9/11 Remembered

As the 10th Anniversary of September 11 approaches fast, I am taking a moment to reflect on where I was, what I was doing and my thoughts and feelings during that tragic time.
My Tuesday morning was as busy as usual, fed my kids breakfast, got them ready for the day and headed out the door to take Dustin to Kindergarten. On the way to school, I had turned on the radio and Mancow in the morning was on, I was only half listening to it, talking to Dustin about school. Mancow was a joker, so when he said that a plane had crashed into the building, my first reaction was that it was a joke he was doing. When he announced that another plane had hit the second tower, there was a seriousness in his voice that was just out of character for the popular radio show. I turned off the radio and dropped Dustin off at school. I drove home with Myles and turned on the news to see the towers in flames. Desperate people, jumping to their deaths below. Calls of people calling their loved ones from their cell phone. I stood there in my living room, and just felt such utter sadness. I wanted my family with me, and my husband was working out of town. How could my husband not be with me when this was such a terrible time. Families needed to be together during this time. I felt such grief for the families involved. The families that would never be the same. These families would never hold their loved ones close again. I was saddened. I was crying for the people jumping out of the burning buildings that they were never to be rescued from.
AND THEN THE FIRST TOWER COLLAPSED. My heart sunk right to my stomach. I couldn't believe what I had just saw with my own eyes. The building just crumbled right there on television in front of me. Shortly after that, the other tower also collapsed. There was another plane crashed into the Pentagon, and another plane taken down by heroes aboard the plane that had no idea that they were about to be heroes that dreadful day. How could this happen? It was so sad. So tragic. I just wanted to be with my family. And my husband was so far away. I hugged my kids tighter. I went to donate blood, surely they were going to need blood for the survivors.
I stayed glued to the television during the search for the survivors, a couple pulled from the rubble, the rest casualties. No great demand for blood donations. Nothing. It was such a terrible tragic horrific day. A day that I will never forget.

Random Thoughts

I am still so depressed about my Aunt's death and really, there is no one I can talk to about it. EVERYONE lost her, why should my pain be any different than theirs. My Mom lost her sister, my Ma Maw lost her daughter, my cousin lost her Mother, my sisters also lost their Aunt. So who is there left to talk to about it. I miss her so very much. I have so many regrets. I wish I had went down there when I knew that she was sick co that I could have seen her one more time. I wish I had just went down there! I don't know that I will never not regret that. I loved her and I miss her. I know that we all have lost people close to us. It hurts, I'm told it gets better, and there is a song I have been listening to, but honestly, I don't know if it makes me feel better or worse. I posted the song.

Dustin got community service for his curfew violation. 20 hours. I was actually happy that he got the community service and not just the fine, I think it will teach him more.

Myles I feel is needing more "Mom" attention and I just do not know how to separate my time between the kids, because I know that Dustin needs that attention too, I just have to go about it in a different way, you know, cause Mom is just not cool! I love them so much and I just want them to know how very much I love them and that they mean the world to me. Sometimes, I think my depression keeps me from doing as much as I would like to do with them. I'm trying.

I started my new medication and all I can tell is that I have a hard time falling asleep and then have a hard time waking up in the morning. I miss the old me. The manic me, the could just stay up and go, go, go. But the crashes, oh, the crashes, and the emotions. I don't know what is worse. the manic and crashes, or the medication.

My Luke turns 7 on October 25th. I can't believe he's already going to be that old, but then I say that about all my kids, Dustin will soon be 15 and Myles will be 12 in December. God, where has the time went? They were all just babies coming home from the hospital. I know all mothers have this feeling.

Well, until next time......

My PaPaw

Missing my PaPaw today. It is his birthday. He has been in Heaven for 22 years now. It still feels like an open wound that will never heal. Heavenly Birthday wishes PaPaw, I know you are watching over me. I miss and love you dearly. Not a day goes by that I don't wish you were still here.

