Prayers

Lord, please just watch over my family. We need you so much now and always. There is so much going on. I find myself barely hanging on. I'm trying to focus on my faith, but it is so hard right now to keep my focus on you. Help me, help myself and my family. Keep my boys safe and in your ever loving care. Please help me to help my children and make the right decisions for them. I need your help.

There is just only so much I can take! Does that make you a big man doing that to your children? Feeling better? You Jackass! I hope and pray that something good comes out of this. God please look over my family.

I Can Only Imagine (with lyrics) - MercyMe

Billy Currington - Let Me Down Easy

I'm broken...

Why can't I just walk completely away?

Why do I continue to allow my self to hurt over him?

I will never be the same.

I will never trust the same again.

Why do I still love him? I shouldn't, but I do.

I feel completely foolish and defeated.

For My Aunt Edith, I miss you terrible

Random Thoughts

I am still so depressed about my Aunt's death and really, there is no one I can talk to about it. EVERYONE lost her, why should my pain be any different than theirs. My Mom lost her sister, my Ma Maw lost her daughter, my cousin lost her Mother, my sisters also lost their Aunt. So who is there left to talk to about it. I miss her so very much. I have so many regrets. I wish I had went down there when I knew that she was sick co that I could have seen her one more time. I wish I had just went down there! I don't know that I will never not regret that. I loved her and I miss her. I know that we all have lost people close to us. It hurts, I'm told it gets better, and there is a song I have been listening to, but honestly, I don't know if it makes me feel better or worse. I posted the song.

Dustin got community service for his curfew violation. 20 hours. I was actually happy that he got the community service and not just the fine, I think it will teach him more.

Myles I feel is needing more "Mom" attention and I just do not know how to separate my time between the kids, because I know that Dustin needs that attention too, I just have to go about it in a different way, you know, cause Mom is just not cool! I love them so much and I just want them to know how very much I love them and that they mean the world to me. Sometimes, I think my depression keeps me from doing as much as I would like to do with them. I'm trying.

I started my new medication and all I can tell is that I have a hard time falling asleep and then have a hard time waking up in the morning. I miss the old me. The manic me, the could just stay up and go, go, go. But the crashes, oh, the crashes, and the emotions. I don't know what is worse. the manic and crashes, or the medication.

My Luke turns 7 on October 25th. I can't believe he's already going to be that old, but then I say that about all my kids, Dustin will soon be 15 and Myles will be 12 in December. God, where has the time went? They were all just babies coming home from the hospital. I know all mothers have this feeling.

Well, until next time......

My PaPaw

Missing my PaPaw today. It is his birthday. He has been in Heaven for 22 years now. It still feels like an open wound that will never heal. Heavenly Birthday wishes PaPaw, I know you are watching over me. I miss and love you dearly. Not a day goes by that I don't wish you were still here.

They grow up so fast

My baby who will be 7 years old next month, just fell asleep in my arms. My heart is melting. :)

Update

I'm still here. Still lots to update. Still feeling like crap. Still no prior authorization on my meds. We did go to Boonville this past weekend to visit my Aunt and Uncle and retrieve my beloved stolen camera! They erased all the photos I had taken at my other Aunt and Uncle's 25th party, but left photos of themselves when they pawned it! My Uncle is taking the CD with the photos to the PD down there for me. My allergies have been horrible (that time of year I suppose).
I got into it with my cousin over some stupid comment her new boyfriend made on Facebook. The bad part is that it is her Mom that just died in March and I miss talking to her. We cried together quite a bit while I was in KY and now she is angry with me over this guy. I spoke my mind like I always do and she did not like it. Such is life. Will try to update some more, although I have been a horrible blogger lately.

Does it ever end?

I have so much to write about and absolutely no energy to get it all out! I have been a mess. I went to the Dr. she changed my meds, but of course, it has to have prior authorization, which could take up to a week. I have issues with my kids, I am so done with Buck! I've wasted 7 years on him, WHY? I feel so tired all the time and can't seem to make myself do anything. I just can not seem to get out of this funk and I don't know what to do. Will try to update more soon. Oh, and I am now over 200lbs! Just great! I have NEVER been that heavy in my life, even after 3 kids.

Going to MaMaw's

I'm leaving tomorrow to go visit my MaMaw. It will be the first time I have been back since my Aunt died in March. I am happy to be going "home" but know there are going to be many emotions when I go up to that graveyard. I've been listening to the song "The house that built me" by Miranda Lambert and it just feels like me right now. I've been feeling lost and looking for my way to whatever it is I am supposed to be doing with my life. There has to be more than this. So maybe some soul searching at MaMaw's is what is in order. I hope so anyway. I always hate to leave there so that will be teary. I'll get back right before the kids have to go to school. Good timing. I'll still be checking in and maybe update from the road(if we can get any signal.)

