Sunday, July 26, 2009

On and On and On

So, My class started again last week. I am already struggling with the reading and assignments like I did last time. Emotionally, I have just felt drained and depressed. I do not feel that Buck and I are going to be together much longer. Luke will be starting school soon and we will not be spending as much time there and I honestly do not feel Buck is going to make the effort to come out here. So we are drifting apart. And really, I have known that this was going to come. It's no surprise to me at all, disappointing, but no surprise. It is what it is.
My Ma Maw will be spending the weekend with me next weekend. I really think that my sister is needing a break and I am more than happy to help with her care. I just don't know how I am going to get very much else done with her here. I started my classes again this past Tuesday and I am still struggling with keeping up with the reading and the assignments. I have to complete this class this time. I HAVE TO. This is the third time I am taking it, and it is going to affect my financial aide if I do not take it now.
I go for the second night of my sleep study this Tuesday and have the follow-up appointment with the Endocrinologist this Thursday. Hopefully they will have some answers for me.
Oh, and my brother sprung the news yesterday that his girlfriend is pregnant. So if Phil is happy about this then the rest of the family must be happy for him as well. And who does not love babies that you can send home? But, I sense that she may have felt turbulance in that relationship and after over 3 years, well her birth conrtol pills stopped working? I really think he should have had so say in the timing of that, but again, if my brother is happy, then I am happy for him. I hope we keep the boy streak going. So far out of 7 Grandkids, we only have one girl. We need another boy.
Until next time....

Friday, July 17, 2009


My Ma Maw's surgery went well. She is in some pain, but she looks great and I think that she is doing really well. I went to see her today. Her toes are straight on that foot. The first time I think I have ever seen her toes straight. She is in a cast now and can not put any weight on that foot, so she is basically stuck at my sister's house where someone is home all the time. It sucks really, cause I would like to pick her up and bring her home with me for a few days like we were doing before the surgery but I really have no way to get her in the house. So, for right now, I will go to my sister's to visit with her. But she is fine. I had so much anxiety about her surgery the night before she went in, I could not sleep all night. I just could not stop thinking that what if something went wrong? But, everything went good and I am thankful for that. I really hope that this will help her to be in less pain. Love you Ma Maw.

Friday, July 10, 2009


A few updates
I have been very discontent lately. I'm not sure why. I just feel unhappy and depressed. I am trying to pull myself out of it, but I am finding it increasingly difficult. I'm sure that my meds need adjusting, but I have been unable to actually go see the psychiatrist since the insurance change left me with her not on the provider list and others had a wait. Now last week I call again and am told that she is on the provider list but she is going on vacation and will not be in until the end of the month. So, I have medication to last me. I just think that maybe we need to change the meds.
I am going for a sleep study at the end of this month. I am hoping to find answers for my excessive and very loud snoring that Buck keeps complaining about. He actually gets up to sleep on the couch or just goes to the couch to sleep instead of going to bed with me, which has also been bothering me. I know that he needs to sleep too. I know that he is a light sleeper. But still it bothers me that we are just falling into these routines that are in my opinion very unhealthy for our already complicated relationship. And, when he does sleep with me and he has been woke up by my snoring, he gets angry and shitty with me like I am snoring just to keep him awake or something. It's ridiculous.
I also have a follow up appointment with the Endocrinologist at the end of this month. I will find out the results from the extensive blood tests that they did. And hopefully they will have some answers for me and get me feeling better.
My Ma Maw's surgery is finally scheduled for this coming up Wednesday. I am worried for her but know that this surgery will improve her walking and hopefully relieve her of some pain that she has had from her foot being so distorted and walking on the inside of her ankle. Time will tell. She will remain up here at my sister's house to recover since she will not be able to put any weight on that foot for 6 to 8 weeks.
I start back with my classes for my Bachelor's degree on July 21st and I totally am not ready to do that, but I can not take off any more time without it affecting my financial aide. So, I must start again. I don't know how I am going to be able to concentrate on that with so many things going on and my mind is just not in the right place to start with new classes. I hope that I can get into gear with that. I need to. I have to.
I have been quiet lately, well at least where blogging is concerned. I have been feeling so negative about almost everything, and I just don't want to spread that negativity around. It's already all around me. Feels like it is swallowing me up. I feel like I am drowning in it.

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

'See you later' is harder than I thought

Our very close friends, Luke's Godparents are moving away next month some time. I am so sad about this. We have been very close and they watched Luke a lot for me when he was younger and I was working. Luke is very attached to them and so are the other boys. I'm trying not to see it as Goodbye, but 'see you later' but just don't know when that later is going to be. They are not moving far, far but far enough that I know we will not be seeing them very much. It just makes me sad and I am not looking forward to sending them off. I thought I would protest like I have done when the girls went off to college, but protesting got me nowhere. The girls still went off to college and Heather is getting married next year and moving even further away. It just is weighing on my heart today. I know that they are having a moving sale this week, I hope that goes well for them. But wherever they go, they are going to be in our hearts for always.

Friday, July 3, 2009


Have not really had much to say lately. Sick and tired hearing about Michael Jackson. My kids won't stop fighting. Having issues with Buck. Just nothing positive to say right now, so taking a little break.
Until next time.