Going to MaMaw's

I'm leaving tomorrow to go visit my MaMaw. It will be the first time I have been back since my Aunt died in March. I am happy to be going "home" but know there are going to be many emotions when I go up to that graveyard. I've been listening to the song "The house that built me" by Miranda Lambert and it just feels like me right now. I've been feeling lost and looking for my way to whatever it is I am supposed to be doing with my life. There has to be more than this. So maybe some soul searching at MaMaw's is what is in order. I hope so anyway. I always hate to leave there so that will be teary. I'll get back right before the kids have to go to school. Good timing. I'll still be checking in and maybe update from the road(if we can get any signal.)

Heavenly Birthdays

Happy Birthday Aunt Eddie, your first in Heaven. How I wish you were here. You would have been 50 today. I still can't believe that you are gone. There is a hole in our family. We all miss you so very much. I hope that you were dancing with the angels, Pa paw and Uncle Dave. When we all meet again, what a day of rejoicing that will be.

Funky Town

I'm in a funk!
I can not seem to climb out of. I have been trying to force myself to be more positive. Do more things, but I don't want to. I am happy to sit in the house in my PJ's all day, every day. I don't want to deal with all the issues that Dustin is having right now. He is on a bad path and all the talking in the world is not getting through to him.
I thought I was feeling a little better after the party for my parents and being around the family was good for everyone. But now, with Mother's Day approaching, I am worried about my cousins Becky and Randy too, this will be the first without their Mom. I can't imagine how that is going to be for them. I am thankful that I have my mother and realize that I should make her more aware of how thankful I am that I still have her. There are many people that read this blog that have lost their Mom, my thoughts and prayers will be with you on that day as well.
I have so many other posts in my head. Hopefully tomorrow I will be able to get out another. There is so much on my chest, I feel like it is crushing me.

This and that

I am feeling hopeful today. Hopeful about decisions I have made. Thankful for my family and friends that have always been there even when I was not a willing participant. Thankful for new friends and "sisters" to help me with my walk that God has planned for me. I guess for today at least I am feeling a little happy.

Strange, since I should be worried about bills. Always bills. Never ending bills. My house is a mess. My 14 year old has a girlfriend that I think is getting too friendly.

Mom & Dad renewing their vows

And since I never mentioned since it was a "surprise," we (my sisters, brother and I) had a surprise 25th anniversary party for my parents last weekend. It was so nice. My parents were somewhat surprised, you know our family can't keep a total secret, but they were surprised to see some people that they have not for a long time. My Mom's brothers and their families came from out of town. It was bittersweet since my Aunt was not there and toward the end of the evening, we too the balloon arch that my parent's renewed their vows under and released it in remembrance of those that were not with us that evening. It was bittersweet to say the least. We all felt her presence and her absence.

Sending Balloons to Heaven

But for today, I am hopeful.

91 year old WWII vetran....

How much more am I supposed to be able to take? I just got a call from the nursing home where the man I take care of is at. The hospice nurse seems to think that he is in the beginning stages of death. He is having some apnea, his pulse is elevated and his blood pressure is lower. His wife just died in October and I promised her that I would take care of him. I had been taking care of both of them until that point. I have lost so many people in the last few months. I just don't know how much more. I know God never gives you more than you can handle, but really?? There really is no other family and I have been taking care of them for four years now. I don't want to go through this again so soon. I know that you never know for sure when someone is going to die, but I am getting ready to go up there and sit with him. I don't want him to be alone.

More thoughts

My Mom went this week to pick my Ma Maw up from Kentucky. She has a couple doctor appointments up here and my nephews birthday party and some other things going on. So she will be up here back and forth between my house, my Mom's, and my sister's. Now, I know that I have complained about my Ma Maw in the past when we were in the middle of all the care after her surgery and she was crabby and getting homesick. I don't blame her, even I feel better at her house. It's home.
Anyway, with her being up here and my Mom being off work until she finds employment again, it had really got me thinking I want to be near them. I want to spend time with them. Crabby or not, she is here and I want to be near her. I want to be with her. My Mom, the same, crabby or not, I want to be with her. This is new to me. I have never had feelings this strongly about just being by my Mom.
I know that the past few months of this loss has made me more thankful for my family and for my Ma Maw and Mom. I still have them here with me. I can still pick up the phone and call. That is not true for everyone. Not true for my cousin who lost her mother.
So, I am thankful Lord, very thankful that I still have my Ma Maw and my Mom. Thank you.

