I suck as a blogger. LOL

I guess I will never be a regular blogger, but that's OK. 
I was reading some of my journals last week going back 15 years, I'm proud to say that I have came so far. I honestly don't know how my children and I made it through all that we have been through. But we have came out the other side, stronger and closer together, and for that I am eternally thankful.
Dustin graduated High School in June. I look at him and my heart could just burst, I am so happy and proud of the wonderful young man that he has become. 
Myles will be starting school this year as a Junior, and my baby, Luke will be starting middle school as a 6th grader. This is the first year that I will not have a child in elementary school. It's a happy and sad time for me as a mother. I look forward to watching them grow into fine young men. 
I can report that I am happy and content in my relationship with Buck. In April we will celebrate 12 years together. We have been through so much together and I look forward to spending many more happy years with him. I believe I have found the one my soul has always longed for. We will be working toward moving south when my children all graduate and he retires. 
Until next time...whenever that will be! 

Where have I been?

     It's been such a long time since I have came to this place. So much has happened. I am happier. I feel like a stronger person. My children are growing up so fast. Dustin has graduated. I can't believe my baby has graduated. The school does not have mid-term graduation so he will walk with his class in June for Graduation, but he has met all the requirements for his diploma and no longer needs to attend class. He is looking for a full time job. He has a girlfriend who has helped him in so many ways. I have literally saw him grow up before my eyes. He is a responsible young man with a good head on his shoulders. I'm so proud of him. Dustin comes to me to talk about important things he is going through, this is something I could never before imagined happening. He has matured and I have also learned different ways to communicate with him. He hated me and everything for so long that this is such an answered prayer for me. CI only dreamed of having this kind of a relationship with him. 
     Myles is a Sophomore this year.  Again, where has the time gone? He turns sixteen in a couple days. My baby Myles is going to be sixteen. He is doing better in school but it is still a struggle to make him get up in the morning and go to school. He tests the limits I have set for him every chance he gets. I have to be all over him about his grades, and he is doing well. He is still getting used to having rules and guidance that he did not get living with his father. 
     Luke is in 5th grade this year. Wow. He turned 11 in October. My Lukey Bear is growing up so very fast. I sometimes wish I could stop time to slow down this growing up thing. His ADHD poses issues with homework and attitude that sometimes is overwhelming and I have a hard time dealing with it sometimes. It is a learning process for everyone. I wonder what he thinks sometimes. I wonder if my frustrations with him will forever change him? I am not the most patient person and sometimes it feels like I am exasperated a lot with him. I don't mean to be, I try to remember that he is just 11, and that the ADHD is difficult for him too, I try to also remember that he is my baby and that it won't always be this way. I try to hang on to this time I have with him because very soon his friends are going to become more important than Mom and Dad. He's not going to want to spend the weekends with his parents, he's going to want to be with his friends. It's a natural part of him growing up. I worry constantly that his ADHD will contribute to poor impulse choices. I worry that I am doing everything wrong. Don't all parents worry they are doing it all wrong?
     I am in such a great place with Buck. We love each other more than either of us could have realized. When I think of my future, I can not see the future without him in it. I worry about him so much. He's getting older and works so hard. He hasn't had a real check up with the doctor, EVER. He goes for the yearly DOT physical, but that does not include blood work, a prostate exam, things that a man of 54 should be having checked out. I worry that something will happen to him. I love him so much, I can't imagine my life without him in it. He is my one and only. Like we were meant for each other. I know it sounds corny, but that is what is in my heart. 
     Sorry I'm such a terrible blogger. It has been almost a year since my last post. I always say I'll try to be better about it, but then I always feel that there is nothing exciting in my life that anyone would want to read about. Maybe I need a blog project, a challenge, something. I'll think about it and maybe in the New Year I can start something.  Right now, I have too many projects started at home that I need to finish first. I am crocheting a bunch of granny squares for an afghan, when I go to Mamaw's in March she is going to show me how to sew them all together. I am sewing cloth pads for my stash and hopefully setting up an Etsy store to sell some if I get good at it. And then there is all the Christmas baking, decorating, cooking and then all the clean up from that. 
     So my blog project will have to wait a little bit. 
     I hope everyone is doing well and that Christmas is a happy time filled with family and love.

Many Blessings

     I have so many blessings to be thankful for I simply can not list them all.
At last...I have all three of my boys under the same roof full time. It is wonderful and chaotic, but it makes my heart full even with the struggles and adjustments. My heart and home are full. I could not ask for more.
     Merriest Christmas to all my dear friends and family near and far. My most sincere wish for you all is peace in your hearts and happiness in the New Year to come.

I have a new obsession

many faces of my coffee cup.

I am addicted to coffee. I never thought I would be one of those people but here I am. My Dad got a Keurig in November and I never touched it until recently when I was too lazy to drive to Dunkin Donuts for my coffee (the only place I would previously buy coffee.)  

