Why do I love you?

My life feels like a country song these days. There's a song out there I can not think of the name...about wanting someone when you just can not seem to make it work out. Loving them or wanting them even though you know you shouldn't. That is where I am at these days. There is someone that I love more than I have ever loved anyone, but we just can't seem to make things work out. We love each other, but we hate each other. We value each other's opinion, but we don't want to say one is right and one is wrong, even though we do not agree on most subjects. We continue to support each other and look out for each other but living together is out of the question. I trust him with my child but I would never trust him with my heart again. He hurt me so bad in the past I didn't think I would ever get over it. I have. But I still remember. We both have said awful things to each other in anger, and then are quick to apologize. It's confusing. And yet we are attracted to each other again and again. He's actually the only person that I think I have ever really loved, maybe the only person I will ever really love. I don't know.
Or another song runs through my mind...I hate everything about you...you hate everything about me...why do I love you?
Some things I just can not seem to figure out.
Maybe it's just better to not to try to figure it out.

Now we wait...I hate waiting

So we went to court yesterday. The judge will have a meeting with Myles next week and then make her ruling about the custody arrangement. I am so nervous about it. I have been going crazy with all of it. I just want what is best for all my boys. It's sad that their father is so uninvolved in their lives but still wants the control. It is a matter of control, not just over the kids but over me as well. I hate that he does not put their best interests first. It makes me angry. And now I just wait to see what is going to happen. I'm hopeful, but really, I have no faith in the legal system. If it were as it should be, we would have never got joint custody to begin with due to his violent nature and domestic violence. Please keep us in your prayers during this time.

To be determined...

I've had so much on my mind lately, I really haven't felt myself. My medication has been changed several time trying to get things in balance, but I'm struggling with it. I have had constant fear and panic since the boys were in their accident. I'm so overwhelmingly paranoid that something is going to happen to them when they are not with me. I am constantly worrying about them even more so than before the accident and I'm driving myself crazy with it.
This week I have a court hearing with their father because I filed for full custody, rather than the joint custody that we have currently and I'm so worried about it, it is making me a basket of nerves. I'm hoping and praying that things go well in court, and that I will get the full custody but he has an attorney and I do not and you just never know how those things will go. I really hope with all the evidence and testimony that I have that the judge will finally see how things really are, but I'm going to be going crazy about it until Tuesday. Please say a prayer for me that things will be okay. Right now, I'm just trying to stay calm and totally failing at it.
Dustin celebrated his 17th birthday yesterday, I can not even believe that he's that old. I look at him and still see my little baby. I don't know why they grow up so fast. I'm so proud and lucky to be his Mom.
Until next time...

2013

Welcome 2013.

I'm sure hoping you will bring better things than 2012. I'm hopefully optimistic about it.

My children are all going to be going to the same schools. My children are all under one roof. My children are all healthy and safe. I'm looking for a different place to live, because my kids don't want to go to Kentucky. So I will have to find a place closer to here that will work until I can get to Kentucky sometime in my life. Right now though it just isn't the right time.

I have lots of goals for myself for this year. I want to try to be a more patient person. I want to be on time, I'm always late and it is stressful. I want to be more timely. I want to show my children that they can have disagreements and no swear and get angry. I will be working on this as well. I want to stop swearing. I don't think I swear a lot but even when I do, I just feel it is not necessary to get your point across, and I want them to watch what they are saying. We are going to implement a swear jar.

I'm going to watch what I eat and continue to make healthy choices for me and my family. I want to really focus on the important things in life, because I have been shown that just so quickly things can change. I want my kids to always know that I love them with my whole heart from my actions, words, and reactions.

I think this is a great way to start the year. Many blessings to you as we start this brand New Year.

Good news

I got my hearing date for SSI in the mail today. I am excited and nervous about it. I'm praying that this will finally be approved and I can get on with the next chapter in my life. Please pray for me and my family. If this goes through, we will be moving and there will be lots of changes happening for us all.

time for change

So this court case is still going on about my boys. It will be closed out in about a month and things will go back to normal, with my ex husband and I having joint custody and trading kids back and forth with me doing all the work once again. He still does not take responsibility for his actions and blames Dustin for everything. He lets Myles run around all over with no supervision and little regard for what he is doing. He does not make dinner when they are there, he barely cleans their clothes. He just gets to go back to life as usual and I am doing all the work. I am bitter. I am resentful. I am angry. I am feeling sorry for myself I guess. Dustin has decided that he in fact does not want to go back to joint custody with his father. He wants to stay with me, which is of course what I have wanted all along, my kids with me. But then I think what if he is just doing this until the next time he gets mad at me, then he wants to go back to Dad. I am more than ready for the court to get out of our life but the chances of something happening again with their Dad is certain to happen. What should I do??

