School Starts Tomorrow

Wow, my baby starts school tomorrow.
He is crazy excited about it! I have mixed emotions about him going to Kindergarten. He is growing up so fast. He will be six years old in October. It just does not seem possible. But here we are on the doorstep of school.
I love you Lukey Bear.

Also tomorrow, Dustin starts 7th grade in middle school. He is not so happy about school starting. I am hoping that he has a better school year than last year.

Myles will be in 5th grade tomorrow. Wow.

Again, they are just growing up too fast. Sometimes I wish I could freeze time. There is a song called, "You're gonna miss this" I don't know who sings it, but it could not be true.

Some lines go:
"You're gonna miss this. You're gonna want this back. You're gonna wish these days didn't go by so fast. These are some good times...so take a look around. You may not know it now but you're gonna miss this."

Oh how that must be true.

What am I doing??

I am trying not to drop my class. I don't know if I will pass now with all the work I have not done still. I could just kick myself in the ass! AGAIN! And still , I sit here blogging about it instead of writing a paper because I have not read all the material form last week for a paper that was due yesterday and then new week starts tomorrow....

Depression Sucks

I'm so depressed. I just can not seem to bring myself out of it. I do have an appointment with Dr. Shrink on the 14th. I sure hope that she can help me do something. Maybe my meds need adjustment. I don't know, but I can not seem to get anything done and I am really far behind in my class again. This is the third time I am taking this same class and I am behind AGAIN! This is going on week 4 of a 5 week class and I am so far behind that I do not know if I will be able to catch up and actually pass the class. I have never been like this since starting my accounting classes.
My relationship with Buck is on a slow decline. I'm sure that is where we are headed. And I wish I could say that it bothers me, but...
We are just too different in our thinking and what it is that we actually want from each other. And I'm just too tired of trying to please everyone else. I want to do things for me. Maybe that is selfish, but that is how I am feeling. I wish I could say that a relationship seems worth it, but I really can't see that it is.
Maybe it's the depression talking. Maybe not.
My baby starts school in about a week. I thought I was going to be so happy about it. Now not so much. I mean after all, he is the baby. This is the last child I have that will be starting school for the first time. I'm happy to see the little man that he is becoming but sad to see my baby growing up. I remain upbeat and happy about it for him when we are talking about it, but inside I am screaming, it's too soon...not yet...just one more year
I know he will be fine and he will thrive.
Sorry for all the negativity lately. I'm just trying to work through this mess of my life right now.
Until next time...

I can never think of an interesting title

I have been very busy. This is the third week of five for my class. I am so not motivated for this. I have been slacking just like the last time I took this class. I don't know what my problem is with this class.
My MaMaw is doing well. She has a check up with the doctor tomorrow. He is most likely going to remove her stitches and replace the cast. She stayed with me last weekend to give my sister a break. OMG! She's a lot of work, but so worth it. I enjoy having her here with us.
On another note, my brother's girlfriend is pregnant. Found this out a couple weeks ago. It is still undecided how everyone feels about this since this girl has never really tried to speak to any of us and expects my brother to wait on her hand and foot. I'm sure since she is pregnant that she is going to be handicapped! That irritates me to no end. When I was pregnant with all my kids, I never expected anyone to wait on me. With the last one, I was back at work cleaning apartments two days after he was born and I had worked right up until the day before I had him. When I was pregnant with Myles, I was on the roof hanging Christmas lights. And with Dustin, we had bought the house and I moved, painted, ripped out carpet by myself while the ex was at work. Anyway...if my brother is happy, then I am happy. I am sure that she got pregnant on purpose, but the only thing that matters now to me is that my brother is happy and we are going to have another baby in our family. I know my brother is going to be a good father. He is so good with all his nephews and niece.
Nothing much else to say here. I am waiting for the weekend so I can relax at home in my Pj's.
Until next time....

