

Well, I do not know how that turned into a rant about Gramma, but OK. I was actually wanting to post about something Luke did that just really scared me to death and I am not sure if I handled it good or got through to him, so I am turning to the Internets to help me out here.
OK, here's the story, I will try to keep it short, but can't promise anything. We went to Gramma's to drop off her groceries. Luke always helps me carry in her things, I put some things away and label some things for her since she is legally blind. Well, she needed me to sort some of her pills that she got mixed up, so I told Luke to stay in the living room, I went into the bedroom to sort the pills, maybe 5 minutes, but in that time, Luke went outside even though he was told to stay in the living room. We never totally close the patio door cause Gramma smokes A LOT and I can barely breathe in there and try to leave as soon as possible cause we both have asthma and when we leave, we smell like smoke which I do not like either. So, I sort her pills and go out to the living room, and Luke is not in the living room, he went outside. I look outside, I don't see him. My heart sinks. I call him and he says, "I'm over here Mom, I'm talking to Jim." Well, first off, why the hell are you outside and who the hell is Jim? Well, Jim flashes his US Census Bureau ID, but really I don't care who he is, Luke is not supposed to be outside, and he surely is not supposed to be talking to strangers. I not so politely told Jim that I do not care who he is, that Luke is not supposed to be talking to strangers and proceed to flip out on Luke cause 1) he is outside when I said to wait in the living room, 2) he is talking to a stranger, 3) this Jim didn't think to say, well, does your Mom know you are outside by yourself?, and 4) HE'S NOT SUPPOSED TO BE TALKING TO STRANGERS!!! I can not tell you how many times we have talked about this. It scared the hell out of me. Had this been some child predator or whatever, Luke could have been gone! And, we have talked about this so many times. I gave him the third degree, I whipped him over it (I know, some may not agree, but I whipped him), I talked to him some more, I told him that he could NEVER see us again if someone were to take him becasue he was with a stranger. His Dad talked to him about it some more. I was so scared about what could have happened. I was disappointed. I was so angry because we have talked about it so many times and I was sure that Luke would not do that because we had told him so many times. I was also angry cause why would that guy not say hey, where's your Mom or Does she know you are out here? That guy was just out there talking to my 5 year old!

So please tell me Internets, what would you do? Have you had similar incidents? How do you get this in your kids head that they can not talk to strangers that there are people out there that will take you? What am I doing wrong? Or right? Please give me some advice here, I am really needing it about this one.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Get moving already!

I just started a new class, this is the second week. I do not feel motivated at all. I have not read all the material from last week. I have not started the reading material from this week. I don't want to read it. I have not even started on my paper that was due yesterday. I just can not seem to get my head together to go with this class. I have to take it. I have to do the work, I just can't find it in me this class. I really need to get things moving. These classes only last for five weeks so I can not afford to fall behind and I have already started off behind. It does not feel good.

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Humbled

Dustin and I volunteered at the soup kitchen today with some members from our church. I have to say it was an amazing experience. I was so humbled by how many people there were there and that these people are there everyday giving back to the community. I am definitely going to volunteer there again. Dustin learned some things too, it's just not cool to talk to his Mom. I am so happy that I went and am going to go again. There were many hungry people there, more than I could have ever imagined. And, I am sure that there are many that were not there tonight as well. I don't have much, but I am blessed. I have missed going to church and have let too many things get in the way. I am wanting very much to get back into the swing of things and make myself go, even when it is easier to just stay home. It's far to drive, I'm tired, the kids don't want to get up, I have assignments to do, I'm saving gas. But really, I just feel so much better when I go there. Everyone is so wonderful and make you feel so loved. I plan to get back into good habits. This is the best place to start.

Also, remembering Rachel today on her first anniversary in Heaven. We sure do miss you.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Back to the books

Well, as of today, my leave of absence I requested for school is over. My new class started today. Really, I was not ready to start back, but I suppose that if I stayed out any longer, then it would be just that much harder to start back again. I still do not feel focused on the readings and schedule, hopefully it will come to me soon.