First thing in the morning I fill my huge coffee mug from the Keurig. It's amazing stuff. I have my organic sugar and raw cream. By far the best coffee I have ever had in my life. I'm thinking why have I never tried this before? Now I am concerned about how much waste there is with the k cups so I have ordered a reusable filter and you're supposed to be able to put your favorite coffee in there and still have the most amazing cup of coffee. We shall see. I'm also thinking someone needs to buy me a Kuerig when I move out of Mom and Dad's and won't be able to use Dad's every day. I can not rave about it enough. The perfect cup of coffee. Every single cup. :) It's a good way to start the day. 

And my heart breaks

If I was a teenager, I would want to be with the parent that lets me do whatever I want. I would want to be with the parent that lets me stay up all night, not do my homework, not be after me about my grades, not care where I am or who I am with, not care what I'm doing, I have no supervision or guidance. I can do whatever I want. There are no chores.

If my other parent was totally the opposite, well of course I would want to be where I have more freedom and no one watching over my back all the time. I get it. I really do.

...But as that other parent, it is so hard to accept that my child only wants me when he can get something out of it. My sweet child only uses me for his benefit and then I'm kicked to the curb like yesterdays trash. It hurts. It breaks my heart. And yet I keep trying to do what is best for him although he hates me for it. That is my job...right? To keep trying and trying until there is nothing left of me, because it is what is best for him although no one seems to care except me. I don't know how much more my heart can take. I miss my sweet boy. I want him back.

Why do I love you?

My life feels like a country song these days. There's a song out there I can not think of the name...about wanting someone when you just can not seem to make it work out. Loving them or wanting them even though you know you shouldn't. That is where I am at these days. There is someone that I love more than I have ever loved anyone, but we just can't seem to make things work out. We love each other, but we hate each other. We value each other's opinion, but we don't want to say one is right and one is wrong, even though we do not agree on most subjects. We continue to support each other and look out for each other but living together is out of the question. I trust him with my child but I would never trust him with my heart again. He hurt me so bad in the past I didn't think I would ever get over it. I have. But I still remember. We both have said awful things to each other in anger, and then are quick to apologize. It's confusing. And yet we are attracted to each other again and again. He's actually the only person that I think I have ever really loved, maybe the only person I will ever really love. I don't know.
Or another song runs through my mind...I hate everything about you...you hate everything about me...why do I love you?
Some things I just can not seem to figure out.
Maybe it's just better to not to try to figure it out.

While I wasn't looking

I must admit...I really miss my children being younger. The teenagers are growing up so fast. Next year my oldest baby will be 18. He's talking of joining the military, which makes me so proud and yet scared to death. Also next year I will have two kids in high school and my baby will be in fourth grade! How did that happen? I look at them all and still see my little babies, no matter how big they get. It's wonderful and sad at the same time. They don't need me as much, which gives me more time for things that I've always said I wanted to do, but now I just want them to spend time with me, but they have friends and plans that they don't want to have family movie night anymore. It's been on my mind a lot lately, what am I going to do when they all grow up?
Eventually, it's just going to be me and the animals.
Maybe I will actually end up being the crazy cat lady...

Now we wait...I hate waiting

So we went to court yesterday. The judge will have a meeting with Myles next week and then make her ruling about the custody arrangement. I am so nervous about it. I have been going crazy with all of it. I just want what is best for all my boys. It's sad that their father is so uninvolved in their lives but still wants the control. It is a matter of control, not just over the kids but over me as well. I hate that he does not put their best interests first. It makes me angry. And now I just wait to see what is going to happen. I'm hopeful, but really, I have no faith in the legal system. If it were as it should be, we would have never got joint custody to begin with due to his violent nature and domestic violence. Please keep us in your prayers during this time.

To be determined...

I've had so much on my mind lately, I really haven't felt myself. My medication has been changed several time trying to get things in balance, but I'm struggling with it. I have had constant fear and panic since the boys were in their accident. I'm so overwhelmingly paranoid that something is going to happen to them when they are not with me. I am constantly worrying about them even more so than before the accident and I'm driving myself crazy with it.
This week I have a court hearing with their father because I filed for full custody, rather than the joint custody that we have currently and I'm so worried about it, it is making me a basket of nerves. I'm hoping and praying that things go well in court, and that I will get the full custody but he has an attorney and I do not and you just never know how those things will go. I really hope with all the evidence and testimony that I have that the judge will finally see how things really are, but I'm going to be going crazy about it until Tuesday. Please say a prayer for me that things will be okay. Right now, I'm just trying to stay calm and totally failing at it.
Dustin celebrated his 17th birthday yesterday, I can not even believe that he's that old. I look at him and still see my little baby. I don't know why they grow up so fast. I'm so proud and lucky to be his Mom.
Until next time...