On and On and On

So, My class started again last week. I am already struggling with the reading and assignments like I did last time. Emotionally, I have just felt drained and depressed. I do not feel that Buck and I are going to be together much longer. Luke will be starting school soon and we will not be spending as much time there and I honestly do not feel Buck is going to make the effort to come out here. So we are drifting apart. And really, I have known that this was going to come. It's no surprise to me at all, disappointing, but no surprise. It is what it is.
My Ma Maw will be spending the weekend with me next weekend. I really think that my sister is needing a break and I am more than happy to help with her care. I just don't know how I am going to get very much else done with her here. I started my classes again this past Tuesday and I am still struggling with keeping up with the reading and the assignments. I have to complete this class this time. I HAVE TO. This is the third time I am taking it, and it is going to affect my financial aide if I do not take it now.
I go for the second night of my sleep study this Tuesday and have the follow-up appointment with the Endocrinologist this Thursday. Hopefully they will have some answers for me.
Oh, and my brother sprung the news yesterday that his girlfriend is pregnant. So if Phil is happy about this then the rest of the family must be happy for him as well. And who does not love babies that you can send home? But, I sense that she may have felt turbulance in that relationship and after over 3 years, well her birth conrtol pills stopped working? I really think he should have had so say in the timing of that, but again, if my brother is happy, then I am happy for him. I hope we keep the boy streak going. So far out of 7 Grandkids, we only have one girl. We need another boy.
Until next time....

Intermission

A few updates
I have been very discontent lately. I'm not sure why. I just feel unhappy and depressed. I am trying to pull myself out of it, but I am finding it increasingly difficult. I'm sure that my meds need adjusting, but I have been unable to actually go see the psychiatrist since the insurance change left me with her not on the provider list and others had a wait. Now last week I call again and am told that she is on the provider list but she is going on vacation and will not be in until the end of the month. So, I have medication to last me. I just think that maybe we need to change the meds.
I am going for a sleep study at the end of this month. I am hoping to find answers for my excessive and very loud snoring that Buck keeps complaining about. He actually gets up to sleep on the couch or just goes to the couch to sleep instead of going to bed with me, which has also been bothering me. I know that he needs to sleep too. I know that he is a light sleeper. But still it bothers me that we are just falling into these routines that are in my opinion very unhealthy for our already complicated relationship. And, when he does sleep with me and he has been woke up by my snoring, he gets angry and shitty with me like I am snoring just to keep him awake or something. It's ridiculous.
I also have a follow up appointment with the Endocrinologist at the end of this month. I will find out the results from the extensive blood tests that they did. And hopefully they will have some answers for me and get me feeling better.
My Ma Maw's surgery is finally scheduled for this coming up Wednesday. I am worried for her but know that this surgery will improve her walking and hopefully relieve her of some pain that she has had from her foot being so distorted and walking on the inside of her ankle. Time will tell. She will remain up here at my sister's house to recover since she will not be able to put any weight on that foot for 6 to 8 weeks.
I start back with my classes for my Bachelor's degree on July 21st and I totally am not ready to do that, but I can not take off any more time without it affecting my financial aide. So, I must start again. I don't know how I am going to be able to concentrate on that with so many things going on and my mind is just not in the right place to start with new classes. I hope that I can get into gear with that. I need to. I have to.
I have been quiet lately, well at least where blogging is concerned. I have been feeling so negative about almost everything, and I just don't want to spread that negativity around. It's already all around me. Feels like it is swallowing me up. I feel like I am drowning in it.

Get moving already!

I just started a new class, this is the second week. I do not feel motivated at all. I have not read all the material from last week. I have not started the reading material from this week. I don't want to read it. I have not even started on my paper that was due yesterday. I just can not seem to get my head together to go with this class. I have to take it. I have to do the work, I just can't find it in me this class. I really need to get things moving. These classes only last for five weeks so I can not afford to fall behind and I have already started off behind. It does not feel good.

Back to the books

Well, as of today, my leave of absence I requested for school is over. My new class started today. Really, I was not ready to start back, but I suppose that if I stayed out any longer, then it would be just that much harder to start back again. I still do not feel focused on the readings and schedule, hopefully it will come to me soon.

My Ma Maw has been up here since before Easter, it has been wonderful to have her here and be able to spend time with her. My kids are enjoying being around Ma Maw too. I don't want her to go home. Luke was too funny, I left him with Ma Maw while I was at work for a couple hours and she had him handing her things and getting heavy things out of the fridge for her and he told her "Ma Maw, you're a lot of work!" She thought that was the funniest thing.