Some days are harder than others

I keep going to my Aunt's Facebook page. I don't know what I am looking for there. She is not posting anything since she is no longer here. But yet I keep going to look as if there's going to be something new there. I see her face and all the photos she has posted that I took of her at one point or another. I remember her that way and not of the photos of her in the hospital that were sent so that the rest of the family could see her condition (I have deleted those from my phone). I miss her. I would call her a lot. Apparently more than I realized because I catch myself sometimes dialing her number to talk to her. My cousin is there but I can not possibly burden her with how much I am missing her mother. I talk a lot to my Ma Maw, but she lost her daughter. And so it just sits there in my heart and in my thoughts. Tomorrow will be one month since she passed away. I miss her.

I love you and miss you so very much. I know you are resting in peace with angels.

Blah

I haven't had much to say lately. Burying my Aunt was hard on our family. I call her daughter, my cousin, and get voicemail that is her voice. Twice I have called back just to hear it again. Much other than that, things have been quiet or rather, the same here. I have been checking blogs, just have not had much to say. I'm falling in a funk, and I need to find a way out. I intend to do some spring cleaning this weekend, since it is supposed to get colder again.
Until next time...

My Aunt Edith passed away today.
One day and 4 months after her husband.
49 years old.

I can't believe she is gone......

Two posts in one, cause I'm lazy today

I have decided against being a surrogate. As much as I would love to help a couple, I just don't think emotionally that I could do it. I couldn't just hand over a baby or two that I had carried the whole time, even if they were not mine biologically. And after talking with the psych yesterday, she really did not think it was a good idea for me at this time either. I feel guilty in a way that I have let them down, but I would hate myself emotionally if I went through a whole pregnancy and had to hand over the baby. I truly wish them well and hope that they find someone that can make them parents, I just don't think that person is me. Still, I am sad.

And, on another depressing note, my Aunt Edith who just lost her husband in November is in the hospital on life support for the last week. Yesterday they tried taking her off and within 10 minutes she was blue. I think I have said my last words to her and it makes me very sad. She took care of me and my sister a lot when my Mom was working when I was younger and I'm not going to have a proper goodbye with her. She was so depressed after her husband died that she just laid in the bed. She has her own health issues and I think that just made them worse. I don't think she is going to come out of this and I hate that I can not be there. It is very upsetting to me and being how I am, this makes me think about my Ma Maw, how will she handle losing a child? Will something happen to her after that? I truly could not handle that. My Ma Maw, even if I have complained about her, I emotionally am not prepared for something to happen to her and I don't think I ever will be. I guess I need to go do something and get my mind off this before I drive myself crazy. I'm sad, very sad.

Rest in peace Uncle Dave

My Uncle Dave died today after a battle with pancreatic cancer. It was expected but I had hoped that my Aunt would have some more time with him. I don't know what she is going to do. Please lift them in prayer. This is so close to Gramma's death 3 weeks ago.
It just sucks.
So Friday we will travel to Kentucky for his funeral.

Gramma

Gramma died Wednesday October 14, 2009. Her daughters are unbelievable. They were fighting about her things before she even died and then were calling, texting, and leaving me messages ALL day until I turned my phone off that evening. I can't believe how they were totally unconcerned about her when she was alive and then immediately started bickering about her belongings. One of her daughters even got in her car and drove here all the way from Mississippi after she died because she has some old paperwork that said that she was the executor of Gramma's will. But her paperwork is old and she drove here to be executor of nothing because they have nothing! Unbelievable! It absolutely sickens me.