Just checking in

Luke made it back from Evansville, spoiled as usual. He is lucky to have such great Godparents. School starts here on August 17th. I am so glad the boys will be back in school. The summer seems to have went by fast. I have some unspoken prayer requests. I am going through a hard time emotionally and spiritually and really could use the prayers. Things just never seem to get better. I know that is not the optimistic way to view things, but really, when does it let up?
My boys have decided that even after all that is going on with CPS and what their Dad has done, they want to go back to spending half their time with him. It has me feeling let down and really taken advantage of, because it's like they have a total disregard for what I do for them and what I continue to do for them. I don't want to be going through this again, and their father just does not see anything wrong with what he does, he never has. Nothing is ever his fault. I don't want my kids growing up with this thinking, but I see it in them some already, no matter how hard I try to teach them otherwise.
We were temporarily staying with my parents, but that is carrying over to the school year, which I am not happy about, but my Dad got laid off work and with my Mom already laid off, they need the financial assistance too. So, things just are not going good, and there are other things going on beyond my control, that I just have to pray about and hope that things turn out for the best. That is just a hard thing to do sometimes.

Busy Busy

So we had a busy weekend this weekend. I took on some side jobs cleaning and worked most of the weekend, and it's back to work tomorrow. So I didn't really have the weekend off, but I need the money, so it is what it is. I have an extremely busy next couple weeks. Luke has to get a physical for the procedure on his teeth and I have to work everyday and we are taking all the kids to this park to get more photos taken of all the grandkids and out individual families. I can't wait to see how cute they come out. I have the usual therapy appointments and the boys have visitation with their Dad and they have been getting out of control having this spread out over 3 or 4 days in the week. So I am going to have to put my foot down about keeping the days to a minimum. I feel like the are just trying to run every aspect of my life right now and I am getting very frustrated with the whole process.

On another note, Buck and I have been on friendlier terms. I still have him at a distance because he has proven that he can not be trusted, but I do love him. I probably always will.

I Can Only Imagine (with lyrics) - MercyMe

I'm broken...

Why can't I just walk completely away?

Why do I continue to allow my self to hurt over him?

I will never be the same.

I will never trust the same again.

Why do I still love him? I shouldn't, but I do.

I feel completely foolish and defeated.

Random Thoughts

I am still so depressed about my Aunt's death and really, there is no one I can talk to about it. EVERYONE lost her, why should my pain be any different than theirs. My Mom lost her sister, my Ma Maw lost her daughter, my cousin lost her Mother, my sisters also lost their Aunt. So who is there left to talk to about it. I miss her so very much. I have so many regrets. I wish I had went down there when I knew that she was sick co that I could have seen her one more time. I wish I had just went down there! I don't know that I will never not regret that. I loved her and I miss her. I know that we all have lost people close to us. It hurts, I'm told it gets better, and there is a song I have been listening to, but honestly, I don't know if it makes me feel better or worse. I posted the song.

Dustin got community service for his curfew violation. 20 hours. I was actually happy that he got the community service and not just the fine, I think it will teach him more.

Myles I feel is needing more "Mom" attention and I just do not know how to separate my time between the kids, because I know that Dustin needs that attention too, I just have to go about it in a different way, you know, cause Mom is just not cool! I love them so much and I just want them to know how very much I love them and that they mean the world to me. Sometimes, I think my depression keeps me from doing as much as I would like to do with them. I'm trying.

I started my new medication and all I can tell is that I have a hard time falling asleep and then have a hard time waking up in the morning. I miss the old me. The manic me, the could just stay up and go, go, go. But the crashes, oh, the crashes, and the emotions. I don't know what is worse. the manic and crashes, or the medication.

My Luke turns 7 on October 25th. I can't believe he's already going to be that old, but then I say that about all my kids, Dustin will soon be 15 and Myles will be 12 in December. God, where has the time went? They were all just babies coming home from the hospital. I know all mothers have this feeling.

Well, until next time......