I took Luke for Kindergarten round up this past week. He was so excited to see the school he will be going to and to ride on the school bus. They did the testing for Kindergarten and when we left, I asked him if they asked him anything he did not know, he looked at me like I was crazy and said NO! He is so excited about it, but has asked me a couple times what will happen if he can not find the classroom. I have assured him that he will not get lost in the school and if he has a problem, any adult can help him. I am happy and sad that he will be starting school this fall. My last baby is going to school.

Luke's Godmother was in the hospital this past weekend. They are testing her heart and think that maybe she is not getting enough oxygen to the top part of her heart. I am praying that she will get the medical attention that she is needing and take care of herself. Please pray for her.

This past weekend, Myles was acting so bad, I do not know what his problem was, but he was seriously in trouble. He would not listen to a thing I told him to do, he was stalling about doing his chores, he was stalling about getting a bath, he was stalling about going to bed, he was arguing with Luke constantly and literally about everything. By the time he went to his Dad's house Sunday night, he was on my last nerve! But everyone survived. I just hope that he is acting better when I pick him up this week.

Sunday after church, we went to my parents house. Buck was helping them install a door and new floor in the kitchen. Mom ordered pizza for everyone for dinner. Buck says we are all too loud! I have no idea what he is talking about!

Dustin and I will be going to volunteer at a local soup kitchen this Thursday with other volunteers from our church. I am looking forward to going, but Dustin has stated that he does not want to go. I'm taking him anyway, because I feel it will be a good thing for him to do and witness that some people do not have the things that he has. I am just hoping that it will make him have a better understanding that it is hard to get through life sometimes. I hope it just teaches him something and it will be just me and him going. My Mom is going to be watching Luke and Myles while we go.

Until next time...

The late post

I know I had promised an update over the weekend, but I was busy with the kids and cleaning.
I am trying to get things in order at my house before my MaMaw gets here. I looks like I may not be driving down there with my Mom to pick her up after all. My Mom is now not able to go pick her up until Friday 4-10-09. We were supposed to be leaving on that Thursday and coming back on Friday. And it just so happens that is Easter weekend. So I will be coloring Easter eggs with the children and preparing the meal for Easter Sunday. And, it just so happens that my nephews birthday party is going to be on the Saturday, the day before Easter. So, if I drive down to Kentucky with my mother on that Friday and come back on the same day, I still will not have time to color the eggs with the kids on Saturday because we have to go to the birthday party and then that will leave me getting everything ready for Easter dinner on Easter Sunday. I just don't know.
I have been enjoying the break from school. My classes resume on April 21. I just finishes reading World Without End by Ken Follett. It was like the sequel to his first book like it called The Pillars of the Earth. I have to say that I really enjoyed the book. I read the entire book in a week's time. I did not get much else done and neglected my blog and well, cooking too. Everyone was fending for themselves for a few days, but they all found things to cook for themselves, which was nice, because I did not have to cook.
This Friday is Buck and my anniversary, even though we are not currently married, we have been together for 5 years now. We really have no special plans, financially, we can not do very much, but I plan to make a good dinner and buy a bottle of wine. And then his birthday is this coming Sunday, 48 years old. I have to say that the last couple years have aged him. I think it is his field of work, being that it's construction, he is constantly worried about getting jobs and making money, and I think that has aged him quite a bit in the last couple years. But I know that I have aged as well. It happens, such is life.
I have been thinking a lot lately about Luke starting school this year. I am happy about it, but a little sad as well. My "baby" is going off to school. He i very excited about it and I am happy for that. He is so smart and always asking questions. He wants to spell things all the time, which I think is wonderful.
Dustin has been doing good in school the last couple weeks, since his last incident. I just hope that he keeps it up, there are only a couple months left until the end of school and he goes on to the middle school next year. I am hoping that will be good for him. Only time will tell.
I have been experimenting with new recipes for dinner, the other day I made homemade chicken fried rice, it was pretty good and cheaper than ordering Chinese for dinner.
Well, until next time....

Call me crazy

So this last week has been absolutely crazy. Super busy at work. Super busy with assignments for this class that started last week, and actually I am behind in the reading. The kids have different things going on. I spent half the weekend last weekend at my sister's house, which was really great to just be with the family, but I should have been doing schoolwork. But, I really feel that my sister needs support right now with some situations that she is having to deal with and I want her to know that I am here for her and the family. In my absence from the family, I never really noticed how much I did in fact miss them.