A recent road trip

I went on a road trip this past weekend with my baby sister. It was a long ride but fun. It was nice to get away from everyone for a couple days. We went to pick up my Ma Maw in Kentucky for her Dr appointment up here for her foot. It was a very long ride back. My Ma Maw, what can I say? It is hard to imagine that I love her so much and at the very same time aggravates me beyond sometimes. Don't get me wrong, I am thankful that I still have her with me. I just don't understand the way she is sometimes. I guess I don't have to understand, just accept it. Sometimes, it is just difficult to do. Anyway...
We also saw my Uncle Dave who was recently sent home with hospice and no further chemo. He was diagnosed in March with pancreatic cancer. When we walked in, I honestly did not even recognize him sitting in the chair. It was a shock even though I know that he has been sick and that the outcome is not what everyone had hoped and prayed for, but I was still surprised. He does not look like himself at all. He does not seem himself either. He's there, but then again, he's not. It was sad. I don't even know what to say to my Aunt. It is certain that her husband is going to die. Really, it is just a matter of time. I hope that they have more time together but only the Lord knows how long that will be. She is totally emotionally unprepared for this and I doubt that she will ever be. How do you brace yourself for that?
Please lift their family in prayer.

09-09-09

Have not posted much here lately. Nothing very positive to write so I'm just gonna give you all an update. Gramma was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer. She was sent home with no treatment plan. She had a prescription list that had I filled all the medication would have cost $1100.00 at Walgreens today! I did not fill them all, obviously! She only has about $1000 life insurance policy so I am so so worried about how to have a funeral for her with no money? She has no money, her kids have no money, and $1000 won't go far at all.
My MaMaw went home and has been doing good on her own down there. She was telling me that she is having a lot of pain in her heal so she may have moved the screw from standing on it too much. But, we will not know about that until she comes back up to see the orthopedic doctor later this month.
My brother is a proud new homeowner and we're expecting the arrival of his baby in February. I hope it's another boy. There is a whole other post right there, but I'll save that for another time.
Oh, and I told Buck that this is not working for me and that I don't think that we should be pretending anymore that it is going to. So, in my head, we are not together. But apparently in his head, things are ok. He is calling like every day like everything is normal. I love you hunny and all. I know that he completely knew what I was saying when I wassaying it. But, anyway, I brought home a bunch of stuff from his house today while he was at work and will be working on getting more stuff back here over the next week.
So, right now, I am just tring to keep my head above water and deal with things as they are coming my way.
"I can do all things through He who strengthens me..." (I don't know the exact verse, but love the quote)

Gramma

The lady I care for was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer this past Wednesday. It is not really surprising since she has been a very heavy smoker for years and years, but I was still in shock a little to hear the news. Sad too. I know I have complained about her on her before but I do care about her very much. She is being sent home on Monday with no treatment plan. There will be a visiting nurse, therapist, and home helper until we may need further assistance like hospice.
She just said to me that she wanted to outlive her husband who has been in a nursing home for 4 years. He is 91, but seems healthy for his age except he has Alzheimer's. I promised her that if something happened to her that I would still look after him.

Pathetic politicians

Seriously, I can not believe how people are going on and on about Michael Jackson's death. The same people who are 'mourning' his death today were throwing stones that he was a child molester a couple years ago. And, the mayor of Gary, Oh.My.God! Actually trying to persuade the Jackson family to have the funeral in Gary! What in the world is he thinking? I don't believe that Michael Jackson made all that many visits to Gary after he moved so many years ago. It is just embarrassing, and I do not even live in Gary. Where would they put all the people that may come for a funeral for Michael Jackson? How does the mayor think that he could pay for security for something like that, but the fire and police departments are understaffed. I work in Gary and seriously, it is not a place for a funeral of that magnitude. Any way to capitalize on someone else's tragedy. I hate that people are like that. And it happens all the time. Just pathetic!