Tuesday, January 5, 2010

I have been trying to be civil with Buck for Luke's sake. I have let Luke go there and spend time with Buck even though I can't stand the thought that my son will think that he is such a role model, when I know what a complete ass he is. I keep trying to stop thinking that I am so angry. But I really am so angry. And I really keep thinking that he has no right to be a part of my son's life. He does not deserve the privilege to be in Luke's life. And yet my son loves him so much. So what is the right thing to do? I am searching for answers. I have prayed about it, I have cried about it, I have screamed and fought about it. And still...I don't know.
I really feel that we should be breaking all ties with Buck and move on. But then, I am taking the only father my son has ever had away from him. Would it be because of my anger or because it is what is best for Luke? I just don't know. But I know that I can not keep going on this roller coaster. Mentally, it is killing me. It is making me crazy.
I do not believe in the road to happiness anymore. It is lost somewhere beyond my reach.


Susan at Charm of the Carolines said...

Everything in divine order, my dear. Feeling your pain and sending warm hugs to you today.


Bonny said...

Thank you Susan.

Diana said...

Hi Bonny,
I just happened upon your blog, which is very interesting by the way,
and I just wanted to say that there is life after a lousy first marriage.
I met my second husband during the worse time of my life with two young children. They are grown now, but life is good,you'll see!
Love Di

Bonny said...

Thanks Diana. I didn't think that too many people read my blog. I was just talking to the internet. :) I just get so depressed and it is hard to come out of it. I'm so glad to hear that things worked out for you well.