I'm still here. I have lots to update, but no energy to do it. I'm depressed. I have an appointment later this month with Dr. Shrink, hopefully she will be able to help me, cause this combo is not working for me anymore. I will try to update some more in the next few days. Hope everyone is doing well.

Heavenly Birthdays

Happy Birthday Aunt Eddie, your first in Heaven. How I wish you were here. You would have been 50 today. I still can't believe that you are gone. There is a hole in our family. We all miss you so very much. I hope that you were dancing with the angels, Pa paw and Uncle Dave. When we all meet again, what a day of rejoicing that will be.

I'm alive

I have so much to update. And photos to post. Things are pretty much the same here, as usual. I didm't want anyone to think that I have fallen off the face of the earth or anything. Hopefully tomorrow, I can update and post some photos.

Hi

I'm still here, just in a funk. Well...still in the same funk to tell the truth. The next couple weeks I have many obligations to fill since I am hopelessly unable to say no to anyone. I have taken on another "part-time" job caring for a lady with Lyme Disease. So sad how it has robbed her of her ability to live life as she was used to. But I will try to get a better update on here this weekend. I have a lot to say but have to get it out of my head.
Until next time.

Shout out to all Moms :)

Happy Mother's Day to all my favorite Moms out there! I hope you all have a wonderful day filled with love.

I have so much on my mind, I feel like my head could literally explode. I have little energy for anything. I know it is this depression. I can not get into see Dr. Shrink until the 26th. I know that I am needing a medication adjustment, I just don't know what. I really would like to start jogging, but, that leaves me with the problem of who is going to watch Luke while I do that? I need to do something. And bills....at this point, I do not have enough to pay my bills for this month. I have to call my landlord and tell him tomorrow. I am hoping that he will be a little understanding and work with me. If not, then, I don't know what I am going to do. It just really stinks that I am 35 and struggling with money all the time. I have a degree in accounting, but have yet to find that accounting position. I filled out an application last week that I had hopes about, but have not heard anything from them. I intend to call tomorrow to check up on the application.
I am helping y friend out this weekend at a "Going Green Expo" at the fair grounds. Then Sunday for Mother's Day, our family ALWAYS goes to my sister's house for a get together. We have done it for the last 11 years now. I have to bring cheesecakes. That is her only request of me every year. So, I oblige. And lately, I have been craving being with my family. I don't know if it is triggered by how many people I have lost in the last six months or just something going on with me. But it doesn't hurt to want to be with them.
In other news, the giant puppy has taken a liking to chewing up shoes. She gave up electrical cords after being jolted, but she is loving shoes. Two pairs of my work shoes, Two pairs of Ashlee's flip flops when she was up here, and recently, Myles' brand new Nike's. Needless to say, I am less than happy about it and have yet to find a way to deter her from this. (Hitting her with the shoe in anger the other day did not help.) So, if anyone has any ideas or advice, please, do tell. And she does have plenty of chew toys and rawhide bones and harder bones, she's spoiled rotten, and still she chews the shoes! Then, I look at her and remember how badly I needed her when I got her. Mentally, I was a mess. But, I would like her to give up the shoe fetish.
And, Diana, I will be thinking about you this Mother's Day. I know how badly you will be missing your Mom. Love to you. And Vickie, your words mean so much.
Happy Mother's Day.

Funky Town

I'm in a funk!
I can not seem to climb out of. I have been trying to force myself to be more positive. Do more things, but I don't want to. I am happy to sit in the house in my PJ's all day, every day. I don't want to deal with all the issues that Dustin is having right now. He is on a bad path and all the talking in the world is not getting through to him.
I thought I was feeling a little better after the party for my parents and being around the family was good for everyone. But now, with Mother's Day approaching, I am worried about my cousins Becky and Randy too, this will be the first without their Mom. I can't imagine how that is going to be for them. I am thankful that I have my mother and realize that I should make her more aware of how thankful I am that I still have her. There are many people that read this blog that have lost their Mom, my thoughts and prayers will be with you on that day as well.
I have so many other posts in my head. Hopefully tomorrow I will be able to get out another. There is so much on my chest, I feel like it is crushing me.

