Saturday, February 6, 2010

Two posts in one, cause I'm lazy today

I have decided against being a surrogate. As much as I would love to help a couple, I just don't think emotionally that I could do it. I couldn't just hand over a baby or two that I had carried the whole time, even if they were not mine biologically. And after talking with the psych yesterday, she really did not think it was a good idea for me at this time either. I feel guilty in a way that I have let them down, but I would hate myself emotionally if I went through a whole pregnancy and had to hand over the baby. I truly wish them well and hope that they find someone that can make them parents, I just don't think that person is me. Still, I am sad.

And, on another depressing note, my Aunt Edith who just lost her husband in November is in the hospital on life support for the last week. Yesterday they tried taking her off and within 10 minutes she was blue. I think I have said my last words to her and it makes me very sad. She took care of me and my sister a lot when my Mom was working when I was younger and I'm not going to have a proper goodbye with her. She was so depressed after her husband died that she just laid in the bed. She has her own health issues and I think that just made them worse. I don't think she is going to come out of this and I hate that I can not be there. It is very upsetting to me and being how I am, this makes me think about my Ma Maw, how will she handle losing a child? Will something happen to her after that? I truly could not handle that. My Ma Maw, even if I have complained about her, I emotionally am not prepared for something to happen to her and I don't think I ever will be. I guess I need to go do something and get my mind off this before I drive myself crazy. I'm sad, very sad.

3 comments:

Diana said...

I'm sorry that you are having a sad day Bonny. It's understandable though. It sounds like you found the answer to your dilemma and I would have been sad as well but you did the right thing by thinking about your future. And so sorry to hear about your aunt,poor dear. It almost sounds as though she really wants to be with her husband. Just keep all of the good memories that you have of her in your heart. It helps.
Love Di

billiemae said...

Bonny,
I am so glad you decided not to go ahead and be a surrogate.. I think you made the right choice...
I am very sorry to hear about your Aunt . I think that if you pray for her you will feel better.. I was looking on your page and saw three very handsome young men that need a healthly mama.... I pray that you will ask God for the help you need.. I am asking for you...
Be strong in your Faith.... You need to remember to keep good thoughts and memories alive..
God Bless.
billiemae
http://astrollthrumythoughts.blogspot.com

Bonny said...

Yeah, the more I thought about it, I know I just could not. And after talking to my Dr. she didn't think it was a good idea to come off my medication to surrogate either.

My Aunt, well, I am prayingso much for her.And her kids. She has 4 Grandkids, she is their only grandparent. I just pray for God's will. I have to hand it over to him, because it is making me crazy.
Thank you about my boys. They help get me through. I love them more than anything. Just as any other Mom.
Thanks so much. God Bless and love to you.