I suck as a blogger. LOL

I guess I will never be a regular blogger, but that's OK. 
I was reading some of my journals last week going back 15 years, I'm proud to say that I have came so far. I honestly don't know how my children and I made it through all that we have been through. But we have came out the other side, stronger and closer together, and for that I am eternally thankful.
Dustin graduated High School in June. I look at him and my heart could just burst, I am so happy and proud of the wonderful young man that he has become. 
Myles will be starting school this year as a Junior, and my baby, Luke will be starting middle school as a 6th grader. This is the first year that I will not have a child in elementary school. It's a happy and sad time for me as a mother. I look forward to watching them grow into fine young men. 
I can report that I am happy and content in my relationship with Buck. In April we will celebrate 12 years together. We have been through so much together and I look forward to spending many more happy years with him. I believe I have found the one my soul has always longed for. We will be working toward moving south when my children all graduate and he retires. 
Until next time...whenever that will be! 

Where have I been?

     It's been such a long time since I have came to this place. So much has happened. I am happier. I feel like a stronger person. My children are growing up so fast. Dustin has graduated. I can't believe my baby has graduated. The school does not have mid-term graduation so he will walk with his class in June for Graduation, but he has met all the requirements for his diploma and no longer needs to attend class. He is looking for a full time job. He has a girlfriend who has helped him in so many ways. I have literally saw him grow up before my eyes. He is a responsible young man with a good head on his shoulders. I'm so proud of him. Dustin comes to me to talk about important things he is going through, this is something I could never before imagined happening. He has matured and I have also learned different ways to communicate with him. He hated me and everything for so long that this is such an answered prayer for me. CI only dreamed of having this kind of a relationship with him. 
     Myles is a Sophomore this year.  Again, where has the time gone? He turns sixteen in a couple days. My baby Myles is going to be sixteen. He is doing better in school but it is still a struggle to make him get up in the morning and go to school. He tests the limits I have set for him every chance he gets. I have to be all over him about his grades, and he is doing well. He is still getting used to having rules and guidance that he did not get living with his father. 
     Luke is in 5th grade this year. Wow. He turned 11 in October. My Lukey Bear is growing up so very fast. I sometimes wish I could stop time to slow down this growing up thing. His ADHD poses issues with homework and attitude that sometimes is overwhelming and I have a hard time dealing with it sometimes. It is a learning process for everyone. I wonder what he thinks sometimes. I wonder if my frustrations with him will forever change him? I am not the most patient person and sometimes it feels like I am exasperated a lot with him. I don't mean to be, I try to remember that he is just 11, and that the ADHD is difficult for him too, I try to also remember that he is my baby and that it won't always be this way. I try to hang on to this time I have with him because very soon his friends are going to become more important than Mom and Dad. He's not going to want to spend the weekends with his parents, he's going to want to be with his friends. It's a natural part of him growing up. I worry constantly that his ADHD will contribute to poor impulse choices. I worry that I am doing everything wrong. Don't all parents worry they are doing it all wrong?
     I am in such a great place with Buck. We love each other more than either of us could have realized. When I think of my future, I can not see the future without him in it. I worry about him so much. He's getting older and works so hard. He hasn't had a real check up with the doctor, EVER. He goes for the yearly DOT physical, but that does not include blood work, a prostate exam, things that a man of 54 should be having checked out. I worry that something will happen to him. I love him so much, I can't imagine my life without him in it. He is my one and only. Like we were meant for each other. I know it sounds corny, but that is what is in my heart. 
     Sorry I'm such a terrible blogger. It has been almost a year since my last post. I always say I'll try to be better about it, but then I always feel that there is nothing exciting in my life that anyone would want to read about. Maybe I need a blog project, a challenge, something. I'll think about it and maybe in the New Year I can start something.  Right now, I have too many projects started at home that I need to finish first. I am crocheting a bunch of granny squares for an afghan, when I go to Mamaw's in March she is going to show me how to sew them all together. I am sewing cloth pads for my stash and hopefully setting up an Etsy store to sell some if I get good at it. And then there is all the Christmas baking, decorating, cooking and then all the clean up from that. 
     So my blog project will have to wait a little bit. 
     I hope everyone is doing well and that Christmas is a happy time filled with family and love.

Many Blessings

     I have so many blessings to be thankful for I simply can not list them all.
At last...I have all three of my boys under the same roof full time. It is wonderful and chaotic, but it makes my heart full even with the struggles and adjustments. My heart and home are full. I could not ask for more.
     Merriest Christmas to all my dear friends and family near and far. My most sincere wish for you all is peace in your hearts and happiness in the New Year to come.

Humbug!