My Ma Maw has been up here since before Easter, it has been wonderful to have her here and be able to spend time with her. My kids are enjoying being around Ma Maw too. I don't want her to go home. Luke was too funny, I left him with Ma Maw while I was at work for a couple hours and she had him handing her things and getting heavy things out of the fridge for her and he told her "Ma Maw, you're a lot of work!" She thought that was the funniest thing.

I took Luke for Kindergarten round up this past week. He was so excited to see the school he will be going to and to ride on the school bus. They did the testing for Kindergarten and when we left, I asked him if they asked him anything he did not know, he looked at me like I was crazy and said NO! He is so excited about it, but has asked me a couple times what will happen if he can not find the classroom. I have assured him that he will not get lost in the school and if he has a problem, any adult can help him. I am happy and sad that he will be starting school this fall. My last baby is going to school.

Luke's Godmother was in the hospital this past weekend. They are testing her heart and think that maybe she is not getting enough oxygen to the top part of her heart. I am praying that she will get the medical attention that she is needing and take care of herself. Please pray for her.

This past weekend, Myles was acting so bad, I do not know what his problem was, but he was seriously in trouble. He would not listen to a thing I told him to do, he was stalling about doing his chores, he was stalling about getting a bath, he was stalling about going to bed, he was arguing with Luke constantly and literally about everything. By the time he went to his Dad's house Sunday night, he was on my last nerve! But everyone survived. I just hope that he is acting better when I pick him up this week.

Sunday after church, we went to my parents house. Buck was helping them install a door and new floor in the kitchen. Mom ordered pizza for everyone for dinner. Buck says we are all too loud! I have no idea what he is talking about!

Dustin and I will be going to volunteer at a local soup kitchen this Thursday with other volunteers from our church. I am looking forward to going, but Dustin has stated that he does not want to go. I'm taking him anyway, because I feel it will be a good thing for him to do and witness that some people do not have the things that he has. I am just hoping that it will make him have a better understanding that it is hard to get through life sometimes. I hope it just teaches him something and it will be just me and him going. My Mom is going to be watching Luke and Myles while we go.

Until next time...

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Way to go Susan Boyle!!

I just have to comment on the videos and news programs showing Susan Boyle on the British have talent show. It was wonderful to watch her WOW everyone with her beautiful voice. I was so happy to see how great she did. I am so thrilled for her. It was so incredible that everyone just expected her to sound terrible and she blew them away with her talent! I was so touched to see her beaming with pride while everyone was cheering her on in the audience. I truly hope that this is a life changing experience for her. I hope that people can learn that looks are not always what they seem. I am certainly cheering her on!! Way to go, I'm so very happy for you!! You are beautiful in every way.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Easter bunnies

Easter was good.
Ma Maw did not feel up to going to church that morning, but we had a wonderful meal that I prepared and Ma Maw had her input. The kids behaved (all of them). They enjoyed their Easter baskets very much and liked the edible grass that was in the bottom of the baskets. It tasted like Styrofoam to me, but they liked it.
Buck did not drive down for dinner, I was pretty angry about it, but I did not let that ruin the day. He missed out.
Overall, a good day.
Ma Maw spent a couple nights with me, and is now at my sister's house. I will see her again later this week. She was not feeling too good yesterday.

Friday, April 10, 2009

Value

To realize The value of a sister: Ask someoneWho doesn't have one.
To realize The value of ten years: Ask a newlyDivorced couple.
To realize The value of four years: Ask a graduate.
To realize The value of one year: Ask a student whoHas failed a final exam.
To realize The value of nine months: Ask a mother who gave birth to a stillborn.
To realize The value of one month: Ask a motherwho has given birth to A premature baby.
To realize The value of one week: Ask an editor of a weekly newspaper.

To realize The value of one minute: Ask a person Who has missed the train , bus or plane..
To realize The value of one-second: Ask a person Who has survived an accident.
Time waits for no one.