Update

I'm still here. Still lots to update. Still feeling like crap. Still no prior authorization on my meds. We did go to Boonville this past weekend to visit my Aunt and Uncle and retrieve my beloved stolen camera! They erased all the photos I had taken at my other Aunt and Uncle's 25th party, but left photos of themselves when they pawned it! My Uncle is taking the CD with the photos to the PD down there for me. My allergies have been horrible (that time of year I suppose).
I got into it with my cousin over some stupid comment her new boyfriend made on Facebook. The bad part is that it is her Mom that just died in March and I miss talking to her. We cried together quite a bit while I was in KY and now she is angry with me over this guy. I spoke my mind like I always do and she did not like it. Such is life. Will try to update some more, although I have been a horrible blogger lately.

Does it ever end?

I have so much to write about and absolutely no energy to get it all out! I have been a mess. I went to the Dr. she changed my meds, but of course, it has to have prior authorization, which could take up to a week. I have issues with my kids, I am so done with Buck! I've wasted 7 years on him, WHY? I feel so tired all the time and can't seem to make myself do anything. I just can not seem to get out of this funk and I don't know what to do. Will try to update more soon. Oh, and I am now over 200lbs! Just great! I have NEVER been that heavy in my life, even after 3 kids.

Going to MaMaw's

I'm leaving tomorrow to go visit my MaMaw. It will be the first time I have been back since my Aunt died in March. I am happy to be going "home" but know there are going to be many emotions when I go up to that graveyard. I've been listening to the song "The house that built me" by Miranda Lambert and it just feels like me right now. I've been feeling lost and looking for my way to whatever it is I am supposed to be doing with my life. There has to be more than this. So maybe some soul searching at MaMaw's is what is in order. I hope so anyway. I always hate to leave there so that will be teary. I'll get back right before the kids have to go to school. Good timing. I'll still be checking in and maybe update from the road(if we can get any signal.)

I have so much on my mind, I feel like my head could literally explode. I have little energy for anything. I know it is this depression. I can not get into see Dr. Shrink until the 26th. I know that I am needing a medication adjustment, I just don't know what. I really would like to start jogging, but, that leaves me with the problem of who is going to watch Luke while I do that? I need to do something. And bills....at this point, I do not have enough to pay my bills for this month. I have to call my landlord and tell him tomorrow. I am hoping that he will be a little understanding and work with me. If not, then, I don't know what I am going to do. It just really stinks that I am 35 and struggling with money all the time. I have a degree in accounting, but have yet to find that accounting position. I filled out an application last week that I had hopes about, but have not heard anything from them. I intend to call tomorrow to check up on the application.
I am helping y friend out this weekend at a "Going Green Expo" at the fair grounds. Then Sunday for Mother's Day, our family ALWAYS goes to my sister's house for a get together. We have done it for the last 11 years now. I have to bring cheesecakes. That is her only request of me every year. So, I oblige. And lately, I have been craving being with my family. I don't know if it is triggered by how many people I have lost in the last six months or just something going on with me. But it doesn't hurt to want to be with them.
In other news, the giant puppy has taken a liking to chewing up shoes. She gave up electrical cords after being jolted, but she is loving shoes. Two pairs of my work shoes, Two pairs of Ashlee's flip flops when she was up here, and recently, Myles' brand new Nike's. Needless to say, I am less than happy about it and have yet to find a way to deter her from this. (Hitting her with the shoe in anger the other day did not help.) So, if anyone has any ideas or advice, please, do tell. And she does have plenty of chew toys and rawhide bones and harder bones, she's spoiled rotten, and still she chews the shoes! Then, I look at her and remember how badly I needed her when I got her. Mentally, I was a mess. But, I would like her to give up the shoe fetish.
And, Diana, I will be thinking about you this Mother's Day. I know how badly you will be missing your Mom. Love to you. And Vickie, your words mean so much.
Happy Mother's Day.

This and that

I am feeling hopeful today. Hopeful about decisions I have made. Thankful for my family and friends that have always been there even when I was not a willing participant. Thankful for new friends and "sisters" to help me with my walk that God has planned for me. I guess for today at least I am feeling a little happy.

Strange, since I should be worried about bills. Always bills. Never ending bills. My house is a mess. My 14 year old has a girlfriend that I think is getting too friendly.

