I have got to do something. I feel so depressed.
The Psych just keeps changing my meds which is sending me in emotional circles. I feel like I am spiraling out of control sometimes. She just changes another medication or adds another or takes one off. This crazy cocktail. I don't even know if it's working, but she reassures me I should continue with the meds. Most of the time, I wonder.
Buck. Buck. Buck......
I am still letting him see Luke but it is killing me. It kills me that he's calling everyday to talk to Luke. I don't talk to Buck when he calls, but just knowing that he's on the phone...
These are all things that he said "Oh, I don't have time for this" He has picked Luke up for some weekends, and I'm happy that Luke has him, but knowing that he lied and cheated on me and my son thinks that he's just great, it makes me mad. Suddenly, he has time now to be with Luke that he never had before or wanted to have for before, and really I think that he does it more for his own benefit than for Luke. It's so he's not completely alone all the time, and Luke worships him. It makes me sad. It makes me cry. It makes me angry.
I can't move on. I can't go back. I don't see the future.
I have prayed and prayed about this and I just don't hear any answers.
Realistically, I know that Buck and I could never be together again. I could never trust him again. I know this. But, my heart, well it just does not listen.
OK, enough of my pity party. I have some chores to do before I go to bed.