I have an appointment with an Endocrinologist on June 9th.
Hopefully he will be able to figure out what is going on with me.
I'm so tired of feeling this way. I can not even describe how this feels.

Worth Considering...

I got this in an email and it truly is words to live by.

Worth Considering

Written By Regina Brett, 90 years old, of The Plain Dealer, Cleveland , Ohio.

"To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lesson s life taught me. It is the most-requested column I've ever written. My odometer rolled over to 90 in August, so here is the column once more:"

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.

2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.

3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.

4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch.

5. Pay off your credit cards every month.
6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.

8. Its OK to get angry with God. He can take it.

9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.

10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.
11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.

12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.

13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.

15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.
16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.

17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.

18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.

19. It’s never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.

20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take No for an answer.
21. Today is special. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets and wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion.

22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.

23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.

24.The most important sex organ is the brain.

25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.
26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'

27. Always choose life.

28. Forgive everyone everything.

29. What other people think of you is none of your business.

30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.
31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

33. Believe in miracles.

34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.

35. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.
36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.

37. Your children get only one childhood.

38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.

39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.

40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.
41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

42. The best is yet to come.

43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

44. Yield.

45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift."

Pointless rambling

Not much going on this weekend. The kids let me sleep in this morning, which was really nice. Decided to stay in my PJ's all day. I am hopelessly addicted to the Farm Town game on Facebook and have wasted way too much time online today. Monday we are having a cookout at my parent's house.
In other news, I got Luke's results from the Kindergarten Roundup, overall, I think he did pretty good. He was average in some things, above average in others and on the lower of average on one assessment. I know not to read too much into these right now. And he is going to be placed in the afternoon class as I had requested, so that is good. It will work out so much better with daycare and having to pick the older kids up from school as well.
I made pork and cabbage last night for dinner, it was great! Today I made lime chicken in the crock pot...I really love the crock pot. I cut up a watermelon after dinner, I swear it was gone in about 5 minutes, I kid you not.
Oh yeah, I finally made myself an appointment with the doctor on Thursday. I was in the office for 3 hours! (Which is why I put off going there so much.) Of course, I had Luke with me and he was getting bored and tired of being there as I was too. The doctor actually saw me for about 5 minutes or less and then sent me to the lab for a blood test. We waited some more at the lab. When we finally got back there, Luke was standing by the wall because there was only the chair for the patient to get blood work done. I told him "don't touch anything" and the lab technician said "oh yeah, you better come over here away from there, there are needles on that table" well naturally, I about bit her head off, cause 1) I was sitting right there, 2) He was not touching anything to begin with 3) I already had it under control without her opening her mouth to tell my kid what to do when I was sitting right there. It just made me so angry. He wasn't touching anything, he was not misbehaving. So, I feel she had no business saying anything to my kid since I was right there. Anyway, I finally went because I have been very depressed, I have gained about 50 pounds in the last year (which is also depressing), I have been so so crabby and moody, my hair has been falling out so bad everyday that my hair is noticeably thinner, and I just generally do not feel good. Well, the doctor says that those are all symptoms of a slow thyroid. He ordered a blood test and I will find out the results on Tuesday. He also gave me a script for allergies, which is nothing new. Darn sinuses and allergies.
So, this weekend I am staying home and trying to relax and then Monday we are going to my parent's. My Mom has been bugging the crap out of me since Thursday about can Luke spend the night, can Myles spend the night, can Dustin spend the night! Does she not realize that my kids spend half their time with me and half of the time with my ex, so this is MY weekend. And then I have to point that out to her. Seriously, come on.
Maybe I will get some good photos this weekend. Well, enough rambling for now.
Until next time.....

Again about the cat

OK, I know the last post was about the cat too, but....
Smokey has bald spots on his stomach and one on each front leg. I am totally freaking out about it. He is 10 years old. He has never had anything like this before. I googled and called around to vets yesterday about it. Of course the vets all say well, they can not say without seeing him, which will cost me an arm and a leg usually. I seriously can not afford to take the cat in to the vet right now. So after speaking to several vets yesterday, I have decided to watch it and see if it gets worse. It is does, then I will be taking him to the vet. I would not be so hesitant about it, but these spots are not red at all, they are not scaly at all, he's not itching at all, it does not look irritated at all. On a google search, some articles say that he could be excessively grooming and essentially licking his fur off from stress or boredom. So, I will be buying him some toys today while I am at Walmart and praying that this does not get worse. I have been so worried about it for the last two days now. I am constantly checking to see if it is worse or looks irritated, but it really looks fine, just that there is no fur there.
So Internets, has anyone ever experienced this problem with their cat?? Please tell me about it.

Just for the record...

I really hate scooping the cat box!
It is Dustin's job mostly, but when they are with their Dad, well, I have to and I really hate it. But, Smokey must have a clean place to do his business, so, I shall do it until Dustin gets here! Poor Dustin.
Just for the record.