     I am just not feeling the Christmas cheer this year. I don't feel like baking, I don't feel like decorating, I don't feel like being cheery. Don't get me wrong I have so many things to be thankful for, but just not feeling the Christmas cheer that normally overcomes me this time of year. I want to feel the Christmas spirit where I feel a little nicer than usual, I feel kinder than usual, I feel happier than usual. This year...I got nothing so far. I'm hoping I will find it before Christmas, I really hope I do. And I do have so many blessings to be thankful for. Even though things are not exactly how I'd like them to be they are better than they could have been.
     Myles will have the wires removed from his mouth just in time for Christmas, so he will be very happy to be enjoying Christmas dinner. I'm thankful for that, although secretly I think he has got used to me waiting on him hand and foot. And I gladly do it, because when I think that I could have lost him and Dustin, it is just too much to bear. I thank God every day for looking out for them and that they are ok. I don't think the boys realize how blessed they are. It really has added perspective for me though in a way that I thought I had already, especially since Myles had had cancer when he was 7, but this has added new meaning for me.

     Until next time...

don't ever scare me like that again!

     On October 27, 2012, Dustin and Myles were in a horrible ATV accident. Dustin was driving 60mph through a corn field with Myles on the back, they crashed right into a ditch. Myles was catapulted off the back and landed right on his face. He had seizure activity and was air lifted from the scene. Dustin was transported by ambulance to a local hospital and then transported to the same trauma hospital that Myles was air lifted to.
     So 2 of my 3 children were in this awful accident. Myles broke his jaw on both sides, his orbital floor on both sides, and his left cheek bone. He had surgery on October 29, to wire his jaw shut to allow it to heal. Even though he broke his face, he had no head trauma!, and no internal injuries. Dustin had internal bruising of his liver, pancreas, kidney and lung. They had angels watching over them I am convinced.
     I plan to put them in bubbles now, because I seriously might die if they scare me like that again! I am so very thankful that they are gonna be OK. Myles has the inconvenience of eating his food through a straw for 6 weeks, but he's gonna be just fine. No scars, no lost teeth, no head injury, no visible damage. God is so good. We are so blessed.
    

Good news

I got my hearing date for SSI in the mail today. I am excited and nervous about it. I'm praying that this will finally be approved and I can get on with the next chapter in my life. Please pray for me and my family. If this goes through, we will be moving and there will be lots of changes happening for us all.

Happy Mother's Day to you all.

I'm so blessed with my three boys. I have been given the gift of being their mother. Not just any mother, but Dustin's mother, Myles's mother and Luke's mother. I have given life three times to three individual and special souls. I forget sometimes how blessed I am to be a mother so this year I'm relishing in the fact that I am their mother. Our days may not be perfect but they sure are worth it. And I am grateful for my own mother and the other mothers in my life. My sisters, my friends, Aunts both living and in Heaven, and my Mamaw. I guess I need to be reminded sometimes how blessed I am to be given such a gift. So I am thankful today.
Happy Mother's Day to all of you Moms out there.

Sisters

This was posted by a fellow blogger who always lifts me up. And it says so much.

http://astrollthrumythoughts.blogspot.com/2010/03/thank-you-for-sisters.html

Updating

My Ma Maw's surgery went well. She is in some pain, but she looks great and I think that she is doing really well. I went to see her today. Her toes are straight on that foot. The first time I think I have ever seen her toes straight. She is in a cast now and can not put any weight on that foot, so she is basically stuck at my sister's house where someone is home all the time. It sucks really, cause I would like to pick her up and bring her home with me for a few days like we were doing before the surgery but I really have no way to get her in the house. So, for right now, I will go to my sister's to visit with her. But she is fine. I had so much anxiety about her surgery the night before she went in, I could not sleep all night. I just could not stop thinking that what if something went wrong? But, everything went good and I am thankful for that. I really hope that this will help her to be in less pain. Love you Ma Maw.

Humbled

Dustin and I volunteered at the soup kitchen today with some members from our church. I have to say it was an amazing experience. I was so humbled by how many people there were there and that these people are there everyday giving back to the community. I am definitely going to volunteer there again. Dustin learned some things too, it's just not cool to talk to his Mom. I am so happy that I went and am going to go again. There were many hungry people there, more than I could have ever imagined. And, I am sure that there are many that were not there tonight as well. I don't have much, but I am blessed. I have missed going to church and have let too many things get in the way. I am wanting very much to get back into the swing of things and make myself go, even when it is easier to just stay home. It's far to drive, I'm tired, the kids don't want to get up, I have assignments to do, I'm saving gas. But really, I just feel so much better when I go there. Everyone is so wonderful and make you feel so loved. I plan to get back into good habits. This is the best place to start.