2013

Welcome 2013.

I'm sure hoping you will bring better things than 2012. I'm hopefully optimistic about it.

My children are all going to be going to the same schools. My children are all under one roof. My children are all healthy and safe. I'm looking for a different place to live, because my kids don't want to go to Kentucky. So I will have to find a place closer to here that will work until I can get to Kentucky sometime in my life. Right now though it just isn't the right time.

I have lots of goals for myself for this year. I want to try to be a more patient person. I want to be on time, I'm always late and it is stressful. I want to be more timely. I want to show my children that they can have disagreements and no swear and get angry. I will be working on this as well. I want to stop swearing. I don't think I swear a lot but even when I do, I just feel it is not necessary to get your point across, and I want them to watch what they are saying. We are going to implement a swear jar.

I'm going to watch what I eat and continue to make healthy choices for me and my family. I want to really focus on the important things in life, because I have been shown that just so quickly things can change. I want my kids to always know that I love them with my whole heart from my actions, words, and reactions.

I think this is a great way to start the year. Many blessings to you as we start this brand New Year.

Humbug!

     I am just not feeling the Christmas cheer this year. I don't feel like baking, I don't feel like decorating, I don't feel like being cheery. Don't get me wrong I have so many things to be thankful for, but just not feeling the Christmas cheer that normally overcomes me this time of year. I want to feel the Christmas spirit where I feel a little nicer than usual, I feel kinder than usual, I feel happier than usual. This year...I got nothing so far. I'm hoping I will find it before Christmas, I really hope I do. And I do have so many blessings to be thankful for. Even though things are not exactly how I'd like them to be they are better than they could have been.
     Myles will have the wires removed from his mouth just in time for Christmas, so he will be very happy to be enjoying Christmas dinner. I'm thankful for that, although secretly I think he has got used to me waiting on him hand and foot. And I gladly do it, because when I think that I could have lost him and Dustin, it is just too much to bear. I thank God every day for looking out for them and that they are ok. I don't think the boys realize how blessed they are. It really has added perspective for me though in a way that I thought I had already, especially since Myles had had cancer when he was 7, but this has added new meaning for me.

     Until next time...

don't ever scare me like that again!

     On October 27, 2012, Dustin and Myles were in a horrible ATV accident. Dustin was driving 60mph through a corn field with Myles on the back, they crashed right into a ditch. Myles was catapulted off the back and landed right on his face. He had seizure activity and was air lifted from the scene. Dustin was transported by ambulance to a local hospital and then transported to the same trauma hospital that Myles was air lifted to.
     So 2 of my 3 children were in this awful accident. Myles broke his jaw on both sides, his orbital floor on both sides, and his left cheek bone. He had surgery on October 29, to wire his jaw shut to allow it to heal. Even though he broke his face, he had no head trauma!, and no internal injuries. Dustin had internal bruising of his liver, pancreas, kidney and lung. They had angels watching over them I am convinced.
     I plan to put them in bubbles now, because I seriously might die if they scare me like that again! I am so very thankful that they are gonna be OK. Myles has the inconvenience of eating his food through a straw for 6 weeks, but he's gonna be just fine. No scars, no lost teeth, no head injury, no visible damage. God is so good. We are so blessed.
    

I did it!

I put a deposit down on a cute little farm house in Booneville, KY! I will be moving there in a couple of months! I'm so excited to have a fresh start somewhere else. I can have chickens and goats. My pets are allowed. I can't wait to get there. I have reservations because I will be leaving behind my two older boys since neither of them want to move there with me. Dustin will be 18 in a little over a year and Myles has been spending most of his time with his father. So that just leaves me and Luke. I also feel bad about moving Luke away from his Dad, because his Dad is an active part of his life and he will miss him terrible. But there is Skype and he can talk to him everyday still.

In other news, my newest nephew was born yesterday. 7 weeks early. He is oxygen and a feeding tube, but otherwise doing well for being a little guy. 5 pounds 1 ounce, 18.5 inches. Cute as he can be. We are all in baby love.

Dustin Drives!

Dustin driving

     I am now the mother of a teenage driver! Oh my. My life will never be the same! :) He's a good driver but of course I worry about him. I have to trust that he is going to obey traffic laws and be a responsible driver. And I pray every time that he leaves the house that he comes home safely. I haven't yet asked him to run errands for me. I suppose that may be a perk.
    

First day of third grade

     School started here last week. Dustin being a sophomore this year, Myles in 8th grade, and Luke in 3rd grade. Before I know it, they will be all grown up.
   
