Many Blessings

     I have so many blessings to be thankful for I simply can not list them all.
At last...I have all three of my boys under the same roof full time. It is wonderful and chaotic, but it makes my heart full even with the struggles and adjustments. My heart and home are full. I could not ask for more.
     Merriest Christmas to all my dear friends and family near and far. My most sincere wish for you all is peace in your hearts and happiness in the New Year to come.

I have a new obsession

many faces of my coffee cup.

I am addicted to coffee. I never thought I would be one of those people but here I am. My Dad got a Keurig in November and I never touched it until recently when I was too lazy to drive to Dunkin Donuts for my coffee (the only place I would previously buy coffee.)  

First thing in the morning I fill my huge coffee mug from the Keurig. It's amazing stuff. I have my organic sugar and raw cream. By far the best coffee I have ever had in my life. I'm thinking why have I never tried this before? Now I am concerned about how much waste there is with the k cups so I have ordered a reusable filter and you're supposed to be able to put your favorite coffee in there and still have the most amazing cup of coffee. We shall see. I'm also thinking someone needs to buy me a Kuerig when I move out of Mom and Dad's and won't be able to use Dad's every day. I can not rave about it enough. The perfect cup of coffee. Every single cup. :) It's a good way to start the day. 

And my heart breaks

If I was a teenager, I would want to be with the parent that lets me do whatever I want. I would want to be with the parent that lets me stay up all night, not do my homework, not be after me about my grades, not care where I am or who I am with, not care what I'm doing, I have no supervision or guidance. I can do whatever I want. There are no chores.

If my other parent was totally the opposite, well of course I would want to be where I have more freedom and no one watching over my back all the time. I get it. I really do.

...But as that other parent, it is so hard to accept that my child only wants me when he can get something out of it. My sweet child only uses me for his benefit and then I'm kicked to the curb like yesterdays trash. It hurts. It breaks my heart. And yet I keep trying to do what is best for him although he hates me for it. That is my job...right? To keep trying and trying until there is nothing left of me, because it is what is best for him although no one seems to care except me. I don't know how much more my heart can take. I miss my sweet boy. I want him back.

Why do I love you?

My life feels like a country song these days. There's a song out there I can not think of the name...about wanting someone when you just can not seem to make it work out. Loving them or wanting them even though you know you shouldn't. That is where I am at these days. There is someone that I love more than I have ever loved anyone, but we just can't seem to make things work out. We love each other, but we hate each other. We value each other's opinion, but we don't want to say one is right and one is wrong, even though we do not agree on most subjects. We continue to support each other and look out for each other but living together is out of the question. I trust him with my child but I would never trust him with my heart again. He hurt me so bad in the past I didn't think I would ever get over it. I have. But I still remember. We both have said awful things to each other in anger, and then are quick to apologize. It's confusing. And yet we are attracted to each other again and again. He's actually the only person that I think I have ever really loved, maybe the only person I will ever really love. I don't know.
Or another song runs through my mind...I hate everything about you...you hate everything about me...why do I love you?
Some things I just can not seem to figure out.
Maybe it's just better to not to try to figure it out.

While I wasn't looking

I must admit...I really miss my children being younger. The teenagers are growing up so fast. Next year my oldest baby will be 18. He's talking of joining the military, which makes me so proud and yet scared to death. Also next year I will have two kids in high school and my baby will be in fourth grade! How did that happen? I look at them all and still see my little babies, no matter how big they get. It's wonderful and sad at the same time. They don't need me as much, which gives me more time for things that I've always said I wanted to do, but now I just want them to spend time with me, but they have friends and plans that they don't want to have family movie night anymore. It's been on my mind a lot lately, what am I going to do when they all grow up?
Eventually, it's just going to be me and the animals.
Maybe I will actually end up being the crazy cat lady...

Now we wait...I hate waiting

So we went to court yesterday. The judge will have a meeting with Myles next week and then make her ruling about the custody arrangement. I am so nervous about it. I have been going crazy with all of it. I just want what is best for all my boys. It's sad that their father is so uninvolved in their lives but still wants the control. It is a matter of control, not just over the kids but over me as well. I hate that he does not put their best interests first. It makes me angry. And now I just wait to see what is going to happen. I'm hopeful, but really, I have no faith in the legal system. If it were as it should be, we would have never got joint custody to begin with due to his violent nature and domestic violence. Please keep us in your prayers during this time.

To be determined...

I've had so much on my mind lately, I really haven't felt myself. My medication has been changed several time trying to get things in balance, but I'm struggling with it. I have had constant fear and panic since the boys were in their accident. I'm so overwhelmingly paranoid that something is going to happen to them when they are not with me. I am constantly worrying about them even more so than before the accident and I'm driving myself crazy with it.
This week I have a court hearing with their father because I filed for full custody, rather than the joint custody that we have currently and I'm so worried about it, it is making me a basket of nerves. I'm hoping and praying that things go well in court, and that I will get the full custody but he has an attorney and I do not and you just never know how those things will go. I really hope with all the evidence and testimony that I have that the judge will finally see how things really are, but I'm going to be going crazy about it until Tuesday. Please say a prayer for me that things will be okay. Right now, I'm just trying to stay calm and totally failing at it.
Dustin celebrated his 17th birthday yesterday, I can not even believe that he's that old. I look at him and still see my little baby. I don't know why they grow up so fast. I'm so proud and lucky to be his Mom.
Until next time...

2013

Welcome 2013.

I'm sure hoping you will bring better things than 2012. I'm hopefully optimistic about it.

My children are all going to be going to the same schools. My children are all under one roof. My children are all healthy and safe. I'm looking for a different place to live, because my kids don't want to go to Kentucky. So I will have to find a place closer to here that will work until I can get to Kentucky sometime in my life. Right now though it just isn't the right time.

I have lots of goals for myself for this year. I want to try to be a more patient person. I want to be on time, I'm always late and it is stressful. I want to be more timely. I want to show my children that they can have disagreements and no swear and get angry. I will be working on this as well. I want to stop swearing. I don't think I swear a lot but even when I do, I just feel it is not necessary to get your point across, and I want them to watch what they are saying. We are going to implement a swear jar.

I'm going to watch what I eat and continue to make healthy choices for me and my family. I want to really focus on the important things in life, because I have been shown that just so quickly things can change. I want my kids to always know that I love them with my whole heart from my actions, words, and reactions.

I think this is a great way to start the year. Many blessings to you as we start this brand New Year.