Courtesy of my friend Karen

*If you are 30, or older, you might think this is hilarious!* *

When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious
diatribes about how hard things were. When they were growing up; what with
walking twenty-five miles to school every morning....* *Uphill...... See More
Barefoot...* *BOTH ways¦ yadda, yadda, yadda* *

And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in
hell I was going to lay* *a bunch of crap like that on my kids about how
hard I had it* *and how easy they've got it!* *But now that I'm over the
ripe old age of thirty, I can't help but look around and notice the youth of
today. You've got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live
in a damn Utopia!* *
And I hate to say it, but you kids today, you don't know how good you've got
it!* *

I mean, when I was a kid we didn't have the Internet. If we wanted to know
something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the
card catalog!!* *

There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter - with a
pen!* *Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in
the mailbox, and it would take like a week to get there! Stamps were 10
cents!* *

Child Protective Services didn't care if our parents beat us. As a matter
of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to kick our ass!
Nowhere was safe! **

There were no MP3's or Napsters or iTunes! If you wanted to steal music,
you had to hitchhike to the record store and shoplift it yourself!* *

Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio, and the DJ would
usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up! There were no CD
players! We had tape decks in our car.. We'd play our favorite tape and
"eject" it when finished, and then the tape would come undone rendering it
useless. Cause, hey, that's how we rolled, Baby! Dig?* *

We didn't have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and
somebody else called, they got a busy signal, that's it! **

There weren't any freakin' cell phones either. If you left the house, you
just didn't make a damn call or receive one. You actually had to be out of
touch with your "friends". OH MY GOD !!! Think of the horror... not being
in touch with someone 24/7!!! And then there's TEXTING. Yeah, right.
Please! You kids have no idea how annoying you are. **

And we didn't have fancy Caller ID either! When the phone rang, you had no
idea who it was! It could be your school, your parents, your boss, your
bookie, your drug dealer, the collection agent... you just didn't know!!!
You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister! **

We didn't have any fancy PlayStation or Xbox video games with
high-resolution 3-D graphics! We** **had the Atari 2600! With games like
'Space Invaders' and 'Asteroids'. Your screen guy was a little square! You
actually had to use your imagination!!! And there were no multiple levels
or screens, it was just one screen... Forever! And you could never win.
The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until
you died! Just like LIFE! **

You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You
were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your ass
and walk over to the TV to change the channel!!! NO REMOTES!!! Oh, no,
what's the world coming to?!?!**

There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday
Morning. Do you hear what I'm saying? We had to wait **ALL WEEK** for
cartoons, you spoiled little rat-finks!**

And we didn't have microwaves. If we wanted to heat something up, we had to
use the stove! Imagine that! *

*And our parents told us to stay outside and play... all day long. Oh, no,
no electronics to soothe and comfort. And if you came back inside... you
were doing chores! *

*And car seats - oh, please! Mom threw you in the back seat and you hung
on. If you were lucky, you got the "safety arm" across the chest at the
last moment if she had to stop suddenly, and if your head hit the dashboard,
well that was your fault for calling "shot gun" in the first place! *

*See! That's exactly what I'm talking about! You kids today have got it
too easy. You're spoiled rotten! You guys wouldn't have lasted five minutes
back in 1980** **or any time before!**

Regards,
The Over 30 Crowd* *

This and that

I am feeling hopeful today. Hopeful about decisions I have made. Thankful for my family and friends that have always been there even when I was not a willing participant. Thankful for new friends and "sisters" to help me with my walk that God has planned for me. I guess for today at least I am feeling a little happy.

Strange, since I should be worried about bills. Always bills. Never ending bills. My house is a mess. My 14 year old has a girlfriend that I think is getting too friendly.

Mom & Dad renewing their vows

And since I never mentioned since it was a "surprise," we (my sisters, brother and I) had a surprise 25th anniversary party for my parents last weekend. It was so nice. My parents were somewhat surprised, you know our family can't keep a total secret, but they were surprised to see some people that they have not for a long time. My Mom's brothers and their families came from out of town. It was bittersweet since my Aunt was not there and toward the end of the evening, we too the balloon arch that my parent's renewed their vows under and released it in remembrance of those that were not with us that evening. It was bittersweet to say the least. We all felt her presence and her absence.

Sending Balloons to Heaven

But for today, I am hopeful.

"For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten son, that whosoever believes in Him shall have everlasting life. " John 3:16

What a strong message that we miss all too often.

91 year old WWII vetran....