Mom & Dad renewing their vows

And since I never mentioned since it was a "surprise," we (my sisters, brother and I) had a surprise 25th anniversary party for my parents last weekend. It was so nice. My parents were somewhat surprised, you know our family can't keep a total secret, but they were surprised to see some people that they have not for a long time. My Mom's brothers and their families came from out of town. It was bittersweet since my Aunt was not there and toward the end of the evening, we too the balloon arch that my parent's renewed their vows under and released it in remembrance of those that were not with us that evening. It was bittersweet to say the least. We all felt her presence and her absence.

Sending Balloons to Heaven

But for today, I am hopeful.

Purging my thoughts

Luke was on Spring break last week from school. I kept him home from daycare a couple days and let him go to work with me to spend some Mommy time with him. The older boys are going to be on Spring break this week. I have been trying to be more positive with my thoughts. I rescheduled my appointment with Dr. Shrink twice already. I need to get in there. I also need to get my blood pressure rechecked since I have not been there in about 8 months, they just keep refilling my medication. Oh, and the iron level has never been rechecked either. These are going to be goals I have this week to get myself in both places. I found a place that will spay/neuter the dog for more than $200 cheaper than my vet. It is through the Humane Society. I have to drive a little farther to take her there, but it's worth saving the $200. My Mom found out last week that as of March 31st she is not going to have a job and is freaking out about it a little, which is completely understandable.
My Ma Maw will be up here next month for a recheck of her foot and an appointment at the Cardiologist she saw up here. He had said before her surgery that she had a small blockage, so we will see what happens with that. Even though she aggervates sometimes, I miss her and look forward to her coming. She will spend most of the time between my sister and my house.

Blah

I haven't had much to say lately. Burying my Aunt was hard on our family. I call her daughter, my cousin, and get voicemail that is her voice. Twice I have called back just to hear it again. Much other than that, things have been quiet or rather, the same here. I have been checking blogs, just have not had much to say. I'm falling in a funk, and I need to find a way out. I intend to do some spring cleaning this weekend, since it is supposed to get colder again.
Until next time...

I'm so glad I got a dog

I have got to do something. I feel so depressed.
The Psych just keeps changing my meds which is sending me in emotional circles. I feel like I am spiraling out of control sometimes. She just changes another medication or adds another or takes one off. This crazy cocktail. I don't even know if it's working, but she reassures me I should continue with the meds. Most of the time, I wonder.
Buck. Buck. Buck......
I am still letting him see Luke but it is killing me. It kills me that he's calling everyday to talk to Luke. I don't talk to Buck when he calls, but just knowing that he's on the phone...
These are all things that he said "Oh, I don't have time for this" He has picked Luke up for some weekends, and I'm happy that Luke has him, but knowing that he lied and cheated on me and my son thinks that he's just great, it makes me mad. Suddenly, he has time now to be with Luke that he never had before or wanted to have for before, and really I think that he does it more for his own benefit than for Luke. It's so he's not completely alone all the time, and Luke worships him. It makes me sad. It makes me cry. It makes me angry.
I can't move on. I can't go back. I don't see the future.
I have prayed and prayed about this and I just don't hear any answers.
Realistically, I know that Buck and I could never be together again. I could never trust him again. I know this. But, my heart, well it just does not listen.
OK, enough of my pity party. I have some chores to do before I go to bed.

Two posts in one, cause I'm lazy today

I have decided against being a surrogate. As much as I would love to help a couple, I just don't think emotionally that I could do it. I couldn't just hand over a baby or two that I had carried the whole time, even if they were not mine biologically. And after talking with the psych yesterday, she really did not think it was a good idea for me at this time either. I feel guilty in a way that I have let them down, but I would hate myself emotionally if I went through a whole pregnancy and had to hand over the baby. I truly wish them well and hope that they find someone that can make them parents, I just don't think that person is me. Still, I am sad.

And, on another depressing note, my Aunt Edith who just lost her husband in November is in the hospital on life support for the last week. Yesterday they tried taking her off and within 10 minutes she was blue. I think I have said my last words to her and it makes me very sad. She took care of me and my sister a lot when my Mom was working when I was younger and I'm not going to have a proper goodbye with her. She was so depressed after her husband died that she just laid in the bed. She has her own health issues and I think that just made them worse. I don't think she is going to come out of this and I hate that I can not be there. It is very upsetting to me and being how I am, this makes me think about my Ma Maw, how will she handle losing a child? Will something happen to her after that? I truly could not handle that. My Ma Maw, even if I have complained about her, I emotionally am not prepared for something to happen to her and I don't think I ever will be. I guess I need to go do something and get my mind off this before I drive myself crazy. I'm sad, very sad.