     I am still planning to move to Kentucky within the next few months. I have already found a house to rent with enough room where I can have chicken and some goats. I am really looking forward to it. I want to plant a garden and can my own food. I'm going to learn to make cheese. It will be great! The house I found is about an hour or so from my Mamaw, so that is great. I will be close to her and my other family there. Luke seems pretty excited about moving there and wants his own dog. He will miss his Dad, but they can Skype and we will visit up there as well since my older two boys will not be making the move with me. Myles will be staying with his father and visiting me on summer vacations, and Dustin is planning on staying with my sister so that he can continue going to the same High School. I understand, but it will be difficult being away from my older boys. But I really feel that if I do not make the move at this time, I may never have the chance to again. So I'm taking a huge leap of faith with this.
    
     Sorry I'm such a terrible blogger and I don't update more often. I always want to and then I can not think of anything good to write about. Maybe I will try to write down ideas as they come about.

     Hope everyone is doing well, until next time.

    

Making Changes

Changes are hard. There is just something about stepping outside your comfort zone and changing the way you do things. I have never been one to really embrace change and it has not been my friend in the past. But lately I have been thinking more and more about change and I am learning to embrace it. I want change. I'm hoping that it leads to a happier, healthier, and more fulfilling life for me and my children.

I anticipate moving to Kentucky by the end of the year. Honestly...I can not get there fast enough. I am excited to start fresh someplace new. I want to have chickens, a garden, goats, and cats! Now finding the right place where I can have all these things, well that's gonna be a chore. I'm hoping that God just leads me in the right direction. I want to can my own jam and veggies.

I want to live simpler and happier. I want to be more self sustaining, less dependant on market. I have made small adjustments in some things that I'm doing. I realize that this is a slow process, but I'm working on it. And I'm enjoying the changes that I am making to live a more simple, frugal life. I have started making my own laundry soap, which by the way is dirt cheap compared to the name brand stuff I was buying, and this stuff works every bit as good. I was so stuck on the name brand, but after I got over that, I really do prefer the homemade stuff. I am using homemade goats milk bar soap instead of commercial body wash (with all the chemicals), I have been using a homemade shampoo bar followed by an apple cider vinegar rinse for my hair. And surprisingly, I like it. Without all the chemicals.

I have been buying organic produce and fresh farm meats. Also, I have been buying fresh farm milk, cheese, butter and eggs. I can not tell you the difference in taste and I feel better using it. I didn't even think that I liked milk until I started buying this milk. It is delicious. It keeps longer than store bought, it tastes better, and I know where it comes from. It may not be lifestyle choices for everyone, but I am liking the choices I am making for my family and myself.

Are there things that you do to feel you are making a difference??
Tell me. I want to learn more.

Reflecting

I have been thinking a lot lately about my Mamaw. If things go as planned, I hope to move closer to her. I think of how she is getting older and about a time when she may no longer be with us. I try not to think about that too often, because...well that thought makes me have panic attacks. I dread the day that my Mamaw is not a phone call away. I want to be closer to her. I want to be the one to care for her when that time comes, no matter how difficult she can be. I want to be near her and soak up all the knowledge that she has to offer me. I want my children to know and love her like I do. It has just been on my mind so much lately. I can't get there fast enough.

Good news

I got my hearing date for SSI in the mail today. I am excited and nervous about it. I'm praying that this will finally be approved and I can get on with the next chapter in my life. Please pray for me and my family. If this goes through, we will be moving and there will be lots of changes happening for us all.

Happy Mother's Day to you all.

I'm so blessed with my three boys. I have been given the gift of being their mother. Not just any mother, but Dustin's mother, Myles's mother and Luke's mother. I have given life three times to three individual and special souls. I forget sometimes how blessed I am to be a mother so this year I'm relishing in the fact that I am their mother. Our days may not be perfect but they sure are worth it. And I am grateful for my own mother and the other mothers in my life. My sisters, my friends, Aunts both living and in Heaven, and my Mamaw. I guess I need to be reminded sometimes how blessed I am to be given such a gift. So I am thankful today.
Happy Mother's Day to all of you Moms out there.

Recipes

I have found so many new recipes to try on Pintrest! I think I've gained weight just looking at them. There are a few I'm for sure going to try. But oh my gosh the time I have wasted on that site!! It's crazy. What about you any great recipes you have found poking around the internet??

16 candles on his ice cream

My boy turned 16 today! I can hardly believe that. It seems like just yesterday he was born. The time goes by so fast. It truly does. I never believed that saying until I had my own children. But, it's a fact of life...they grow up. He is anxiously awaiting the coveted drivers license and tinkering with his truck so much that I will be surprised if the thing even runs by August when he will be getting his license. He hasn't figured out the saying if it ain't broke don't fix it! I usually bake a cake for my kids on their actual birth day, but since Dustin doesn't like cake, I asked him if he wanted me to make him brownies or go to Dairy Queen. He chose DQ, so we went there after school, got ice cream and hot dogs. We ate the ice cream before supper. I will have a birthday party for him next weekend.
Happy Birthday Dustin, you'll always be my first baby no matter how old you get.