A little background first: just over two years ago, my middle son, M had an upper GI for a stomach ache and they accidentially found a tumor the size of a tennis ball in his lung. He had surgery and they removed the bottom lobe of his lung. The pathology results came back that it was a very rare form of cancer, myoepithelial carcinoma of the lung. Well for kids this is very rare and he was only 7 years old at the time. He's fine, he had the surgery, he did not need chemo or radiation, just the surgery took care of things, thank God! Well, he still has some abnormal lymph nodes and they are watching them by x-rays and CT scans every 6 months.
Ok, so on to what I wanted to say. When I took M for his check up this last time, we got there early in the morning and he got the x-ray and ct scan and then we went upstairs for our appointment with the doctor. Well, we were kinda really early, so we had to wait for the doctors to even get there. No problem, we played a game and he played the Playstation there and I read some of my homework that I needed to get done anyway. Well, as we are sitting there, other kids start to get there for their appointments, and we are waiting. So, this family comes in with their little boy and he had to have been about the same age as M. And this boy was so sick, he was so skinny, and he just laid on the couch on his mom's lap while they were waiting. I kept looking at them, and it was so sad and I felt so bad for them, and the only thing that I could think was thank God that's not my kid. Thank you God, that is not M. I felt terrible for thinking that and I am still feeling bad about thinking that, because that could have easily been my kid. The tumor that M had was cancer, they are still watching him for cancer, but he's ok. Thank God he's ok. I did not talk to these people, but I felt so bad, for the fact that their boy was obviously very sick and also for the fact that I thought to myself thank God that's not my kid. It was humbling. I mean I know that could have been my kid, but we were blessed that he's fine. I left there with a better appreciation for my kids, even though they make me crazy and get on my nerves, that could have been my kid. And I'm so grateful that it's not. When we left there, I took some extra time alone with M before I had to pick up my 4 year old from daycare. We had a good time and spent some time just the two of us, which rarely happens. Does it make me a bad person because I was glad that was not my kid? I feel bad that was what I thought.
Should I have spoke to them? I really don't know why I didn't, but I almost started crying in the waiting room looking at them, and may have started crying if I did talk to them. And I have not actually spoke those words out loud, because I feel terrible for having that thought. I just don't know, maybe it was some sort of sign for me to calm down and enjoy my kids more. I mean I have been in that waiting room and have seen sick kids there before and never thought like that before. I just had to get it off my chest, without actually saying it out loud.
**I made a post about this at the Moms group that I subscribe to in June when we had the appointment. I just thought that I should add that here to this post.**