Treasure every moment you have.
You will treasure it even more whenyou can share it with someone special.
To realize the value of a friend or family member:
LOSE ONE.

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Just stuff in my head today

"We see things not as they are but as we are." --Douglass Fitch

I saw this quote on a blog that I read today and thought to myself how very true this is.

I am trying to get ready for Easter this weekend. My brother is actually driving down on Thursday to pick my Ma Maw up from Kentucky and bring her up here. I am so excited, I can not wait to spend some time with her. As far as I know, she is going to be spending Easter with me and my family, because my parents and other sister go to my other grandparents for Easter. I'm the odd one, that chose long ago to make my own family dinners with my children. So, I cook the whole meal and I hope that one day my kids will remember, hey my Mom used to do all this for us. I still have to find out when the Easter service is at church. I am hoping that there is a regular service in addition to the sunrise service that we usually have, but I don't know. Our church is so small, it is not enough people for a second service. We have maybe 50 people. Maybe a little more, but I'd be surprised if there is more than that. But, I think that is why I love it there so much.

On a totally different note, I feel like this has been a long week, and it is only Tuesday. I was so busy at work today and there was just so much happening there today, it was exhausting. A police officer that frequents our office, his wife is 42 and dying of cancer. I just felt so sad for him. He has just returned to work after a couple weeks vacation and he has some time left, but needs to save that vacation time for when he needs it most. But, how do you decide that? When is it more important to be with your dying wife? When things are really bad, when she is still here and you are able to enjoy the time that you have left? I could just tell that it was a struggle he had going on within. I did not know what else to say except that I was so sorry that they are going through this. I know, it happens, it is and has happened in my own family. I know many others that have had cancer strike their family. And every time, I can not help but feel so incredibly sad for others and for my own losses as well.

I have to work early tomorrow and then will have the rest of the week off until Monday. The kids are on spring break so that actually worked out good, except I will feel it when I get paid. What else is new?

Until next time....

Saturday, April 4, 2009

Cultural diversity

Buck turns 48 tomorrow. We have been together for five years now. Wow.
It's funny, because when I look at him, I do not see the age difference of 14 years. I do not see that he is Mexican and I obviously am not. I just see that I love him. Someone jokingly told me once that I was robbing the old folk's home instead of robbing the cradle as the saying goes, but I have never saw the age difference or the race difference.
Honestly, I hate to admit that before I started dating Buck, I never imagined being with someone that was not the same race as myself. Very close-minded. I was culturally unaware of all that there is out there. I had never given thought to the differences that people make sometimes based just your skin color. I just had never thought about it.
Buck has taught me many things regarding race and differences that there are. I do not always agree with what he says about some things, but I have learned that there are differences. And the thought had not crossed my mind until recently that we are a bi-racial couple. I thought that was only reserved for black and white relationships, but it is not. It hurt my feelings when this was pointed out to me, because I had never looked at our relationship in that manner. But, regardless of how they said it, they were right, we are a bi-racial couple. Something I never thought I would be saying about me.
I still do not care about the age or the cultures, I can see past all that and I see the last five years of my life with him. A lot of good, some bad, but it has been the right thing for me.
Until next time...

Thursday, April 2, 2009

Three blind mice?

I have been battling with field mice ever since it started getting cold outside. I get them every winter because of the woods. It is so irritating when I keep setting traps and the little buggers eat the peanut butter and the trap does not go off! I'm practically feeding them. I have tried placing them in different positions, less peanut butter, more peanut butter, bending the tab on the mouse trap so that it can barely be set and STILL, they eat and the trap does not go off. Urgh! I have been putting down Decon and they are eating that too. I wonder if I am losing the battle here.
And it's so gross, mouse poop every time I turn around in the cabinet under the sink and under the stove. I have went on crazy cleaning sprees bleaching and cleaning everything only to have them return! I wish they would just go back outside or to the neighbors even, just not in my house!