I am mentally trying to prepare for my baby to go to school, which is going to bring big changes with my living arrangements and also the schedule with my older boys. I FINALLY got new tires on my van and found that I need sway bars, whatever those are and the tires cost more than I had expected. I still have bills that have yet to be paid. I really want shopping therapy, but I have learned from past experiences that shopping really does not make things better, but further the financial problems. So, that is not an option.



I still have not been able to find an adequate job, which is stressing me out. I know it is a terrible time to be looking for a job with the economy in the dump that it is in, but I seriously need to find a better job. I love my job at the Inn, but I don't get paid enough and I am tired of cleaning up after people, when I could actually be making more money in a field that I worked hard to get a degree in, but the jobs just are not out there right now. So, I will have to stick it out where I am until something happens otherwise.



I am hating the fact that it looks like Luke's Godparents may be moving to Kentucky. It's about four hours from here where they would be moving, but the chances of us going to visit very often are unlikely. And if his Godparents and their girls are all there, then what reason would they have to come back here to visit? It just makes me sad. These people are literally like family to us and I hate the fact that they are going to be leaving the area. It is an opportunity for them to start over and mend feelings among their family, I will just miss them, and I know that Luke will miss them so very much.



And, lastly in this small novel of an update, Dustin turns 13 on Monday. I have to say that I am not looking forward to it at all. He already is such a handful with his attitude and I really don't know a better way to describe how he acts and talks to me and his thinking about things. I know that some would say, "Well, he's a teenager. Get used to it. It's not going to get better." These are comments that I do not want to hear. I rationally realize that he won't be like this forever, but right now, dealing with him, he says very hurtful things, he does not listen to me, I get nasty looks whenever I talk to him, he does not feel that I should be telling him what to do or how to do it, he does not do what I tell him to do until I am yelling at him to get it done, he blatantly disrespects me and I don't know what to do with him. But I have to deal with it, I am his Mom, but sometimes, it is just really difficult. But, on Sunday, we will have him a Birthday party and hopefully he will be happy and it will be good.



So, this is a little of what is going on lately. Oh, and now all of a sudden, Buck has a guilty conscience about not going with me anywhere, so he is going to make a conscious effort to go with me. I feel torn in multiple directions. Oh, and did I mention that when I went to see Dr. Shrink this week, that she changed up my medication a little bit and the new medication is not covered in the plan. So, I do not know what is going to happen with that. The samples that she gave me seem to be helping, but if they are not covered, I can not take it.

Accomplishment!!!

I received my degree in the mail the day before yesterday! I knew that I had earned one, but did not have the certificate in front of me, but there was something about seeing it that just was wonderful. Since, I have showed it to anyone who will look! I can not believe that it took me so long to complete that. It just felt like a huge accomplishment.I'm happy. Now, I just have to get that Bachelor's degree under my belt and then hopefully I will be able to find a better job. The job search is not going so well at the present time. I really hope that changes too.
On a lighter note, nearly my whole immediate family ended up at my sister's house for dinner last night. She had already invited my parents, then I called her up and invited myself, and my brother did the same! The only one who was not there was my baby sister and my nephew. I don't know why she was not there, but she wasn't. It was fun. I have found more and more since I have been associating with them more that I want to be around them more. Maybe it's because I spent so much time away from them that now, I want to be aropund them, I don't know why, but it has been fun and it feels like bonding or maybe reconnecting with them.
Oh, yeah, Dustin turns 13 next week, have I mentioned that already? It is giving me a headache to think about it. My first boy, a teenager! Oh, jeez, what am I going to do?

Just hello

I started new classes yesterday working toward my bachelor degree in accounting. These classes are set up a little different than I am used to, but I'm sure I will get the hang of it. There is a lot of reading to do so I'm not sure how much I will be online. But, I always say that and then I am blogging anyway. I have new photos to upload from the holidays, I will try to get that done later tonight. Hope that everyone is well and off to a great 2009.
Until next time.

A sigh of relief

I finished my final. Yeah!! I have the next few weeks off from classes. My bachelor's program starts January 5, 2009. But for the next couple weeks, I can relax and not have to worry about when assignments are due. So this is definitely a sigh if relief for me. I need the break. Now, it will take four to six weeks for my degree to come in the mail. Hopefully, I will be able to find a better job now. But I am not going to worry about that for right now. I'm just happy that I finished this program and finally completed a degree. I realize that it is just an associate's degree, but it feels like a HUGE accomplishment for me.