Also, remembering Rachel today on her first anniversary in Heaven. We sure do miss you.

Cultural diversity

Buck turns 48 tomorrow. We have been together for five years now. Wow.
It's funny, because when I look at him, I do not see the age difference of 14 years. I do not see that he is Mexican and I obviously am not. I just see that I love him. Someone jokingly told me once that I was robbing the old folk's home instead of robbing the cradle as the saying goes, but I have never saw the age difference or the race difference.
Honestly, I hate to admit that before I started dating Buck, I never imagined being with someone that was not the same race as myself. Very close-minded. I was culturally unaware of all that there is out there. I had never given thought to the differences that people make sometimes based just your skin color. I just had never thought about it.
Buck has taught me many things regarding race and differences that there are. I do not always agree with what he says about some things, but I have learned that there are differences. And the thought had not crossed my mind until recently that we are a bi-racial couple. I thought that was only reserved for black and white relationships, but it is not. It hurt my feelings when this was pointed out to me, because I had never looked at our relationship in that manner. But, regardless of how they said it, they were right, we are a bi-racial couple. Something I never thought I would be saying about me.
I still do not care about the age or the cultures, I can see past all that and I see the last five years of my life with him. A lot of good, some bad, but it has been the right thing for me.
Until next time...

"God is under the bed"

I got this email today and just think it is a wonderful way to believe. If only everyone could live this way, what a better world it would be....

GOD LIVES UNDER THE BED

I envy Kevin. My brother Kevin thinks God lives under his bed. At least that's what I heard him say one night. He was praying out loud in his dark bedroom, and I stopped to listen, 'Are you there, God?' he said. 'Where are you? Oh, I see. Under the bed...'
I giggled softly and tiptoed off to my own room. Kevin's unique perspectives are often a source of amusement. But that night something else lingered long after the humor. I realized for the first time the very different world Kevin lives in. He was born 30 years ago, mentally disabled as a result of difficulties during labor. Apart from his size (he's 6-foot-2), there are few ways in which he is an adult. He reasons and communicates with the capabilities of a 7-year-old, and he always will. He will probably always believe that God lives under his bed, that Santa Claus is the one who fills the space under our tree every Christmas and that airplanes stay up in the sky because angels carry them. I remember wondering if Kevin realizes he is different. Is he ever dissatisfied with his monotonous life? Up before dawn each day, off to work at a workshop for the disabled, home to walk our cocker spaniel, return to eat his favorite macaroni-and- cheese for dinner, and later to bed. The only variation in the entire scheme is laundry, when he hovers excitedly over the washing machine like a mother with her newborn child. He does not seem dissatisfied. He lopes out to the bus every morning at 7:05, eager for a day of simple work. He wrings his hands excitedly while the water boils on the stove before dinner, and he stays up late twice a week to gather our dirty laundry for his next day's laundry chores.
And Saturdays-oh, the bliss of Saturdays! That's the day my Dad takes Kevin to the airport to have a soft drink, watch the planes land, and speculate loudly on the destination of each passenger inside. 'That one's goin' to Chi-car-go! ' Kevin shouts as he claps his hands. His anticipation is so great he can hardly sleep on Friday nights. And so goes his world of daily rituals and weekend field trips. He doesn't know what it means to be discontent.
His life is simple.
He will never know the entanglements of wealth of power, and he does not care what brand of clothing he wears or what kind of food he eats. His needs have always been met, and he never worries that one day they may not be. His hands are diligent. Kevin is never so happy as when he is working. When he unloads the dishwasher or vacuums the carpet, his heart is completely in it. He does not shrink from a job when it is begun, and he does not leave a job until it is finished. But when his tasks are done, Kevin knows how to relax. He is not obsessed with his work or the work of others His heart is pure.
He still believes everyone tells the truth, promises must be kept, and when you are wrong, you apologize instead of argue. Free from pride and unconcerned with appearances, Kevin is not afraid to cry when he is hurt, angry or sorry. He is always transparent, always sincere. And he trusts God. Not confined by intellectual reasoning, when he comes to Christ, he comes as a child. Kevin seems to know God - to really be friends with Him in a way that is difficult for an 'educated' person to grasp. God seems like his closest companion.
In my moments of doubt and frustrations with my Christianity I envy the security Kevin has in his simple faith. It is then that I am most willing to admit that he has some divine knowledge that rises above my mortal questions is then I realize that perhaps he is not the one with the handicap . I am.. My obligations, my fear, my pride, my circumstances - they all become disabilities when I do not trust them to God's care. Who knows if Kevin comprehends things I can never learn? After all, he has spent his whole life in that kind of innocence, praying after dark and soaking up the goodness and love of God.
And one day, when the mysteries of heaven are opened, and we are all amazed at how close God really is to our hearts, I'll realize that God heard the simple prayers of a boy who believed that God lived under his bed.
Kevin won't be surprised at all!