Feeling down

I dropped my class today.
I was too far behind to catch up in the next two weeks. I could not focus on the readings, so I put them off. I could not focus on the assignments, so I put them off. I was so excited and felt such accomplishment when I completed the Associates degree, I thought my life was going to change, FINALLY. It didn't. At first I was so excited to start my classes toward the Bachelor's degree and now, I don't even think it matters.
I'm just so depressed right now. It sucks.
I wonder if I am just destined to be stuck in this place. It sucks. I just feel so miserable and like I have failed.
I have been crabby with everyone lately. I have been angry with my kids about so many things in the last week. I worry that the memories they will have will be of me being angry and not the good times that we have. But, more and more, there have been less good times and more aggravation and anger. I feel frustrated that my kids do not listen to me. Dustin tries to say and do whatever he wants, with no regard for what I tell him or ask him to do or not to say. He has anger issues and I know that his father has a temper and apparently I do too. Myles has a smart mouth. He also completely ignores what I tell him to do. I tell him to hang up his clothes, he goes to his room, comes out like he did it and an hour or two later, I go in his room and there are the clothes I told him to put away! It infuriates me! Luke picks up their habits and obviously only thinks that he has to behave when we are with his Dad. Is it me? Am I doing something wrong? I must be. I feel like a bad mother because my kids do not listen and I yell at them. I feel like I spend all my time yelling at them and not enjoying the time that we are together.
I just am not in a good place right now. I feel like I am stuck here and there is nothing that I can so to change the situation. I do realize that things are not going to change without some action from me, but what am I supposed to do? I don't know. And I hate that I don't know.
I have not been able to find a thing to be happy about. I am stressed on so many levels, I want to crawl in bed and wait for time to me pass by.
I just am not happy and I don't know how to fix it.

Mother's Day

Well today I spent most of Mother's Day being angry with my kids for not listening to me, fighting with each other, and just generally misbehaving. We went to my sister's house for the annual Mother's Day celebration. There was tons of food. Lots of people. It was nice. But really, I am just depressed about my kids and just life in general at this point. I wanted to take the kids and drop them off and go back home alone for Mother's Day. But, we all went together. The kids played outside the whole time we were there. I caught up with my Mom and sister's. My brother came out there too after he got off work.
Overall, I'm glad today is almost over and pray that tomorrow will be better.
And then, I read some of the blogs that I follow and I hear how they are suffering this Mother's Day because their children are no longer with them and it makes me feel terrible because here I am and I have all my children with me and have only been mostly angry with them all day. I am thankful for my children and all that they bring to my life. I know that sometimes I need to lighten up and not get bent out of shape when things are not going exactly how they should, but that has been increasingly difficult for me lately. I know I have not been very uplifting with my posts lately, I'm sorry for that. I am just trying to work out so many things in my head and in my life.
Thanks for reading.
Happy Mother's Day to all my Momma readers.
Until next time....

Oh, and I forgot my camera so no Mother's Day photos to post. Did not even realize I forgot it until I got back and it was on the table.

I think I'm going to invest in wine

I have been having some serious problems with Luke not listening to me or really just in general. He just completely ignores me. We had the incident last week with the stranger business. And he had not been listening last week. A couple weeks ago, the daycare lasy had said that he was not being nice to his friends at daycare, friends one minute and can't stand the kid the next minute, he even hit this boy. Then today, I pick him up and she tells me the exact same thing about the friends and he hit this boy again. So, I go to Meijer for some things right after picking him up from daycare, and he has a complete meltdown in Meijer because I took the plastic $1 ball away from him so I COULD PAY FOR IT!
Seriously, he started crying, whining, snot and drool everywhere. He's 5 years old! I was so angry. I gave the ball to the neighbor kid when we got home, just so he would get the picture that I'm not messing around. I don't know what is the problem with him. Maybe it's me. But this is making me crazy.
Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

Oh, and as a side note, my hair is falling out, like a lot. It's kinda freaking me out.

Cheering for Noah

My friend, Tilda, from one of the Mom's groups that I have belonged to for a couple years now, she is having a very difficult situation and could really use all the prayers that can be sent their way. Last week, her 9 year old son collapsed at swimming. It turns out that he had a massive stroke/brain bleed. I hope I am saying that right. There has been a website set up and I would really appreciate if you could just drop her a line of well wishes.

http://www.hopefornoah.com/

There are some photos of Noah and an update page you can read for the latest updates. He is partially paralyzed on the right side and is having difficulty talking. He has a long rough road ahead to recovery.

Love to you Tilda.

Makeover

Gave the blog a makeover last night. Not sure if I like it or not. I'm not one big for change, but I'll give it a couple days. I may change it back or find a different one. Not sure yet.
Until next time...