How much more am I supposed to be able to take? I just got a call from the nursing home where the man I take care of is at. The hospice nurse seems to think that he is in the beginning stages of death. He is having some apnea, his pulse is elevated and his blood pressure is lower. His wife just died in October and I promised her that I would take care of him. I had been taking care of both of them until that point. I have lost so many people in the last few months. I just don't know how much more. I know God never gives you more than you can handle, but really?? There really is no other family and I have been taking care of them for four years now. I don't want to go through this again so soon. I know that you never know for sure when someone is going to die, but I am getting ready to go up there and sit with him. I don't want him to be alone.

More thoughts

My Mom went this week to pick my Ma Maw up from Kentucky. She has a couple doctor appointments up here and my nephews birthday party and some other things going on. So she will be up here back and forth between my house, my Mom's, and my sister's. Now, I know that I have complained about my Ma Maw in the past when we were in the middle of all the care after her surgery and she was crabby and getting homesick. I don't blame her, even I feel better at her house. It's home.
Anyway, with her being up here and my Mom being off work until she finds employment again, it had really got me thinking I want to be near them. I want to spend time with them. Crabby or not, she is here and I want to be near her. I want to be with her. My Mom, the same, crabby or not, I want to be with her. This is new to me. I have never had feelings this strongly about just being by my Mom.
I know that the past few months of this loss has made me more thankful for my family and for my Ma Maw and Mom. I still have them here with me. I can still pick up the phone and call. That is not true for everyone. Not true for my cousin who lost her mother.
So, I am thankful Lord, very thankful that I still have my Ma Maw and my Mom. Thank you.

Some days are harder than others

I keep going to my Aunt's Facebook page. I don't know what I am looking for there. She is not posting anything since she is no longer here. But yet I keep going to look as if there's going to be something new there. I see her face and all the photos she has posted that I took of her at one point or another. I remember her that way and not of the photos of her in the hospital that were sent so that the rest of the family could see her condition (I have deleted those from my phone). I miss her. I would call her a lot. Apparently more than I realized because I catch myself sometimes dialing her number to talk to her. My cousin is there but I can not possibly burden her with how much I am missing her mother. I talk a lot to my Ma Maw, but she lost her daughter. And so it just sits there in my heart and in my thoughts. Tomorrow will be one month since she passed away. I miss her.

I love you and miss you so very much. I know you are resting in peace with angels.

Purging my thoughts

Luke was on Spring break last week from school. I kept him home from daycare a couple days and let him go to work with me to spend some Mommy time with him. The older boys are going to be on Spring break this week. I have been trying to be more positive with my thoughts. I rescheduled my appointment with Dr. Shrink twice already. I need to get in there. I also need to get my blood pressure rechecked since I have not been there in about 8 months, they just keep refilling my medication. Oh, and the iron level has never been rechecked either. These are going to be goals I have this week to get myself in both places. I found a place that will spay/neuter the dog for more than $200 cheaper than my vet. It is through the Humane Society. I have to drive a little farther to take her there, but it's worth saving the $200. My Mom found out last week that as of March 31st she is not going to have a job and is freaking out about it a little, which is completely understandable.
My Ma Maw will be up here next month for a recheck of her foot and an appointment at the Cardiologist she saw up here. He had said before her surgery that she had a small blockage, so we will see what happens with that. Even though she aggervates sometimes, I miss her and look forward to her coming. She will spend most of the time between my sister and my house.

Sisters

This was posted by a fellow blogger who always lifts me up. And it says so much.

http://astrollthrumythoughts.blogspot.com/2010/03/thank-you-for-sisters.html

Blah

I haven't had much to say lately. Burying my Aunt was hard on our family. I call her daughter, my cousin, and get voicemail that is her voice. Twice I have called back just to hear it again. Much other than that, things have been quiet or rather, the same here. I have been checking blogs, just have not had much to say. I'm falling in a funk, and I need to find a way out. I intend to do some spring cleaning this weekend, since it is supposed to get colder again.
Until next time...

My Aunt Edith passed away today.
One day and 4 months after her husband.
49 years old.

I can't believe she is gone......

Welcome to the world Brynn McKenzie

I'm an Aunt again!!

Brynn McKenzie

February 23, 2010

12:33pm

7 pounds 8 ounces

19 inches

Congratulations Phil and Kellie. She is beautiful and I love her.

