Purging my thoughts

Luke was on Spring break last week from school. I kept him home from daycare a couple days and let him go to work with me to spend some Mommy time with him. The older boys are going to be on Spring break this week. I have been trying to be more positive with my thoughts. I rescheduled my appointment with Dr. Shrink twice already. I need to get in there. I also need to get my blood pressure rechecked since I have not been there in about 8 months, they just keep refilling my medication. Oh, and the iron level has never been rechecked either. These are going to be goals I have this week to get myself in both places. I found a place that will spay/neuter the dog for more than $200 cheaper than my vet. It is through the Humane Society. I have to drive a little farther to take her there, but it's worth saving the $200. My Mom found out last week that as of March 31st she is not going to have a job and is freaking out about it a little, which is completely understandable.
My Ma Maw will be up here next month for a recheck of her foot and an appointment at the Cardiologist she saw up here. He had said before her surgery that she had a small blockage, so we will see what happens with that. Even though she aggervates sometimes, I miss her and look forward to her coming. She will spend most of the time between my sister and my house.

Sisters

This was posted by a fellow blogger who always lifts me up. And it says so much.

http://astrollthrumythoughts.blogspot.com/2010/03/thank-you-for-sisters.html

Blah

I haven't had much to say lately. Burying my Aunt was hard on our family. I call her daughter, my cousin, and get voicemail that is her voice. Twice I have called back just to hear it again. Much other than that, things have been quiet or rather, the same here. I have been checking blogs, just have not had much to say. I'm falling in a funk, and I need to find a way out. I intend to do some spring cleaning this weekend, since it is supposed to get colder again.
Until next time...

My Aunt Edith passed away today.
One day and 4 months after her husband.
49 years old.

I can't believe she is gone......

Welcome to the world Brynn McKenzie

I'm an Aunt again!!

Brynn McKenzie

February 23, 2010

12:33pm

7 pounds 8 ounces

19 inches

Congratulations Phil and Kellie. She is beautiful and I love her.

I'm so glad I got a dog

I have got to do something. I feel so depressed.
The Psych just keeps changing my meds which is sending me in emotional circles. I feel like I am spiraling out of control sometimes. She just changes another medication or adds another or takes one off. This crazy cocktail. I don't even know if it's working, but she reassures me I should continue with the meds. Most of the time, I wonder.
Buck. Buck. Buck......
I am still letting him see Luke but it is killing me. It kills me that he's calling everyday to talk to Luke. I don't talk to Buck when he calls, but just knowing that he's on the phone...
These are all things that he said "Oh, I don't have time for this" He has picked Luke up for some weekends, and I'm happy that Luke has him, but knowing that he lied and cheated on me and my son thinks that he's just great, it makes me mad. Suddenly, he has time now to be with Luke that he never had before or wanted to have for before, and really I think that he does it more for his own benefit than for Luke. It's so he's not completely alone all the time, and Luke worships him. It makes me sad. It makes me cry. It makes me angry.
I can't move on. I can't go back. I don't see the future.
I have prayed and prayed about this and I just don't hear any answers.
Realistically, I know that Buck and I could never be together again. I could never trust him again. I know this. But, my heart, well it just does not listen.
OK, enough of my pity party. I have some chores to do before I go to bed.

Two posts in one, cause I'm lazy today

I have decided against being a surrogate. As much as I would love to help a couple, I just don't think emotionally that I could do it. I couldn't just hand over a baby or two that I had carried the whole time, even if they were not mine biologically. And after talking with the psych yesterday, she really did not think it was a good idea for me at this time either. I feel guilty in a way that I have let them down, but I would hate myself emotionally if I went through a whole pregnancy and had to hand over the baby. I truly wish them well and hope that they find someone that can make them parents, I just don't think that person is me. Still, I am sad.

And, on another depressing note, my Aunt Edith who just lost her husband in November is in the hospital on life support for the last week. Yesterday they tried taking her off and within 10 minutes she was blue. I think I have said my last words to her and it makes me very sad. She took care of me and my sister a lot when my Mom was working when I was younger and I'm not going to have a proper goodbye with her. She was so depressed after her husband died that she just laid in the bed. She has her own health issues and I think that just made them worse. I don't think she is going to come out of this and I hate that I can not be there. It is very upsetting to me and being how I am, this makes me think about my Ma Maw, how will she handle losing a child? Will something happen to her after that? I truly could not handle that. My Ma Maw, even if I have complained about her, I emotionally am not prepared for something to happen to her and I don't think I ever will be. I guess I need to go do something and get my mind off this before I drive myself crazy. I'm sad, very sad.