Worry, worry, worry and repeat

After a crazy, busy week I am looking forward to staying home this weekend in my PJ's. I have tons of homework to catch up on that I have managed to neglect all week. Now I have to work on that this weekend. I don't know that I will ever get totally caught up now, since I am almost two whole weeks behind and the class is only five weeks long. We shall see what happens this weekend. I am optimistic, but reserved about it as well.

My sister took Ma Maw home to Kentucky today. I have to say that I am sad that she has left. I always feel like it is the last time that I am going to see her and I hate feeling like that. I have serious anxiety about it. I do call her daily, but it is never the same as being with her and spending time with her.

Myles managed to step on a nail at his Dad's house and his foot is now infected. Dustin had hours of homework to do last night. He actually stayed up later than I did. Then, he did not finish it until this morning before we left for school. I also found out just tonight that the Middle School orientation for the parents is this coming Tuesday of which Dustin failed to mention. He doesn't feel that we should have to know about the Middle School, he's going there, not the parents. Or perhaps his father already knew about it and failed to share that information, which could totally be possible as well. Either way, I am going to be there Tuesday, because I want to know what is going on and it is my responsibility to know what is going on with his school, whether Dustin or his Dad likes it or not. It really is awesome that the school sends out emails of what's happening next week. Thank you.

And, oh, geez, the family drama just never ends. Did I mention before that I had not missed that in the time that I was not speaking to them? I'm sure I must have mentioned it before. Nothing big really, just normal family drama, you know, everyone has to deal with it at some time, I am sure.

I went to the grocery store for Gramma (the old lady that I take care of that drives me out of my mind!). I am so conflicted about the situation with her. I got suckered in to taking care of her just by taking her to the doctor one time, then she somehow became my responsibility. And, really I feel bad that she has no one else to take care of her. But she calls me several times a day (lonely), but I just do not have time to be one the phone all the time and it never fails that she calls when I am at work or totally busy. Then I have to find time to go to the store for her and deliver her stuff to her and sort her pills, pick up her pills, take out the garbage, pick up her bills, pay her bills, go to some doctor appointments, take care of the paperwork for the nursing home for her husband, things like that. Which is all fine, but I have my own family, two jobs, three kids, and I am attending school full time online. The kids are in sports and have practices and games and swim meets will be soon starting for the summer season for Dustin. I just do not have time for this sometimes, then I feel guilty cause I think well, just do it and not complain. What else can I do? Buck thinks I am crazy for doing all that for her with no pay, but she really has no one else to take care of her and she really can not afford to pay me. She is 88, almost 89 years old, so what else can I do? Suck it up and take care of her.

Well, I do not know how that turned into a rant about Gramma, but OK. I was actually wanting to post about something Luke did that just really scared me to death and I am not sure if I handled it good or got through to him, so I am turning to the Internets to help me out here.
OK, here's the story, I will try to keep it short, but can't promise anything. We went to Gramma's to drop off her groceries. Luke always helps me carry in her things, I put some things away and label some things for her since she is legally blind. Well, she needed me to sort some of her pills that she got mixed up, so I told Luke to stay in the living room, I went into the bedroom to sort the pills, maybe 5 minutes, but in that time, Luke went outside even though he was told to stay in the living room. We never totally close the patio door cause Gramma smokes A LOT and I can barely breathe in there and try to leave as soon as possible cause we both have asthma and when we leave, we smell like smoke which I do not like either. So, I sort her pills and go out to the living room, and Luke is not in the living room, he went outside. I look outside, I don't see him. My heart sinks. I call him and he says, "I'm over here Mom, I'm talking to Jim." Well, first off, why the hell are you outside and who the hell is Jim? Well, Jim flashes his US Census Bureau ID, but really I don't care who he is, Luke is not supposed to be outside, and he surely is not supposed to be talking to strangers. I not so politely told Jim that I do not care who he is, that Luke is not supposed to be talking to strangers and proceed to flip out on Luke cause 1) he is outside when I said to wait in the living room, 2) he is talking to a stranger, 3) this Jim didn't think to say, well, does your Mom know you are outside by yourself?, and 4) HE'S NOT SUPPOSED TO BE TALKING TO STRANGERS!!! I can not tell you how many times we have talked about this. It scared the hell out of me. Had this been some child predator or whatever, Luke could have been gone! And, we have talked about this so many times. I gave him the third degree, I whipped him over it (I know, some may not agree, but I whipped him), I talked to him some more, I told him that he could NEVER see us again if someone were to take him becasue he was with a stranger. His Dad talked to him about it some more. I was so scared about what could have happened. I was disappointed. I was so angry because we have talked about it so many times and I was sure that Luke would not do that because we had told him so many times. I was also angry cause why would that guy not say hey, where's your Mom or Does she know you are out here? That guy was just out there talking to my 5 year old!

So please tell me Internets, what would you do? Have you had similar incidents? How do you get this in your kids head that they can not talk to strangers that there are people out there that will take you? What am I doing wrong? Or right? Please give me some advice here, I am really needing it about this one.