Frustrated with myself

I've done it again! My final is due this Sunday. That's right in like two days and I once again have not started it. I have to write a huge paper for Sunday, research and all. I don't know why I do this to myself. I am so stressed about it and I know it is my fault. I have had all week to work on it. Why? Oh, why do I do this every time?

Please, some sanity

I may be a little scarce this week. My final for my cost accounting class is due this week. I am stressing about it as usual, since I have not even started it yet. I swear, I do not know why I do this to myself, every time, I wait until the last minute and then freak out about it until I finish it. Thank God this is my last class to complete my associates degree. I will have new classes start in January toward the bachelors degree, but after Sunday, I will have completed the associates degree. I can barely believe it. For me, it feels like a huge accomplishment. I just have to get through this final.

What is my problem??

I am stressing MAJOR!! I am so mad at myself! I always do this. I have finals due tomorrow and I am just today really working on them! What the heck is my problem that I can not just start early and not be freaking out about them at the last minute? I hate that I do this. I really did try to start early, but every time I sat down to write...nothing. Not a thought would come to mind about the topic I am supposed to be writing about. I blog, check email, surf the web, read blogs, totally waste time! But work on my finals, oh no, I can't do that until the last minute and even now, What am I doing?? Blogging about how I am not doing my finals!! I don't know what my problem is!

Yeah...

I am so excited! I have all my assignments completed for this week except for one that is not due until Sunday!! I can not believe that I am that far ahead. It's a good thing though, because next week are finals and I will have tons of work to do, so I am a little ahead of the workload for next week, which is great!

Why I love the weekends...

A typical day:

5:00-6:00am - get out of bed, shower, get ready to go to work, etc
6:00am - Wake kids up and get them started for the day. Dressed, breakfast, teeth brushed, hair fixed, out the door. Does everyone have everything?
7:00am - leave house to take the older boys to school
7:30-9:00 am - have to be at work at one of my jobs, different day, different job thru the week
2:00-5:00 pm - it depends what day it is as to what time I get off work
2:30pm - pick up Myles from school
Pick Luke up from daycare somewhere in this time or do grocery shopping while waiting to get Dustin
4:45pm - pick Dustin up from school
5:00pm - Myles baseball practice
6:00pm - Dustin swimming practice
6:30 - Myles practice over
7:30pm - Dustin's practice over
Drive home, check homework that has been completed in the van, waiting for the other kid to get out of practice or school.
Sometimes we have dinner out, sometimes I still have to make dinner when we get home while the kids are getting ready for bed.
9:00pm - all kids go to bed
I do some homework, clean up the kitchen, do some laundry, whatever else needs to get done for the day
11:00-11:30pm - I go to bed to start all over in the morning!

On the weekend, Myles will usually have a game on Saturday until the end of September when baseballl is over. And Dustin will have swim meets thrown in on the weekends too. But on the weekend, I don't have to drive around as much. I also work on my homework a lot on the weekends. And of course, I am able to stay connected to the internet via laptop when I am not at home, which feels like I'm rarely at home. I'd really like a vacation from life sometimes. How does one go about arranging that??
No wonder I feel so stressed out all the time.

Summer is officially over!

OK, I was all ready for school to start, yes. And now I am rushing around like a crazy woman (not that I wasn't already a crazy woman!) after school, eye doctor, store, dinner, baseball practice, and then we did not even get home until 8:15pm and Luke is already supposed to be in bed by then and Myles is supposed to be in bed by then too! Dustin takes an hour shower, which I still can not figure out. I mean, really...He takes longer showers than I do. He's a boy. Hour showers?? Hmmm.

Ahhhh, School starts...

My boys go back to school tomorrow. I'm glad. They have fought most of the summer and when they were not fighting, they were complaining about one thing or another. They just need to get back into the routine of school, homework and activities. I will be doing more running around chauffering kids, but that's how it goes. I'm sure that most moms are happy, although a little sad to see the kids go back to school. I can't believe that the summer went by so fast. It's the middle of August already! Next thing I know it will be Christmas. I'm so not ready for that yet.