I'm so glad I got a dog

I have got to do something. I feel so depressed.
The Psych just keeps changing my meds which is sending me in emotional circles. I feel like I am spiraling out of control sometimes. She just changes another medication or adds another or takes one off. This crazy cocktail. I don't even know if it's working, but she reassures me I should continue with the meds. Most of the time, I wonder.
Buck. Buck. Buck......
I am still letting him see Luke but it is killing me. It kills me that he's calling everyday to talk to Luke. I don't talk to Buck when he calls, but just knowing that he's on the phone...
These are all things that he said "Oh, I don't have time for this" He has picked Luke up for some weekends, and I'm happy that Luke has him, but knowing that he lied and cheated on me and my son thinks that he's just great, it makes me mad. Suddenly, he has time now to be with Luke that he never had before or wanted to have for before, and really I think that he does it more for his own benefit than for Luke. It's so he's not completely alone all the time, and Luke worships him. It makes me sad. It makes me cry. It makes me angry.
I can't move on. I can't go back. I don't see the future.
I have prayed and prayed about this and I just don't hear any answers.
Realistically, I know that Buck and I could never be together again. I could never trust him again. I know this. But, my heart, well it just does not listen.
OK, enough of my pity party. I have some chores to do before I go to bed.

Two posts in one, cause I'm lazy today

I have decided against being a surrogate. As much as I would love to help a couple, I just don't think emotionally that I could do it. I couldn't just hand over a baby or two that I had carried the whole time, even if they were not mine biologically. And after talking with the psych yesterday, she really did not think it was a good idea for me at this time either. I feel guilty in a way that I have let them down, but I would hate myself emotionally if I went through a whole pregnancy and had to hand over the baby. I truly wish them well and hope that they find someone that can make them parents, I just don't think that person is me. Still, I am sad.

And, on another depressing note, my Aunt Edith who just lost her husband in November is in the hospital on life support for the last week. Yesterday they tried taking her off and within 10 minutes she was blue. I think I have said my last words to her and it makes me very sad. She took care of me and my sister a lot when my Mom was working when I was younger and I'm not going to have a proper goodbye with her. She was so depressed after her husband died that she just laid in the bed. She has her own health issues and I think that just made them worse. I don't think she is going to come out of this and I hate that I can not be there. It is very upsetting to me and being how I am, this makes me think about my Ma Maw, how will she handle losing a child? Will something happen to her after that? I truly could not handle that. My Ma Maw, even if I have complained about her, I emotionally am not prepared for something to happen to her and I don't think I ever will be. I guess I need to go do something and get my mind off this before I drive myself crazy. I'm sad, very sad.

Seeking advice

I am considering being a gestational surrogate. I was contacted by the couple and am asking for advice, opinions, suggestions, anything. I am trying to go the way God is leading me, but I'm still unsure. Would I get too attached to the baby before it got here and then we just have no contact? I'm just unsure. I know this would be an incredible gift to them but is it something I should do? I have met with them, they like me, I like them, I think they would be great parents and they have extended family. So, please, any suggestions, comments, advice, I need something.
Thanks, until next time....

Happiness?? Are you out there?

I have been emotionally all over the place lately. I feel in my head that I should start dating again. I mean, I'm not getting any younger. But in my heart, I just am not sure what I want. I don't believe that I have to be with someone to be happy, but is that what I want? If that makes any sense. One day I am feeling almost happy and optimistic. The next day I just want to stay in bed all day and not face the world. I don't want to be alone, but I am not sure that I want to be with someone either. And, then there is the fact that my older children especially are being very observant about what I am doing with this dating thing. Will they ever think that it is OK for me to have dinner with someone? I am worried about everything. I want to do what is right for the kids as well as myself. I just want to be happy and I want my kids to be happy. I want to...I don't know. I'm so confused. I don't think emotionally, I am ready for this dating thing. I wish I knew why God has chose the path he has for me. I know I am just supposed to have faith, but having faith is so hard sometimes.

I have been trying to be civil with Buck for Luke's sake. I have let Luke go there and spend time with Buck even though I can't stand the thought that my son will think that he is such a role model, when I know what a complete ass he is. I keep trying to stop thinking that I am so angry. But I really am so angry. And I really keep thinking that he has no right to be a part of my son's life. He does not deserve the privilege to be in Luke's life. And yet my son loves him so much. So what is the right thing to do? I am searching for answers. I have prayed about it, I have cried about it, I have screamed and fought about it. And still...I don't know.
I really feel that we should be breaking all ties with Buck and move on. But then, I am taking the only father my son has ever had away from him. Would it be because of my anger or because it is what is best for Luke? I just don't know. But I know that I can not keep going on this roller coaster. Mentally, it is killing me. It is making me crazy.
I do not believe in the road to happiness anymore. It is lost somewhere beyond my reach.

Lord help me I'm falling........