Merry Chritmas Everyone

Merry Christmas everyone. It's hard to always remember that I am blessed with family and friends that are wonderful. I had a nice Christmas get together with my family over the weekend. It really is nice to be around everyone, even with the drama that comes with it. Today I had Christmas with my older boys because they are going to be with their Dad tomorrow. I am preparing Luke's Santa gifts and Buck is eating cookies and tarts that I baked yesterday. All in all, I can not complain. I hope that everyone has a blessed Christmas and remember the reason for this wonderful day.

Happy Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving everyone. Today I am focused on my family and how thankful I am for each and every person in my life. My kids are healthy. We have a roof over our head. We have warmth. We have food. We have each other. Some people are less fortunate and do not have a warm home or enough food to eat. There are some families that their children are sick. So, I am blessed. I may not always appreciate it enough, but I am blessed. I will prepare a meal for my family and enjoy the time we are spending together. I hope that everyone else has a wonderful day.

Family friends and so much more

When I started attending my church in 2001, we instantly became good friends with this family, the C's. They truly are a blessing. They are great people with big hearts. So, it only was natural that when Luke was born that they become his Godparents at his baby dedication. They love that kid so much, well, they love all my kids. And I have watched Heather and Ashlee grow into the best young women that I am so proud to love. These photos were taken when Ashlee graduated High School. It is so hard to grasp that they are all grown up now. No more are the days when they are calling wanting to spend the night at my house. No more are the days that they are coming over just to hang out. They are all grown up with busy lives of their own. Heather even has a serious boyfriend!

Luke seriously loves them so much. They are extended family to him and all of us.
Ashlee has became such a responsible smart young woman, it's hard not to see her as the sweet little girl that she was when I first met her.
Heather just started her 3rd year away from home at college. I am so proud of her, even though I miss her terribly. She is doing good.
This is Ashlee with all my kids. We love them and really they love us back just as much.

**Note, I could not find good photos of Mary and Alan, their parents, but we love them too. :)

Blessings...

A little background first: just over two years ago, my middle son, M had an upper GI for a stomach ache and they accidentially found a tumor the size of a tennis ball in his lung. He had surgery and they removed the bottom lobe of his lung. The pathology results came back that it was a very rare form of cancer, myoepithelial carcinoma of the lung. Well for kids this is very rare and he was only 7 years old at the time. He's fine, he had the surgery, he did not need chemo or radiation, just the surgery took care of things, thank God! Well, he still has some abnormal lymph nodes and they are watching them by x-rays and CT scans every 6 months.

Ok, so on to what I wanted to say. When I took M for his check up this last time, we got there early in the morning and he got the x-ray and ct scan and then we went upstairs for our appointment with the doctor. Well, we were kinda really early, so we had to wait for the doctors to even get there. No problem, we played a game and he played the Playstation there and I read some of my homework that I needed to get done anyway. Well, as we are sitting there, other kids start to get there for their appointments, and we are waiting. So, this family comes in with their little boy and he had to have been about the same age as M. And this boy was so sick, he was so skinny, and he just laid on the couch on his mom's lap while they were waiting. I kept looking at them, and it was so sad and I felt so bad for them, and the only thing that I could think was thank God that's not my kid. Thank you God, that is not M. I felt terrible for thinking that and I am still feeling bad about thinking that, because that could have easily been my kid. The tumor that M had was cancer, they are still watching him for cancer, but he's ok. Thank God he's ok. I did not talk to these people, but I felt so bad, for the fact that their boy was obviously very sick and also for the fact that I thought to myself thank God that's not my kid. It was humbling. I mean I know that could have been my kid, but we were blessed that he's fine. I left there with a better appreciation for my kids, even though they make me crazy and get on my nerves, that could have been my kid. And I'm so grateful that it's not. When we left there, I took some extra time alone with M before I had to pick up my 4 year old from daycare. We had a good time and spent some time just the two of us, which rarely happens. Does it make me a bad person because I was glad that was not my kid? I feel bad that was what I thought.
Should I have spoke to them? I really don't know why I didn't, but I almost started crying in the waiting room looking at them, and may have started crying if I did talk to them. And I have not actually spoke those words out loud, because I feel terrible for having that thought. I just don't know, maybe it was some sort of sign for me to calm down and enjoy my kids more. I mean I have been in that waiting room and have seen sick kids there before and never thought like that before. I just had to get it off my chest, without actually saying it out loud.

**I made a post about this at the Moms group that I subscribe to in June when we had the appointment. I just thought that I should add that here to this post.**