Monday, February 8, 2010

I'm so glad I got a dog

I have got to do something. I feel so depressed.
The Psych just keeps changing my meds which is sending me in emotional circles. I feel like I am spiraling out of control sometimes. She just changes another medication or adds another or takes one off. This crazy cocktail. I don't even know if it's working, but she reassures me I should continue with the meds. Most of the time, I wonder.
Buck. Buck. Buck......
I am still letting him see Luke but it is killing me. It kills me that he's calling everyday to talk to Luke. I don't talk to Buck when he calls, but just knowing that he's on the phone...
These are all things that he said "Oh, I don't have time for this" He has picked Luke up for some weekends, and I'm happy that Luke has him, but knowing that he lied and cheated on me and my son thinks that he's just great, it makes me mad. Suddenly, he has time now to be with Luke that he never had before or wanted to have for before, and really I think that he does it more for his own benefit than for Luke. It's so he's not completely alone all the time, and Luke worships him. It makes me sad. It makes me cry. It makes me angry.
I can't move on. I can't go back. I don't see the future.
I have prayed and prayed about this and I just don't hear any answers.
Realistically, I know that Buck and I could never be together again. I could never trust him again. I know this. But, my heart, well it just does not listen.
OK, enough of my pity party. I have some chores to do before I go to bed.

8 comments:

billiemae said...

I am so glad you got a dog... What kind did you get? I am sure the little men in your life will love it!!!!'Bonny, I hope you will go and check out my blog... I am going to put something on there YOU need to see.. Please go and visit ok? let me know if you do it.. praying for you and the little men.... billiemae

Diana said...

It's o.k. Bonny to get angry and depressed over things especially something so big. But after you've done that for awhile you need to get up and go out and do something for yourself. Something new, or something that you haven't done in a long time. Just go and do something for you!
Grab a friend or go alone, just as long as it is something that you want to do. Love Di

billiemae said...

Bonny,
Please go to my blog and read
" Looking Glass" I wrote that for you....
http://astrollthrumythoughts.blogspot.com
love billiemae

Bonny said...

Billiemae, I have looked at your blog and it has really made me think aobut many aspects of my life. I am working on being more positive, I just have not got there yet. Oh, and I got a Great Dane puppy right after Buck and I broke up. There are photos of her in the side column on Flicker if you want to see. She's wonderful, except when she's chewing up my shoes. lol

Di,
Thanks so much for coming back all the time when it all sounds so negative. :) I did go get the dog and the tattoo after this happened, both of which were totally unexpected. And it makes me feel better for a little while, and then the depression comes back.

billiemae said...

Bonny, I just want to help you.. I have been where you are and I was there for over 32 years... I do understand your pain and your frustration.. I know what was looking back at me and I dont want to see anyone else have to go thru the same thing I did... Would you do a favor for yourself? I know that different people handle things differently... but this may be worth a shot ok?
Would you take a pad of paper and write down on it what you like about yourself.. be honest now.. and then write down what OTHERS like about you, again , be honest... Why do you like these things? Why do they like them?
You can then go to the other side and write what you do not like. I know if you are honest with yourself you will find MORE that you do like then you don't... Bonny, I really am praying for you.. I hope that I have not offened you... I just want to help you... love billiemae

Bonny said...

You haven't offended me in any way. I appreciate the prayers and can feel the love. Thank you so very much.

billiemae said...

Hi Bonny , It has been a few days since I last heard from you... I know you are busy.what with school and home and three young men to take care of and two jobs... I was just wondering how you were doing? I think of you often and I am praying for you ... hang it there girl..... take care love billiemae

Azaera said...

That sucks, I know that feeling though, the absent father. The kid wishes so bad that they would pay attention to them and become a real dad, and care about them. They forget about the person who already shows them everyday how much they care about them. I wish it wasn't like that..